Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I want a dog. Or rather, wanted. Well… I still want one. Kind of. But now my home is overrun with animals – okay cats – and so it probably isn’t the best time to get a dog.

The lady who wanted to rehome her Scottie fell off my radar. She always had some excuse as to why I couldn’t meet him – and so I’d give up, and then she’d contact me. “Still interested?” “Hells yeah!” And we’d start the process all over again and it would always end the same way: I would not get to meet the dog.

While I was waiting for her to squeeze me into her busy schedule, I decided to visit other dogs. There are plenty of them available. I visited adoption sites and the Humane Society. I sat with dogs, talked to dogs, and played with dogs. Still… I didn’t find one who seemed to like me as much as Buster did.

And in case you didn’t catch it, Buster is a cat – my new cat.

Apparently I’m not as patient as I like to think I am, because after about a month, I decided to give in and adopt Buster instead of holding out for a dog. According to my other two cats, that was a mistake. They might be right… but I won’t admit it to them.

I still yearn for a dog, so I’m going to have to go back to my original plan which was this: get myself a boyfriend who has a dog. Or two. Think that will work?

Bad Hair Day

Like most women, my confidence level is equal to how good I feel about my hair. If my hair is frizzy, or my grey streak wide, I find that I don’t want people to notice me. On the other hand, when my hair feels soft and the grey streak is gone, watch out world: I want you to notice me!

A few years ago, my stylist introduced me to a wonderful hair product: Kerastase. It’s from France, and falls under L’Oreal’s umbrella of products. She raved about it and said that I’d never even know my hair was colored – that this product would make my hair feel soft to the touch.

Now excuse me for being skeptical, but I can’t count the amount of times a stylist has gushed about this product or that, only to find that the product did not live up to the hype. So, I told her I while I trusted her, I was going to hold judgment on the product until I saw the effects myself.

After coloring my hair, she used the then new Kerastase products to wash and condition my hair. Then she used some styling Kerastase products on my hair before blow drying – and I had to admit that afterwards, my hair felt soft. But then again, it always does right after getting it done. She said, “Just wait – your hair will still feel this great three days from now.”

She was right. Not only did my hair feel great on the third day, but it felt good on the 4th and 5th day as well. I was sold – but my wallet wasn’t. Kerastase is expensive, and so I was going to have to make do with my Nature’s Organics products (which did not have the same effect!).

Then I was laid off, and my stylist gave me a full size Kerastase shampoo and conditioner for Christmas. “It’s all I can do – but at least you’ll have great hair for your interviews!” I thanked her profusely.

The next time I visited, she gave me some full-size tester styling products, too. I was set.

In the years that have passed, I’ve been lucky to find the products at a deep discount on eBay. So, my hair has remained soft, shiny and supple ever since. And because I’m sold on Kerastase, I am hesitant to try other products.

The other day, Eco-Emi sent me hair product samples from Neuma. Organic. Sustainable. Smelled great. I thought, “Why not?” So, I used the products on my hair the next day. Washed my hair with the shampoo. Conditioned with the conditioner. Used the styling products afterwards.

After blow drying and flat ironing my hair, I noticed that it didn’t feel good. Well.. it didn’t feel bad, either… but it definitely didn’t feel as good as it did after using Kerastase. And now it’s two days later, and my hair feels dry and almost straw-like. And even though the average passerby has no idea what my hair feels like – and the feel hasn’t affected the look – I find my confidence is waning. Strangers might not know that my hair is dry, but I do… and it bugs me.

Lesson learned: Stick with what works. When it comes to something as important as my hair, experimentation isn’t always a good thing.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Beautiful, Wonderful, Magical Fall

I love the weather this time of year – and even more so this year, as we’re having “unusually high temps.” But, the “high” isn’t horrible – the highest was yesterday at 99 degrees. But 99 in the fall is much different than 99 in the summer, so it’s been really, REALLY pleasant.

The one part of fall that gets me down is the loss of light. Last night, it was dark by 7:30. As the light lessons, I feel the coming of winter.

The shortness of the winter days really gets to me. I find myself going to bed early, and feeling imprisoned by the darkness. I rarely venture out after the sun has gone down – and tear around like a mad woman on weekends to get all my errands done so I can be home before dark in the winter.

However, it’s not winter yet, and I have to admit I am loving fall.

I spend every spare moment I have outside, reading or just soaking up the rays. Sometimes I sit outside on my break, close my eyes, and delight in the sun.

A friend from work and I sometimes break together, but we’ve been having trouble coordinating our outdoor breaks – she yearns for the shade, I the sun. Sometimes we get lucky, and find a table with one chair in the shade (for her) and one in the sun (for me). But, that doesn’t happen until the afternoon – so my morning break has turned into my own, basking in the sun and dreading the winter.

It’s going to be an early winter – snow is already predicted for next week. Yes, alright, in the 8,000 elevation areas… but still, that’s close, and reminds me that winter will be here much too soon.

I’m not ready for it.

This summer went by really fast, and September blew past me like a race car driver. Where did it go? Was it really even here?

I hope October doesn’t go by as quickly.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Life is just so daily

I have a Mary Engelbreit mug with the above saying plastered on it. It's probably my favorite mug in the whole world.

Life REALLY is "just so daily."

It goes on and on, and things happen. The things pile up. Some good. Some bad. And time just keeps going and going and going... like the Energizer Bunny.

I guess I could look to see when the last time was I posted here, but I don't want to. I promised I would get better, and I didn't. I don't think I want a date looking me in the face, taunting me on how long it's been.

Here I am. Today. Sunday.

I don't even know where to begin. Work, perhaps. It sucks - I mean, really sucks. Not sucks in the way that things aren't simply going my way. Sucks in the big way - the way that has led me into my boss' office more times than I'd care to admit.

Me. The person who's almost never been in trouble ever before in my 40+ years of working - and here it's almost a daily thing.

Okay, I exaggerate. But give me that, okay? I'm not used to being in trouble.

Life... goes on. I get up, I put my clothes on, and I stumble out to the car to get to work. I've got a few friends, and we hang out. Sometimes. This year I haven't much felt like hanging out, but I do it sometimes just because I know I need it.

I've contemplated suicide several times this year. Not in the sense that I was going to do it - but in the sense that it seems inevitable that I will do it someday. Not tomorrow, not next month, not next year.

Some day.

This isn't a "gee I need some attention" statement. I don't. Believe me - I really don't. It's simply a realization that at the brink of 50, it became glaringly apparent why people get married and have kids. Build a family. Without that... what purpose does life have? Really? At 30 you can say you're still discovering life and reaching goals - and you are. At 40, you can say you're focusing on bettering yourself - and you are. At 50? At 60?... the circle of family and friends gets smaller and smaller. People die off. People move. Get sick. And you suddenly find yourself alone with no one that really cares if you live or die - and you realize it really doesn't matter if you do live - or die.

