1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Had a one night stand.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make resolutions - that way, I have nothing to break!
3. Did anyone close to you die?
My mom. I still can't believe she's gone
4. What countries did you visit?
The Republic of California
5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Money! Okay, and maybe a boyfriend. Or a boy toy. Or some sort of male thing-a-ma-jiggy.
6. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 10th, because that was the day my mom died.
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not committing suicide.
And in case you think that's a joke, it really isn't.
8. What was your biggest failure?
I can't help but think I failed as a daughter. I knew my mom was sick, but admittedly not as sick as she apparently was. Still, I should have known my parents were keeping something from me and I should have spent more time with them last year.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
In this area, I was blessed - I was pretty healthy this past year. The two health issues I had, I was able to take care of with OTC meds.
10. What was the best thing you bought?
Just one thing? I had so much luck at Goodwill this year - I found a lot of books on witchcraft and a couple of really cool tarot decks. Plus, with my dad's help I just got a Wii this week! I haven't set it up yet, but I can't hardly wait to do so!
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend, Denise's. She was a true friend when I needed one the most.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't like the word "made." No one can make me feel something. Yet on the other hand, their actions can trigger a reaction in me. However, there were some people I encountered whose behaviors appalled me, especially my "friend" Colleen.
I was also appalled at my own behavior with a someone. I apologized, yet I still haven't totally forgiven myself for it.
As for depressed... yeah, I had that, too. But I don't want to talk about it any more.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Mortage, bills, food and a couple of emergency repairs (house, car, etc.).
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This was not a year of excitement for me, so using the "really really" doesn't apply. However, I enjoyed seeing Joel McHale at the Silver Legacy, and also was pretty excited about the Black Hat Society's annual participation in the October Wine Walk. Witches Rule!
15. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
"Good-bye to you" by Scandal. Yes, I know it wasn't released this year - but it will remind me of this 2009 for years to come.
16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Guess.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer, dangnamit.
17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading for fun. Spending time at the park. Having sex.
18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Hibernating.
19. How will you be spending Christmas?
Hopefully with my dad, if the weather holds up.
20. How will you be spending New Years?
New Year's Day will be spent with my covenmates.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.
22. How many one night stands?
One.
23. What were your favorite TV programs?
Cougar Town. Life. Life on Mars. Medium. The Big Bang Theory.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't tend to "hate" people. There is someone I really dislike, though!
25. What was the best book you read?
Whistling in the Dark by Lesley Kagen.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pink (I know - she's been around for a while, but I've been listening to talk radio for the last five years or so!).
27. What did you want and get?
A job.
28. What did you want and not get?
A loving relationship with a guy.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
It's a tie between "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Julie and Julia."
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my birthday, I was fortunate to be able to spend it with my dad in California. We went to the flea market and then to my favorite book store, Half Price Books. As for my age - who knows? I've been lying about it for so long, I'm not sure I really even know any more.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A lot of things - but if I were to narrow it down to just one thing, I'd say "a job."
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Sweats and pajamas, and sometimes the two were mixed together.
33. What kept you sane?
Exercise, wine, classes and my friends. I have to say, I have some really excellent friends. God has blessed me richly in that department.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
It's probably still Chef Colicchio from Top Chef, although if I were younger, I am sure I'd be pining over Daniel Radcliffe.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Government bailouts.
36. Who did you miss?
My mom.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Suz. While technically I met her in July of 2008, we didn't see each other again until January of 2009. We really hit it off, and she has become one of my closest friends since then.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Let people help. I have been independent for so long - I hate asking people for help. But this year, I had to - and I was surprised at how much people - well those close to me, anyway - not just wanted to help, but actually put their money where their mouths were and sprung into action.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."
--Counting Crows
And the future?
In 2010...
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Hopefully, no. I have every reason to believe this temp job will morph into something more permanent. It feels like a good fit, and I absolutely already love three of my co-workers.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Duh. Of course!
3. New house?
Hopefully not!
4. What will you do different in 2010?
I don't know if there's something in particular I feel that I have to do differently. I will continue to work on myself, to grow, to learn, to strive to be a contributing member of society. I am sure I will still have my foibles and my limitations, however I will continue to move forward, just as I have always done.
