Thursday, April 28, 2011

Case of the Missing Silverware

When I first moved into my place, I had no silverware. So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do: I stole a set from my ex.

Okay, I didn’t exactly “steal” it. After all, I bought it in the first place. But, he didn’t have any silverware of his own, so I took one of each: a knife, a fork, and a spoon. I figured it would get me by until I found a set I liked.

I normally get all my wares from the thrift store, but something about buying used silverware squigged me out, so I started scouting my local department stores for a set I liked. I wanted something decorative and hefty. I finally found what exactly what I wanted at Target (one of my absolute favorite department stores). The price was right, so it was mine within minutes.

While I loved the set, I soon discovered that the knives were no match for steak, so I went back to Target and bought a pair of inexpensive steak knives. Even though the price was low, the knives were great. They cut through even the toughest of steak (and you can pretty much bet, if I’m cooking it, it’ll be tough!).

About three months after I purchased the steak knives, one of my salad forks went missing. I use my salad forks more than my regular forks, because I like the size of them better. But, it’s not like I take them out of the house – no matter how much I like ‘em. I began my search in the usual places, starting with the kitchen drawers.

I looked behind the silverware tray, in the silverware tray (just in case I put it in the spoon section or the knife section). Nope. Looked in the towel drawer. Nope. Then, on a hunch, I looked in the refrigerator – could I have stuck it in there by a mistake? Not there.

I looked in the dishwasher (which I don’t use to wash dishes – I use it as a drying rack). Not there, either. I pulled out the refrigerator, not there. I took a flashlight and looked under the stove. Not there either.

Where did the fork disappear to? I figured it would turn up, but two years later it is still missing.

Apparently the fork got lonely, because late last week one of my steak knives went missing as well. I repeated the process I had employed while looking for the missing fork. The search turned up empty – the steak knife seems to have disappeared into thin air.

I honestly do not understand how two pieces of cutlery could just disappear. It’s not as if I take these pieces out of the house, nor do I have a lot of people over for meals. In fact, I haven’t had anyone over for dinner since the last time my dad was in town (approximately a year ago for those of you wondering).

I use the silverware, I drop it into the sink, wash it, dry it and put it away. Where in that process is a gap for it to go missing? How does it disappear from meal time to wash time?

Do I need to get an X-ray to see if I inadvertently swallowed them?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Monday Musings

1) Today is my dad's birthday. I wasn't able to give him much for his birthday - but I did manage to get him a few things, which he liked. And of course cake. A birthday just isn't complete without cake.

2) Speaking of cake, a guy I dated for approx. five months who came to my birthday party in November just kind of disappeared around Christmas. This month he announced "officially" via Facebook that he's in a relationship.

He is a good guy, and I am happy for him - but now I know why he disappeared! Mystery solved (although I kind of figured it out already. Just call me Watson!).

3) I am counting the days until Saturday - I haven't been able to sleep in in weeks, and I am SO looking forward to going to bed on Friday night, and turning off all the alarms.... and then waking up naturally the next day.

4) I can't wait to start doing some yard work. If the weather has cooperated, my schedule hasn't. I want to spend some quality time out there... especially now that I have some new garden decorations to put out (thanks, Dad!).

5) I want to have a party. Who knows? If I ever get my yard cleaned up, maybe I can have a garden party.

6) I've been thinking about my own mortality a lot lately. About aging. And life cycles. About serious things, like health and dying and retirement. I need to stop - it's depressing.

7) I'm not really sure how to stop.

8) Today, the receptionist at my chiropractor's office told me I smelled good. She actually bent over toward me, took a big whiff and said "Ahhh..." Too bad she's not a man.

9) If she was a man, she'd probably be too young for me, anyway.

10) I am cougar, hear me roar.

11) A girlfriend of mine invited me out a few weeks ago to hang with a guy friend of hers, who wanted to meet me. She said, "Dress cute!" Since I am pretty good at obeying orders (okay, I'm really not, but let's pretend I am), I dressed "cute." Her guy friend dressed cute as well... that is, if you consider a crocheted rainbow hat, a gold lamé top, a black kilt, rainbow tights, wool socks, and combat boots "cute."

12) I have a feeling you don't.

13) I didn't either.

14) P.S. I don't think he's heterosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that).

15) In my friend's defense, she said she didn't tell me to dress cute for him - she said, "I told you to dress cute because you just never know who you might meet while you're out!" Well, I met a bi-sexual guy, a drugged up old couple, and a bunch of lesbians. I think that night I wasted my cute clothes... that is, unless that lesbian that took my number actually calls.