I'm not there yet. But, unless something changes, I imagine I will be there some day.

I'm not depressed - but I think I am stuck. I've been in survival mode for a long time, and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm sure there is one. I'm just not close enough to see it yet.

But enough about that... I've been fostering kittens since about July. I'm on my third set. This current pair (brother and sister) are super timid. They pretty much live behind my toilet. I've never been around kittens with that much fear at such a young age. They are only about 5 weeks old.

I'm at my wit's end on how to help them.

I sat in the bathroom earlier today, and stayed there for about an hour. I read. I twirled a toy and made a clicking sound with my tongue (most of the cats I've been around have responded to that sound). Finally, the female came out... not close, but she came out. She had some food, and went back.

She's braver than her brother, for sure.

I've got them for two weeks before I turn them back in. I hope they become more trustworthy... I'm certainly not the cat whisperer, but I'd like to think I can help.

The truth is, maybe I can't.

I've been pondering what other type of volunteer work I can do. It's time to give back... it really is. Animals are my logical first choice... but what's my second? Food bank... maybe. Elderly people... maybe. Just not sure where to go and how to start.

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

My dad visited a couple of times this summer. It was nice to have him here - and the house felt so empty after he left. It's just us left now. And if he dies, then it's just me... and I guess that's where some of my introspection comes from.

I have no family outside of him. What happens after he dies? To whom would I matter?

Depressing talk. Let's move to something else.

Marietta Vineyards has a wine that I like a lot - they simply call it Old Vine Red Lot ##. Right now they're on Lot 55. I discovered it at Lot 47. The taste doesn't change much from lot to lot. I still like it as much now as I did when I first discovered it.

But it's been a while since I had some - and so when I had a glass of Lot 55 the other day, and had a bunch of vivid, strange dreams that night, I didn't connect them to the wine. I simply thought, "Gee, you had a lot of strange dreams last night.

I had another glass (or two) the next night. Low and behold, I had a bunch more vividly strange dreams. Could it be the wine? Or was it simply the stress from work?

To test it out, I had a different wine for the next few nights (that is, if I had wine at all). No vivid dreams.

I went out and got another bottle of Lot 55. I had a glass, and promptly felt tired. I cleaned up, and went to bed.

I was overcome with a string of dreams - so strangely colorful and striking. When I woke up, I realized it WAS the wine.

How very strange. I have never had that with wine ever before... but this particular brand of wine hits me in the most peculiar way.

I'm thinking of saving my next bottle for Samhain (Halloween) and sharing it with my coven. It'll be interesting to see what kinds of dreams happen that night, when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest.

I think what I'm really hoping for is that one night my mom will come to me in a dream and tell me life is going to get better.

I really hope it will. Because of current events are any indication (shoot up at IHOP, deaths at the Air Races, and the Street Vibrations shooting - all within three weeks time), it doesn't seem like it is. I'd really like to know it will get better.

Wouldn't you?

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Truth about Nothing

Yesterday while eating breakfast at a local IHOP, several Nevadan military members were shot, along with at least one civilian. So far four people are dead.

The shooter? Dead as well – due to a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

As you can imagine, that was big news here in Nevada. It happened in Carson City, also known as our state capital. When I first heard the news, I was horrified.

Can you imagine meeting with your friends and/or family at the local IHOP, with nothing on your mind other than ordering those glorious potato pancakes, or a stack of decadent chocolate chip pancakes, and then all of a sudden realizing that a gun was going off and people were dropping left and right?

Some news reporters are calling it a “massacre.” By definition a massacre is “the act or an instance of killing a large number of humans indiscriminately and cruelly.” So, are four people dead a “large number”? I guess that’s subjective. If you spend all your time watching shoot ‘em ups on TV, then I guess four people seems like a small amount. But, if you lead a fairly insulated life, then yes, four people is a large amount.

As for me, I’m still wrapping my head around this. It’s horrifying to think that one minute you could be doing something so very innocent (like ordering breakfast), and the next minute be lying on the floor from a gunshot wound.

Some locals are stating that it’s incidents like this that should incite citizens to buy guns and get their CCWs. But I’m not convinced. One patron interviewed stated he was carrying a pistol – but that was no match against the altered AK-47 the shooter had. In the very little time he had to assess the situation, he decided against brandishing his pistol.

I can’t say I blame him. He would have had to figure out – very quickly – if he could take the guy out, if he had a clear shot, if he could grab the weapon before the shooter noticed… etc., etc., etc. And that’s a heck of a lot of information to figure out in a high pressure situation like that – heck, this guy wasn’t trained to make those sorts of decisions.

So… yes, carrying concealed might have its advantages in some situations, but not when faced with a lunatic unloading an AK-47 in a roomful of people.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life and the end of life. This incident just put all my thoughts into overdrive. We like to think we have a tenacious grip on life, when in all actuality that’s more illusion than truth.

Life can be taken from us at any time – in any way. But instead of worrying about that, I suppose we should focus on the time we have left and make the most of that.

I’m trying. Perhaps I’m not succeeding, but I am most definitely trying.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Friday Five

1) I did not exist at work this week. I arrived on Monday to discover that I had been obliterated from the system during weekend computer maintenance and upgrades. As I couldn't even log on to my computer, I went home for the rest of the day.

2) If you thought an unexpected day off was fun, you'd be wrong. Apria was supposed to come by to pick up my dad's oxygen tanks on Monday, so since I was home from work, he left to go to the Bay Area while I stayed at home waiting for Apria. Several calls and hours later, they still hadn't come. At 9 p.m. I was told "Guess what? We're not coming after all!"

I'm glad my dad decided to go home - otherwise he never would have gotten there!

3) The system doesn't like me. This really shouldn't be news - especially as Mercury is in Retrograde. By Wednesday, everyone else's access had been restored (four of us had been affected), but mine. I could not even get to the bathroom without an escort. It was a pain in the ass, to say the least.

4) Good wine helps with coping skills. For my birthday, a friend gave me two bottles of wine. One I obliterated months ago, but another - one I had been wanting to try for a long time - was saved for "a special occasion." I decided that instead of waiting for a special occasion, I could use it to drown my sorrows, so I opened that baby up on Wednesday (or Tuesday?).

I'm glad I finally opened it - it was one of the best wines I've tried this year!

5) It's Friday, and all is good with the world. Well, okay, I don't know if everything is good with the world, but my building access was finally restored this afternoon, I seem to have most of my program permissions back, and the week is almost over. Mercury in Retrograde doesn't end until next Friday, though... but I'm hoping that this was the worst of it for me.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Here and Now

There's a book called The Power of Now. Back when I was taking The Artist's Way classes, the instructor told us that book should be on our reading lists. I found a copy at a thrift store or a yard sale and bought it - but never did read it.

