Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Hate This Part

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's left's good-bye
To find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here

--Pussycat Dolls

They say that the third time's the charm... I hope that saying proves true. Friday I told Todd that I would not be seeing him any more... not even as a friend. How can I when he doesn't even treat me as a friend? What's the use - especially when he treats his other friends much better than he treats me?

The earth shook on Friday afternoon. I realized it was the result of my heart breaking. Gawd how I hate this part.

I hate this part right here

Code Word: Weather

I was told that if I mentioned the word "weather" in my next post, I'd get a surprise.

Weather! Weather! Weather!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm scary

Well, I guess I must be, anyway. A friend of mine is trying to fix me up with a guy, who just happens to be in the wine business (lucky me!). He called tonight, and I answered the phone. "Hello?" No reply, but I did hear sound in the background. "Hello!" Still no reply, but there was still noise in the background. Then all of a sudden the guy hung up.


I know that my neighbors think I'm scary when I put out the garbage while in my pajamas and robe...but I never knew my voice was so scary. Live and and learn.

Just Like Magic

On the second and fourth Tuesday of the month, I "teach" a tarot class. I use the quotes, because I really organize the class more than teach it...still, it's fun and I love the group of women who show up faithfully each week.

Tonight, I'll be teaching a bit on tarot magic. I started the lesson two weeks ago, and tonight will be a follow up. However, in writing up tonight's outline I found that it felt uninspired... I just grabbed information from other sources and it felt sort of flat.

While I was deciding what to assign for homework, I came up with what I would like to think of as a brilliant idea. Instead of having the women just set up a spell at home using instructions outlined in a book, I am going to have them craft their own spell, then instruct us how to do it at the next class.

I'm so excited! I almost can't wait until the next class to see what everyone comes up with.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Familiar Territory

Tonight, I went out on a date with Todd. Unlike my date on Saturday with G, this date was comfortable and familiar.

We went to one of our old haunts, but seeing as we both have been hit hard in the wallet in this scary new economy, we downsized our order. No alcohol. No filet...just some shared appetizers and cheap salads. Even though our menu selections were different, our conversation and relatationship dance were very much the same.

What's really different is the fact that he now has a new girlfriend. Oh, he might not be calling her that, but she is calling him her boyfriend, so it's really all one and the same when it comes right down to it.

It's very difficult for me to navigate these new waters. What was once appropriate conversation and expectations no longer apply. I find myself almost as unsure with Todd these days as I was on my first date with G. My heart still falls when I am hit with the thought that I may have lost him for good. My heart also quickens with excitement when he compliments the way I look and adds that he couldn't wait to see me.

Our physical relationship has also changed. This change is the most difficult to peg as either "bad" or "good." I no longer feel completely safe with him, and yet...I no longer feel obligated to him, either. This makes the times we connect physically almost as exciting as those first few times we explored each other's bodies. If you asked my pants, they'd tell you that it's almost as if this is a brand new relationship; the excitement is just that frantic and wrought with sexual tension as those first few months. I can't wait to put my hands on him or to feel his hands on me.

Yet...I am not sure how healthy this is for me. I have a few friends that caution me: "Step away from the sexy young man in the goatee" they warn. "His indecision and inability to stick by your side is not good for you."

And so I continue to be confused by a relationship that hasn't really ended. By the fire in my pants every time I see him. By the days that go by without a call or a contact. By the fact that we still love each other, even though our love has morphed into something different and almost unrecognizable.

Are my friends right? They probably are - after all, I don't allow stupid people to be my friends. So perhaps that makes me the stupid one, still wading in familiar territory even though there are treacherous landmines around us. I am not willing to turn back just I'll keep moving forward one unbalanced step at a time, and hope to God I don't trigger an explosion.

A kiss is still a kiss...

Okay, my dear faithful readers, here's one for Ripley's Believe It or Not: I have not kissed a guy, other than my ex-boyfriend (with whom I "enjoyed" a ten+year long relationship) in about 9 years. (Yes, I did kiss someone else when we were on a Ross and Rachel break back in 2000.) So, imagine my great surprise when my Saturday night date not only kissed me once...but kissed me again and again and again.

Now, I know I sound like a school girl, but it really is strange kissing someone new. (Strange good, but strange nonetheless.) The thing about being in a long term relationship is you know how to "be" with the other person. You know what works...what the other person likes, and that person knows what you like. So, being with someone new is, well, a bit daunting to say the least. "Am I doing it right?" "Should I touch him more?" "Does he like it when I stick my tongue down his windpipe?" These are just a few of the questions that ran through my head on Saturday night.

So while I had a great time on the date (a Widow Maker, a visit to the local car show, and then a movie at his house), the thing that stands out are those kisses. He kissed so differently than my ex-boyfriend; not different bad, just... differently. It felt so new and exciting and full of promise...I felt like a teenager again.

Of course, at forty-something or other. feeling like a teenager isn't necessarily a good thing. But, it's not entirely a bad thing, either. In the "cons" column, there's that darn teenage insecurity, the hesitancy, and a lack of confidence. However, in the "pros" column, there's that teenage excitement - that heart-quickening, pants-on-fire, newness of it all.

After one date, I could not say at all where this will go, if anywhere. The guy is ten years younger than me, and is one of those outdoor types that seem to be the majority here in Reno. Still...there's a promise of a call and that's enough for now.

Earth Girls Are Easy

All I can say is, man, that was some date! Gee golly willickers, never told me a first date could be that good. Maybe I need to go on more first dates?

**More to come when I have recovered...

Friday, February 06, 2009

It's A Date!

Wow. I can't believe it. I just got asked out on an honest-to-goodness real live date. Now, I only hope he turns out to be a real live guy...!

But seriously folks...I can see myself falling in love already. Why? Because he's taking me out for a Widow Maker at Claim Jumper. There is no faster way to my heart than a Widow Maker... except for maybe a glass of wine.

There's only one problem: He asked me out tonight for tomorrow night. Now the authors of "The Rules" are yelling at me, saying things like "PJammy, don't you know you're supposed to pretend you're busy on Saturday night?" and "PJammy, you are acting much too available...he should have asked you out three days in advance!"

To them I say "Holy crap, you Virgin Mothers! Haven't you ever had a Widow Maker before? I can't say 'no' to a Widow Maker! You guys are frickin' crazy!"

They won't listen to me, though. They keep yapping and yapping, chiding me for being so easy. I tell you, if they think eating a Widow Maker makes me easy, they haven't seen nothing yet!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Eight Steps to Reaching One's Dreams

Someone blogged about eight steps they took to reach their dreams. In honor of their very boring, I mean, interesting post, here are mine:

1) Drink two bottles of wine, then pass out on the couch. Dream about what I really want. Oh yes, that would be sobriety.

2) Wake up. Go to AA. Grab on to some sobriety before it walks out the door.

3) Once sober, go back home and think about what I really, really want.

4) Write it down so I won't forget it: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

5) Hire an interpreter so I can figure out what it is I just wrote down.

6) Decide that what I really really want is to be a Spice Girl.

7) Decide on a name: Scary Spice is already taken, so I register "Scarier Spice" and sign up for dance lessons.

8) Buy real cool outfits that show off my cellulite, and start singing on street corners, waiting to be discovered.