5. New Years resolution?
I don't make New Years' resolutions.
6. What will you not be doing in 2010?
One thing I definitely will not be doing in 2010 is having a baby! Other than that, who knows? "Never say never!" After all, I said I'd never have a one night stand, and now look at me, sullied, disheveled and satisfied!
7. Any trips planned?
No trips planned, but I would love to get to Carmel again this year.
8. Wedding plans?
WTF?
9. Major thing(s) on your agenda?
Nope.
10. What can't you wait for?
Spring.
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I would like to see government voting differently, planning differently, and organizing differently - I am so afraid of the direction our country is going.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
This is a secret.
13. What happened in 09 that you didn't think would ever happen?
I didn't get a job until my unemployment ran out. I sincerely thought I'd only be out of a job for 3 months - 4 months tops. I never EVER thought I'd be out of work for a year.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I think I'm pretty nice as it is, but I would certainly hope I'd be nicer. After all, becoming softer and more aware and nicer is hopefully part of the evolution process as we age.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 09?
Oh yes, most definitely. Pajamas and sweats aren't welcome at acme digital services!
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I already drink, so starting is moot. I will not quit because I do not drink too much. I pretty much only have a glass or two of wine on the weekends (and Corona Light in the summer) is a nice way to end a day. And there are some weeks I don't crack open anything at all - yet other weeks when a six pack just doesn't seem like it's going to be enough (it always is - but still I worry!).
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
There's really only my dad, and I think we have a good relationship. However, again as he is lonely since my mom died, I will strive to spend more time with him.
18. Will you do charity work?
I would love to, but honestly? Probably not.
19. Will you go to bars?
Hmmm... It's not like I hang out in them now. I am sure that in the year 2010, I will go to at least one bar at some point in time.
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Why? What's in it for me?
(I'm joking!)
21. Do you expect 2010 to be a good year for you?
I actually do. I feel like I am coming out of a dark tunnel and emerging into the light.
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I changed a lot. One of the things I feared most in life happened: unemployment. I have been working since I was 10 years old. I never thought there'd be a time when I wouldn't be able to find work. But it happened, and it changed me. It showed me that yes, it could happen to me. It showed me that I could rely on people - and the Universe. And it showed me that there is a chink in my armor - not sure I wanted to know that, but I do, and it's changed me.
My mom's death also changed me. It showed me that there is no going back - no changing things.
The loss of my 11-year-old relationship also changed me. I'm still not quite sure how - I guess I'm figuring that one out still. In some areas, the loss changed me in welcome ways: I feel freer and more like myself once again. In other areas, well, let's just leave that unsaid for now.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
Fuck no!
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope to God I will be - and I hope to add some more to the mix.
25. Major lifestyle changes?
Maybe one.
26. Will you be moving?
I do not think so.
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 10 that happened in 09?
I will not gain another 10 pounds.
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I have absolutely no idea.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Probably not.
30. One wish for 2010?
To continue to be gainfully employed.
Friday, December 18, 2009
First Week
Well my first week on the new job is over with. Okay, it wasn't a complete week - but it sure felt like it! So much to learn. So much to take in. So many people to know.
However, I think I am going to really like it there. For one, it really is pretty much a paperless office. Our area doesn't deal with paper at all. The only paper I have are some handouts from training and my notepad. Everything else is on the computer. Such a new concept for me!
Secondly, I already love three of my co-workers: D, A, and M. These three guys have been so helpful and nice. If they weren't about 15 years younger than all of my friends, I'd be hookin' those bad boys up with some sistahs!
Again, the money is not good especially for the types of skills the job calls for. Still, it seems a given that, unless one totally screws up, the temps do get hired on. Everyone I met was a temp at some time, as that's the company's policy: to hire temps, train, and then bring them on board.
The only thing I don't like is the placement of the bathrooms. I have to go to the back of the offices, leave, then go through the energy company's hallway to finally get to the restroom. It's a long haul - not that I oppose to walking - but you know, it's kind of inconvenient that there aren't bathrooms located in our part of the facility.
I am still getting used to the hours (9:30 a.m. - 6 p.m.). This is an awkward shift to work. I can't run errands before work, and by the time I get off, most places are closed (except for dept. stores and grocery stores). Don't have enough time to run errands at lunch, because we only get 30 minutes.