I know I have trouble living "in the now." My head is always somewhere else... in the past, in the future, and seldom right in the now. I find that now that I REALIZE I'm getting older, my head is frequently in the past.

This was never more true than yesterday when I went to the Borders after work to see if I could snag a deal before they closed. When I first heard the news that Borders was closing, I instantly felt sad. I have so many good memories involving Borders - memories that came flooding back after I heard the news.

When I first arrived in Virginia, I met with an old Army friend and she took me to my first Borders. She knew I loved books, and said, "You will not believe this place. It's huge and it has a cafe inside!" She was right - I almost couldn't believe it. I was overwhelmed.

After looking around at books, we settled into the cafe with a sweet and a fancy coffee and caught up on each other's lives.

When I moved to California, there wasn't a Borders there yet... but soon there was, and I couldn't have been happier. I spent many a moment there, listening to music samples, browsing the books, drinking coffee... I had many first dates at Borders. And when I moved to Reno and founded a women's group, we had our very first meeting at Borders.

It was the one place my ex and I both enjoyed and could share - we didn't have too many of the same tastes when it came to shopping - but books were our second love, so we went there a lot after a meal out.

The news that Borders was closing wasn't a complete surprise - I had heard several stories on NPR in the last year about how badly they were doing. Yet, hearing the news that they were definitely closing hit me hard.

When I received the email on Friday stating their liquidation sale started on Friday, I decided I would go there right after work to have one last visit with Borders. The cafe was closed, and the parking lot was full. The line to the cashier was long and windy, but moving quickly.

I went to my favorite section, but was disappointed to discover that particular genre was only 10% off. I thought, "Gee, I can get at least a 20% discount at Amazon..." and then it really hit me why Borders was closing - and I don't think it's just because of eReaders. I know I'm not alone in preferring real books to eReaders.

No... it was that mindset - that "I can get this cheaper on Amazon" knowledge - that helped kill Borders.

Admittedly, I am pretty poor so in actuality if I buy a book, I buy it from a thrift store or a yard sale. But... there are times I can't find what I want, and so I'll buy a used copy off a vendor at Amazon - and sometimes a new copy is even cheaper than what a vendor is selling it for.

Then I realized I was part of the reason why Borders was killed - I, along with thousands and thousands of people - did not support Borders. Sure, I went there - I'd look at books, but then I'd write down the titles and check the prices on Amazon. Or I'd wait until I went to California to get a copy at Half Price Books - or wait until I could find a copy at a thrift store (I always knew popular releases would soon end up there).

After I was overcome with guilt, I saw a book on the shelf that I couldn't get from Amazon. In fact, Amazon had once placed the item in my Gold Box - I was about to get the book for 37% off. So I placed it in my cart and ordered it. Only, Amazon couldn't fill the order. First they said they ran out, and more were coming. Then, finally about a month ago, they said, "Guess what? We can't get any more copies of this book," and canceled my order.

And there it was - at Borders. So I got it. It was the least I could do - in fact, the very least.

When I left the store, I was teary-eyed. I found myself holding back sobs. Another one of my favorite stores closing - another sign of the times.

Yes, I'm getting older. The old and familiar dies. I am surrounded by the new and unfamiliar.

I don't like it - this getting old business really is not for sissies.

And for you Borders, good-bye. I'm sorry I failed you.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Back when I was Fab

Years and years ago I joined a group called The Postcard Fairies. This group spanned the globe, with fairies from all over sending "glitta" (a.k.a. postcards) to people in the group.

That's right: good old fashioned snail mail. Remember that?

At some point, the group's message board was moved to MSN, and we had this glorious chat feature. Many hours were spent chatting with one another, adding yet another layer to these global friendships. Someone suggested that we all meet, and from that idea The Postcard Fairy Frolic was born.

This three-day event took place in Minneapolis. The weekend was packed with events - from a pajama party to art workshops to a trip to the Mall of America to lunch on a boat. A bunch of us who only knew each other from snail mail and the occasional chat room conversation turned into real life friends.

Fast forward about ten years. A PCF Reunion group was added to Facebook, but was relatively quiet until this weekend. All of a sudden, there was a burst of activity - and someone posted pictures from the Frolic. The only reason I even knew this was because my friend Em tagged me in a few pics.

I clicked on the links - and wow, did those pictures bring back memories. Not just memories of the fun days of snail mail and new friends - but I saw how skinny and young I was. My hair was curly - my arms were lean and muscled.

I must have been with Mr. Kim then - but I can't remember if we were on our infamous break or not at the time of the Frolic.

What I wouldn't do to be able to go back in time to that weekend - to have that fun all over again in my slim, muscled body. To go back to my life in California and break it off for good with Mr. Kim - oh I wish I had not wasted my prime on him.

I think seeing those pictures made me more than nostalgic - seeing them made me a little sad. I don't think I knew how fabulous I was back then... I sure wish I did.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Blue Valentine

Last night, I found myself without any major plans, so I decided to enjoy my living room (the room I love the best). I rented "Blue Valentine," lit a bunch of candles, and settled in on the couch to watch the movie.

I found the movie difficult to watch. Using juxtaposition, the movie showed the beginnings and the end of a relationship. The cute meet. The giddiness and elation that comes when two souls start to gel. The smiles that appear automatically upon nearing that person.

The movie also portrayed - almost startling so - the stark contrast of love gone bad - or perhaps just stale. Of one partner who grew and one who did not. Of the day-to-day things that can either draw two people closer together or drive them further apart.Of the painful silences and simple conversations that dovetail into arguments.

Michelle Williams' character uttered a phrase I myself said many times, "I just can't do this anymore." I can remember saying this more times than I'd care to admit to over the course of my last three years or so with Mr. Kim. I remember that feeling - the deep knowing that the relationship was over. And yet allowing myself to believe it wasn't and holding on to his words as if they were my only lifeboat.

I had trouble shaking the movie off after it was over. I went to bed, but couldn't sleep. The movie reawakened the pain of holding on to something that just isn't working - and the pain that comes from letting go.

I've been told that I'm not over Mr. Kim yet. But I know that's simply not true - if he were to show up on my doorstep today to beg me to take him back, I know I would not. What I do have trouble getting over, though - or maybe simply not forgiving myself for - is for not giving up sooner. Of wasting time.

Well... as the saying goes, "It's no use crying over spilled milk." So cry I didn't - but almost 24 hours later I find I'm still having trouble shaking off that movie.

It was too real for comfort.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

What happens in Hawthorne...

...is posted to the Internet!

The Hot Stix are back in town after our long weekend celebrating Armed Forces Day in Hawthorne. Here's what you missed:

1) Monster Truck Ride: Two Airborne Ranger Monster Trucks were there for the parade. After the parade, they set up in an abandoned lot and charged $5 per ride. Only two Hot Stix were up for the challenge: me and the other single redhead. It was a blast! Who knew Monster Trucks were fun?

