Sunday, February 25, 2007

Picture Perfect

Internet "dating" is not at all how it used to be. Way back when, it was an exchange of emails which led to meeting, which may have led to something else. And if not, at least it was fun.

It's not fun anymore.

With .jpegs and .gifs and webcams, I find that most guys just seem to want a bunch of pictures first, before they are willing to commit to even a cup of coffee. And those pictures are in addition to the pictures already posted in the profile. Take this lovely exchange that took place between Pete and me:

1st email exchange = fun
P: Anyone who makes jokes about eating a squirel insted of chocolate is ok with me! How come your pic' is so blurry? Worried about the animal rights groups tracking you down?

Me: Ack! Is my picture blurry? Or have you just had too much red wine? I'm picking the latter...

Now spill!

2nd email exchange = cute
P: Sheish, I hope you like a man with purple teeth from Pinot Noir? LOL NO! That pic is foggy without wine, maybe it's just low pixel's. It's ok though, just answer a few questions to clear up the blurry parts. #1 Why are you sticking your tongue out in the photo? #2 Is that a tatoo? #3 Don't you think thee eyepatch is a little bit much?

(Please note that I didn't write him off, even though at age 50, he still doesn't know how to spell "sheesh," "eye patch," and "tattoo," and he uses "LOL" which is an overused acronym that I loathe, despise and detest. If people are really laughing out loud at the stupid things they write, we as a people, are in serious need of the humor police.)

While my response was lengthy and rather witty (I won't bore you with the transcript here), I did realize that perhaps he had a point...maybe I should put a few more pictures with my profile. So, I added more, and approved them within 24 hours and posted them.

However, that still wasn't enough for Pete. He continued to badger me in every email that he wanted more pictures, while he dodged my questions and refused to tell me anything about himself, other than his name.

Major red flag.

I decided that he just wasn't worth the effort. After the fourth email came, demanding yet more pictures, I just stopped responding. It became obvious that chicken-necked Pete (believe me, he looked his 50 years of age, if not more) was more shallow than his wrinkled old prune face gave him the right to be.

However, there aren't too many men who can escape the lure of the Delicious Pamelicious (except for Carlos Faura, damn his resolve!), so I found yet another email waiting for me this morning:

P: Hellooooooo? Did your wild life catch up to you? Where did you go?

Me: While my wild life did indeed catch up with me, I also tired quickly of your constant demands for more photos, without any substance in your emails (i.e. information about yourself). The focus on photos highlighted a shallowness I am unwilling to deal with.

Hopefully your request for photos will not turn off the next woman you contact.

And then I did what any self respecting female of a certain age would do, I blocked his wrinkly ass from sending me any more email.

Take that, Prune Face!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

My Crazy Co-Worker

I can't believe I've neglected to post about this story. Turns out, I had a crazy co-worker. We're just all glad she didn't bring the gun to work.

Speed Dating

As you may have already gathered, I went to a speed dating event this week. To tell the truth, I have no idea why I went. I'm really not all that interested in dating. I guess I thought it would be fun.

I was almost right.

The speed dating event was hosted by It was part of their worldwide speed dating marathon, during which they tried to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for most dates in one night (or something like that). Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on whether you're a glass half empty or glass half full kind of gal), there were only eight men in my age group there.

Eight men.

And they had trouble getting enough women for those eight men. There was a waiting list for men, while they were offering women $5 off to sign up. Sometimes it's good to be a girl.

I've never participated in speed dating before. By the time it got popular, I was already with hunky, so I didn't participate in any local events. I always thought it sounded like fun, though, so when the opportunity arose, I decided to go (even though my heart wasn't in it).

It was held at the Sapphire Lounge, a trendy cocktail bar inside Harrah's. After signing in, I sat with Kelly, a very nice woman, and we chatted until the hostess grabbed us and pointed us in the general direction of our tables. Turned out I was 8 and she was 7, so we were right next to each other.

The first person to sit with me was Richard (author of the "you're not a total fat pig" email). Before the event officially started, he began chatting me up. Somehow the topic of Coast to Coast AM came up (and I'm not clear how it came up, but there you have it: speed dating at its finest) and we were off and running. "Ring, ring, ring." That was the sound of the event officially starting, and so then Richard and I had another six minutes together.

After talking about working out, more Coast to Coast, and who knows what else, it was time for the next guy. His name was Kevin. After chatting for awhile (he's a ballistics expert with the Sheriff's office), it turned out that we had actually exchanged some emails before the event. I just didn't know what he looked like, because he didn't attach photos to his profile because of his high profile job.

While I can't say he's a match, I did enjoy talking to him. Turned out I had heard him on the radio a few times, too. Apparently he's been on TV to talk ballistics as well, but since I don't watch the late night news, I hadn't seen him on TV. Just as we were getting into the meat of our conversation, the hostess rang the bell.

The next guy confidently strode on over. His name was Steve, and if this guy was 45 or younger (the age group I was in), I am a green legged spider. He had to be at least 50. He was dressed nicely, and I had to give him points for trying.