I'll have to figure out how to navigate these hours more successfully, as by the time I go grocery shopping or whatever after work, I get home at almost 8 p.m. That's hecka late for dinner, and then in another hour or two it's bedtime. Yes, I'll have to figure out a better system!
However, I am blissfully happy to be working and learning and feeling like a productive member of society once again. I am very thankful to have this job, and I have a feeling it's going to be a very good fit.
However, I think I am going to really like it there. For one, it really is pretty much a paperless office. Our area doesn't deal with paper at all. The only paper I have are some handouts from training and my notepad. Everything else is on the computer. Such a new concept for me!
Secondly, I already love three of my co-workers: D, A, and M. These three guys have been so helpful and nice. If they weren't about 15 years younger than all of my friends, I'd be hookin' those bad boys up with some sistahs!
Again, the money is not good especially for the types of skills the job calls for. Still, it seems a given that, unless one totally screws up, the temps do get hired on. Everyone I met was a temp at some time, as that's the company's policy: to hire temps, train, and then bring them on board.
The only thing I don't like is the placement of the bathrooms. I have to go to the back of the offices, leave, then go through the energy company's hallway to finally get to the restroom. It's a long haul - not that I oppose to walking - but you know, it's kind of inconvenient that there aren't bathrooms located in our part of the facility.
I am still getting used to the hours (9:30 a.m. - 6 p.m.). This is an awkward shift to work. I can't run errands before work, and by the time I get off, most places are closed (except for dept. stores and grocery stores). Don't have enough time to run errands at lunch, because we only get 30 minutes.
I'll have to figure out how to navigate these hours more successfully, as by the time I go grocery shopping or whatever after work, I get home at almost 8 p.m. That's hecka late for dinner, and then in another hour or two it's bedtime. Yes, I'll have to figure out a better system!
However, I am blissfully happy to be working and learning and feeling like a productive member of society once again. I am very thankful to have this job, and I have a feeling it's going to be a very good fit.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Wisdom of Avalon
The Wisdom of Avalon is an oracle deck by Colette Baron-Reid, and I used this deck a lot after I was laid off last December.
Today I pulled a card to see what I could expect today from my new job: the card is Birth/Rebirth. Some highlights from the card's meaning:
Rejoice for spring is in the air and you're beginning again. This marker bodes well for any new project, endeavor, relationship, or idea to take shape and be birthed into the world.
This marker reminds you that the process leading up to a birth can feel cumbersome, restrictive, painful and never-ending, yet the final shift brings an extraordinary gift of new life, a new vision born of surrender, and a total release. Know you've come far and are at a place to celebrate your ideas and all things anew.
It has been a long, restrictive and painful road. And like any birth/rebirth, there is a learning curve. I must first learn to walk before I can run. Still, it's nice to know I finally received my walking shoes.
Today I pulled a card to see what I could expect today from my new job: the card is Birth/Rebirth. Some highlights from the card's meaning:
Rejoice for spring is in the air and you're beginning again. This marker bodes well for any new project, endeavor, relationship, or idea to take shape and be birthed into the world.
This marker reminds you that the process leading up to a birth can feel cumbersome, restrictive, painful and never-ending, yet the final shift brings an extraordinary gift of new life, a new vision born of surrender, and a total release. Know you've come far and are at a place to celebrate your ideas and all things anew.
It has been a long, restrictive and painful road. And like any birth/rebirth, there is a learning curve. I must first learn to walk before I can run. Still, it's nice to know I finally received my walking shoes.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The First
Friday morning, I left to go visit my dad for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. This was my first birthday since my mom's death. I knew it would feel incomplete. My dad knew it would feel incomplete. But - we celebrated, anyway.
We got through Friday night by watching a movie I rented: the remake of Pelham 1-2-3. I never saw the original, but I have to say this version was entertaining. If there's one thing John Travolta can do, it's play crazy well.
Saturday was my birthday. I woke up feeling some trepidation - but my dad and I had plans for the morning to keep us busy. We went to the flea market, then off to my favorite store (Half Price Books, where I got a great deal on a tarot deck), and then to lunch. So far, so good.
