Saturday, January 30, 2010

More Questions Than Anwers

Last year at this same time, I started dating The Sailor. We dated for about two months, and then he left for sea. He told me at the beginning that he didn't want anything serious. That worked for me, as I had just broken up with the X-Factor and wasn't sure I wanted anything serious, either.

We spent two months together - kind of always doing the same thing. Dinner, movies at his place, and then some naked time. Believe me that when I say "naked time" it was only naked time - we didn't do anything. Not for lack of trying - but he seemed to kind of peter out in that department (pardon the obvious pun).

I liked him. He treated me with respect, he was of high moral character, and if he said he'd call, he would call. When he left for sea, he said "let's keep in touch and see what happens." We did - and nothing much happened.

He came back into town in August and called me up. He asked me out to dinner. We had a nice dinner out, went to Hot August Nights, and then (since I was driving) back to his place. As we parked, he said "I'd invite you in, but I got back with my ex-girlfriend so I can't." And that was kind of that.

I told him not to feel weird about it - I could tell he did. I was glad he told me in person, although some of my friends were all "WTF?" I dunno - maybe it's because I know him, but I knew that he felt it the right thing to do to tell me in person, so I did not take offense at all.

I did feel a little sad, but not majorly so. I mean, this was a casual relationship at best. Nothing deep, and not a whole lot invested, other than some time.

He said we'd keep in touch, but it really kind of dropped off after the girlfriend bomb was exploded. So imagine my surprise when a couple of weeks ago I returned home to find a message from him on my machine. He'd been in town and called me to take me out to dinner. Unfortunately for me, I missed out. But I called him back and he said next time he came to town he'd give me a "shout."

True to his word, he called me Thursday saying that he knew it was short notice, but he was flying in on Friday night - if I picked him up at the airport, he'd promise he'd make it worth my while. I said yes, and plans were made.

I picked him up, we went to Claim Jumper, and had a nice time. We sat and talked over dinner - and he told me some stuff going on with his job and his career. I was a little surprised at how much he divulged, only because we always kind of kept it light before.

After dinner, I took him home and he invited me in. Huh? I was confused. I told him that I was sure he probably just wanted to get settled, and he said yes and no - that I was welcome to come in. I declined. I don't know why I did - but I did.

I should have simply asked him about his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or whatever. I didn't, so now it's the next day and I'm not sure what it was all about. He said he would like to see me again this weekend, and I said I would love to see him as well. So there's that to maybe look forward to.

I kind of wish I had said yes, but I kind of am glad I said no. I guess you could say I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not. It would have been nice to go in and see what was up. Then again, I'm not sure I'm ready for disappointment yet.

Still, he did send me a quick email to let me know it had been nice to see me again so I took the opportunity to tell him I always enjoy his company. And that's true - I always have. It's been nice and easy-going and consistently pleasant.

I just wish I knew what he had in mind so I could proceed without caution.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The One That Got Away

The other day I picked up a magazine and there was an article in it about “the one that got away.” Both women and men told their sob stories on how someone special got away. Well, I’ve got news for you criers: There’s a reason the person “got away.” It’s because they weren’t the one. So stop yer cryin’ and get on with life.

I guess this article hit a nerve because I went through my own period of remorse after breaking up with the X-Factor. But serious introspection showed me that we really weren’t each other’s “one.” Of course, I’m not convinced his new gal is his “one” either, but that’s not my problem and I shouldn’t even be going there. The truth is, if I was his “one,” he would have treated me better. If he was my one, well… I don’t know, honestly. I think I did my best – and maybe that’s where people get hung up. Just because you might feel someone is your “one,” that doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual. And that alone means the person isn’t “the one” for you (or me, as the case might be).

My point is: There’s a reason they got away. They were never really yours in the first place. As King James might say, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Instead of looking at these old romances as “the one who got away,” I encourage us all to look instead at them for what they really are: important people in our lives. After all, we learned something from the one who got away, didn’t we? We either learned something important about ourselves, about the world, about relationships in general.

