Booty Call

I have a smashing new dress that some was probably made in some third world country, because it only cost $6 at Ross. Still. Six dollars. Score!

The thing is, this dress is perfect with a pair of black wedge heels that I have. But, when I went to put on the dress to wear to tonight's girls night out, the dress spoke to me. At least, I think it was the dress. It said "Do not wear me with shoes. Wear me with boots."

"But it's spring! The sun is out! Boots are hot!" I muttered out loud.

"You're damn right boots are hot. That's why you're wearing them with me instead of those wedge heels."

"Dammit dress," I said. "Hot as it temperature, not hot as in looks."

"Haven't you ever heard that a woman must suffer for fashion? Quit your whining and put on the damn boots, girl!"

And then, the dress began to hit me over and over again with the paisley ties attached at its side. "Okay, okay! I give up! I'll wear the boots."

It looks like the dress won. I'm wearing the boots. I just hope it's worth it.

Sex Like A Man

Now, I'm not one to read relationship books, however a friend felt the need to pass on the book "He's Just Not That Into You." As it's a relatively short book, I read it in about two hours.

I dunno - I'm not going to poo poo the book. It had some great advice and I pretty much already knew that stuff, anyway, and lived by it. But, being fresh into the dating scene after 10+ years, it was nice to have the refresher.

But - the other day I saw the rebuttal book "Be Honest - You're Not That Into Him Either." And at the bargain price of $2, it was mine.

I have to admit, I'm not through the whole book yet. The author, though a Ph.D., is not as entertaining as the author of HJNTIY (although he thinks he is). And, he doesn't really make any points or offer clear guidelines - he just throws a bunch of info out there. And maybe that's a good strategy - for some.

I did, however, finish reading the first part of the book which is about sex. The author discusses women's needs, points out the obvious (women process and respond to sex differently than men), and focuses a bit on the sexual revolution and how it (not his words) fcuked up relationships everywhere.

As he points out (several times): Go ahead and have a one night stand, but be prepared for the aftermath (to include being labeled as easy, and the ever present post-orgasm regret). He fully acknowledges that the double standard does exist, and basically tells women to suck it up (amen brother!) - it's not going to change any time soon.

So, while he gives the reader tips on how to "have sex like a man," he also fairly clearly states over and over again that it is biologically impossible for a woman to do so. That as much as she'd like to fool herself into thinking she can, she really can't. Oh sure, he doesn't state it as simply as that - he uses a lot of rhetoric and scientific studies and a comparison of rats to voles (rats = men and voles = women - yeah, I thought you'd women like that rats thing, I know I did).

What it boils down to is this: women have sex drives. But, the hormones that are activated during and after sex trigger affection and facilitates a sense of attachment. So as much as we might like to have that wonderful no-strings-attached one-night stand, we kind of aren't capable of it. We either feel like "sluts" (80% of women polled felt that way after a ONS), or try to get him to commit to...something.

After all the bad news, the author gives out a couple of suggestions to help alleviate post-orgasm regret, however that part of the chapter is titled "Raise (Your Standards) and Reach (For Love)." As you can tell from the title, he's really not advocating the one-night stand for women, even though he is pretending to.

So you may be wondering, "Does PJammy have a point?" Yeah, I'm kind of wondering that myself. I guess my point is, being as I've only had one sexual partner, I sometimes consider the one-night stand. I sometimes just want to move on, even if it's just sexually. Yet, at the same time, I have been cautious because I was afraid I might end up placing too much stock into it, and pretending it was something else.

Armed with the knowledge I gleaned from the book, I'm guessing that a one-night stand probably isn't for me. But, a girl can still dream, can't she?

Keep 'Em Coming

Wow. Today was a good day for my ego. I received not one, not two, but three compliments - all from guys. Okay, sure, one of the guys is gay. And the compliment really kind of came from his mom and he just passed it on. Still, I am going to count it, especially since it had to do with my looks.

You know, after reading some of the blogs today I think some of you really need some compliments thrown your way. Or a hug. Or both. (And in the case of one particular blogger, I think a lap dance is necessary - but believe you me, I'm not volunteering!)