We went home, and it was time for gifts and pie. I knew opening my gifts would be difficult, because the gifts were things my mom ordered from catalogs for me when she was bedridden. In other words, the gifts were from her, but she wasn't there to celebrate with me.
All the gifts touched me, but two stood out: a copper wall hanging of a pentacle next to a moon, and the Jessica Galbreth's Enchanted Oracle. My mom picked these out of my favorite "witchy" catalog without any hints from me at all. My mom was so supportive of my alternative life path - much more so than she was when I was following the independent fundamentalist Baptist path I was on when I was in my 20's. In fact, after I became born again, she told me I was not allowed to talk about God and stuff in her house. I think it relieved her greatly when I chose a different path later in life.
After my dad and I shed a few tears, we put "House of Wax" (from the clearance rack at Half Price Books) into the DVD player. Nothing can get rid of tears faster than Paris Hilton in a shriek fest. Again, this is a movie to which I hadn't seen the original, but as scary movies go, this one was good - and of course, pretty gory and quite frightening - at least to me.
It was difficult to say good-bye to my dad this afternoon. He started to cry when I left - and he hadn't done that since I was 17-years-old and on my way to boot camp. I know he must feel so alone there, surrounded by so much that reminds him of my mom. After all, he met her when he was 18 years old, and had been with her ever since.
And so the first celebration has come and gone without my mom. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't complete. However, I still felt her love and that certainly helped more than it hurt.
We got through Friday night by watching a movie I rented: the remake of Pelham 1-2-3. I never saw the original, but I have to say this version was entertaining. If there's one thing John Travolta can do, it's play crazy well.
Saturday was my birthday. I woke up feeling some trepidation - but my dad and I had plans for the morning to keep us busy. We went to the flea market, then off to my favorite store (Half Price Books, where I got a great deal on a tarot deck), and then to lunch. So far, so good.
We went home, and it was time for gifts and pie. I knew opening my gifts would be difficult, because the gifts were things my mom ordered from catalogs for me when she was bedridden. In other words, the gifts were from her, but she wasn't there to celebrate with me.
All the gifts touched me, but two stood out: a copper wall hanging of a pentacle next to a moon, and the Jessica Galbreth's Enchanted Oracle. My mom picked these out of my favorite "witchy" catalog without any hints from me at all. My mom was so supportive of my alternative life path - much more so than she was when I was following the independent fundamentalist Baptist path I was on when I was in my 20's. In fact, after I became born again, she told me I was not allowed to talk about God and stuff in her house. I think it relieved her greatly when I chose a different path later in life.
After my dad and I shed a few tears, we put "House of Wax" (from the clearance rack at Half Price Books) into the DVD player. Nothing can get rid of tears faster than Paris Hilton in a shriek fest. Again, this is a movie to which I hadn't seen the original, but as scary movies go, this one was good - and of course, pretty gory and quite frightening - at least to me.
It was difficult to say good-bye to my dad this afternoon. He started to cry when I left - and he hadn't done that since I was 17-years-old and on my way to boot camp. I know he must feel so alone there, surrounded by so much that reminds him of my mom. After all, he met her when he was 18 years old, and had been with her ever since.
And so the first celebration has come and gone without my mom. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't complete. However, I still felt her love and that certainly helped more than it hurt.
Monday, November 09, 2009
So Fresh To God
My mom died a month ago. I have so much sadness inside regarding that, and I'm not even sure how to express it. One saying that keeps running around in my head is this:
"I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens
What grabs me is the "so fresh from God" part. That certainly describes the gift of birth - but what about death? "So fresh to God" is more apropos there. I feel that she is now fresh to God; it's as if I can still feel her here, and yet feel her gone as well.
Soon I will no longer feel her here. I look at some of the things I use in my daily life. Just today I used a notepad which she had put in my stocking last year. I just finished a bottle of water from a case she had bought for me before she went into the hospital. One day soon, those things will all be gone and I'll no longer have much tangible evidence of her existence - only memories.
I can remember sitting with her that last night at the hospital. I held one of her hands, and my dad held the other. Every once in awhile she would come out of her morphine stupor and say "Oh Pam" or "Oh John." Sometimes she would simply wake up and say "I love you." I can remember her voice, heavy with drugs. But will I remember it in a month? In a year? I hope so, because my greatest fear is that I'll begin to forget those things that were so clearly a part of her: her voice. Her eyes. Her laugh.
