Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Start Of Something Good

As I may have admitted before, I'm one of the losers who posted a profile to a well-known singles site. I haven't had many dates from the site, but I did make a good group of friends there.

About once a month, we organize a get-together for the local singles on the site. The one we had last month was at Spiros for the Retro Dance Party. Shortly after I arrived, two guys came in. One of them looked at us, and headed for the bar. (Yeah, I'm kind of used to that.) The other looked at us, looked again, and came over and said something, then joined his pal at the bar.

I didn't hear what the guy said, but apparently he said hi to one of the other girls. It turned out it was my favorite Bill Pullman lookalike from the site, and he was there with his dad. We all kind of gave him the once over, and the girls in the crowd concurred that he was a cutie.

After we'd been there for a couple of hours, "Bill" and his dad got up to leave. Bill came over to me, put his arm around me and told me that he enjoyed my blogs, but that he hoped I wouldn't blog about him being too "chicken" to join us (I'm notorious for that, ya see). He added that he didn't realize that we were having a site get-together that night.

When I got home, I logged into the site and sent him an email, telling him I promised I wouldn't blog about him. Then I promptly wrote a blog entry and mentioned him. Oops. I guess I lied.

Well, I joked with him about it, and he emailed me to say he'd like to take me out for a glass of wine some time to thank me for the "hours" of enjoyment he had received from reading my blogs.

He actually went through with the promise this Friday. We met at the Marina for a walk, and then drinks. Before we met, he stressed that he thought I'd be a "good drinking buddy and companion." In other words, "Babe, this is not a date."

That's okay. I didn't mind - I just wanted to get to know "Bill" better.

I don't know if it was the fact that I felt he wasn't interested in me, or what, but I was fairly comfortable with him. We talked. And talked. And talked. We walked around the Marina twice, and still hadn't run out of anything to say.

We went to The Jib for drinks, and our conversation didn't end. Before I knew it, it was almost 7 p.m. He told me he was enjoying my company - would I like to go out to dinner? I wanted to. SO BADLY. But, I had promised Grandpa Sam that I would meet him at the Nugget for dancing, so I had to go home and change.

Bill walked me out to my car, and we chatted for a minute. Then he turned away. I said "Hey! Gimme a hug!" Normally I'm not that forward, but I felt like I could be with him. He came back, hugged me tight, and kissed the side of my head.


Now, granted, it was the side of my head. He could just be a very friendly guy. Or maybe he had started to change his mind about me. Whatever - I don't care. All I know is that I couldn't stop smiling all the way home.

He has since emailed me to say he enjoyed meeting me and we have to have another adventure soon.

Yes. Yes we do.

I don't think I'll stop smiling any time soon. And that's a good feeling - a good feeling, indeed.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Underwire Support System

When I first moved to Sparks from California to live with Todd, I found out that a co-worker from my California days lived on the same street. I thought "hey! A built-in friend." Not so much. I mean, she was and is a nice girl, but any time I got together with her, I was exhausted afterward. She talked. And talked. And talked. And, I never got a word in. Plus, she would tell the same stories over and over again about injustices at our old place of business. In my head, I would say "move on already!" In person, I would nod and smile, because like I said before, I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

So, our friendship fizzled, leaving me kind of alone. I mean, sure I had Todd, but that was it.

Todd kept after me to make friends. And believe me, I tried. But, as this area is kind of transient in nature, it seemed as if every time I made a friend, that friend would move away shortly afterward.

And then, well, I don't know how it happened, really, but I ended up with a bunch of friends here. And more friends than I had had in a long time. This support system was in place when I made the decision to leave Todd and move on.

The timing couldn't have been better.

At the time I made that decision, my life came crashing down around me. I got laid off. My mom's health took a turn for the worse. And of course, even though I was the one that made the decision to end our relationship, the decision had really been Todd's in the first place - he just couldn't or wouldn't let go. I had to sever the ties that kept us bound to one another, and that was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

And even though this time in my life is probably my darkest hour, I am surrounded by friends. These people constantly surprise me with their generosity and love. For example, I was going to have to quit my Thursday night class, because it is money that I shouldn't be spending right now. But, my classmates didn't want me to leave, so they take turns paying my way, week after week. My ex-co-workers invite me out for lunch and insist on paying my way. And just when I think I can't stand another moment alone, someone calls and invites me to a movie or out for a walk or over for belly dancing.