Because you know what? Compliments can really turn a person's mood around. Not that I was in a bad mood today - nope. Not at all. But I was in a focused mood today. I concentrated on paying bills, cleaning house, and getting things in order and getting myself to class. So, when these various compliments came my way during the course of the day, I just found myself smiling like an idiot.

And who doesn't like a smiling idiot, huh? Oh. Yeah. Maybe a lap dancer...

Meditation Makes Me Horny

Apparently this is true. How did I discover this? In a very public setting known as the Church of the Inner Light.

See, one of my Black Hatters called me this morning to chit chat about a group issue (or non-issue in my mind). Then we got to talking about other things, and she told me that she was going to the Sunday meditation held at the Church of the Inner Light (also known as The Mystic Rose or Reno Psychic Institute). She said "You might be interested...Walter might be there."

Well, that's all she had to say. Next thing I know, I was dressed and ready to go.

Interestingly enough, she and I pulled into the parking lot just about the same time. We got out, ventured in together, and sat down. No Walter. Oh well.

Pretty soon Ed began guiding those few of us who showed up (turns out it is freakin' Earth Day, so most of the regulars were at the ED celebration) in meditation. He began with what I believe was probably the basic grounding and centering stuff. Fine.

After about 15-20 minutes of that, he told us that today we would focus on releasing our fear. Then he guided us in an exercise to facilitate losing our fear. When we were working on our first chakra, all of a sudden I felt this lurch in my loins. Huh? I tried to ignore it.

We went on to different chakras, but many times we kept returning to the first (base) chakra, and every time we did, I got hotter and hotter and...whew. I almost couldn't stand it. Finally the meditation ended. I almost whispered a sigh of relief.

Ed went around the room and asked each one of us what we "recognized" happening in our bodies. I was the second one up: I certainly couldn't say that releasing my fears suddenly made me horny. Or could I? Nope. I couldn't. Instead, I volunteered some different information, and we went on our merry way.

Then he got to the last person, who was the only guy in the audience. The guy said that he felt "a fire" in his base chakra. Ed said something about that being the kundalini, blah, blah, blah. And, suddenly it hit me. I wondered if this guy's "fire" was similar to mine?

And nope I didn't ask him. I prefered to keep my fire a secret from Ed and the rest of the class.

Afterward, my friend and I went out for coffee, and sitting and talking in the sun seemed to cool down the fire. Thank goodness - I wouldn't have wanted to ambush the barista just because my chakra had been awakened!

Bad Guys and Boxes

Last week, Todd told me he thought I needed him to be the bad guy. He said he didn't think that was fair. My response was that I didn't need him to be the bad guy - but that I realized finally, after ten years of being together, that I wasn't the bad guy.

We went over some old territory - how he often told me if I was only this or only that or did this that our relationship would be miraculously better. I told him that I tried for years to be more x and more y, only now I realize I never stood a chance - I mean, how can a couple be successful when one part of that couple won't let the other person in?

Like I said, old stuff. Rehashed before. What's new is that I found a box of cards, all from Todd. Every time he sent me flowers or gave me a card, I put it in the box. Out of sentiment, I guess. Or perhaps I kept it because it was tangible proof that somebody loved me. I don't know - but I have it and today I went through it.

In our conversation last week, Todd said that I was never right for him - that there were always problems, and his mistake was trying to make it work - and in holding on to me for so long. So, when I came across that box of cards I knew I probably should wait a bit before looking through it. But, obviously, I didn't.

Today I read about 50+ cards from him - many of those given to me in the first five years of our relationship (which makes sense; the box was packed when I moved to Reno). I read cards from him saying how he couldn't wait to marry me. And how he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with me. And how he was so lucky to have me in his life and that he treasured me above anything else in his life.

And so here I am, sitting in the ruins of this relationship. He's moved on. He found someone else to treasure. To love. To have forever in his life. And because of that, he threw me aside. Yet, he's not the bad guy?

If he knew all along that I wasn't right for him, then why did he write me all these cards saying how right I was for him? Doesn't that make him somewhat of a bad guy?