The relationships we had with these people – no matter how short-lived – left a lasting impression for a reason. I don’t believe that reason is so that we can pine away focused on unrequited love. The reason is so much deeper than that – so instead of crying, celebrate. Celebrate that you are in a different place because of that person. You have a different outlook. You learned something new – about the world, about relationships, about yourself.

So the one that got away? Not at all. That person is with you much more than you’ve been aware of – and that’s a good thing.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

No More Crying

Today’s tarot card: Eight of Cups

In search of something missing in life. Searching for a piece of the puzzle to a loving relationship or fulfilling life. A person in search of loving partner. Patterns have been repeated only to give same outcome. A letting go. Going forth alone to find happiness and fulfillment. Improvement of a difficult situation. New hope and vitality. Weariness and apathy.

I haven’t been paying much attention lately to my “tarot card of the day” app. However, when I took a quick look at today’s, it really hit home.

I don’t know why, but I’ve had Todd on the brain. It’s over. It’s been over. We haven’t even spoken since September. But… yeah. I hate it when this happens. When I’m brushing my teeth and think of a lie I caught him in. When I’m washing my face and think of the betrayal. When I’m putting my shirt on and break down and cry.

It’s over.

Why am I going backwards?

It could be because Valentine’s Day is approaching. And while this normally wouldn’t put me over the edge, it was two days after Valentine’s that we broke up last year. For good. It was when he told me he had plans with Kim instead of me for Valentine’s Day that I realized we were no longer “redefining our relationship” as he put it – “working on our relationship” was how I put it. The vernacular didn’t matter – whatever we called it, it wasn’t happening any more. Time to call it quits and move on.

Let’s face it: last year was a year of loss. I am grieving many losses – so perhaps I should be gentler with myself when I find myself going backwards. The thing is, I’ve always been tough on myself. I expect a lot from myself. Growth, for instance. I do not want to be that girl who can’t get past the loss of someone. I’ve never been her before, and I don’t want to be her now.

And so… I think of my relationship with the Eight of Cups. I guess I am searching. More than that, I am moving forward. Letting go. Or at least, that’s what I’m doing on my good days.

Saturday will be a day of cleansing. I am taking down my Christmas tree. Putting away the decorations. Straightening up the house. And when it’s all done, I’ll sage my home. Clear out the bad vibes. Make way for the good.

As I was telling myself this morning: Baby, it’s a new year. Keep on keepin’ on. Smile, and the world smiles with you. At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Friday Five

1) This was my first full work week in over a year. It was long, it was hard, and it felt damn nice to be there.

2) Some things take longer to forget than others.

3) I wish Donald Dishman would stop giving out my phone number as if it was his. I am tired of yelling at his bill collectors.

4) I've missed quite a few people this week. Just call me your melancholy baby.

5) Just as I started to think I was "getting it" at work, I learned that really isn't true - but at least they haven't given up on me yet!

Thursday, January 07, 2010


I’m cutting back on coffee again. Not that I’m a caffeine addict or anything – however, Dr. Atkins believed that caffeine could interfere with weight loss, and so I’m cutting back to one cup a day (from two). Not sure if it’s necessary – after all, because of a bad case of reflux I can’t drink “real” coffee. So I drink Kava, a low-acid instant coffee an old boss of mine turned me on to. Being instant, I don’t believe it has the caffeine punch of regular coffee… still, I have cut down.

I got into the habit of drinking an afternoon cup of coffee when I was not working. My sleep schedule was off kilter and so when the late afternoon hit, I would find myself ready for a nap. Instead of napping and risking throwing my sleep schedule off even more, I would fix a cup of Kava. This started off as an occasional thing, then a more frequent thing, and then a regular thing. Soon, I found it a habit – at approximately 2 p.m. every day, I would stop whatever I was doing an head for the kitchen. I heated the water, measured out the coffee and cream, and in two minutes and thirty seconds I was enjoying my second cup of coffee of the day.

