Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ramblings of an Unstable Mind

1. I'm tired of dating, yet at the same time, I want more dates. I think the problem may be that I need dates with guys that don't leave me feeling tired of dating.

Is that even possible?

2. I am falling in like with a guy that I've been dating. Of course, there's a problem: I think he may be an alcoholic.

3. I want to be an Elk, but their site doesn't tell me how to become one. But it does tell me there will be karaoke next Tuesday.

4. A guy from Match winked at me. I looked at his profile: he has many pictures of himself in leather pants, and a few of him wearing regular pants and a latex top. His profile copy says he's insatiable and likes rough sex. Um, I probably could have figured that out all on my own from all the leather.

5. I contacted him, anyway.

6. Probably because I need a spanking.

7. Speaking of sex, I haven't heard from my booty call. Well, that's kind of a lie. He called when I was out on Saturday. I didn't call him back.

8. I'm not sorry I didn't call him back, but my va-jay-jay is none too pleased with me right now.

9. I've been having dreams again of my ex. And his stupid wife. And in my stupid dreams she is pregnant.

10. I'm having dreams about my ex because of magic I did on the full moon. Seriously Universe, when I made that dream pillow, I was not asking to dream about my ex. MAKE IT STOP.

11. I think, though, that the Universe is telling me to get all my remaining stuff out of his shed so I can move on completely. Hoping that is the real message of all the stupid dreams, I contacted my ex to arrange to pick stuff up. Of course he hasn't contacted me back.

12. The guy I'm falling in like with finally kissed me. I wish I had made him kiss me again.

13. If you hadn't guessed, I can be bossy sometimes.

14. Maybe I should buy some leather pants, so my bossiness will be taken seriously.

15. My dad is visiting me this weekend. I think I'll take him to Virginia City.

16. The guy I went out with last night asked me if I was going to take my dad to see the Suicide Table - and then he got really excited. Almost too excited. I had to look underneath the table to make sure he didn't have leather pants on.

17. He didn't.

18. He kissed me. With tongue. Why do guys think that is appropriate for a first kiss?

19. Am I allowed to bite the next time someone tries that?

20. I am still unsure as to why I said yes to a second date. It might have been the wine. It was really good wine.

21. I just want to meet someone normal, decent, sane and funny. Is that possible?

22. If not, could I at least just find someone to spank me?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Me vs. Marie Osmond

I had a "surprise" date on Saturday night. I went to a party in Carson (which I never found), and returned home to find a message on my machine from some guy who wanted to meet me.

He said he was going to be at Flowing Tide at 9 p.m. wearing a "burnt orange" shirt. I should have known just by that comment alone what the date would be like.

But noooo, instead I thought, "9 p.m. is kind of a random time..." so I looked online to see if there was something special going on at 9 p.m. and low and behold there was going to be karaoke! My joy was barely contained! Because he suggested a place that had karaoke, I figured he read my profile and knew enjoyed it, so I gave him a few bonus points for paying attention and decided to go.

I got there, and the burnt orange shirt stuck out in a crowd so I found him right away. However, when the bartender brought me my drink, he made no move to pay for it, so I pulled the money and a tip out of my purse and paid for it myself. This was a sure sign the date was going to go badly. As we eased into conversation, it turned out he didn't know there was karaoke - yet another sign this date was going to go horribly and completely awry. However, I did not expect it to turn out like this:

Unprompted by me, he started to tell me how much he liked Donny and Marie Osmond, and that he was able to meet them, not once but twice, in Las Vegas. I don't know about you, but I haven't met any straight guys who would admit to liking Donny Osmond. Ignoring the Donny Osmond part of the equation, I asked him if Marie was as pretty in real life as she is on TV.

Good going, PJammy. You opened up a Pandora's box with that question. "Oh no, not at all," the guy responded. Then he pulled out his iPhone and started pulling up the pictures. When he got to the first one, he said "See? She is SO MUCH better looking in person. She is absolutely beautiful. And nice. And..." Well, the list just went on and on.

He was obviously star struck.

Then he paged through photo after photo, telling me about each pose and the story leading up to it. He relayed what he thought to be a funny/cute story about him clunking Marie on the head, and how the second time he met her she remembered and laughed about it.

He showed me a picture of him presenting her with a music box with white roses on top, and then joyously proclaimed that he found out from her on their second meeting that she still had it in her dressing room. Oh how proud he was!

Then he showed me another picture of her gasping with delight over a gift he gave her. As I was in the process of tuning him out, please forgive me for not remembering the minute details, but from what I can gather from the bits of information that I heard that just won’t go away, the gift was some sort of program from some sort of performance she was in. Her joy at receiving the program was because she lost most of her personal memorabilia in a fire at her house. Knowing this, he generously gave it to her for her collection, to which she uttered an orgasmic “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh!” right as the picture was taken.

Then he showed me a picture of him lifting up his pants leg to reveal to Donny his purple socks (for those not in the know, back in the days when Donny graced the cover of many a 16 Magazine, his favorite color was purple - a fact every Osmond fan cherished back then).

At some point, he managed to stop talking about Donny and Marie, and told me that he used to sing karaoke a lot, and that he often made up his own parodies (think Weird Al wannabe). He decided he would sing one for me, and went up to request Margaritaville, which he turned into Marijuanaville. On a date. With someone who has never smoked a doobie in her life.

