Friday, March 18, 2011

Things About Me You Couldn't Care Less About

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

Wouldn't you like to know?

2. Where was your profile picture taken?

Well, it's not a photo - it's an illustration by Mary Engelbreit, one of my favorite artists.

3. Name someone who made you laugh today?
No one yet. It's still early.

4. How late did you stay up last night and why?

Hmmm... until about 1 a.m. Had a bad case of reflux - thanks to the Leprechaun Sandwich. I shouldn't have gotten it - I did see that it had some sort of onion puree on it. Blergh.

5. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

Oh yes. Most definitely.

6. Ever been kissed under fireworks?

Hmmm... maybe. I dunno - I can't remember that far back. I think I was in Germany when it happened. Or didn't happen. But again... yeah. Drawing a blank.

If I was, apparently it wasn't memorable.

7. Do you believe ex's can be friends?

Do I believe exes can be friends. Yes. Do I believe I can be friends with an ex? No. After all, we're exes for a reason.

8. When was the last time you cried really hard?

Last night. And not because I had reflux.

9. Was yesterday better than today?
No. Or yes. It's too early to tell.

10. Can you live a day without TV?

Yes. I have gone days without a TV. Even years.

I admit that I like it, though. The TV that is. Not going without. Although going without isn't bad, either.

While I have a TV now, I only just hooked up the converter box. I get a whopping 6 channels in the English language. One classic movie station. ABC. NBC. Two local stations that aren't PBS. And a sports channel.

So... even with the converter box hooked up, I don't watch much TV. Although I do watch shows on Hulu. Less commercials.

11. Are you upset about anything?

Right now this minute? Kind of. But I'm ignoring it for the moment, as I have things to do. I can always think about it later.

12. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

Worth what? And is this question about relationships in general, or romantic relationships?

I am not one of those "It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" kind of people. Sappy crap.

Was my last romantic relationship worth all the heartache and the turmoil? Nope.

Are relationships with my friends worth the effort? Yes.

So see, this is one of those "depends" kind of questions - it's not specific enough to garner a real deep response.

13. Night out or night in?

Depends. I'm almost always up for a karaoke night out. I hate that I don't have any friends right now that love it as much as I do.

And there are definitely times I would much rather stay in than go out - it's all a matter of mood. And weather!

14. What items could you not go without during the day?

Coffee (low acid instant: Kava). Toilet paper. Straight iron.

15. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

My dad.

16. How do you feel about your life right now?

Helpless. Lost. Unsatisfied. Scared.

17. Do you hate anyone?

Hate? No. Strongly dislike? Definitely.

18. If we were to look in your email inbox, what would we find?

Wouldn't you like to know?

19. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Yes. I've been called "Little Miss Perfect..." that counts, right?

20. What song is stuck in your head?

For absolutely days it was that stupid Grenade song - but then I woke up yesterday and it was Madonna's "Ray of Light." I have no idea how that snuck into my head - maybe it was on the radio while I was sleeping. But now I can't get it out of my head.

Let me tell you, I'd much rather have that in my head than Grenade.

21. Name something you have to do tomorrow:

Make cheesy garlic bread for our Ostara get-together.

22. Do you think too much or too little?

Way too much.

23. Do you smile a lot?

Not really.

24. What cuss word do you use the most?

Hmmm... I use "frick" a lot in place of the more obvious choice. I don't know if "crap" is considered a cuss word these days, but that's the word I use the most.

I hate hearing women say "shit." So, I use "crap." Not sure if it's really all that much better... but it's my cuss word of choice.

As an aside, I knew someone who used to say "Fuck me" a lot when something went wrong. I thought it was kind of funny - a way to make in fun of the situation.

I started using it - but now try very hard not to. I've been paying attention to this Law of Attraction stuff, and now wonder if by saying it, I'm just inviting the Universe to fuck me even harder. And seriously? I don't need that right now. I'm getting reamed enough as it is by the Universe. And not in a good way.

25. What were you doing at midnight last night?

You know, this is an odd question - because most of the time I'd be sleeping. But last night, yeah... I was reading a book by Cecelia Ahern.

I loved the first book of hers that I read, "P.S. I Love You." It was a touching story about a woman who was widowed at a young age. But this book I'm reading now, ye gads, I can't even remember the title - it's just so cliche. I am not even sure why I'm continuing to read it - maybe I just like to torture myself.

Saturday, March 05, 2011


You know, one of the things I absolutely loathe and detest is that periodically I have a dream featuring Mr. Kim. These dreams haunt me for days, usually because they point out obvious things I already knew, and don't know why I need to berate myself with these things while sleeping.

Early this morning I had another dream featuring Mr. Kim, but this one was different. For the first time, I actually came out the victor in the dream.

I can't remember a lot about the details of how Mr. Kim and I got together in the dream. I know my dad was in my dream, and so was my mom. But at some point, I was at Mr. Kim's place (you know, the home I used to share with him), and Kim was long gone. I don't mean they were broken up - she was on a trip or out of state or something.