During my “time off,” I gained weight. Strange, since I was going to the gym. Well… actually, probably not as often as I should have. Or could have, given the circumstances. I guess laying around the house in my pajamas bemoaning my circumstances didn’t do much good for my metabolism. Or, if Dr. Atkins was correct, having that second cup of coffee everyday didn’t help either. So here I am, muddling through the day on one cup of coffee. I haven’t noticed a difference in my weight yet, but I do have great hope that I will.

Of course, sometimes all one simply has to do is get off one’s ass and get to the gym. I’ll try that next month.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Hump Day Ramblings

I swear it feels as if I haven't had one cohesive thought today. My mind has jumped around all day, and it all started when I was in the car driving to work. At a stop light, and seemingly from nowhere, I thought of my mom. I realized that next week will be three months since her death, and I started to cry.

When I say that thought came from nowhere, it really did. I had just finished singing a song on the radio - one that didn't remind me of her at all. The next thing I know, this thought popped into my head and the water works began.

I composed myself before getting on the freeway, and made it to work on time and with most of my eyeliner still intact. At work, I tackled a training exercise given to me yesterday - one that was difficult and had gotten stuck on. I told myself I was going to clear my mind and just get through it. Just as I was starting to clear my mind, one of my co-workers called me over. He wanted to show me a request he was working on.

So, my mind wasn't cleared after all - just simply refocused. While it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, it still worked. I went back into my cubical and started back on my project.

At some point, it finally started to make sense. I was so happy - I still had to muddle through it kind of slowly, but I noticed I was getting the hang of it. I even used a vlookup to check data, and it worked.

Even though my mind jumped around a bit at work, it jumped around on work related topics, so it was all good, that is, until I got into the car to go home. Now, while I was walking to my car (in the dark), I felt good about my day. It was the first time since I started there that I felt like "Hey, I'm gonna get this!" I got into the car and headed towards home...but was sidetracked by Goodwill.

I wasn't gonna stop. Then I was gonna stop. Then I wasn't. Then I was. Then I was off the freeway, headed towards Goodwill. I was about to park, when a cat jumped in front of my car to grab some food. Huh?

I backed up, he ran away. I pulled in, and went after him. Poor little kitten - looked extremely cute, but wouldn't come out from underneath a car. I talked to him, he talked back. I wanted to get him, because he didn't run well - I thought he was injured. He kept talking, and next thing I knew, he ran back towards my car to get the food. I never saw this "food," but I know it was there. It was probably something from McDonald's (which is in the same shopping center).

Once it became clear I wasn't going to get the cat, I went into the store and looked around. Once again I was hit with memories of my mom - I thought of something silly - how for the last few months before she died, she really wanted a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Now, you know, it's one of those things I know I've seen a hundred times at garage sales and thrift stores, but the minute she wanted one, I couldn't find one anywhere.

And I looked.

I had gotten into the habit of looking at dolls at Goodwill to see if I could find one, but of course I've stopped now. But the thought of that hit me so hard - just "Why couldn't I have found one before she died? Why couldn't she have one before she passed away?" I felt myself tear up again, and realized it was time to go.

One more time I scoured the parking lot for the kitten. I looked under my car. I walked a bit around looking for it. I couldn't find it. I was disappointed - not because I want another cat because I don't - but because I just don't think it was in good shape and it really needed some care.

Now I'm home and I'm restless. My mind goes from one thing to another - some things I am not ready to talk about, even here. Other things are just silly and strange and kind of random. I'm wondering if I'll get any sleep tonight, because my mind just doesn't seem to want to quit.

If it weren't for the fact that I have the beginnings of a migraine, I would down some alcohol to insure a fast getaway into dreamland. Looks like I'll have to do it the hard way or not at all.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The Best and the Worst

I wish I could remember when I was so glad to see a year die, but unfortunately I remember the year: 1987. It was the year that I was attacked in my apartment and almost raped. The year hadn't been any better before that point, and it certainly got worse afterward. I look at that year as the year when I realized bad things could happen - and honestly, nothing was quite the same after that.