It may have taken me years to find some friends here in Reno, but the time put in was well worth it. I couldn't ask for better friends - and for those of you who are reading this, I thank you. You've been a lifesaver in ways you couldn't even imagine.

Dancing With My Grandpa

Another girls' night out at GSR...and I wanted to dance with someone other than the girls. I sent a little prayer up to God. And God, laughing at me all the while, said "Sure, PJammy. I will get you a dance partner," and he promptly delivered me Grandpa Sam. Now, Sam is old hat. We've seen him there before. Normally he focuses on my friend Colleen, but tonight he only had eyes for me.

I know I've said it before: The grandpas love me. I don't know what it is about me - my mentholated perfume, my stockpile of Poli-Grip, or my bagful of hard candy, but they love me.

So, Sam and I danced. And danced. And danced. Sam asked me if I had kids. I told him no. His eyes lit up. He said "I could really fall for you since you don't have kids!" Damn. Why didn't I say I had a litter? Huh?

Sam continued to woo me all night long (well, until the bus from the assisted living place showed up, anyway). He asked me to go out dancing on Friday night. I know - every woman's dream is to have a date on a Friday night, huh? But, is every woman's dream to have a date that she will have to tuck into bed at eight p.m.?

Anyway, Sam kept at it, and I have to admit, there's something about a guy who is persistent. I took his email and phone number and promised I would call.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I will. I promised.

And then from across the room I saw him: Biker Dude. Only, tonight he was dressed up as Cowboy Dude. He really likes to keep a girl guessing. He spun me around the dance floor a time or two - dang, he is a good dancer. Actually, Grandpa was a good dancer, too, but he stepped on my toes a few times and said "oops" while he giggled like a girl.

Yes. He giggled. I have to admit, that was kind of cute.

As the evening wore on, my friend Steve decided it was time to go. And so did just about everyone else. I got up to walk out with them, and Colleen said "What? You're leaving? Don't you want to dance with Grandpa anymore?"

I told her that Grandpa had gone home, because it was time for his nightly medication and intake of oxygen. So yes, my girls night out came to a close.

Just as well. Grandpa tired me out.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Booty Call

I have a smashing new dress that some was probably made in some third world country, because it only cost $6 at Ross. Still. Six dollars. Score!

The thing is, this dress is perfect with a pair of black wedge heels that I have. But, when I went to put on the dress to wear to tonight's girls night out, the dress spoke to me. At least, I think it was the dress. It said "Do not wear me with shoes. Wear me with boots."

"But it's spring! The sun is out! Boots are hot!" I muttered out loud.

"You're damn right boots are hot. That's why you're wearing them with me instead of those wedge heels."

"Dammit dress," I said. "Hot as it temperature, not hot as in looks."

"Haven't you ever heard that a woman must suffer for fashion? Quit your whining and put on the damn boots, girl!"

And then, the dress began to hit me over and over again with the paisley ties attached at its side. "Okay, okay! I give up! I'll wear the boots."

It looks like the dress won. I'm wearing the boots. I just hope it's worth it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sex Like A Man

Now, I'm not one to read relationship books, however a friend felt the need to pass on the book "He's Just Not That Into You." As it's a relatively short book, I read it in about two hours.

I dunno - I'm not going to poo poo the book. It had some great advice and I pretty much already knew that stuff, anyway, and lived by it. But, being fresh into the dating scene after 10+ years, it was nice to have the refresher.

But - the other day I saw the rebuttal book "Be Honest - You're Not That Into Him Either." And at the bargain price of $2, it was mine.

I have to admit, I'm not through the whole book yet. The author, though a Ph.D., is not as entertaining as the author of HJNTIY (although he thinks he is). And, he doesn't really make any points or offer clear guidelines - he just throws a bunch of info out there. And maybe that's a good strategy - for some.

