Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Girl Went Into A Bar...

Well, no I didn't go into a bar. Instead, I sat down at my computer and started writing a blog entry. And it was really good, too. But I got distracted and next thing I knew, the whole entry was MISSING. Couldn't be recovered. Kind of like my life.

A few of my friends on FaceBook were first my friends on LiveJournal. I used to blog there every day. Every. Single. Day. And I pretty much did that for years - with maybe a day or two missed here and there. But after a while, I started blogging once or twice a week. And then maybe once a week. And then once a month... and now rarely.

The downhill slope started when things were just not good in my life. While blogging is a release of sorts, I started realizing that my normally funny and light blogs were heavy and depressing. And, honestly? I sometimes didn't even know what to write. My life was falling apart, and I wasn't even sure what was happening - how could I tell that story? And really, did I want to tell that story?

But LiveJournal is my first love, and while I sometimes get caught up in the fun social aspect of FB - Fairyland, status updates, YouTube clips - I miss the more tangible and heartfelt connections on LJ. So, I still blog there occasionally, and I do check in to catch up on my friends list, which brings me to the heart of this post.

Today I read a post from someone who is going through something really difficult. And I could FEEL it when I read it. I could feel her angst. Her frustration. Her sadness. Her desperation. And sadly, I could relate to it because I was in a similar place last year myself.

It's kind of like death - when someone you know loses a loved one, you murmur how sorry you are and move on. But, if you lost someone yourself, you know that pain in a different way - you are more empathetic and sympathetic. You reach out more sincerely and actively, because you just KNOW.

When I read my friend's post, with her heart so openly splayed out, I could feel her anguish from thousands of miles away. One thing she said, though, struck a different cord. She said something about how she felt too old to be going back into the world of dating. Now, friend if you're reading this I know those weren't your exact words - still, it hit me in a strange way. Why? Because I would give ANYTHING to be back in my 30's and in the dating pool.

And I know it's one of those things - because we're only in our own heads. So, a 28-year-old is newly single and thinks "Oh god, not this again! It's so much harder now." And a newly single 35-year-old thinks, "Really? I have to do this again? I thought it was all over with!" Seriously though... doing this again in your late forties? Not so much fun.

Well. Wait. I have said in the past and I still think it's true: Dating is fun. And it is. But the available pool of men is shallower. Guys in this age group think they can get a woman ten years younger than them. And, for the most part, they can. Or they are set in their ways: "if you won't go camping with me, I won't date you." Uh. Okay.Or they're damaged from past relationships, and because they don't want to be hurt again, they don't give as much this time around.

Let's just say it can be a challenge.

Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of challenges. My life has been one big challenge after another. It's never been easy - and I'm not whining about how bad my life is - honestly that's not it. I just haven't figured out how to recover from the gaffe that was my last long-term relationship.

So, I dunno... maybe this girl should walk into a bar. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet a rabbi, a priest and a minister, and then I'll have a new story to tell.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Little Earthquakes

As the song says, "My hands are shaking and my knees are weak." Well, my hands aren't shaking, really - it's my legs. They just won't stop shaking. Saving myself for marriage probably alleviated a lot of angst along the years. I know - I didn't get married. But Mr. Kim and I were in, well, an eleven year relationship that was supposed to end in marriage - or death. But it didn't. And he was my first - therefore, the angst I had with him was, well, to be expected. And it was part of a long-term thing - which leaves me unprepared in dealing with short term things...

So, I went out into the dating world, newly single and feeling like a virgin. Believe me, this make believe virgin made a lot of mistakes. But when I met Les, I felt like I was doing something right.

From the beginning, everything he said or did indicated that he thought I was great. He liked me. He called me - sometimes twice a day. He emailed me constantly. He said all the right things. And then we had sex. And the budding relationship changed from something that could have been really great into just sex.

At first, my naivete prevented me from seeing what was happening right before my very eyes. Before Les and I had sex, he called me. Every day. Emailed me. Every day. Sometimes I heard from him twice. Or three times. Sometimes I got emails AND phone calls. But after we had sex?

Oh wait. Yes, right after we had sex, he kind of kept it up (no pun intended). But then, contact slowly ebbed away. I might not hear from him for days. And as the sex was so explosive and so wonderful, I kind of - yes I admit it - ignored some of the signs that he wasn't that into me.

But he wasn't. And today just cemented that in my brain harder and stronger than anything else he did before now.

He apparently saw me on the wine walk. I didn't see him - I was walking with my friend towards Sierra Tap House(the other witches went to Silver Peak, but neither of us like it there, so we told them we'd meet them at the Tap House). Did he come find me? No. Instead, he emailed me - not right after the wine walk - nope. He emailed me an hour ago. And did he say anything nice? Judge for yourself:

Did you have a good time on the wine walk today? I saw you once, I was in line at the sweet shop next door to the tap house. When I came out I couldn't find you and didn't see you again!I was a little surprised to see you dressed as a witch, is that for Halloween? Have a good weekend. See you soon.

