Thursday, September 27, 2007

Where are the tears?

All day yesterday, I held back tears. I'm surprised I was so successful in holding back, because I was only working on four hours of sleep. It's amazing what one can do when one really tries.

I counted the hours until I could go home - not so much to get some rest, but mostly so I could cry. After I clocked out, I couldn't get to my car fast enough, for I knew I could cry in my safely and loudly in the car. However, on the drive home the tears didn't come. My eyes did get watery a few times, but no real tears. So, then I counted on having time to cry at home.

I wasn't able to, though, because shortly after I walked through the door, Todd came downstairs and started getting dinner together for the both of us. He had gone to the store and bought us both salads, because he wanted to have dinner with me. When I asked why, he said "because I enjoy having dinner with you."

Is that true or not? Maybe. Maybe not. One thing I've learned, though, and should have come to expect is that every time we call it off (well, that makes it sound like it happens a lot - basically, we've been on two breaks and there were about three other times I tried to make a break of it during our 9 years together, but he convinced me that he loved me, so I stayed) he is extra attentive.

Yesterday, he called me about three times at work to make sure I was okay. Then he bought us dinner. Instead of forcing me to take a cat over to my new place (he's dying to get rid of the cats), he seemed to realize that I really needed some sleep, so instead of bugging me, he encouraged me to go to bed early.

But back to my tale of tears...Lucky for me, he had an Asperger's meeting that night, so when he left, I thought "Finally. Time to cry." But those tears I had been holding back all day and all during dinner did not come.

I went to bed around 7 p.m., thinking that once I was curled up in the safety of my bed, I would be able to let loose.

I was not able to.

Where are the tears? Why won't they come?

If I could just have one, good, solid cry, I could begin the arduous task of moving on.

I am 32 Flavors and then some

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say...
Ani DeFranco

When I listened to this song on the way home tonight, the one line that really hit me was "I did everything that I could do."

Sometimes I think about the accusations thrown at me by Todd, and I think "Well, yes, perhaps I could have done that..." And maybe I could have...but the truth is, I did everything that I physically and emotionally could do, based on my perception of safety and comfortability within the relationship.

"You could have contributed more money to the household."

"You could have had more sex with me."

"You could have been..."


But not really. Because doing so would have drained me in a way I am not sure I could recover from. What Todd doesn't understand, and never did (and I don't know if that's due to the way Asperger's has his mind wired, or due to miscommunication on my part, or some sort of dysfunctional melding of the two) is that I can't - won't? - give fully when I'm not secure.

And in this relationship, I wasn't ever fully secure.

There were things I was secure about: I knew he loved me. I knew we were best friends. I knew he would support me in my endeavors. The insecurity laid in the threads that unraveled around us; the threads that were snarled and torn at because he always wanted "a better fit."

So while I may occasionally beat myself up about the things I wasn't and the things I didn't do, I am also fully aware that emotionally, I had reached my limit of what I could do.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Out of Time

I had maybe four hours of sleep last night...if that. I need to get out the door to go to work, and yet, I find I can't move.

Last night marks the end of my "romantic" relationship with Todd. It was brought on because I found two pieces of evidence that he is having relationships with two other women. According to him, he hasn't (yet) met them in real life, but it was obvious from what I found, plans are in the making.

Both girls appear to be part of an online BDSM/alternative lifestyle community. One calls him "her daddy," and has a whole blog dedicated to him. The other signs herself off as "Gracie, XXXXX's Nevada Girl" (the x's represent his online name, which I will not share with the world).

After my last entry, we sort of settled into some sort of "wait and see" holding pattern, both of us believing that things would get better when I moved out. After all, the times we've lived apart have been the strongest times in our relationship. However, admittedly I never really could forget that I'm not really what he wants, and so because of that, I saw evidence of that almost every day.

Last night was the last straw for me. I can't deny it anymore, nor pretend that at some point in time, he will come back to me wholeheartedly. It just isn't going to happen.

While I didn't handle the initial confrontation well (I never seem to), after an hour or so of going back and forth, I think I finally got my real point across: I can't be in any kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship with him. He doesn't get that it just hurts me too deeply.