As the years have gone by, they've been a mix of both good and bad. I can honestly say that before 1987, most of my adult years could be classified as "good." After 1987, I counted it a great year if the good outweighed the bad.

But 2009 has nothing on 1987 - nothing. This has been, by far, the worst year I've been through. However, as nothing is truly ever bad, I've highlighted some of the good things as well.

The Best of 2009

1) Living on my own - again. It's been years since I've been living in my own home. Granted, I bought this home about two years ago, but didn't really live in it on my own until a year ago. Before that, I was still spending time at the X-Factor's house - both with him and without (as I was still dog sitting when he went away on long trips). While I do believe I would like to eventually live with someone again - preferably married this time - I do enjoy having a house to myself.

2) Friends. If it weren't for some of my friends, I have no idea how I would have made it through the year with my sanity intact. There were so many instances when I thought I couldn't make it through another day and I'd get a call or an offer for a night out, and I knew I'd be okay...again.

3) Family. While my mom is no longer living, it is because of her and my dad's generosity that I was able to stay in my home this past year. Unemployment would not have paid the bills - if it weren't for a gift from my folks, I would have lost the home I so love and enjoy.

The Worst of 2009

1.) Unemployment. I was laid off in December of 2008, and spent all of 2009 looking for work. I didn't even get my first interview until April or May of 2009 - and after that, it was a series of rejection after rejection. As someone who has been working in some form or fashion since the age of 8, being jobless for a whole year was one of the worst things that has happened to me - ever.

2) My break-up. This is a hard one to talk about - even now. I don't know if I can even sum it up succinctly. Suffice it to say that as time went on, I realized that I was probably being cheated on long before I ever caught on. I should have left years ago - so I'm just as mad at myself as I am at him, if not more. For the most part, I have forgiven myself and am moving forward - but sometimes I still like to beat myself up over it.

3) My mom's death. I knew my mom wasn't doing well, but I had no idea how unwell she really was. Her death hit me hard - and I understand from talking to friends who have lost their mom's that the hurt and emptiness really never goes away. My only hope is that it will get easier with time.

4) Bad behavior. I don't know if it was the year's bad mojo or if people just went a little wacko this year, but I was on the receiving end of some really bad crap. Four make it to the top of the list - mostly because I encountered several sleepless nights over them:

A) Lost a friendship that had lasted over 20 years. I'm still not entirely sure what happened here - if you listened to his side of the story, you'd wonder why he was ever my friend in the first place. His nasty email which notified me that our friendship was severed spewed hate-induced venom and I'm not sure what I did to deserve that.

B) Lost a new friendship. This one shouldn't hurt me as much as it does, because 1) she hadn't been in my life long and 2) she was kind of crazy, anyway. Still, it did and to this day I still work at mending the fence, but I fear it has been torn down for good.

C) Internet stalker. You know, this is one of those things Dateline warns about but you think it will never happen to you. Well, guess again. I've been dealing with this guy for months now, and he still hasn't stopped. He also harasses my online friends, and poses as me while he does it. The ones who are stupid fall for it. The smart ones know it's him. Either way, it has strained some of my relationships and I am sometimes afraid I'll never shake this guy.

D) Sympathy card from the X-factor's fiance. Yeah, you read that right - the girl who won't allow him to contact me and threw a fit any time I called him sent me a card signed by the both of them. Why he would ever think this was a good idea is still beyond my reach. "Oh yes, honey, I know how you've made your hate for her clear in the past, but I think sending her this sympathy card from the both of us would be an excellent idea." Ugh.

I've been sitting here thinking "There has to be a five..." but I guess not, seeing as the bad behavior category kind of encompasses a lot of random bad crap, including Boner Fest 2009, formerly known as the November Cupid Birthday Bash. I didn't go into details on that one...but it does fall under the Bad Behavior category quite well.

Yes, 2009, I am so glad you are gone. "A good riddance to bad rubbish." 2010 is going to be better, dammit - I demand it!