Wednesday, February 23, 2011

You got new glasses ?

You know, I had to do it. Yes. So here is the response I sent to Monkey Man:

Mad Magazine’s Top Ten Snappy Answers To A Stupid Question

10) They're not glasses. They're contacts. Really big contacts.

9) No, it’s just an illusion.

8) Everything seems new after a few beers.

7) They’re not even glasses. They’re beer goggles.

6) Who said it was me in the picture?

5) When your drill sergeant told you to never assume, you really took that to heart.

4) It’s been said that there are no dumb questions, but obviously that’s a lie.

3) Where’s the beef?

2) Maybe if you put your glasses on, you’d know.

And Mad Magazine's number one top ten response is:

1) Duh.


The Numbered Musings of a Mad Woman

I’ve got a lot going on in my head. It’s screaming: Let me out. So here it is. Out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Okay, maybe not ugly as much as boring. Prepare yourself.

1) I’ve been bugging Mr. Kim about my stuff. He finally contacted me back, which was good. He also asked me a personal question, prefacing it with the statement that he had no right to ask, but he was curious.

I pondered on this for a while. I wanted to respond, I really did. More out of habit than anything else - I mean, there was a time when I told him nearly everything about me. But... yeah. That time has passed.

It took some restraint, but I ignored the question. And after re-reading my reply several times before sending, I don't think he'll notice that I didn't address the question he asked.

In fact, he probably has even forgotten he asked.

2) A friend of mine told me that she thought I wasn't over Mr. Kim. I am fairly certain I am over him, as in, I don't love him anymore. And I don't want to know the details of his life. Or miss him. Well, miss HIM, the guy.

I think she has a point, though, in an off-base kind of way. I am not over losing him. I am over him. Just not the loss.

I miss having someone in my life who actually cared about what happened to me. I miss having someone calling me every day to check on me. I miss having someone to laugh with and cry with and just sit with.

I miss being cherished (even if it was an illusion). I miss planning the future with someone. I miss having a history with someone. I miss having someone to count on.

I miss being important to someone. I miss thinking about someone regularly. I miss... well, a lot of the little things that goes into the day-to-day of a relationship. Calling when something reminded me of him. Sharing secrets with him. Having private jokes.

Mr. Kim - no, I don't miss him. And I am over him. But boy, do I miss having someone special in my life.

I feel that loss every single day that goes by without someone new in it.

3) Thanks to Facebook, I was prompted to friend someone I dated for a while. His main picture is of him and a girl, so Facebook, thanks for the thought, but no, I don't think I'll be friending him any time soon.

He and she looked very happy together. And, I wasn't even jealous. I was actually happy for him - not enough to friend him, though.

Some things should just stay in the past.

4) I woke up at 2 a.m. last night and never got back to sleep. At three, I toyed with the idea of getting up and being productive. But, I was still hopeful that I could get two more hours of sleep.

I didn't.

And Coast to Coast A.M. wasn't a friend to me, either. They had some sort of uninteresting topic on, so I listened to NPR's late night jazz instead. It was nice, but I think a soothing voice might have gotten me to sleep.

Or maybe I'm just dreaming.

I'm not exactly sure why I couldn't go back to sleep. I am not particularly stressed. But I do have a lot of stuff running through my head - like when will Mr. Kim get back to me about my stuff? (well, he finally did) Why can't I get the song "Grenade" out of my head? When will I be able to get my roof fixed?

You know, that kind of stuff.

Hopefully I burned some calories while tossing and turning for three hours. Because otherwise, I probably should have just followed my first thought and gotten out of bed and three a.m. and been productive.

5) Some jerkwad heretofore known as Monkey Man blocked me on Facebook months and months ago. So, what does he do? He finds me on a dating website, and sends me a message. And a stupid message at that:

"You got new glasses?"

I thought of a thousand smart alecky replies I could send. Instead, I blocked him.

Ha! Take that, Monkey Man! No more stupid questions from you. At least on that site.