He kept telling me he loved me and he doesn't want me out of his life, and all the other things I've heard for over 8 years. The thing isn't enough. I want to know that I'm the person - the right person - for the man I'm with. It doesn't strengthen my already low self esteem to be with someone who has a roving eye and is always looking for that "better fit."

He said I don't understand him. And he's probably right, in the sense that I don't understand him completely. I do, however, believe that I understand him better than most everyone else in his life. I've learned a lot about living and loving someone with Aspberger's Syndrome, and I feel I've adapted as well as I can to the idiosyncrasies that present them self. But it's a cold, hard fact that I am unable to understand how someone can love me and supposedly want to be in a relationship with me, while pursuing other women.

I suppose that's what is called "polyamory," and this girl is as monogamous as they come.

At some point, he said "What do you want from me," to which I eventually responded that I want what he just can't give: total love and acceptance, without feeling that he's settling. He can't, though. I mean, he accepts a lot of my personality flaws and deals with them well. What he doesn't accept is that I'm not, as apparently these other two are, "his little girl," or "his slave."

When asked what I expect, I told him that there will be no more physical contact. No more kissing, no more sex (to which he said "Well, it's not like there's a whole lot of that going on"), no hand holding, no sitting in his other words, no type of physical contact that indicates we still have a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. He doesn't understand - I can't do it. He is angry that I can't do it. Or maybe frustrated. But whatever feeling it is, he is unhappy that I am unable to be in a "friends with benefits" type of relationship.

I think the reason he is so upset is that, in his mind, he feels I am abandoning him. I told him I'm not; he is my best friend. No matter what his faults (and of course, that's all I ever write about here; I never write about the good times), he absolutely is my best friend. He's the only person that seems to "get" me. He is my cheerleader. He is my rock. And he'll still be all that... just not my boyfriend.

Oh, I'm not under any delusions that the transition period will be easy. I know from our past try at it that it won't be. The difference is 7 years have passed since then. I am no longer under the impression that, once apart, he will all of a sudden have that "Aha" moment where he realizes I am the one for him. That moment is not going to come, because I am not that person for him.

And so, with all of that, it is imperative that I get out of here as soon as possible. The electricity and water should have been turned on yesterday in my new home. I was not moving fast because of the "no electricity" deal. And then he was notified that he would have to go out of town, so since I was going to take care of the dogs, it seemed weird to move in for two nights and move right back in here to take care of the dogs.

But maybe after last night, it's not weird. It's time.

Now if I could just find a guy with a truck...

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Can't Breathe

It really shouldn't have come as such a big surprise. One would think that by now, after 9 years, I would realize that I'm not the person Hunky wants. However, I didn't really realize it until today.

What made today so special? Such a turning point?

I came across one of his online personals. I had actually found it a few days ago, but being new to the site, I hadn't really clicked around to explore more fully. I saw his picture, read his opening line, and sexual preferences. I thought "Yeah, that's my hunky," and moved on.

This morning, I went to the site to see if there were more people on it from the area I live in. Hunky's was the third profile from the top, so after reading the first two, I clicked on his again, mostly because his is a familiar face and seeing it made me smile.

What I read next took the smile completely off my face.

Without going into too much detail, he basically wrote he was single (kind of true, but not really), looking for a Long Term Relationship with someone who, after 8-10 bullet points, definitely was not me. Someone who was submissive. Someone who was ready to move in with him and be his slave and/or submissive. Someone who...blah, blah, blah, definitely wasn't me.

So if he wants someone who is so totally not me, why has he been with me for 9 years? Is it laziness? Is it that I'm just a warm body to keep him company until the real thing comes along?

What is it?

Oh, I know he tells me he loves me. He can say it until the cows come home, however after reading what he really wants in a mate/girlfriend/lover, it's so the completely opposite of me that I don't know what the hell he's doing with me, let alone believe that he could actually love me.

No wonder we have problems.

I have definitely been a fool in love before, but I don't know if I've ever been this much of a fool. Nine years worth of fool.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I can see now that moving out is the best thing for me. And probably for him, too. That way he can stop wasting his time with me and move on.

And maybe I can move on as well.