What really gets me riled up is that if Kim had not come along, he'd still be stringing me along. Writing love notes on cards. The truth is, he just did not want to be alone. And so, yes, he is the bad guy - not because I need him to be, but because he led me on in both word and deed so he wouldn't have to be alone.

While that behavior certainly doesn't merit his being included in America's Most Wanted, it does warrant some revilement and a certain measure of disgust.

And me? I have a box of mementos, a broken heart and a fervent wish that one day I can forgive myself for being so foolish for so long.

Scaredy Cat

As I've mentioned ad nauseam, a group of us single local ladies from Cupid meet at GSR once a week for dancing and drinks and a little bit of storytelling. Interestingly enough, I've seen a Cupidian guy at the bar a lot - he always has a bottle of beer, and seems to hit on the ladies that actually sit at the bar (there are a lot of tables and couches and stuff around the bar area).

Well, I see this cat there almost every week. And, this cat has seen me. Has he ever come up and introduced himself? No. Bought me a drink (hey, they're free!)? Nope. Has he asked me to dance? Of course not. What does he do instead? He sends me an eye contact. WTF? He has seen me live and in person, but nooooo, he wants me to email him (because he's a cheap b*stard with a non-paid membership).

Yeah, good luck with that buddy. I look at it this way: if you didn't have the guts to speak to me in person, the emailing thing just isn't gonna work for me. Toodles, noodle!

Bedtime Stories

Well, today I hit the jackpot. When I visited Redbox on my way out of the grocery store, I was expecting to find that everything I wanted to see was already rented. As I approached The Box, I saw that Bedtime Stories was going to be released on the 7th.

I hit the "rent a DVD" button to see what was available. A little notice popped up that said Bedtime Stories was available. Huh? It's not going to be released until the 7th. I double-checked the sign. Yep. The 7th. I double-checked the message, yep apparently I can rent it. I stuck it in my cart, and checked out.

When the DVD was vended, it looked different than usual. The box was different - oh no. What did they give me? I opened it up, and sure enough it's Bedtime Stories. JACKPOT!

I hit the machine again to see if there were any more good surprises - nope. And in fact, now Bedtime Stories was no longer available as well.

Score!

Now if Redbox could just give me a little message about a job that no one else has seen, that would be really great...

The Decider

I've decided to drop Sport. See, we went out on one very wonderful date. He asked if he could see me again the following Sunday. I said yes. He followed up with me via email. I asked what time? He said "I don't know - I'm not a planner. I'll just play Sunday by ear, and call you when I'm ready to go out."

Um, huh?

Well, Sunday arrived and as the day wore on, I didn't hear from Sport. So, when my girlfriend called and asked me to go geocaching with her, I said yes. When I got home, there was a message from Sport. I didn't call back - it was late, I was tired, and the day was over.

Since then, he has called a few times. The last time he called, I thanked him for calling and told him it was good to hear from him. He said "I wanted to make sure I stayed on your radar."

Okay, this is good, right? Wrong. He still hasn't asked me out for a second date, but seems quite content to keep me as his phone and email buddy.

Homey don't play that.

So, today I am The Decider. I have decided this is enough. My friends and family are also my email and phone buddies. I don't need to add someone to that list whom it looks like I'm never going to see again.

What's that saying? "Ya snooze, ya lose." It's been three weeks since our date, so I'd say nap time is over, and so is the game.

The Way To A Man's Heart

I confess: I've been dating someone fairly regularly. You, gentle readers, know him as Mr. Wonderful. And, if he keeps doing that thing he does, I will probably call him Mr. Wonderful as well.

As I may have mentioned, he is a merchant sailor and gone for long stretches of time. For this reason, he has stressed that he didn't want this to be "serious," so technically we are only casually dating. (Doing more "stresses" him out.)