I wasn't sure what to say - but being as I am running on wine, I of course had a lot to say. It began a little something like this;

It's not particularly a "Halloween" thing - it's a Black Hat Society thing. We dress up as witches for every October wine walk.

I'm a witch - if you haven't figured that out already.

Then being as I was feeling a bit, ahem, uninhibited, I went on to say that he wouldn't be seeing me soon. That it was over in my book. He didn't seem that into me. He didn't compliment me, unless we were naked - and even then it was rare. He didn't call or seem to ever want to do anything with me outside of his apartment.

I went on to tell him that I wasn't even mad at him - I took full responsibility. We had sex way too soon, and that was my fault.

Blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda yadda - you catch my drift.

His response? "Wow - well I hope you find what you are looking for."

Um, yeah, thanks buddy. You just proved it to me with that very short response - you aren't into me. At all. And, yes, I made the mistake of telling him that. To which he replied that he thinks I'm an "awesome lady," but that I could have picked up the phone to call him.

Huh? In what world does a girl chase a guy? Or rather, in what world does a girl chase a guy and it actually WORKS?

It kind of doesn't matter, because the upshot is: it's really over. And done with. And for me, there's no turning back.

As my legs were shaking after reading that last email (and why my legs, I have no idea), the phone rang. It was Les! He called to try to convince me to go out with him again. I answered eagerly: "Hello?"

"Hi Pamela - it's Eddie."

Oh. Eddie. Yeah, the guy from Winnemucca. The one I haven't seen in over a month, but who apparently still adores me. Yeah, that Eddie.

And we talked. But honestly? I was so still mulling Les-things over that I wasn't fully engaged in what he was saying - that is until he started questioning my beliefs. We started arguing - and I told him I needed to stop. It was too late, and I wasn't going to argue with him about religion or beliefs or what have you. I told him simply that he could think what he wanted about my beliefs - but he couldn't change them, nor could I ever change his.

He talked some more about how he wants to take me out next weekend, blah, blah - and I wasn't really listening. I was still worked up about the religious discussion, and I was also worked up about Les. So, we ended up saying good night, and I went back to writing this blog entry.

And the phone rang again. At 11:45 p.m.

Could it be Les? Nah, of course it was Eddie. I answered. Yep. It was Eddie.

He started saying something that made absolutely no sense to me. He said that he adored me (well, wait. That makes sense. Who wouldn't adore me?), but the part that didn't make sense was that he wanted to be sure I didn't over think things he said, and blah, blah, blah - what? Huh? I was confused. And he said he wanted me to know that even though he is talking to other girls, that I was still his first choice.

Really? Did he mention he was talking and/or seeing other women during our last phone conversation? How did I miss it? Was I honestly so into mulling over the Les-thing that I totally missed that? (of course the answer is "yes.")

I said no worries - we're grown ups. Of course we're dating other people. What did I expect? It had been over a month since I'd seen him - I figured he was seeing other people, just like I had been.

Eddie said, "What? You're dating other people?"

Um. Yes, hello.... remember? Haven't seen you for a month!

Well, now that he knows that, he REALLY wants to see me next weekend. I'll have to fit him in - I'm kind of busy next weekend. I have a costume party to go to, and a full moon ceremony to host.

But I'll fit him in. Why? Because he adores me.

I think I need a little adoration in my life right now. And really, who doesn't?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Period. The End.

Driving home tonight, I knew it would be the last time I'd be driving home from Les' place. I went there for two reasons: One, because my pants were on fire. Two, as a test. A test he failed. A test I failed. And as this isn't a grade I want to retake, I'll take the fail gladly and move on.

When we first started getting to know each other and date, we were going like gang-busters. He couldn't get enough of me. He would call me and email me. He would make plans in advance to see me. He'd tell me he'd call, and he'd actually call.

Then we had sex.

I know I moved too soon. Believe me, I know it. But after eleven years of saying "yes" (and I know, Mr. Kim would beg to differ), I just honestly don't know how to say "no" any more. Once I'm naked, I just don't see the point of saying "no." The only words that want to fall from my lips are, "What are you waiting for? Let's get to it!"

So yes, sex on the fourth date wasn't the brightest thing I ever did in my whole life. But, he still seemed so into me. He emailed me before I got home to tell me how great it was, how great I was, how much he enjoyed himself, how much fun I was, blah, blah, blah - and I beamed with joy.

The next time garnered a similar result. But soon afterward the phone calls stopped. And the emails weren't as regular. Two days would pass, and I wouldn't hear back from him at all.