6) Speaking of dating websites, I guess my activity checking my mail on that site brought me to the top of search requests. I got another email, and was excited - that is, until I read it.

For one, it was from a 23-year-old guy who wrote in text speak. Two, even though the guy's stats said he was single, his write-up said he was married with a kid.

And thirdly, why would I want to go to Cold Springs and spend time with a total stranger?

I blocked him, too. Take that, you random booty call hunter!

7) So far, 2011 sucks the big red one. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was 2009.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I think...

I think I'm in a better place than I was when I blogged last. I wish I could say for sure that I'm in a better place emotionally - but I can't. The only reason I think I'm in a better place is because I'm doing what I do best: ignoring what is going on inside of me and going through the motions of everyday life.

My dad is out of the hospital, but I'm not entirely sure what's going on. But, I honestly don't think he knows, either, so I'm not going to give him any crap about keeping me informed. The truth is that while he went in for one thing (pulmonary embolism), all of a sudden other things went wrong.

Are these other things linked to the meds? Are they linked to the embolism? Were they going to happen anyway? Who knows? Well, God probably knows, but let me tell you, he's not letting me in on the secret.

Work is... work. I'm still not getting ahead, but at least I'm not drowning in failure any more, either. I know. I exaggerate. But honestly as much as I was against it, being moved to another channel was a good thing.

Love life - well, I have none. I am getting no bites on the dating sites, and nothing is happening in real life, either. I go out. I meet people at events, but the guys don't seem to take a shine to me. Well wait. They do seem to enjoy talking to me, but almost always leave with the blonde.

I'm thinking of dying my hair blonde just to see if my life changes.

Speaking of changes, I've been attempting to listen to a CD I got at Goodwill: the Law of Attraction (Part 1). I guess Part 2 was already sold.

This audiobook is so annoying! I'm on disc 2, and basically it's still a big advertisement of what will happen once I put the Law of Attraction into use. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME. Just get to the meat already, okay?

I also bought the book The Secret at Goodwill, and it is the same thing. I'm at about the 4th chapter, and still the authors haven't said anything about how it works - just that it works. It's like the book is one big infomercial. No juice... just seeds.

And you might be wondering why I'm buying all this fluffy bunny crap - well, it's because I believe there is something to be said about attitude and gratitude and positive thinking.

I don't believe I'm a pessimist. I am more of a realist. Still... that doesn't bring me great joy. I don't get optimists. In fact, quite frankly they bug me. But... it dawned on me that they are doing something right. It seems like it is the optimists that have good lives. Happy lives. That get the things they want.

I'm not saying they don't have their own struggles... but their struggles don't hamper their movement.

Do I think that after listening to The Law of Attraction (Part 1) and reading The Secret that my life will be instantaneously good? Nah. I do, however, think it will help to adjust my mindset.

As a longtime listener to Coast to Coast AM, I often hear about "vibrations" and our vibrational levels, etc. Before nodding off to sleep the other night, a guest was talking about vibrations. And then, guess what? On Part 1 of the Law of Attraction, they (meaning Abraham - his or her many selves) talked about vibrations. About how being negative sends out negative vibrations, making it difficult to attract higher vibrations.

I don't know - it all sounds kind of odd and touchy feely, but it is finally starting to make some sense to me.

I started keeping a little journal with my Attitude of Gratitude postings. I am keeping it to five things a day. Surely I can find five things a day to be thankful for. Right?

So. I think I'm doing better. Or maybe I'm just ignoring the trouble that I am in. And I probably am doing that. However, at the same time, I'm actively working on making things better. Small steps... but maybe eventually they'll get me somewhere other than where I've been.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

House of Cards

I don't even really know where to begin. You might say, "Begin at the beginning." One small problem: I'm not sure where the beginning is.

Is the beginning when I broke up with Mr. Kim? Or is it when I moved here to Reno? Is the beginning when my mom died? Or is the beginning when I finally got work after being laid off for a year? Or could it be that the beginning is here. Now. My dad's hospitalization and his deteriorating health.