Basically, we just keep each other company. Dinner, movies, and small talk (although I have been known to receive some other fringe benefits as well). On our second date, he took me to Harrah's Steak House. We were enjoying a nice dinner, and he was telling me a story about what happened to his luggage on the way to an assignment. This was before 9/11, and his luggage had been broken into, and his uniforms, most of his clothes, and electronics were stolen. He said he was able to recover most of it through a claim, except for his "porn." He confessed that when going to sea for long periods of time, he likes to bring a stack with him.

Fast forward to two months later - he told me last week that he was called out for assignment. This assignment isn't as long as many of his - 10 weeks vs. the usual 4-month stint. Last night was our "last date" before he leaves. He has been so nice and kind to me, so I wanted to give him something to remember me by (get your mind out of the gutter!). What could I get him that a) wouldn't make him feel I was serious about him but b) would let him know I was thinking of him?

The answer, of course: Porn.

So before our date last night, I went to the adult superstore and stood before the magazine rack in awe. What to get him? Ethnic? Leather? Couples? Barely legal? We hadn't discussed what he likes. Thankfully, the store thoughtfully had "super bargain" packages with a nice assortment inside. I picked out one that I thought covered some of the most basic fantasies, and checked out.

The guy at the counter was nice, but all of a sudden it dawned on me that he probably thought I was a lesbian. Hmmm... well, that's not so different from most of the guys here in Reno, actually. But I digress...

I met him for dinner. We had a nice time, talked, caught up, and before we parted ways I gave him his gift. He was, well, overcome with gratitude. He couldn't believe that I remembered. (Seriously, what girl doesn't remember a guy confessing his love of porn?) He said it was a first, and he was going to take good care of it. (or was it going to take good care of him? I can't remember...)

So, this might not be a match made in heaven, and we may not ever progress past the dinner and movie stage, but I know one thing: I am the first girl to ever give him porn, and he will never ever forget that!

Radar Love

The other night, I received a call from Sport. We talked for a bit about, well, nothing in particular. Cats. The psychic fair. Food. (We seem to talk about food a lot!) Before we hung up, I thanked him for calling. He said, "No problem; I wanted to be sure I was still on your radar." I assured him he was still on my radar, and hung up.

But you know, I started thinking about his comment. Of course I thought about it - I'm a girl, and that's what we do. We think. We analyze. We think again about the words, the tone. We analyze the nuance. Blah, blah, blah, I'm so sick of it.

But still - I did think about it, and realized it was an odd thing to say. Because, well, since our date (which he prolonged and wanted it to last longer), he hasn't asked me out again. And he's had three days off since then. So, I dunno - he wants to stay on my radar, but doesn't ask me out. What is that all about?

Well, I have no idea. I don't pretend to know what goes on in the brains of men. I do know I want to stay on his radar - but more than that, I want a second date!

Lucky 13

Here are thirteen random things you were dying to know about me:

1) When I was a kid, I used to sleep with the blanket tucked securely around my neck. This was to protect my neck from being bitten by a vampire. Well, I think I kind of knew that a vampire could probably still bite me, but I was hoping that by moving the blanket away, it would alert me to the fact that there was a vampire in the room and give me time to run. (Of course, everyone knows you can't escape a vampire, but who can blame me for having hope?)

2) I hate grocery shopping, and try to shop by the ten-items-or-less method so that I can leave the store quickly. Problem: By only purchasing ten items at a time, I think I have to actually go to the store more often...

3) I love washing dishes. I find it soothing.

4) I hate cell phones...more than the cell phones themselves, I hate how people use them as an excuse to be rude. I resent how people assume I should be using one so they can contact me any time of the day, no matter where I am. Furthermore, I don't understand why one would go through the trouble to make a date, only to romance the cell phone instead.

5) My cat Schmutzy thinks he's my boyfriend. He holds my hand and strokes my face. And just like a real boyfriend, he yells at me if there is no food in the house.

6) I am addicted to tarot cards, and have about 75 decks (and only use about four decks regularly).

7) I'm a published author, but these days I am hard pressed to even write a blog entry.

8) My porn name is Smokey Sawleaf. No wonder I never made it big in the porn world. I should have tried "Smokey Stacked" if I expected to make any money...

9) I was once president of the Peter Pan Fan Club.