2) Speaking of the other single redhead, she has a new name: Bloody Mary. Bet you can't guess what she was drinking all weekend.

3) Speaking of drinking, I didn't let loose. I brought four bottles of wine, and came back with three. I guess there were other things to take up my time, like...

4) The Parade: We practice for over three months to a song we LOVED - So What by Pink. We had new moves. A new costume. And a new sound system. We rocked, the sound system sucked. No one in the audience could hear the music. This was for several reasons: The sound system was mounted on a motorcycle (which most of us didn't want to happen, but...), and a firetruck was behind us in the parade, blasting its siren.

5) Karaoke: The VFW hosts karaoke night every year on Armed Forces Day in Hawthorne. Last year I begged the girls to go with - no one would. This year I talked three into going, and we had a blast. A Marine came over to me and said, "You chose the funnest songs tonight - will you sing one with me?" I had to do my part and oblige the active duty servicemember... we sang "Single Ladies..." and tore it UP in da house, fashizzle.

6) FYI: I also do a mean Snoop Doggy Dog, you know, just in case you were wondering.

7) Old Fuddy Duddies apparently don't appreciate the Snoop.

8) High heels cause pregnancy. Well, at least, we think they do. Everywhere we went, we found young girls in FMPs toting babies around. Who knew that Hush Puppies were the new birth control?

9) Hawthorne shuts down at 11 p.m. - even on a Saturday. The only other single gal and I attempted to have ourselves a single girl adventure after Karaoke. We hit the El Capitan first... and there were only four other people listening to the band, who kind of sucked and were arguing about what to play next. Then we went to Barley's, apparently the best place to party. But when we got there (before 11 p.m.), the band said, "This is our last song," and proceeded to close their set with one of the dumbest rock songs ever. The three remaining audience members-slash-motorcycle gang members couldn't even get that excited about it - and that was after they'd been drinking beer all day long.

Last stop was Joe's Tavern, the next best place to party. The cops beat us there - three cop cars, six cops, and the place was cleared out. So at 11:05 p.m., we found ourselves back in the room, donning our pajamas.

10) Small towns do have spirit. Yes, I make fun of Hawthorne, and you would, too, if you went there. However, there is no denying that the town LOVES its veterans. Visitors come from all over the country to celebrate Armed Forces Day there. The welcoming given to veterans and active service members brings a tear to the eye and a warmth to the heart.

I love going there every year just for that fact alone. Oh, and the karaoke ain't bad, either.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Case of the Missing Silverware

When I first moved into my place, I had no silverware. So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do: I stole a set from my ex.

Okay, I didn’t exactly “steal” it. After all, I bought it in the first place. But, he didn’t have any silverware of his own, so I took one of each: a knife, a fork, and a spoon. I figured it would get me by until I found a set I liked.

I normally get all my wares from the thrift store, but something about buying used silverware squigged me out, so I started scouting my local department stores for a set I liked. I wanted something decorative and hefty. I finally found what exactly what I wanted at Target (one of my absolute favorite department stores). The price was right, so it was mine within minutes.

While I loved the set, I soon discovered that the knives were no match for steak, so I went back to Target and bought a pair of inexpensive steak knives. Even though the price was low, the knives were great. They cut through even the toughest of steak (and you can pretty much bet, if I’m cooking it, it’ll be tough!).

About three months after I purchased the steak knives, one of my salad forks went missing. I use my salad forks more than my regular forks, because I like the size of them better. But, it’s not like I take them out of the house – no matter how much I like ‘em. I began my search in the usual places, starting with the kitchen drawers.

I looked behind the silverware tray, in the silverware tray (just in case I put it in the spoon section or the knife section). Nope. Looked in the towel drawer. Nope. Then, on a hunch, I looked in the refrigerator – could I have stuck it in there by a mistake? Not there.

I looked in the dishwasher (which I don’t use to wash dishes – I use it as a drying rack). Not there, either. I pulled out the refrigerator, not there. I took a flashlight and looked under the stove. Not there either.

Where did the fork disappear to? I figured it would turn up, but two years later it is still missing.

Apparently the fork got lonely, because late last week one of my steak knives went missing as well. I repeated the process I had employed while looking for the missing fork. The search turned up empty – the steak knife seems to have disappeared into thin air.

I honestly do not understand how two pieces of cutlery could just disappear. It’s not as if I take these pieces out of the house, nor do I have a lot of people over for meals. In fact, I haven’t had anyone over for dinner since the last time my dad was in town (approximately a year ago for those of you wondering).

I use the silverware, I drop it into the sink, wash it, dry it and put it away. Where in that process is a gap for it to go missing? How does it disappear from meal time to wash time?

Do I need to get an X-ray to see if I inadvertently swallowed them?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Monday Musings

1) Today is my dad's birthday. I wasn't able to give him much for his birthday - but I did manage to get him a few things, which he liked. And of course cake. A birthday just isn't complete without cake.

2) Speaking of cake, a guy I dated for approx. five months who came to my birthday party in November just kind of disappeared around Christmas. This month he announced "officially" via Facebook that he's in a relationship.

He is a good guy, and I am happy for him - but now I know why he disappeared! Mystery solved (although I kind of figured it out already. Just call me Watson!).

3) I am counting the days until Saturday - I haven't been able to sleep in in weeks, and I am SO looking forward to going to bed on Friday night, and turning off all the alarms.... and then waking up naturally the next day.

4) I can't wait to start doing some yard work. If the weather has cooperated, my schedule hasn't. I want to spend some quality time out there... especially now that I have some new garden decorations to put out (thanks, Dad!).

5) I want to have a party. Who knows? If I ever get my yard cleaned up, maybe I can have a garden party.

6) I've been thinking about my own mortality a lot lately. About aging. And life cycles. About serious things, like health and dying and retirement. I need to stop - it's depressing.

7) I'm not really sure how to stop.

8) Today, the receptionist at my chiropractor's office told me I smelled good. She actually bent over toward me, took a big whiff and said "Ahhh..." Too bad she's not a man.

9) If she was a man, she'd probably be too young for me, anyway.

10) I am cougar, hear me roar.

11) A girlfriend of mine invited me out a few weeks ago to hang with a guy friend of hers, who wanted to meet me. She said, "Dress cute!" Since I am pretty good at obeying orders (okay, I'm really not, but let's pretend I am), I dressed "cute." Her guy friend dressed cute as well... that is, if you consider a crocheted rainbow hat, a gold lamé top, a black kilt, rainbow tights, wool socks, and combat boots "cute."

12) I have a feeling you don't.

13) I didn't either.

14) P.S. I don't think he's heterosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that).