I'm not sure any more. They're all beginnings in a way, and yet they're all endings, too. Like the Death card in Tarot, these things are definitely endings, but they're also beginnings. The death of one thing brings forth new life. New journeys. New hardships.

I am on the brink...of something. Despair? Anguish? Depression? All of the above?

All I know is that I've felt anxious for days. And also depressed. I've felt angry and sad and unloved and unwanted. I've felt worthless and ugly and fat and alone. So, I guess it's no surprise that seeing a wedding picture of Kim and Mr. Kim set me over the edge.

And so I did. I saw two wedding pictures and whatever bits of glue had been holding me together over the last month just broke apart. I'm not quite sure why, as I'm fairly certain I am over him and have been for a while. I don't love him any more.

Wait. Do I?

I'm pretty sure I don't. And yet...

Here I am, feeling devastated after seeing a picture of them. The funny thing is, in both pictures she looked deliriously happy. He looked... well, not deliriously happy. Then again, because of Asperger's, he is never really deliriously happy.

I sometimes still wonder what clinched the deal. I remember one of the last times we spoke, and he spoke of her. I hadn't even brought her up. But he did. They had had a fight, and in telling me about his frustration he almost yelled the words, "I am not going to marry that girl!" Those words caught me by surprise.

He explained that she was pressuring him into marriage, and he wasn't going to marry her. Yet, he said he could not come up with a good reason to not get engaged to her. And to keep her happy, he would follow through on that.

He said he wasn't excited sexually by her, no matter how hard she tried to seduce him. But...she took care of him. And did it well. And without complaint.


I can attempt to comfort myself by stating it's a dysfunctional relationship. And I can do that from now until kingdom come, but guess what? I saw her picture. She's gorgeous. And then I think why isn't he sexually attracted to her? Perhaps he is now. I don't know - and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, but it's the type of dysfunction that works. She's dependent on making him happy. She likes knowing that she makes his life easier. She likes being his mommy. And I can make in fun of that all I want, but guess what? I'm still the loser.

I'm the one that he was with for eleven years. I'm the one that never got to walk down the aisle. And even though his sexual desire for me continued to be strong well into his relationship with her, she's still prettier than me. And younger than me. And she's the one wearing his ring.

Yet - this isn't what this is about. This is just what pushed me to the edge and left me feeling like I'm dangling on by a thread.

The truth is, the last few months have sucked. I almost feel like it's 2009 all over again. My dad is sick. My job sucks. I can't get ahead. I'm feeling my age. I don't have anyone in my life who loves me.

I've been feeling like I am barely even living. I'm scared of the future. I honestly don't even think I have one.

I'm actually at the point where I am tired of living. I don't see the point of it any more. I have no major significance to anyone. Or anything.

I've felt people pulling away from me - people who are important to me. I'm sure it's because I smell like death. Or even though I try to mask it, people can still see me for what I am: a big, fat failure. And really, who wants to hang with failure?

When this all hit me like a ton of bricks today, I left my cubical, went to my car, and sat there in the quiet. As the sun streamed through the car windows, I found it difficult to breathe and to concentrate.

I held my head as thoughts raced through my head. Unhealthy thoughts. Healthy thoughts. Moments of blankness.

One thought kept coming through loudly: Move. Get out of Reno. Go live with your dad.

But... a thousand buts. I love Reno. I have a support system here - and I honestly haven't had one since I left the Army. I have friends and social groups. I have a house that I love - absolutely love. The economy sucks in California. I have no friends there. No support system. No spiritual outlets.


And then there are the questions. How will I sell my home (say it with me now) "in this economy"? How will I find a job? How do I get rid of my stuff? How do I date when I'm back at home? Or do I?


Lots of questions.

The worst part of it is, I have no answers. But perhaps the real tragedy is that I think I'm running out of hope.