10) While shopping at the Paris flea market, a guy kept sneaking up behind me to pinch my butt. As I didn't speak French, I had to figure out another way to stop him. I waited until he got ahead of me and I quite literally kicked him in the ass. He turned around but didn't say anything, and I looked like a Crazy American for kicking someone in public. Still...it did feel good.

11) I hate that I'm a walking cliche, but I absolutely love to receive flowers from guys.

12) One of my pet peeves is that the garbage cans in movies and TV shows are still made of tin, therefore make a huge sound when they get knocked over (as they always seem to do in movies and TV). Garbage cans haven't been made out of tin in years - hasn't Hollywood noticed that?

13) I've been in 9 relationships, fallen in love four times, and have only had one sexual partner.

Good Night

You know it's a good night when you had steak for dinner, and come home with a smile on your face and your panties in your purse.

Fair Play

Last week, I was supposed to pick up more stuff from Todd's house. He said, "I am busy for the first half of the week, but I'll call you mid-week to make plans." Did he call me? No. So, this week, I followed up through email.

I simply asked him to give me days and times that I could come over. Did he do that? No. He made it more complicated - he called me when I was out and left a message that he wanted to discuss what would work for the both of us. Didn't I already make it clear that all he needed to do was set a time and date? So, I called him back. And even though he was home, he ignored my call.

After several ignored email messages, He finally left me a phone message that stated Friday would work, but he wanted to hammer out a time with me "later." Dude, just give me a time. I'll be there. By this morning, I hadn't heard back, so I emailed him. My email wasn't rude, but I did write this: "Perhaps I haven't said it clearly: it is important to me to sever ties completely. I am unable to do that until I am out of your house. It seems that the very least you can do for me is to honor this and schedule time for me."

So, he called me and the very first thing he said was this: "Your comment in your email was not fair to me at all." Huh? Fair? Let's talk about fair:

1) Was it fair for him to tell me he'd schedule time with me, and let me hang waiting for him to call, only to find he had blown me off? No.

2) Was it fair for him to lead me on for ten years, when really all he wanted was not to be alone? No.

3) Was it fair of him to tell me how he wanted me to have my own friends, and then get mad at me when I did, because I started actually spending time with them? No.

4) Was it fair for him to block me out of his life by not introducing me to his friends, including me in his clubs, etc, while demanding that I incorporate him into mine? No.

5) Was it fair of him to date me after we broke up, leading me to believe we were "working" on our relationship, while instead he was already telling Kim that he loved her? No.

He has no concept whatsoever of what's fair - through the years, I have been more than fair with him. And even in our break-up, I have been fair. And courteous. I told him he has no right to accuse me of not being fair, and I better not ever hear those words coming out of his mouth again in regards to me.

And should he ever deign to say those words to me again, I think it would be quite fair of me to kick his ass with my black leather boots on.

Healing Touch

I volunteered four hours of my time to the Reno Psychic Fair this weekend, for which I'll receive free admission to the fair and a free reading by the Reno Psychic Institute. Tonight, I went to the volunteers' meeting. I was hoping to see Walter.

I did.

When I got to the meeting, he wasn't there, and I admit to feeling disappointed. However, right before the meeting started, Walter sauntered in, found a seat, and settled down. A few times, I could feel his gaze turn my way. I was nervous, though, but did glance his way several times.

After the meeting, we were invited to take part in a free energy healing downstairs. A few of the volunteers decided to go, so I thought "why not?" I followed them, signed in, sat down and watched the demonstration. Then, those of us remaining were partnered with healers. The woman in charge assigned Walter to me.

My heart skipped a beat.

Walter performed the healing, and afterward asked me how I felt. I responded, and he started telling me what he had seen, and what he had done. When he finished explaining, he thanked me for the opportunity and shook my hand.

I gathered up my things to go. There were still several others waiting for healings, and another demonstration was about to take place. However, I had a class to teach so had to leave.

As I started for the door, I saw Walter at the door. He saw me approaching, held the door open for me, and then asked me if I had been there before. I said yes. He said that I looked familiar to him; had I been there for a healing? I said no, that I had talked to him at PPD. He said "I knew I you looked familiar - I recognize your hair!"