15) In my friend's defense, she said she didn't tell me to dress cute for him - she said, "I told you to dress cute because you just never know who you might meet while you're out!" Well, I met a bi-sexual guy, a drugged up old couple, and a bunch of lesbians. I think that night I wasted my cute clothes... that is, unless that lesbian that took my number actually calls.

16) As it's been more than three days - I don't think she's calling.

17) That part was a joke - a lesbian didn't ask for my number. (And I'm insulted that she didn't! --- again I kid.)

18) Good Friday really was good - I got off early, ran some errands, and practiced in the rain. Okay, so maybe the rain part wasn't good. Or was it?

19) I have a steak in the refrigerator for tonight. Good Friday was good - but tonight will be better!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Thursday's Thoughts

I have a lot of stuff in my head (that's what he said). I need to get it all on paper (that's what he said). Here it goes:

1) I love it when Gwenyth Paltrow guest stars on Glee. I know years ago there were lots of Gwenyth haters out there - but personally, I never understood the hate. She's cool, any way you cut it.

2) Self magazine is in love with Gwenyth Paltrow today. They posted her favorite pancake recipe, and how to get abs that look like hers. I dunno... something tells me that if I eat pancakes, it won't matter how many ab exercises I do - my stomach still won't resemble hers.

3) There's an ad on the radio that drives me freakin' crazy. I hate it. It's an ad against software piracy (which, IMHO, is not the worst crime out there). The voiceover is a male's voice, and he says that it really bugs him that his company is pirating software, so he reported it to... I dunno, some agency. Then the number is given.

Every time I hear it, I groan and mumble. It's like, Dude, seriously, you have nothing better to do than police your employer? And he sounds so proud of himself for reporting this "crime" - like he should get some sort of reward. I just want to punch him out every time I hear that ad.

4) Speaking of ads, there's one that used to be on Hulu all the time, and I absolutely hated it. It was an ad for a credit card or a bank or something financial. It showed this couple getting married, and the guy whispers, "I can't wait to get up to our room." Next shot shows the couple in a lux hotel room, sitting on the bed, opening up cards. Turns out it wasn't sex he couldn't wait for - it was the damn money they got as wedding gifts. Then the couple starts looking at their bank balance as it goes higher and higher and higher...

That ad just sets my teeth on edge every time I see it. It focuses on the greed of the couple, and I HATE IT.

5) I finally broke down and started seeing a chiropractor. My neck has been giving me trouble since last year - well, all I can say is, if your neck is giving you trouble, don't wait a year to get seen. By ignoring it, I caused some permanent damage. However, the doc says he'll be able to help correct some of it, so I'm hoping for the best.

6) As the above points out, ignorance isn't always bliss. And so, I suppose I shouldn't ignore the fact that for two days in a row I have seen puddles of water coming out from under my house. I am sure a pipe is leaking... yay. More money I don't have.

7) When I got my raise, I treated myself to the Oracles of Shadows and Light deck by Lucy Cavendish. It was on backorder, and it finally arrived yesterday. Can I just say that I heart this deck? I can't wait to start using it.

8) I'm a big fan of Christian Slater, so imagine my surprise when Hulu told me that he's in a new show titled "Breaking In." I watched the first episode and I'm sold. I love how one of his repeated lines is "I'll allow it." I think from now on when someone at work tells me I have to do something, instead of bitching I'll just say, "I'll allow it."

9) I've been watching Celebrity Apprentice, and Gary Busey has been cracking me the hell up. Things I've learned because of him: It doesn't take much to set Meatloaf off and a good name for a penis is "Big Wednesday."

10) Why oh why are the women celebrities on Celebrity Apprentice always so lame? Half of the women that were picked were people I had never even heard of before. Plus, they're always so weak and stupid. UGH. As much as I despise Star Jones, I'm actually pulling for her on this show because she's one of the few women who actually has a brain and knows how to use it.

11) Also, what is it with country stars on Apprentice? I hate country music, so I'm never familiar with the country "stars" that are on - so it's difficult for me to pull for them. However, they sure do excel.

Plus, they seem to have a knack for keeping their cool and being able to calm the rest of the crazies down.

12) I received the first disc of "My Life on the D-List Season 3" from Netflix. I watched an episode last night while I was doing my neck exercises. There was a scene in it in which Kathy discusses a bit about her divorce, and missing the good times, but also acknowledging that her perception of their relationship was obviously a misperception.

I could so relate.

It was then that I realized that as famous as Kathy Griffin is, and other celebs like Jennifer Aniston, when it comes to heartbreak, we are all the same in that it breaks us down in the same manner. It affects our self-worth and our confidence, famous or not.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Things About Me You Couldn't Care Less About

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

Wouldn't you like to know?

2. Where was your profile picture taken?

Well, it's not a photo - it's an illustration by Mary Engelbreit, one of my favorite artists.

3. Name someone who made you laugh today?
No one yet. It's still early.

4. How late did you stay up last night and why?

Hmmm... until about 1 a.m. Had a bad case of reflux - thanks to the Leprechaun Sandwich. I shouldn't have gotten it - I did see that it had some sort of onion puree on it. Blergh.

5. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

Oh yes. Most definitely.

6. Ever been kissed under fireworks?

Hmmm... maybe. I dunno - I can't remember that far back. I think I was in Germany when it happened. Or didn't happen. But again... yeah. Drawing a blank.

If I was, apparently it wasn't memorable.

7. Do you believe ex's can be friends?

Do I believe exes can be friends. Yes. Do I believe I can be friends with an ex? No. After all, we're exes for a reason.

8. When was the last time you cried really hard?

Last night. And not because I had reflux.

9. Was yesterday better than today?
No. Or yes. It's too early to tell.

10. Can you live a day without TV?

Yes. I have gone days without a TV. Even years.

I admit that I like it, though. The TV that is. Not going without. Although going without isn't bad, either.

While I have a TV now, I only just hooked up the converter box. I get a whopping 6 channels in the English language. One classic movie station. ABC. NBC. Two local stations that aren't PBS. And a sports channel.

So... even with the converter box hooked up, I don't watch much TV. Although I do watch shows on Hulu. Less commercials.

11. Are you upset about anything?

Right now this minute? Kind of. But I'm ignoring it for the moment, as I have things to do. I can always think about it later.

12. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

Worth what? And is this question about relationships in general, or romantic relationships?

I am not one of those "It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" kind of people. Sappy crap.

Was my last romantic relationship worth all the heartache and the turmoil? Nope.

Are relationships with my friends worth the effort? Yes.

So see, this is one of those "depends" kind of questions - it's not specific enough to garner a real deep response.

13. Night out or night in?

Depends. I'm almost always up for a karaoke night out. I hate that I don't have any friends right now that love it as much as I do.

And there are definitely times I would much rather stay in than go out - it's all a matter of mood. And weather!

14. What items could you not go without during the day?

Coffee (low acid instant: Kava). Toilet paper. Straight iron.

15. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

My dad.

16. How do you feel about your life right now?

Helpless. Lost. Unsatisfied. Scared.

17. Do you hate anyone?

Hate? No. Strongly dislike? Definitely.

18. If we were to look in your email inbox, what would we find?

Wouldn't you like to know?

19. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Yes. I've been called "Little Miss Perfect..." that counts, right?

20. What song is stuck in your head?

For absolutely days it was that stupid Grenade song - but then I woke up yesterday and it was Madonna's "Ray of Light." I have no idea how that snuck into my head - maybe it was on the radio while I was sleeping. But now I can't get it out of my head.

Let me tell you, I'd much rather have that in my head than Grenade.

21. Name something you have to do tomorrow:

Make cheesy garlic bread for our Ostara get-together.

22. Do you think too much or too little?

Way too much.

23. Do you smile a lot?

Not really.

24. What cuss word do you use the most?

Hmmm... I use "frick" a lot in place of the more obvious choice. I don't know if "crap" is considered a cuss word these days, but that's the word I use the most.

I hate hearing women say "shit." So, I use "crap." Not sure if it's really all that much better... but it's my cuss word of choice.

As an aside, I knew someone who used to say "Fuck me" a lot when something went wrong. I thought it was kind of funny - a way to make in fun of the situation.

I started using it - but now try very hard not to. I've been paying attention to this Law of Attraction stuff, and now wonder if by saying it, I'm just inviting the Universe to fuck me even harder. And seriously? I don't need that right now. I'm getting reamed enough as it is by the Universe. And not in a good way.

25. What were you doing at midnight last night?

You know, this is an odd question - because most of the time I'd be sleeping. But last night, yeah... I was reading a book by Cecelia Ahern.

I loved the first book of hers that I read, "P.S. I Love You." It was a touching story about a woman who was widowed at a young age. But this book I'm reading now, ye gads, I can't even remember the title - it's just so cliche. I am not even sure why I'm continuing to read it - maybe I just like to torture myself.

Saturday, March 05, 2011


You know, one of the things I absolutely loathe and detest is that periodically I have a dream featuring Mr. Kim. These dreams haunt me for days, usually because they point out obvious things I already knew, and don't know why I need to berate myself with these things while sleeping.

Early this morning I had another dream featuring Mr. Kim, but this one was different. For the first time, I actually came out the victor in the dream.

I can't remember a lot about the details of how Mr. Kim and I got together in the dream. I know my dad was in my dream, and so was my mom. But at some point, I was at Mr. Kim's place (you know, the home I used to share with him), and Kim was long gone. I don't mean they were broken up - she was on a trip or out of state or something.

I was there...to pick up my stuff? To...? I have no idea. What I do remember quite clearly is that he made sexual advances towards me. He started telling me how much he missed me - how I turned him on, etc. And I asked him one question - while I can't remember exactly what I asked, I know it had to do with the his status. I maybe asked him if he was leaving Kim or if he was not in love with her...

The point is, he didn't answer the question. He looked sheepish and shamefaced at the same time. He started to respond, and then stopped himself. Then he pressed himself against me again, and started seducing me with words.

This time, I recognized it for what it was: just pure sexual attraction. I realized in my dream that he was not going to leave her, that whatever this thing we had was just chemistry. I told him to stop, I wasn't interested any more.

I also asked him if we were to have sex, how would he know that Kim wouldn't find out? I reminded him that he cheated on me with her - and that if I was her, I would be keeping a watchful eye on every little thing he did, especially if I was away. And then I said, "You know, if I had the money she has, I would even probably hire a private detective to keep an eye out."

He left the room, and I went to straighten the bed (we were still fully clothed). I found a money clip under the pillow with some small bills in it. I left the clip, and took the money.

Then I thought that while he might not remember the amount of money that was there, he'd certainly know that the money clip had something - I started to return a twenty dollar bill... and then stopped myself. I took it. I realized it was small payment for all the crap he put me through, and for all the stuff of mine that Kim gave away.

I grabbed up what few belongings of mine was still there and left.

While I knew the money didn't even make a dent in the value of the stuff Kim took from me, I knew he wouldn't be able to confide to Kim that I took the money without explaining why I was there in the first place. I smirked and felt powerful as I walked away.

I really like that I had such a different and powerful dream for a change. I truly believe this signifies something important - hopefully a shift in my journey.

Moving forward once again. Yay!

Playing Catch

There was a time when I blogged every single day. Yes. Every day. Now... well... yeah.

This week there was a lot on my mind. I could have shared with the group - but I didn't. I'll try to recap it all here - because it does me no good sitting around in my head, festering like a sore.

Once again, I seem to have caught the attention of a grandpa. Technically, he is not a grandpa, in that he doesn't have grandkids. Yet. But age-wise, he falls into the grandpa category.

He is interested in me, but - oh yes there is always a "but" now isn't there - there are so many things wrong with this that I am not confident I can express it all here. Basically, he reminds me a lot of a guy I used to date about a year ago - and not necessarily in a good way. He blurts out things that are totally inappropriate for the conversation at hand. He does not want to get married again. And he is almost a full 15 years older than me.

The other day, I was at Goodwill and ran into a woman I've met at several meetups. We got to talking, and she mentioned Grandpa. I was curious what she thought about him, so without giving any info about how he'd been pursuing me, I probed her for her thoughts on him. She said, "There is something wrong with him. He gives me the creeps." And while I admit he doesn't give me the creeps, there is definitely something off about the guy.

Why oh why can't I ever attract the attention of someone my age who is relatively sane?

I think I did see someone who was sane the other day at Goodwill. While I was talking to my new acquaintance, I noticed a very good looking older guy who looked my way periodically. I think I've seen him at Goodwill before. He has striking blue eyes. Or gray. Or something - whatever. They're striking, no matter what color they are.

When I got into line to pay, he was in front of me. He had been chatting to the woman in front of him. When he sensed me by him, he turned around and stared at me. I finally met his eyes and he said, "Hey! Cool necklace you've got on." I thanked him, and told him I got it at Goodwill.

I looked at his left hand - no ring. Then I looked at purchases, which were kind of interesting. Two books - I like readers. And a statue of a, well, not a Buddha. Some sort of Asian God or Goddess, though. He was so happy with it, and I was thinking, "Dammit. Why didn't I see that?"

Just when I was feeling kind of happy and lighthearted that he had seemed to take an interest in me, a woman joined him and they left together.

She was too old to be his daughter. Dang it.

So, my social life is very dry right now - and my work life is, well, full of suckage.

There is a 21-year-old on my team who likes to boss me around. She has no refined people skills. I take that into account when dealing with her, but I got totally fed up with her this week. She was passive aggressive with me about a several work issues - and that last instance just pushed me over the edge. Basically, she stated that she didn't know why I didn't pick up two requests in the label queue, as she knew I wasn't working on anything.