I did, however, finish reading the first part of the book which is about sex. The author discusses women's needs, points out the obvious (women process and respond to sex differently than men), and focuses a bit on the sexual revolution and how it (not his words) fcuked up relationships everywhere.

As he points out (several times): Go ahead and have a one night stand, but be prepared for the aftermath (to include being labeled as easy, and the ever present post-orgasm regret). He fully acknowledges that the double standard does exist, and basically tells women to suck it up (amen brother!) - it's not going to change any time soon.

So, while he gives the reader tips on how to "have sex like a man," he also fairly clearly states over and over again that it is biologically impossible for a woman to do so. That as much as she'd like to fool herself into thinking she can, she really can't. Oh sure, he doesn't state it as simply as that - he uses a lot of rhetoric and scientific studies and a comparison of rats to voles (rats = men and voles = women - yeah, I thought you'd women like that rats thing, I know I did).

What it boils down to is this: women have sex drives. But, the hormones that are activated during and after sex trigger affection and facilitates a sense of attachment. So as much as we might like to have that wonderful no-strings-attached one-night stand, we kind of aren't capable of it. We either feel like "sluts" (80% of women polled felt that way after a ONS), or try to get him to commit to...something.

After all the bad news, the author gives out a couple of suggestions to help alleviate post-orgasm regret, however that part of the chapter is titled "Raise (Your Standards) and Reach (For Love)." As you can tell from the title, he's really not advocating the one-night stand for women, even though he is pretending to.

So you may be wondering, "Does PJammy have a point?" Yeah, I'm kind of wondering that myself. I guess my point is, being as I've only had one sexual partner, I sometimes consider the one-night stand. I sometimes just want to move on, even if it's just sexually. Yet, at the same time, I have been cautious because I was afraid I might end up placing too much stock into it, and pretending it was something else.

Armed with the knowledge I gleaned from the book, I'm guessing that a one-night stand probably isn't for me. But, a girl can still dream, can't she?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Keep 'Em Coming

Wow. Today was a good day for my ego. I received not one, not two, but three compliments - all from guys. Okay, sure, one of the guys is gay. And the compliment really kind of came from his mom and he just passed it on. Still, I am going to count it, especially since it had to do with my looks.

You know, after reading some of the blogs today I think some of you really need some compliments thrown your way. Or a hug. Or both. (And in the case of one particular blogger, I think a lap dance is necessary - but believe you me, I'm not volunteering!)

Because you know what? Compliments can really turn a person's mood around. Not that I was in a bad mood today - nope. Not at all. But I was in a focused mood today. I concentrated on paying bills, cleaning house, and getting things in order and getting myself to class. So, when these various compliments came my way during the course of the day, I just found myself smiling like an idiot.

And who doesn't like a smiling idiot, huh? Oh. Yeah. Maybe a lap dancer...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Meditation Makes Me Horny

Apparently this is true. How did I discover this? In a very public setting known as the Church of the Inner Light.

See, one of my Black Hatters called me this morning to chit chat about a group issue (or non-issue in my mind). Then we got to talking about other things, and she told me that she was going to the Sunday meditation held at the Church of the Inner Light (also known as The Mystic Rose or Reno Psychic Institute). She said "You might be interested...Walter might be there."

Well, that's all she had to say. Next thing I know, I was dressed and ready to go.

Interestingly enough, she and I pulled into the parking lot just about the same time. We got out, ventured in together, and sat down. No Walter. Oh well.

Pretty soon Ed began guiding those few of us who showed up (turns out it is freakin' Earth Day, so most of the regulars were at the ED celebration) in meditation. He began with what I believe was probably the basic grounding and centering stuff. Fine.

After about 15-20 minutes of that, he told us that today we would focus on releasing our fear. Then he guided us in an exercise to facilitate losing our fear. When we were working on our first chakra, all of a sudden I felt this lurch in my loins. Huh? I tried to ignore it.

We went on to different chakras, but many times we kept returning to the first (base) chakra, and every time we did, I got hotter and hotter and...whew. I almost couldn't stand it. Finally the meditation ended. I almost whispered a sigh of relief.