We talked for a bit, and he walked me out to the parking lot. He said he was looking forward to seeing me on Friday night, and we parted ways.

The thing is, my volunteer hours are for Sunday. Guess who'll be calling RPI tomorrow to see if they still need volunteers on Friday night?

Walter

Many moons ago, I met a guy named Walter at PPD. He was manning a booth, and I was looking at some of the cool items at the booth. He struck up a conversation with me, and soon he introduced himself. "I'm Walter," he said simply and held out his hand. I shook it, introduced myself, and we started talking more intensely about some of the items in the booth.

My girlfriend came up to the booth to grab me, but later told me that she backed away because she felt that Walter and I had a connection. Well, nothing really ever came of that connection. He asked me to come by the Mystic Rose for a healing, but they're on Tuesday nights, and I teach on Tuesday nights. I never made it there.

About a month after meeting him, I saw him at the psychic fair. I finally got up my nerve to go up to him and say "Hi," but just as I was headed towards him, a blond woman sidled up to him and put her arm around him. I couldn't figure out if they were just friends, and she was giving him a short hug hello, or if they were more than friends. Needless to say, I didn't end up going up to him to say "Hi."

I do think about Walter now and again. And, on the rare Tuesday when I don't teach, my girlfriends egg me on to go to the school to get a free healing. "Walter might be there," they say. Then again, he might not. And I guess I just haven't been brave enough to follow through.

Every time I think of Walter, though, my heart lurches inside my chest cavity. Man, he is a looker. And friendly. And... well, I have been thinking of him again recently, and I think I conjured him up out of nowhere.

I was leaving Trader Joe's today, and just happened to be smiling, thinking about - well, I can't even remember what I was thinking about. I just felt kind of happy today, and it showed. So, there I was, walking towards my car, smiling like a fool, and who do I almost bump right into but Walter. He saw me smiling, and smiled back. I said "Hi,' and he grinned.

And that was it.

He went into Trader Joe's and I went to my car, and I thought "Whoa, wait - should I have done something more?" Like what, throw myself at him?

Anyway, unfortunately tomorrow is a teaching night, so I won't be going to the Institute for a healing. But, I did volunteer four hours of time to the psychic fair this weekend, and guess what? There is a meeting tomorrow at the school in the afternoon. So maybe, just maybe, I'll see Walter.

And if I don't? I'll just dream about him like I always do - the elusive "It" guy I might not ever see again!

The Sport of Dating

I "met" a guy online earlier this week, and we've been emailing each other fast and furiously. I've been told I give good email - he does as well, so it's been a lot of fun. It turns out that he is a sports writer and works for the local rag.

Today he called, and while I normally hate those first calls I found this one to be a lot of fun. We talked, laughed, talked, laughed and then made plans to meet tomorrow night after class.

In some ways, I feel like I'm cheating on G., even though he states he doesn't want to get serious. Still, we see each other pretty regularly and so going out with someone new feels kind of wrong.

But, strangely, it also feels kind of right.

I can't wait to meet Sport tomorrow night and see if we have chemistry in real life as well as through the written and spoken word. Will it be a home run or a foul ball? Only time will tell.

He Called

I know, I know - I'm a little too old to for a phone call to make me giddy. Still... this afternoon I received a phone call that left me smiling.

See, Mr. Wonderful is in California. He's visiting a friend and seeing some sites. I didn't expect to hear from him until he returned - after all, he doesn't want to get "serious." And, this is still a very new relationship, so it's not really time to expect "I'm missing you" calls.

However, he called this afternoon and left me a message stating that he was standing in front of the oddest site: a plastic surgeon's office in a strip mall. He said only in California would a plastic surgeon set up in a strip mall.

I called him back, and asked him if his message was a subtle way to inform me that he was planning on getting some work done. He laughed and said no. I love that he thinks I'm funny. After ten years of being told how funny I wasn't, this is a nice change.

Our conversation was brief, but long enough for him to let me know he'd be back in town tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to his return - although I'm still not quite ready to admit to anyone that I actually missed him.