For one, I had been instructed specifically NOT to pick them up. Secondly, her cube mate also was not doing anything. Nothing. And in fact, because he had nothing to do, he spent large amounts of time playing basketball with his friends. On company time.

But... I guess I am the easy target.

There are times I think, "That's it! I'm going to apply for every job I see, whether I am qualified or not!" And then there are other times that I think I'm lucky to have a job that's fairly secure - no matter how sucky it is. We're currently in no danger of being laid off, which is saying a lot in this climate.

Last but not least, there is my dad and his health issue(s). I wanted to go visit last weekend, but we had a huge snowstorm and I was not confident that I'd make it through the Pass. This weekend there is also snow predicted - so I'm not sure I'll be able to visit, either. And I really want to - we'll see. I still might be able to.

I would feel better if I could visit and see him in person, and run some of his errands.

And apropos of nothing, yesterday I was hella hungry, and today I have no appetite. I didn't eat lunch, and totally don't feel deprived or hungry or cranky.

Wouldn't it be great if that happened to me every day?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

You got new glasses ?

You know, I had to do it. Yes. So here is the response I sent to Monkey Man:

Mad Magazine’s Top Ten Snappy Answers To A Stupid Question

10) They're not glasses. They're contacts. Really big contacts.

9) No, it’s just an illusion.

8) Everything seems new after a few beers.

7) They’re not even glasses. They’re beer goggles.

6) Who said it was me in the picture?

5) When your drill sergeant told you to never assume, you really took that to heart.

4) It’s been said that there are no dumb questions, but obviously that’s a lie.

3) Where’s the beef?

2) Maybe if you put your glasses on, you’d know.

And Mad Magazine's number one top ten response is:

1) Duh.


The Numbered Musings of a Mad Woman

I’ve got a lot going on in my head. It’s screaming: Let me out. So here it is. Out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Okay, maybe not ugly as much as boring. Prepare yourself.

1) I’ve been bugging Mr. Kim about my stuff. He finally contacted me back, which was good. He also asked me a personal question, prefacing it with the statement that he had no right to ask, but he was curious.

I pondered on this for a while. I wanted to respond, I really did. More out of habit than anything else - I mean, there was a time when I told him nearly everything about me. But... yeah. That time has passed.

It took some restraint, but I ignored the question. And after re-reading my reply several times before sending, I don't think he'll notice that I didn't address the question he asked.

In fact, he probably has even forgotten he asked.

2) A friend of mine told me that she thought I wasn't over Mr. Kim. I am fairly certain I am over him, as in, I don't love him anymore. And I don't want to know the details of his life. Or miss him. Well, miss HIM, the guy.

I think she has a point, though, in an off-base kind of way. I am not over losing him. I am over him. Just not the loss.

I miss having someone in my life who actually cared about what happened to me. I miss having someone calling me every day to check on me. I miss having someone to laugh with and cry with and just sit with.

I miss being cherished (even if it was an illusion). I miss planning the future with someone. I miss having a history with someone. I miss having someone to count on.

I miss being important to someone. I miss thinking about someone regularly. I miss... well, a lot of the little things that goes into the day-to-day of a relationship. Calling when something reminded me of him. Sharing secrets with him. Having private jokes.

Mr. Kim - no, I don't miss him. And I am over him. But boy, do I miss having someone special in my life.

I feel that loss every single day that goes by without someone new in it.

3) Thanks to Facebook, I was prompted to friend someone I dated for a while. His main picture is of him and a girl, so Facebook, thanks for the thought, but no, I don't think I'll be friending him any time soon.

He and she looked very happy together. And, I wasn't even jealous. I was actually happy for him - not enough to friend him, though.

Some things should just stay in the past.

4) I woke up at 2 a.m. last night and never got back to sleep. At three, I toyed with the idea of getting up and being productive. But, I was still hopeful that I could get two more hours of sleep.

I didn't.

And Coast to Coast A.M. wasn't a friend to me, either. They had some sort of uninteresting topic on, so I listened to NPR's late night jazz instead. It was nice, but I think a soothing voice might have gotten me to sleep.

Or maybe I'm just dreaming.

I'm not exactly sure why I couldn't go back to sleep. I am not particularly stressed. But I do have a lot of stuff running through my head - like when will Mr. Kim get back to me about my stuff? (well, he finally did) Why can't I get the song "Grenade" out of my head? When will I be able to get my roof fixed?

You know, that kind of stuff.

Hopefully I burned some calories while tossing and turning for three hours. Because otherwise, I probably should have just followed my first thought and gotten out of bed and three a.m. and been productive.

5) Some jerkwad heretofore known as Monkey Man blocked me on Facebook months and months ago. So, what does he do? He finds me on a dating website, and sends me a message. And a stupid message at that:

"You got new glasses?"

I thought of a thousand smart alecky replies I could send. Instead, I blocked him.

Ha! Take that, Monkey Man! No more stupid questions from you. At least on that site.

6) Speaking of dating websites, I guess my activity checking my mail on that site brought me to the top of search requests. I got another email, and was excited - that is, until I read it.

For one, it was from a 23-year-old guy who wrote in text speak. Two, even though the guy's stats said he was single, his write-up said he was married with a kid.

And thirdly, why would I want to go to Cold Springs and spend time with a total stranger?

I blocked him, too. Take that, you random booty call hunter!

7) So far, 2011 sucks the big red one. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was 2009.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I think...

I think I'm in a better place than I was when I blogged last. I wish I could say for sure that I'm in a better place emotionally - but I can't. The only reason I think I'm in a better place is because I'm doing what I do best: ignoring what is going on inside of me and going through the motions of everyday life.

My dad is out of the hospital, but I'm not entirely sure what's going on. But, I honestly don't think he knows, either, so I'm not going to give him any crap about keeping me informed. The truth is that while he went in for one thing (pulmonary embolism), all of a sudden other things went wrong.

Are these other things linked to the meds? Are they linked to the embolism? Were they going to happen anyway? Who knows? Well, God probably knows, but let me tell you, he's not letting me in on the secret.

Work is... work. I'm still not getting ahead, but at least I'm not drowning in failure any more, either. I know. I exaggerate. But honestly as much as I was against it, being moved to another channel was a good thing.

Love life - well, I have none. I am getting no bites on the dating sites, and nothing is happening in real life, either. I go out. I meet people at events, but the guys don't seem to take a shine to me. Well wait. They do seem to enjoy talking to me, but almost always leave with the blonde.

I'm thinking of dying my hair blonde just to see if my life changes.

Speaking of changes, I've been attempting to listen to a CD I got at Goodwill: the Law of Attraction (Part 1). I guess Part 2 was already sold.