I don't want to forget. I want to hold on for dear life.
"I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens
What grabs me is the "so fresh from God" part. That certainly describes the gift of birth - but what about death? "So fresh to God" is more apropos there. I feel that she is now fresh to God; it's as if I can still feel her here, and yet feel her gone as well.
Soon I will no longer feel her here. I look at some of the things I use in my daily life. Just today I used a notepad which she had put in my stocking last year. I just finished a bottle of water from a case she had bought for me before she went into the hospital. One day soon, those things will all be gone and I'll no longer have much tangible evidence of her existence - only memories.
I can remember sitting with her that last night at the hospital. I held one of her hands, and my dad held the other. Every once in awhile she would come out of her morphine stupor and say "Oh Pam" or "Oh John." Sometimes she would simply wake up and say "I love you." I can remember her voice, heavy with drugs. But will I remember it in a month? In a year? I hope so, because my greatest fear is that I'll begin to forget those things that were so clearly a part of her: her voice. Her eyes. Her laugh.
I don't want to forget. I want to hold on for dear life.
Friday, October 30, 2009
He isn't who he says he is...
Before my mom died, I actually went out on two dates with the same guy. Go figure - me. Out. Not once, but twice.
The guy is someone I met via my favorite-and-not-so-favorite matchmaking site. He is a top blogger, and seemed kind of into me. And in all honesty, probably way more into me than I was into him.
On paper he seemed great. His blogs are funny and insightful. He seemed genuine. And nice. When we moved our email conversations to the phone, I still found him to be interesting. And genuine. But... not as funny as his blogs. And in fact, kind of not funny at all.
He had this annoying habit of asking me a question, and interrupting me before I could finish my response. He also admitted that his driver's license had been suspended because of two DUIs. But, I decided to overlook all that (he changed his lifestyle - he promised not to talk over me when we met) and meet him anyway.
Our first meeting was nice. I didn't think he was as good-looking as his photos, but he was nice. Well-dressed. Pleasant. I enjoyed our talk - or at least I enjoyed it when he didn't interrupt me or talk over me. I do admit I got a bit annoyed that he interrupted me so often.
I felt weird just leaving him there when I left. He waited for his dad to pick him up. I fluctuated between thinking I should have offered to take him home to thinking it was kind of sad that a 49-year-old guy had to wait for his dad to pick him up.
He told me he definitely wanted to see me again. And since it wasn't a bad date, other than the lack of sparks, I decided to give it another try. The next time we met was for dinner, a movie, and then drinks afterward. Drinks? Yeah...I know. But that was the plan.
He was all dressed up - a tie and a leather jacket. He looked good. But once again he interrupted me frequently - and I found myself getting irritated. I remember saying "Please let me finish, and then ask me your questions!" But...he just couldn't help himself. He would talk over me and ask me questions that had nothing to do with the original question I was answering in the first place. It was driving me bananas. Plus...he wasn't funny. Where was the guy that was so witty in his blogs?
Well, then my mom died and he sent me an email asking me to call him. I didn't feel like talking, so I didn't call. He emailed me again a few days later and asked me to call him. WTF? Was his dialing finger broke? It kind of ended after that, but it was probably dead long before that last email.
It's weird to read his blogs now. So many woman want him. And he wants so many of those women. And his blogs are so funny and insightful...but they aren't like him at all. Or are they? Was he just not like that with me? I dunno...
But I had to laugh when I read his latest blog written to a specific woman talking about his fantasy date. It would involve picking her up and going for a drive and making out in the car. Last I heard, he wouldn't have his license for another five months. I hope whoever she is doesn't mind making out in the car with dad in the driver's seat.
The guy is someone I met via my favorite-and-not-so-favorite matchmaking site. He is a top blogger, and seemed kind of into me. And in all honesty, probably way more into me than I was into him.
On paper he seemed great. His blogs are funny and insightful. He seemed genuine. And nice. When we moved our email conversations to the phone, I still found him to be interesting. And genuine. But... not as funny as his blogs. And in fact, kind of not funny at all.