Ed went around the room and asked each one of us what we "recognized" happening in our bodies. I was the second one up: I certainly couldn't say that releasing my fears suddenly made me horny. Or could I? Nope. I couldn't. Instead, I volunteered some different information, and we went on our merry way.

Then he got to the last person, who was the only guy in the audience. The guy said that he felt "a fire" in his base chakra. Ed said something about that being the kundalini, blah, blah, blah. And, suddenly it hit me. I wondered if this guy's "fire" was similar to mine?

And nope I didn't ask him. I prefered to keep my fire a secret from Ed and the rest of the class.

Afterward, my friend and I went out for coffee, and sitting and talking in the sun seemed to cool down the fire. Thank goodness - I wouldn't have wanted to ambush the barista just because my chakra had been awakened!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Bad Guys and Boxes

Last week, Todd told me he thought I needed him to be the bad guy. He said he didn't think that was fair. My response was that I didn't need him to be the bad guy - but that I realized finally, after ten years of being together, that I wasn't the bad guy.

We went over some old territory - how he often told me if I was only this or only that or did this that our relationship would be miraculously better. I told him that I tried for years to be more x and more y, only now I realize I never stood a chance - I mean, how can a couple be successful when one part of that couple won't let the other person in?

Like I said, old stuff. Rehashed before. What's new is that I found a box of cards, all from Todd. Every time he sent me flowers or gave me a card, I put it in the box. Out of sentiment, I guess. Or perhaps I kept it because it was tangible proof that somebody loved me. I don't know - but I have it and today I went through it.

In our conversation last week, Todd said that I was never right for him - that there were always problems, and his mistake was trying to make it work - and in holding on to me for so long. So, when I came across that box of cards I knew I probably should wait a bit before looking through it. But, obviously, I didn't.

Today I read about 50+ cards from him - many of those given to me in the first five years of our relationship (which makes sense; the box was packed when I moved to Reno). I read cards from him saying how he couldn't wait to marry me. And how he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with me. And how he was so lucky to have me in his life and that he treasured me above anything else in his life.

And so here I am, sitting in the ruins of this relationship. He's moved on. He found someone else to treasure. To love. To have forever in his life. And because of that, he threw me aside. Yet, he's not the bad guy?

If he knew all along that I wasn't right for him, then why did he write me all these cards saying how right I was for him? Doesn't that make him somewhat of a bad guy?

What really gets me riled up is that if Kim had not come along, he'd still be stringing me along. Writing love notes on cards. The truth is, he just did not want to be alone. And so, yes, he is the bad guy - not because I need him to be, but because he led me on in both word and deed so he wouldn't have to be alone.

While that behavior certainly doesn't merit his being included in America's Most Wanted, it does warrant some revilement and a certain measure of disgust.

And me? I have a box of mementos, a broken heart and a fervent wish that one day I can forgive myself for being so foolish for so long.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Scaredy Cat

As I've mentioned ad nauseam, a group of us single local ladies from Cupid meet at GSR once a week for dancing and drinks and a little bit of storytelling. Interestingly enough, I've seen a Cupidian guy at the bar a lot - he always has a bottle of beer, and seems to hit on the ladies that actually sit at the bar (there are a lot of tables and couches and stuff around the bar area).

Well, I see this cat there almost every week. And, this cat has seen me. Has he ever come up and introduced himself? No. Bought me a drink (hey, they're free!)? Nope. Has he asked me to dance? Of course not. What does he do instead? He sends me an eye contact. WTF? He has seen me live and in person, but nooooo, he wants me to email him (because he's a cheap b*stard with a non-paid membership).

Yeah, good luck with that buddy. I look at it this way: if you didn't have the guts to speak to me in person, the emailing thing just isn't gonna work for me. Toodles, noodle!

Bedtime Stories

Well, today I hit the jackpot. When I visited Redbox on my way out of the grocery store, I was expecting to find that everything I wanted to see was already rented. As I approached The Box, I saw that Bedtime Stories was going to be released on the 7th.