Oh, but that wasn't the worst of it. He got up to go to the bathroom, and as soon as he left, a grandpa who had been eying me came over and asked me if the seat was free. I took a moment to assess the situation: am I better off sitting with Grandpa or listening to Donny and Marie stories? Both scenarios were pretty grizzly, so as I figured it would be rude to let a complete stranger and Viagra patient take my date's seat, I regretfully told him no, the seat was taken.

Gramps went off and I saw him hitting on at least three more women much younger than myself. The Viagra company must love him.

Was the night a complete bust? Nah, I did get to sing California Gurls with the DJ acting as Snoop Doggy Dog for me.

But when Marie Osmond's Biggest Fan asked me if he could walk me to my car, I said no, I was staying. And so I did. The DJ talked to me a bit, and I left when I was sure the coast was completely clear.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Sassy Saturday

I had an absolutely excellent day. Not sure what the most exciting thing is to report. Was it when my friend was in the bathroom and suddenly called out, "Peej, I have something I want to show you!"

Or was it when I saw John Schneider of Dukes of Hazard and Smallville fame. He is f*cking good looking in real life. And nice, too, as far as I could tell.

Perhaps it was when I was walking down Victoria Avenue and some guy held out his arm, which was laden with Mardi Gras beads, and asked me if I'd like to earn some. "No, but thanks for asking" was my response.

Could it have been when I went home to change shoes before going to karaoke when I noticed I had a blinking light on my phone and it turned out to be a message from my Thursday night boy toy? I guess being a semi-slut on the first date worked in my favor after all.

Or maybe it was when some guy belted out "Play that funky music, white boy" at karaoke. He was pretty good - but was he better than seeing John Schneider up close and personal? I dunno - don't make me choose.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Date Number Four

Date Number Four: Mr. Happy

It started with an email titled "Happy 6th of July."I feel I should stay in contact with you. I feel like there is some kind of connection we have between us I just can't put my finger on it yet :)" (sic)

And so I wrote him back. I know, I'm a sucker. But, he was sincere, and so I thought, what the heck?

In his reply, he asked me if I'd like to try it again. I said yes. So, unlike last time, he set the date, time AND place. Outback on S. Virginia that Friday at 6 p.m. I told him I'd be there.

He left nothing to chance this time. He confirmed again via email later in the week and a phone call. I found it charming and not in the least bit stalkerish.


I got to the restaurant about five minutes early. I went inside, and peeked into the bar area, just in case he decided to grab a beer while he waited. Didn't see him.

I sat down and waited. The host came over to me and asked if he could help me. I said no, that I was waiting for someone. He asked if I had looked in the bar. I said yes, but then realizing that I might not know exactly what this guy looked like, I took another peek. Nope. No one that resembled his online pic.

Not ten seconds later, some guy approached me from behind. "There you are! I have a table." I was taken aback - what is this thing that guys do with grabbing a table first?

I don't get it - this isn't the first time it's happened to me, either, and I find it irritating. It's hard enough meeting someone for the first time, but then I'm supposed to "guess" that he's already seated - and then walk through a busy restaurant looking for someone who resembles an online pic?

I tried to quickly brush off my irritation, because I didn't want to be pissy on our first date. I could save that for later.

Thankfully the waiter came over quickly, and I ordered a Corona Light. I figured the alcohol would calm me down.

Mr. Happy was nice, despite his getting a table without me. We talked and joked and honestly, I felt comfortable. Or as comfortable as one could feel on a first date.

I felt that our conversation was pretty equal - he'd ask me a question, I'd respond. I'd ask him a question, he'd respond. We had some back and forth and some delightful banter - so unlike Mr. River Rafting who hogged the conversation.

After dinner, he paid and we got up to leave. As we walked outside, he said, "Come over to my truck, I have something to show you." I said something like, "you don't know how many times I've heard that line..." and laughed.

I walked with him to his truck, and he said, "Tanny!" I was thinking, huh? What's a Tanny? Then a dog peered over the top of the truck bed. He said, "You said you liked dogs, so I brought Tanny with me so you could meet her."

His dog is part pit-bull and part Sharpei. I've got quite a aversion to pit bulls, mostly because I have cats and I worry that a pit would tear one of them in two. But, this dog seemed really sweet and very, very shy. I could see the Sharpei part of her in her face. I petted her, and she responded.

He and I talked while she ate his leftover steak. Then, he said, "I have something for you." I was going to joke about how many times I've heard that line, but stopped myself when I saw him reach inside a cooler and bring out flowers. White roses to be exact.

He handed them to me, and I thanked him. I told him they were really beautiful and I appreciated the gift. Then he looked alarmed and said, "Well, now, I don't know what they mean - so don't read anything into them! I just thought they were pretty and you said you liked flowers."

He walked me to my car and we hugged. He didn't say anything like "I'd like to see you again," or "I had a good time." He just said good-bye. I thanked him again, got into my car, and after I put my flowers in a safe place, I saw him driving away with Tanny.

I looked at the clock. Seven-thirty. I drove away feeling like I still had the whole night ahead of me, but I didn't know what to do with myself. So I drove home, unsure of whether or not he even wanted to see me again.

I guess only time would tell...