He had this annoying habit of asking me a question, and interrupting me before I could finish my response. He also admitted that his driver's license had been suspended because of two DUIs. But, I decided to overlook all that (he changed his lifestyle - he promised not to talk over me when we met) and meet him anyway.
Our first meeting was nice. I didn't think he was as good-looking as his photos, but he was nice. Well-dressed. Pleasant. I enjoyed our talk - or at least I enjoyed it when he didn't interrupt me or talk over me. I do admit I got a bit annoyed that he interrupted me so often.
I felt weird just leaving him there when I left. He waited for his dad to pick him up. I fluctuated between thinking I should have offered to take him home to thinking it was kind of sad that a 49-year-old guy had to wait for his dad to pick him up.
He told me he definitely wanted to see me again. And since it wasn't a bad date, other than the lack of sparks, I decided to give it another try. The next time we met was for dinner, a movie, and then drinks afterward. Drinks? Yeah...I know. But that was the plan.
He was all dressed up - a tie and a leather jacket. He looked good. But once again he interrupted me frequently - and I found myself getting irritated. I remember saying "Please let me finish, and then ask me your questions!" But...he just couldn't help himself. He would talk over me and ask me questions that had nothing to do with the original question I was answering in the first place. It was driving me bananas. Plus...he wasn't funny. Where was the guy that was so witty in his blogs?
Well, then my mom died and he sent me an email asking me to call him. I didn't feel like talking, so I didn't call. He emailed me again a few days later and asked me to call him. WTF? Was his dialing finger broke? It kind of ended after that, but it was probably dead long before that last email.
It's weird to read his blogs now. So many woman want him. And he wants so many of those women. And his blogs are so funny and insightful...but they aren't like him at all. Or are they? Was he just not like that with me? I dunno...
But I had to laugh when I read his latest blog written to a specific woman talking about his fantasy date. It would involve picking her up and going for a drive and making out in the car. Last I heard, he wouldn't have his license for another five months. I hope whoever she is doesn't mind making out in the car with dad in the driver's seat.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Two Weeks Ago Today
Two weeks ago today I arrived at the hospital a half an hour too late.
Two weeks ago today, I stood outside my mom's hospital door, waiting for the doctor.
Two weeks ago today, I listened as he told me what I already knew in my heart.
Two weeks ago today, I sat by my mom's lifeless body and cried.
Two weeks ago today, I waited for my dad to arrive.
Two weeks ago today was the first time I ever saw my dad break down and cry.
Two weeks ago today, my dad and I held on to each other for support.
Two weeks ago today I felt lost and confused.
Two weeks ago today I thought I'd never be happy again.
Two weeks ago today I finally understood why people get married and have children.
Two weeks ago today, I realized my mom understood why long, long ago.
Two weeks ago today, I made the hardest phone calls ever in my life.
Two weeks ago today, I thought I'd never get through the night.
Two weeks ago today, I was awaken by the sound of my dad's voice, and I realized he was talking to my mom and my heart broke for him.
Two weeks ago today, I knew how alone my mom felt at age 16 when she lost her own mom.
Two weeks ago today, my world completely changed and it will never be the same again.
I miss you, mom.
Two weeks ago today, I stood outside my mom's hospital door, waiting for the doctor.
Two weeks ago today, I listened as he told me what I already knew in my heart.
Two weeks ago today, I sat by my mom's lifeless body and cried.
Two weeks ago today, I waited for my dad to arrive.
Two weeks ago today was the first time I ever saw my dad break down and cry.
Two weeks ago today, my dad and I held on to each other for support.
Two weeks ago today I felt lost and confused.
Two weeks ago today I thought I'd never be happy again.
Two weeks ago today I finally understood why people get married and have children.
Two weeks ago today, I realized my mom understood why long, long ago.
Two weeks ago today, I made the hardest phone calls ever in my life.
Two weeks ago today, I thought I'd never get through the night.
Two weeks ago today, I was awaken by the sound of my dad's voice, and I realized he was talking to my mom and my heart broke for him.
Two weeks ago today, I knew how alone my mom felt at age 16 when she lost her own mom.
Two weeks ago today, my world completely changed and it will never be the same again.
I miss you, mom.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
It's About Damn Time
...or is it?