I hit the "rent a DVD" button to see what was available. A little notice popped up that said Bedtime Stories was available. Huh? It's not going to be released until the 7th. I double-checked the sign. Yep. The 7th. I double-checked the message, yep apparently I can rent it. I stuck it in my cart, and checked out.

When the DVD was vended, it looked different than usual. The box was different - oh no. What did they give me? I opened it up, and sure enough it's Bedtime Stories. JACKPOT!

I hit the machine again to see if there were any more good surprises - nope. And in fact, now Bedtime Stories was no longer available as well.


Now if Redbox could just give me a little message about a job that no one else has seen, that would be really great...

Saturday, April 04, 2009

The Decider

I've decided to drop Sport. See, we went out on one very wonderful date. He asked if he could see me again the following Sunday. I said yes. He followed up with me via email. I asked what time? He said "I don't know - I'm not a planner. I'll just play Sunday by ear, and call you when I'm ready to go out."

Um, huh?

Well, Sunday arrived and as the day wore on, I didn't hear from Sport. So, when my girlfriend called and asked me to go geocaching with her, I said yes. When I got home, there was a message from Sport. I didn't call back - it was late, I was tired, and the day was over.

Since then, he has called a few times. The last time he called, I thanked him for calling and told him it was good to hear from him. He said "I wanted to make sure I stayed on your radar."

Okay, this is good, right? Wrong. He still hasn't asked me out for a second date, but seems quite content to keep me as his phone and email buddy.

Homey don't play that.

So, today I am The Decider. I have decided this is enough. My friends and family are also my email and phone buddies. I don't need to add someone to that list whom it looks like I'm never going to see again.

What's that saying? "Ya snooze, ya lose." It's been three weeks since our date, so I'd say nap time is over, and so is the game.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Way To A Man's Heart

I confess: I've been dating someone fairly regularly. You, gentle readers, know him as Mr. Wonderful. And, if he keeps doing that thing he does, I will probably call him Mr. Wonderful as well.

As I may have mentioned, he is a merchant sailor and gone for long stretches of time. For this reason, he has stressed that he didn't want this to be "serious," so technically we are only casually dating. (Doing more "stresses" him out.)

Basically, we just keep each other company. Dinner, movies, and small talk (although I have been known to receive some other fringe benefits as well). On our second date, he took me to Harrah's Steak House. We were enjoying a nice dinner, and he was telling me a story about what happened to his luggage on the way to an assignment. This was before 9/11, and his luggage had been broken into, and his uniforms, most of his clothes, and electronics were stolen. He said he was able to recover most of it through a claim, except for his "porn." He confessed that when going to sea for long periods of time, he likes to bring a stack with him.

Fast forward to two months later - he told me last week that he was called out for assignment. This assignment isn't as long as many of his - 10 weeks vs. the usual 4-month stint. Last night was our "last date" before he leaves. He has been so nice and kind to me, so I wanted to give him something to remember me by (get your mind out of the gutter!). What could I get him that a) wouldn't make him feel I was serious about him but b) would let him know I was thinking of him?

The answer, of course: Porn.

So before our date last night, I went to the adult superstore and stood before the magazine rack in awe. What to get him? Ethnic? Leather? Couples? Barely legal? We hadn't discussed what he likes. Thankfully, the store thoughtfully had "super bargain" packages with a nice assortment inside. I picked out one that I thought covered some of the most basic fantasies, and checked out.

The guy at the counter was nice, but all of a sudden it dawned on me that he probably thought I was a lesbian. Hmmm... well, that's not so different from most of the guys here in Reno, actually. But I digress...

I met him for dinner. We had a nice time, talked, caught up, and before we parted ways I gave him his gift. He was, well, overcome with gratitude. He couldn't believe that I remembered. (Seriously, what girl doesn't remember a guy confessing his love of porn?) He said it was a first, and he was going to take good care of it. (or was it going to take good care of him? I can't remember...)

So, this might not be a match made in heaven, and we may not ever progress past the dinner and movie stage, but I know one thing: I am the first girl to ever give him porn, and he will never ever forget that!