Then out of the blue he told me he had an extra wireless set-up - he'd hook me up and connect it to my Wii. He even picked up and paid for the extra cable needed. The hookup didn't work - and he came back a few days later to try it again after doing some research. It still didn't work. He took down some information, told me he'd do some more research and finish up the job.

And then I didn't hear from him for days. I got anxious. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Couldn't even drink. And you know it's bad when homey isn't even interested in a glass of wine.

Then against the text in every relationship book I've ever read, and against the advice of my married male co-worker, I emailed him. I kept it brief and to the point. I received almost an immediate response. He was so sorry that he wasn't contacting me as regularly. He was into me. And to prove it, he invited me over for a movie and wine.

Well, I don't know if that proved it to me. It wasn't a date - not a real one. But I went anyway, because I wanted to see him. To touch him. To talk to him. To kiss him.

We only watched 15 minutes of the movie before our clothes were on the floor.

And as much fun as it was for me that night physically, - he is very attentive - I went home feeling empty. I knew in my heart that this had morphed from a potential romance to an FWB. And I take full responsibility - I was way too easy.

This weekend marked one year since my mom's passing. When I got home on Sunday night, I spent time in ritual, remembering her life and her importance to me. Afterward, I went to bed and it dawned on me that she would want better for me.

I wasn't going to see Les again. I couldn't. But then there was an email waiting for me Monday morning - he sent it late Sunday night. He asked me if everything went well when I was with my dad. He asked if I was okay. And he said he would call later in the week to make plans.

I decided not to answer. To end it there. It was a fairly nice email, sure. But it just wasn't enough, and I wanted more.

My non-response did not go unnoticed. He emailed me two more times. Was I okay? Had he upset me? Could he do anything to make it up to me?

I remembered how I felt when I was on the other end of that, and decided to write back. I didn't want to lie, but then again I didn't want to be completely honest, either. So I said the truth - but not the whole truth: that my homecoming was rough and I was dealing with it.

I didn't go into detail. I didn't explain. I left it at that.

He immediately emailed me back - "I'm here for you if you want to talk." Um. Okay - that's nice, but a guy who was really into me would have simply picked up the phone and said, "Peej, are you okay? Can I do something for you?" He didn't - email is the easy way out and I recognized that immediately.

My married male co-worker said, "Pamela, I think he really likes you. He may not know what to do with that, though, so he's keeping a distance." And I know my married male co-worker means well - but I am done hanging on to false hope. I had really been into Les. I knew he was someone I could fall in love with. And yet, with one email - just that one - I was no longer into him.

But I did wonder this: as we had so much sexual chemistry, could I, now that I had fallen out of like, actually be in a purely sexual relationship with him? Do I have in me?

I pondered on this a lot the last few days. When I thought about the sexual aspect of it - of how it was when we were together - I would think, "Yes, I can do this." I can honestly say I have not had this type of explosive reaction to anyone - not even Mr. Kim. Of course, let's face it, I'm also still a novice. Mr. Kim was my first - and there were only two others after him. Still... with Mr. Kim as my baseline, this thing I had with Les was overwhelmingly delightful and sexually delicious. Could I make that part of it last?

Yet another part of me, the part of me that lost respect for him, thought no. Not because my body wouldn't react; I was pretty sure it would. It was because I felt he wasn't worthy - why give him something when he hasn't worked for it at all?

I thought I had my answer, until he emailed me today. We ended up having some sexually charged exchanges, and I went ahead and engaged because I decided I'd test this out. Could it work? Maybe. Would it work? I had to find out.

We met tonight, and it didn't take us long to hit the sheets. And it was as wonderful as ever. However after it was over, I pulled myself out of it and took a long hard look at him. And at me. And at...this. Whatever it is. It was then that I decided no, this wasn't going to work.

I made sure I gathered up all my things, because I didn't want to have any reason to have to return. We said good night. He kissed me. And then I left.

As I drove home, I thought of a lot of things. I remembered The Sailor, and our time together. That was the closest thing to an FWB I ever had. And it worked, because he treated me like a prize. He took me to dinner - every time we went out. We talked. Watched movies. All that, plus the other - or as close to the other we could get to, seeing as he couldn't physically consummate our affair.

I thought of my parents, and how I know they would want something better for me. I thought of a couple of guys I currently know that I would like to get to know better. I want to be absolutely free to do so. And I thought of myself - and realized that maybe an FWB could still work for me, but not with Les.

When I pulled into my driveway, I knew I wouldn't be returning to Les' place ever again. I walked through the door, took off all my clothes and jumped into the shower. I scrubbed myself clean. I washed my clothes. I burned some sage.

It is over. It is finished. C'est la vie. Que Sera, Sera. Peace out.