Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Bad Guys and Boxes

Last week, Todd told me he thought I needed him to be the bad guy. He said he didn't think that was fair. My response was that I didn't need him to be the bad guy - but that I realized finally, after ten years of being together, that I wasn't the bad guy.

We went over some old territory - how he often told me if I was only this or only that or did this that our relationship would be miraculously better. I told him that I tried for years to be more x and more y, only now I realize I never stood a chance - I mean, how can a couple be successful when one part of that couple won't let the other person in?

Like I said, old stuff. Rehashed before. What's new is that I found a box of cards, all from Todd. Every time he sent me flowers or gave me a card, I put it in the box. Out of sentiment, I guess. Or perhaps I kept it because it was tangible proof that somebody loved me. I don't know - but I have it and today I went through it.

In our conversation last week, Todd said that I was never right for him - that there were always problems, and his mistake was trying to make it work - and in holding on to me for so long. So, when I came across that box of cards I knew I probably should wait a bit before looking through it. But, obviously, I didn't.

Today I read about 50+ cards from him - many of those given to me in the first five years of our relationship (which makes sense; the box was packed when I moved to Reno). I read cards from him saying how he couldn't wait to marry me. And how he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with me. And how he was so lucky to have me in his life and that he treasured me above anything else in his life.

And so here I am, sitting in the ruins of this relationship. He's moved on. He found someone else to treasure. To love. To have forever in his life. And because of that, he threw me aside. Yet, he's not the bad guy?

If he knew all along that I wasn't right for him, then why did he write me all these cards saying how right I was for him? Doesn't that make him somewhat of a bad guy?

What really gets me riled up is that if Kim had not come along, he'd still be stringing me along. Writing love notes on cards. The truth is, he just did not want to be alone. And so, yes, he is the bad guy - not because I need him to be, but because he led me on in both word and deed so he wouldn't have to be alone.

While that behavior certainly doesn't merit his being included in America's Most Wanted, it does warrant some revilement and a certain measure of disgust.

And me? I have a box of mementos, a broken heart and a fervent wish that one day I can forgive myself for being so foolish for so long.

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