Our conversation was...well, just was. I discovered he is retired, and asked him about that. I can't even remember what it was that he did when he worked. I do remember that he had on a purple shirt and a nice tie, and that it looked as if he had dentures. Next!

Gonzalo came over to my table, shook my hand and introduced himself. I commented that I had never heard the name "Gonzalo" before, and I liked it. He was a Hispanic fellow with kids. I was actually kind of interested in him until I found out about the kids part. As soon as he said he had three kids, the light went out. But, he was nice and we talked about his dog, Tessa, and how difficult it was to raise her from puppy hood to adulthood, especially since it had seemed as if she was abused before he got her.

Ring, ring, ring! John was next, and I thought "Gee, he looks like a pastor." And guess what? I was right. He was a pastor. He was the only guy that went down an unwritten list of questions. Had I ever been married? Did I smoke? What church did I attend? Blah, blah, blah...I almost felt like telling him I was a Christian Witch, to see what he would do with that, but I took a bit of pity on him, because he just seemed so vulnerable and earnest.

Ring, ring, ring! Time to take a break.

Kelly and I started talking about our dates, and three more ladies came over to join in on the conversation. When the last two approached, drinks in hand, they rolled their eyes and started laughing. Yeah, we got it. No winners.

I have to say, all the women there were good looking. I may not be a total fat pig, but you know, I'm not bad for a woman of a certain age. Most of the women there were blondes. And busty. And feisty. And the guys? I hate to say it, but as a group, they were disappointing.

After chatting it up with the women (the men shied away from us, and ran to get drinks and didn't talk to one another), the hostess rang the bell and told us it was time to get started.

The first guy to sit with me after the break was Xavier, a chiropractor. Finally! He was dressed nicely, was fairly handsome, and was actually interesting. So of course it turned out that he wasn't interested in me.

After the next bell ringing, a guy shyly walked over. His name was Greg, and he was also a doctor. Not a medical doctor, a Ph.D. kind of doctor, which is just fine with me, because I really wasn't interested in getting anywhere near his stethoscope.

If Greg had a cowboy hat on, he'd look a bit like the actor who plays Push, a recurring character on Medium. That's probably why I was a bit drawn to him. That, and the fact that he just seemed like a nice guy. Kind of funny, in a low key way. We talked about the differences between Scientific American and Popular Science (okay, so I'm not really well-versed in the differences between the two, but Greg was and I was able to fake it until the bell rung). Ring, ring, ring. Our six minutes were up, so we shook hands, and the next guy arrived.

The last guy was Steve, and I honestly couldn't tell anyone much about him after the event. He was Hispanic...I think. He mumbled a lot. He rambled and didn't make any sense. He was a fish out of water, and I sort of felt sorry for him. Not sorry enough to mark him down on my dance card, though.

And that was it. The night was over. Before leaving, the hostess told us that we all would get a one month Gold membership at, and our matches would be there within 24 hours.

Yipee. I could hardly wait.

Turned out half the guys marked me down as a "yes." I guess that's not bad odds. I wonder if the busty, blonde women made out any better...

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Bad News

I've had a crush on Carlos Faura for at least four imagine my distress when I heard Danita Cohen tease him yesterday about his newfound healthy habits by saying "That's not the Carlos I know...sounds like the girlfriend's influence."

I had hoped she was kidding, but noooooooo...this morning she mentioned Carlos' girlfriend again. And I swear he blushed.

I went from crushing to crushed in less than 24 hours.

Guess hunky's stuck with me now.

Brand Spankin' New

After using the same computer for almost 9 years, I decided it was time for a new one. Actually, it was time for a new one last year, but I kept putting it off until I had more money.

I never had more money.

So, the other day when hunky and I were at Best Buy, we took a look at the computers (as we always do). Only, on this particular day, Best Buy had quite a few great package deals. I was attracted the the eMachine packages, which came with a monitor and printer. I knew the prices were good, however I didn't want a computer with Vista. So I did what any other red blooded American woman would do: I shopped some more.

I looked everywhere I could think of, and I found no deal that matched the deal at Best Buy. Even the few XP machines I found were inferior (smaller amounts of memory, no packages available, etc.). When I realized there wasn't a better deal to be had anywhere, I dragged hunky back out of the house, and we went back to Best Buy.

Within minutes, I was the proud owner of a the mid-sized eMachines package. Well, a modified package...I did opt to upgrade to a flat paneled monitor, which I am now officially in love with.

The whole package was only $ $70 for the upgrade.

I'm not wowed by Vista, though. In fact, there are things about it I kind of hate, like the fact it's a memory hog. If I had known that, I would've gone with the more expensive package, which came with a dual core processor. But I didn't know it, and hunky swears if I buy it, he'll add more RAM to the system for me.

I have to say, though, that despite Vista, I do like my new computer. A lot. I can watch things like YouTube videos and listen to the Adam Corolla show...things I wasn't able to do with my other computer. Plus, this monitor is so easy on my eyes!

I don't often spend big bucks on myself, because I don't trust that I'll make the right decision. This time, though, I'm pretty sure I did.

And it feels almost as good as a spanking.