16) As it's been more than three days - I don't think she's calling.

17) That part was a joke - a lesbian didn't ask for my number. (And I'm insulted that she didn't! --- again I kid.)

18) Good Friday really was good - I got off early, ran some errands, and practiced in the rain. Okay, so maybe the rain part wasn't good. Or was it?

19) I have a steak in the refrigerator for tonight. Good Friday was good - but tonight will be better!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Thursday's Thoughts

I have a lot of stuff in my head (that's what he said). I need to get it all on paper (that's what he said). Here it goes:

1) I love it when Gwenyth Paltrow guest stars on Glee. I know years ago there were lots of Gwenyth haters out there - but personally, I never understood the hate. She's cool, any way you cut it.

2) Self magazine is in love with Gwenyth Paltrow today. They posted her favorite pancake recipe, and how to get abs that look like hers. I dunno... something tells me that if I eat pancakes, it won't matter how many ab exercises I do - my stomach still won't resemble hers.

3) There's an ad on the radio that drives me freakin' crazy. I hate it. It's an ad against software piracy (which, IMHO, is not the worst crime out there). The voiceover is a male's voice, and he says that it really bugs him that his company is pirating software, so he reported it to... I dunno, some agency. Then the number is given.

Every time I hear it, I groan and mumble. It's like, Dude, seriously, you have nothing better to do than police your employer? And he sounds so proud of himself for reporting this "crime" - like he should get some sort of reward. I just want to punch him out every time I hear that ad.

4) Speaking of ads, there's one that used to be on Hulu all the time, and I absolutely hated it. It was an ad for a credit card or a bank or something financial. It showed this couple getting married, and the guy whispers, "I can't wait to get up to our room." Next shot shows the couple in a lux hotel room, sitting on the bed, opening up cards. Turns out it wasn't sex he couldn't wait for - it was the damn money they got as wedding gifts. Then the couple starts looking at their bank balance as it goes higher and higher and higher...

That ad just sets my teeth on edge every time I see it. It focuses on the greed of the couple, and I HATE IT.

5) I finally broke down and started seeing a chiropractor. My neck has been giving me trouble since last year - well, all I can say is, if your neck is giving you trouble, don't wait a year to get seen. By ignoring it, I caused some permanent damage. However, the doc says he'll be able to help correct some of it, so I'm hoping for the best.

6) As the above points out, ignorance isn't always bliss. And so, I suppose I shouldn't ignore the fact that for two days in a row I have seen puddles of water coming out from under my house. I am sure a pipe is leaking... yay. More money I don't have.

7) When I got my raise, I treated myself to the Oracles of Shadows and Light deck by Lucy Cavendish. It was on backorder, and it finally arrived yesterday. Can I just say that I heart this deck? I can't wait to start using it.

8) I'm a big fan of Christian Slater, so imagine my surprise when Hulu told me that he's in a new show titled "Breaking In." I watched the first episode and I'm sold. I love how one of his repeated lines is "I'll allow it." I think from now on when someone at work tells me I have to do something, instead of bitching I'll just say, "I'll allow it."

9) I've been watching Celebrity Apprentice, and Gary Busey has been cracking me the hell up. Things I've learned because of him: It doesn't take much to set Meatloaf off and a good name for a penis is "Big Wednesday."

10) Why oh why are the women celebrities on Celebrity Apprentice always so lame? Half of the women that were picked were people I had never even heard of before. Plus, they're always so weak and stupid. UGH. As much as I despise Star Jones, I'm actually pulling for her on this show because she's one of the few women who actually has a brain and knows how to use it.

11) Also, what is it with country stars on Apprentice? I hate country music, so I'm never familiar with the country "stars" that are on - so it's difficult for me to pull for them. However, they sure do excel.

Plus, they seem to have a knack for keeping their cool and being able to calm the rest of the crazies down.

12) I received the first disc of "My Life on the D-List Season 3" from Netflix. I watched an episode last night while I was doing my neck exercises. There was a scene in it in which Kathy discusses a bit about her divorce, and missing the good times, but also acknowledging that her perception of their relationship was obviously a misperception.

I could so relate.

It was then that I realized that as famous as Kathy Griffin is, and other celebs like Jennifer Aniston, when it comes to heartbreak, we are all the same in that it breaks us down in the same manner. It affects our self-worth and our confidence, famous or not.