I was pick up my stuff? To...? I have no idea. What I do remember quite clearly is that he made sexual advances towards me. He started telling me how much he missed me - how I turned him on, etc. And I asked him one question - while I can't remember exactly what I asked, I know it had to do with the his status. I maybe asked him if he was leaving Kim or if he was not in love with her...

The point is, he didn't answer the question. He looked sheepish and shamefaced at the same time. He started to respond, and then stopped himself. Then he pressed himself against me again, and started seducing me with words.

This time, I recognized it for what it was: just pure sexual attraction. I realized in my dream that he was not going to leave her, that whatever this thing we had was just chemistry. I told him to stop, I wasn't interested any more.

I also asked him if we were to have sex, how would he know that Kim wouldn't find out? I reminded him that he cheated on me with her - and that if I was her, I would be keeping a watchful eye on every little thing he did, especially if I was away. And then I said, "You know, if I had the money she has, I would even probably hire a private detective to keep an eye out."

He left the room, and I went to straighten the bed (we were still fully clothed). I found a money clip under the pillow with some small bills in it. I left the clip, and took the money.

Then I thought that while he might not remember the amount of money that was there, he'd certainly know that the money clip had something - I started to return a twenty dollar bill... and then stopped myself. I took it. I realized it was small payment for all the crap he put me through, and for all the stuff of mine that Kim gave away.

I grabbed up what few belongings of mine was still there and left.

While I knew the money didn't even make a dent in the value of the stuff Kim took from me, I knew he wouldn't be able to confide to Kim that I took the money without explaining why I was there in the first place. I smirked and felt powerful as I walked away.

I really like that I had such a different and powerful dream for a change. I truly believe this signifies something important - hopefully a shift in my journey.

Moving forward once again. Yay!

Playing Catch

There was a time when I blogged every single day. Yes. Every day. Now... well... yeah.

This week there was a lot on my mind. I could have shared with the group - but I didn't. I'll try to recap it all here - because it does me no good sitting around in my head, festering like a sore.

Once again, I seem to have caught the attention of a grandpa. Technically, he is not a grandpa, in that he doesn't have grandkids. Yet. But age-wise, he falls into the grandpa category.

He is interested in me, but - oh yes there is always a "but" now isn't there - there are so many things wrong with this that I am not confident I can express it all here. Basically, he reminds me a lot of a guy I used to date about a year ago - and not necessarily in a good way. He blurts out things that are totally inappropriate for the conversation at hand. He does not want to get married again. And he is almost a full 15 years older than me.

The other day, I was at Goodwill and ran into a woman I've met at several meetups. We got to talking, and she mentioned Grandpa. I was curious what she thought about him, so without giving any info about how he'd been pursuing me, I probed her for her thoughts on him. She said, "There is something wrong with him. He gives me the creeps." And while I admit he doesn't give me the creeps, there is definitely something off about the guy.

Why oh why can't I ever attract the attention of someone my age who is relatively sane?

I think I did see someone who was sane the other day at Goodwill. While I was talking to my new acquaintance, I noticed a very good looking older guy who looked my way periodically. I think I've seen him at Goodwill before. He has striking blue eyes. Or gray. Or something - whatever. They're striking, no matter what color they are.

When I got into line to pay, he was in front of me. He had been chatting to the woman in front of him. When he sensed me by him, he turned around and stared at me. I finally met his eyes and he said, "Hey! Cool necklace you've got on." I thanked him, and told him I got it at Goodwill.

I looked at his left hand - no ring. Then I looked at purchases, which were kind of interesting. Two books - I like readers. And a statue of a, well, not a Buddha. Some sort of Asian God or Goddess, though. He was so happy with it, and I was thinking, "Dammit. Why didn't I see that?"

Just when I was feeling kind of happy and lighthearted that he had seemed to take an interest in me, a woman joined him and they left together.

She was too old to be his daughter. Dang it.

So, my social life is very dry right now - and my work life is, well, full of suckage.

There is a 21-year-old on my team who likes to boss me around. She has no refined people skills. I take that into account when dealing with her, but I got totally fed up with her this week. She was passive aggressive with me about a several work issues - and that last instance just pushed me over the edge. Basically, she stated that she didn't know why I didn't pick up two requests in the label queue, as she knew I wasn't working on anything.

For one, I had been instructed specifically NOT to pick them up. Secondly, her cube mate also was not doing anything. Nothing. And in fact, because he had nothing to do, he spent large amounts of time playing basketball with his friends. On company time.

But... I guess I am the easy target.

There are times I think, "That's it! I'm going to apply for every job I see, whether I am qualified or not!" And then there are other times that I think I'm lucky to have a job that's fairly secure - no matter how sucky it is. We're currently in no danger of being laid off, which is saying a lot in this climate.

Last but not least, there is my dad and his health issue(s). I wanted to go visit last weekend, but we had a huge snowstorm and I was not confident that I'd make it through the Pass. This weekend there is also snow predicted - so I'm not sure I'll be able to visit, either. And I really want to - we'll see. I still might be able to.

I would feel better if I could visit and see him in person, and run some of his errands.

And apropos of nothing, yesterday I was hella hungry, and today I have no appetite. I didn't eat lunch, and totally don't feel deprived or hungry or cranky.

Wouldn't it be great if that happened to me every day?