It's much too soon for that, doncha think?

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I seen you 'round for a long long time
I really 'membered you when you drink my wine

Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
---War

Last week, Todd said "I don't understand why we still can't be friends." I know what I said back to him, but that wasn't the complete response. No, I took the safe and easy way out - oh my response was truthful, but it wasn't the whole truth.

Here is the real truth, or as I like to call them The Seven Deadly Sins:

1) Eight years of lies. Okay, well we've been together for 10 years, but I would say that the first two years were relatively honest years, or at least what I can remember of them. No, I think the lies started some time after our Ross-And-Rachel break of 2000. We got back together because he said he wanted to be with me. The truth was, he did not. Ever since that time, he has had a roving eye.

2) Ten years of manipulation. From the moment we became exclusive, Todd started to manipulate me in order to get me to become the mate he wanted. "I could never be with someone who didn't have (this kind of) sex." So, I started to have "that kind" of sex.

Next: "I can't be with someone who isn't nurturing." Okay, so I never really fixed that, because I am not a nurturer by nature. But I became more nurturing, paying close attention to his needs and trying my hardest to fill them.

Next: "I need you to be a life partner. You need to make some real changes in order to become that." Well, this was a difficult one to tackle, and I never got it right. Of course, I never got it right, because of the next item on my list:

3) He didn't let me into his life. Oh yes, he wanted me to be his life partner. He ranted and raved about it. But, you see, he set me up for failure. I could never be his life partner, because he didn't let me into his life. He didn't introduce me to his friends. He wouldn't allow me to attend the local BDSM meetings with him. He wouldn't even invite me to his game nights. (He waited until I was out of town to host them at the house.)

Oh he'll say "But I introduced you to my family." Well, that's kind of true. I say "kind of," because the few times I attended family events with him, he didn't introduce me to anyone. No, his family members all introduced themselves to me. Or I'd introduce myself to them. But when we were all seated together, he wouldn't include me in conversations or ask me to join him if he was going to another part of the room to talk to various other family members. He would just leave me on my own.

4) Roving eye. He was never satisfied with me, and he let me know that, both through word and through action. Even before we were broken up, he opened several online accounts through which he used to flirt with and contact other women. If confronted, he would give it up for a while (or so it seemed). But then sooner or later evidence of this would reappear, and would cause more strife between us. Which brings me to my next reason:

5) "You make me crazy." These words were often said to me by Todd in anger and frustration. I was the cause of his anguish. I was the one who was making waves. It was me who added undue stress in his life. So, if I complained about his flirting with other women, or questioned his treatment of me, or brought up any other number of valid concerns, he would get angry and turn it around on me. I made him angry - how dare I? And yet, now I see that I had every right and reason to bring up those things to him. I am just sorry that I let his turning it around on me go on for so long.

6) He led me on. For the last two years, we've been, well, I don't know - not on a break, but supposedly by his terms "redefining our relationship." The way I understood it was that he needed certain things and needed to set certain boundaries, and we'd see how it would go from there.

The thing is, "we" were supposed to be redefining our relationship, but in all actuality, he was redefining our relationship. And that might have been something we could have worked through, if he hadn't kept the new definition a secret from me.

During the last couple of years, the rules of engagement were constantly changing. It to got the point where I had no idea where I stood, how I should act, and what he wanted from me. If I asked him, I would get one of the following two responses: "You drive me crazy!" or "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"

Um, the truth would have been nice.

7) Lies of a sexual nature. I know what you're thinking: "you covered lies already." Well, yes and no. The lies I was referring to in item number 1 were the lies that he told us both (himself and me) that our relationship was important to him. "You are the most important person in my life." If I had a dollar for every time he told me that in the last ten years, I'd be a rich woman. Yet, I couldn't have been that important, as he wouldn't let me into his life (see item 3).

No, the lies of a sexual nature are actually, in a lot of ways, more hurtful. See, I can perhaps even understand how he could lie to himself and me regarding the seriousness of our relationship (as I think he believed this lie to be true). But I can't understand how he would not let me into his sexual world, and instead choose to share his sexual needs with others.