This is a comment I made in response to what I read as a flirtatious remark from an old boss of mine. We've kept in touch on and off through the years. Recently when I was going through old emails, I realized I hadn't responded to his last one sent a few months ago. So, I wrote a response and updated him on my life, which included an update on my love life: barren.
When I worked with my old boss, he was married and I was with Todd. My boss was happy in his relationship, I was, well, relatively happy with mine. There was no flirting. No crushing. We were just co-workers. But...
I will admit to just liking him. As a person. I found him to be smart. And funny. And he had his head screwed on straight. He didn't get caught up in office politics or gossip. He was a good husband. He was also a mentor of sorts to me. However, I had no romantic feelings for him at the time, and I imagine it was also the same on his end. However...
When we spoke on the phone in December or January and I discovered he was divorced, I remember thinking "Hmmm...." Nothing much more than that. Just "Hmmmm..." Maybe the statement tickled some sort of thought of possibility, but that was about it. Then...
I received his reply yesterday. He wrote, "Sorry to hear about Todd. But I'm sure you'll have no difficulty finding new romantic interests. Heck if I wasn't 100s of miles away..."
Ah...HA! Or was it Ah HA? I don't know...but I do know that I wanted to proceed carefully. How should I let someone I once worked for know that I, too, might be interested. Or was that what he was saying?
Finally, I sent off a reply. I addressed other things in his email, first, and then replied to the above comment thusly: "Why John Smith (name changed to protect the innocent), are you flirting with me? It's about damn time."
I haven't heard back. I'm wondering if I should have just left it at the question, and not put in the "it's about damn time" comment. See...perhaps that part made him think I was crushing on him way back when. And that might make him feel uncomfortable - thinking that I had wanted him to make moves when he was still married. Which I didn't. But you know...a lot can be read into a comment. And I do seem to make many comments that people can read into...when really, I didn't mean anything by them.
What will happen next? He's in Roseville for now, which is only a two-hour drive away. But we're both broke - so much different than our days of working together, when we both made pretty good money. Ah...the good old days...
I dunno, though. I'm ready for more good days. And who knows what today's email might bring...
This is a comment I made in response to what I read as a flirtatious remark from an old boss of mine. We've kept in touch on and off through the years. Recently when I was going through old emails, I realized I hadn't responded to his last one sent a few months ago. So, I wrote a response and updated him on my life, which included an update on my love life: barren.
When I worked with my old boss, he was married and I was with Todd. My boss was happy in his relationship, I was, well, relatively happy with mine. There was no flirting. No crushing. We were just co-workers. But...
I will admit to just liking him. As a person. I found him to be smart. And funny. And he had his head screwed on straight. He didn't get caught up in office politics or gossip. He was a good husband. He was also a mentor of sorts to me. However, I had no romantic feelings for him at the time, and I imagine it was also the same on his end. However...
When we spoke on the phone in December or January and I discovered he was divorced, I remember thinking "Hmmm...." Nothing much more than that. Just "Hmmmm..." Maybe the statement tickled some sort of thought of possibility, but that was about it. Then...
I received his reply yesterday. He wrote, "Sorry to hear about Todd. But I'm sure you'll have no difficulty finding new romantic interests. Heck if I wasn't 100s of miles away..."
Ah...HA! Or was it Ah HA? I don't know...but I do know that I wanted to proceed carefully. How should I let someone I once worked for know that I, too, might be interested. Or was that what he was saying?
Finally, I sent off a reply. I addressed other things in his email, first, and then replied to the above comment thusly: "Why John Smith (name changed to protect the innocent), are you flirting with me? It's about damn time."
I haven't heard back. I'm wondering if I should have just left it at the question, and not put in the "it's about damn time" comment. See...perhaps that part made him think I was crushing on him way back when. And that might make him feel uncomfortable - thinking that I had wanted him to make moves when he was still married. Which I didn't. But you know...a lot can be read into a comment. And I do seem to make many comments that people can read into...when really, I didn't mean anything by them.
What will happen next? He's in Roseville for now, which is only a two-hour drive away. But we're both broke - so much different than our days of working together, when we both made pretty good money. Ah...the good old days...
I dunno, though. I'm ready for more good days. And who knows what today's email might bring...
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