This audiobook is so annoying! I'm on disc 2, and basically it's still a big advertisement of what will happen once I put the Law of Attraction into use. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME. Just get to the meat already, okay?

I also bought the book The Secret at Goodwill, and it is the same thing. I'm at about the 4th chapter, and still the authors haven't said anything about how it works - just that it works. It's like the book is one big infomercial. No juice... just seeds.

And you might be wondering why I'm buying all this fluffy bunny crap - well, it's because I believe there is something to be said about attitude and gratitude and positive thinking.

I don't believe I'm a pessimist. I am more of a realist. Still... that doesn't bring me great joy. I don't get optimists. In fact, quite frankly they bug me. But... it dawned on me that they are doing something right. It seems like it is the optimists that have good lives. Happy lives. That get the things they want.

I'm not saying they don't have their own struggles... but their struggles don't hamper their movement.

Do I think that after listening to The Law of Attraction (Part 1) and reading The Secret that my life will be instantaneously good? Nah. I do, however, think it will help to adjust my mindset.

As a longtime listener to Coast to Coast AM, I often hear about "vibrations" and our vibrational levels, etc. Before nodding off to sleep the other night, a guest was talking about vibrations. And then, guess what? On Part 1 of the Law of Attraction, they (meaning Abraham - his or her many selves) talked about vibrations. About how being negative sends out negative vibrations, making it difficult to attract higher vibrations.

I don't know - it all sounds kind of odd and touchy feely, but it is finally starting to make some sense to me.

I started keeping a little journal with my Attitude of Gratitude postings. I am keeping it to five things a day. Surely I can find five things a day to be thankful for. Right?

So. I think I'm doing better. Or maybe I'm just ignoring the trouble that I am in. And I probably am doing that. However, at the same time, I'm actively working on making things better. Small steps... but maybe eventually they'll get me somewhere other than where I've been.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

House of Cards

I don't even really know where to begin. You might say, "Begin at the beginning." One small problem: I'm not sure where the beginning is.

Is the beginning when I broke up with Mr. Kim? Or is it when I moved here to Reno? Is the beginning when my mom died? Or is the beginning when I finally got work after being laid off for a year? Or could it be that the beginning is here. Now. My dad's hospitalization and his deteriorating health.

I'm not sure any more. They're all beginnings in a way, and yet they're all endings, too. Like the Death card in Tarot, these things are definitely endings, but they're also beginnings. The death of one thing brings forth new life. New journeys. New hardships.

I am on the brink...of something. Despair? Anguish? Depression? All of the above?

All I know is that I've felt anxious for days. And also depressed. I've felt angry and sad and unloved and unwanted. I've felt worthless and ugly and fat and alone. So, I guess it's no surprise that seeing a wedding picture of Kim and Mr. Kim set me over the edge.

And so I did. I saw two wedding pictures and whatever bits of glue had been holding me together over the last month just broke apart. I'm not quite sure why, as I'm fairly certain I am over him and have been for a while. I don't love him any more.

Wait. Do I?

I'm pretty sure I don't. And yet...

Here I am, feeling devastated after seeing a picture of them. The funny thing is, in both pictures she looked deliriously happy. He looked... well, not deliriously happy. Then again, because of Asperger's, he is never really deliriously happy.

I sometimes still wonder what clinched the deal. I remember one of the last times we spoke, and he spoke of her. I hadn't even brought her up. But he did. They had had a fight, and in telling me about his frustration he almost yelled the words, "I am not going to marry that girl!" Those words caught me by surprise.

He explained that she was pressuring him into marriage, and he wasn't going to marry her. Yet, he said he could not come up with a good reason to not get engaged to her. And to keep her happy, he would follow through on that.

He said he wasn't excited sexually by her, no matter how hard she tried to seduce him. But...she took care of him. And did it well. And without complaint.


I can attempt to comfort myself by stating it's a dysfunctional relationship. And I can do that from now until kingdom come, but guess what? I saw her picture. She's gorgeous. And then I think why isn't he sexually attracted to her? Perhaps he is now. I don't know - and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, but it's the type of dysfunction that works. She's dependent on making him happy. She likes knowing that she makes his life easier. She likes being his mommy. And I can make in fun of that all I want, but guess what? I'm still the loser.

I'm the one that he was with for eleven years. I'm the one that never got to walk down the aisle. And even though his sexual desire for me continued to be strong well into his relationship with her, she's still prettier than me. And younger than me. And she's the one wearing his ring.

Yet - this isn't what this is about. This is just what pushed me to the edge and left me feeling like I'm dangling on by a thread.

The truth is, the last few months have sucked. I almost feel like it's 2009 all over again. My dad is sick. My job sucks. I can't get ahead. I'm feeling my age. I don't have anyone in my life who loves me.

I've been feeling like I am barely even living. I'm scared of the future. I honestly don't even think I have one.

I'm actually at the point where I am tired of living. I don't see the point of it any more. I have no major significance to anyone. Or anything.

I've felt people pulling away from me - people who are important to me. I'm sure it's because I smell like death. Or even though I try to mask it, people can still see me for what I am: a big, fat failure. And really, who wants to hang with failure?

When this all hit me like a ton of bricks today, I left my cubical, went to my car, and sat there in the quiet. As the sun streamed through the car windows, I found it difficult to breathe and to concentrate.

I held my head as thoughts raced through my head. Unhealthy thoughts. Healthy thoughts. Moments of blankness.

One thought kept coming through loudly: Move. Get out of Reno. Go live with your dad.

But... a thousand buts. I love Reno. I have a support system here - and I honestly haven't had one since I left the Army. I have friends and social groups. I have a house that I love - absolutely love. The economy sucks in California. I have no friends there. No support system. No spiritual outlets.


And then there are the questions. How will I sell my home (say it with me now) "in this economy"? How will I find a job? How do I get rid of my stuff? How do I date when I'm back at home? Or do I?


Lots of questions.

The worst part of it is, I have no answers. But perhaps the real tragedy is that I think I'm running out of hope.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Nature Lover

Today when I was playing Fairyland, I came across a picture of one of the garden owners which showed her hugging a tree. I hugged a tree once, and when I pulled away I discovered I was covered with ants.

What a perfect analogy for my life.

Friday, January 07, 2011

The Friday Five

1) I organize some of the events for a local women's meetup group. I received an email today from a woman stating she was bringing her boyfriend to one of the events I'm hosting. Um... hello? What part of "women's group" does she not understand?

2) I had to be the bad guy and tell her that her boyfriend was not welcome to attend.

3) I'm not opposed to women having boyfriends. But, unless their boyfriend wants to wear lipstick, slip on a pair of nylons, and start having a monthly period, said boyfriends are not welcome at all-women events.

4) Strangely, I wouldn't mind going out with a man wearing lipstick and nylons. Go figure.

5) Obviously, it's been an awfully long time since I've had a date.