I didn't even really know this was going on until recently. I found something at the house, and all of a sudden things started to make complete sense. A Disney princess bag that contained a pacifier (in a sealed baggie), a teddy bear and a blanket - this bag appeared after a weekend I spent with my folks. I thought it belonged to his friend's little girl, until I met the girl: she is approximately ten years old. And while she might have a teddy bear, she certainly wouldn't have a pacifier. It dawned on me last week when I came across something else as I was moving items: he must have hosted a sex party that weekend, and had some age play going on in the house.

I figured this out after I found boxes and boxes and boxes of condoms and some sex toys- sex toys I didn't even know he had. Sex toys he had never used in our own sexual adventures. Sex toys he hid from me, so I wouldn't find them.

When all of this dawned on me, I felt nauseous and dizzy. He had been lying to me for ages. He put my sexual health at risk. And, once again, it was another area of his life he wouldn't let me in to. Why wouldn't he choose to play these games with me? Why wouldn't he ever bring them up with me? Instead, he decided that his life partner (ha) wasn't good enough to play with, but his friends obviously were.

One other thing: after that weekend, you know, the weekend I was at my parent's house and he was apparently having just a regular "games" night at the house, I found a girl's ring in the bedroom. It didn't belong to me. I asked him about it. He played dumb. Then he said he asked the cleaning girl about it, and she said she had found it in the living room. He told me that someone must have taken it off while playing games.

Well, that never made sense to me. Why would a girl take off a ring if they were playing a board game? Now it all makes sense - it wasn't board games, it was sex games.

How stupid am I not to have put this all together sooner? (Don't answer that!)

As for "friends," no I don't think I could be friends with Todd again. Or at least, not for a very long time. I am so mad and hurt and confused. How could someone who professed to only have my best interest at heart actually be so destructive to our relationship? How could someone who claimed that I was the "most important person" in his life actually bend over backwards to prove otherwise through words and action?

But you know, I can't just blame him. Oh I want to. Believe me, I want to. However, I put up with this for ten years. Ten fucking years I was hanging on with a wing and a prayer. I chose to only hear the good things: the I Love Yous and the You Are The Most Important Person In The World To Mes and the I Can't Imagine What My Life Would Be Without Yous. I'm stupid for focusing on that, when in fact I should have been focusing on how badly he treated me.

Yes, I should have broken up with him a long time ago - in fact, if I was the smart woman I pretend I am, I should have never gone back to him in 2000. Just think of how different my life would be -

But it's not different and I made a huge mistake. I wasted ten years with someone who never really wanted me in the first place. What he really wanted was someone to hang out with until someone else better came along.

I don't even think I have the right to cry about this - after all, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. That doesn't mean I can't wash the sheets, though, and try to clean it up a bit. And that's what I'm doing now - cleaning up and moving on.

So why can't we be friends? Because honey, obviously we never really were friends in the first place.

Ideas...

"When does school let out for you? They can't possibly keep you there all evening! Anyway, give me a shout. I've got . . . ideas."

This is how an email from Mr. Wonderful to me began, and I have to say, it got my libido running on full speed. Ideas... that could be so many things! I love how it's left open to my imagination.

So, a call was made and plans were solidified - after class, I will be going to his place. This time, I will be prepared. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. Maybe a change of underwear. Because I know what one of his ideas is... and I'm okay with that. After all, it's not like I have to work tomorrow.

Making Friends With Aunt Flo

So...Friday night I went over to Mr. Wonderful's place. He took me out for a nice dinner at the Brew House, and then we went back to his place to watch "Dogma." Of course, I knew a movie wasn't the only thing planned for the evening... but was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around Aunt Flo's unwelcome presence.

It turns out I didn't have to worry at all. Mr. Wonderful is not turned off by Aunt Flo. And while we still didn't exactly consummate our relationship, he decided to take a trip down south, and let's just say "O" is no longer just a magazine to me.

Dinner, Dogma and the big "O." I feel like the Queen of the Earth.