Friday, January 30, 2009

I was Mooned!

A friend of mine and I try to meet at least once a week for a walk around the Sparks Marina. (Well, we actually take two laps around, but you know, that's not important to anyone or anything, other than my thighs.) We decided to meet on a Friday this week, so that we could hit Happy Hour after our walk.

While we were sipping our three dollar glasses of wine at The Anchor, we noticed a guy setting up a table and stuff near the water. We were curious. Was he getting ready to have some sort of a party? Was he selling something?

Each time he dropped off a new load of stuff, our interest was increased. After noticing what looked to be a beach ball and a bunch of maps, we chugged down the rest of our wine and left The Anchor to see what in the world was going on.

"Okay, I'm curious," I said. "You piqued my interest!"

The man was kind of cute, in a goofy sort of way, so of course I immediately looked at his ring finger. Damn. Married. Oh well. I stopped being disappointed long enough to listen to him...he told us that he was an astronomer and was doing some quickie astronomy lessons in the park.

He asked us if we wanted to see the moon, and I said "Yes!" He said "Okay, little girl, look into my telescope" and then he unzipped his pants. No he didn't...I was just checking to see if you were still reading. But, he did lead me over to his telescope and there I saw it...the moon! It was so cool to see the craters and other moony things while the sun was still out.

After we all looked at his telescope (because by then a small crowd had gathered), he gave us a short lesson and sent us on our way. He did tell us that in 25 more minutes, he would be showing off Venus. I was tempted to stay, but decided that after a glass of wine I could look at my very own Venus at home, compliments of a bendy body and a hand-held mirror.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

That's Just What You Are

In our endeavor we are never seeing eye to eye
No guts to sever so forever may we wave goodbye
And you're always telling me that it's my turn to move
When I wonder what could make the needle jump the groove
I won't fall for the oldest trick in the book
So don't sit there and think you're off of the hook
By saying there is no use changing 'cause

That's just what you are
That's just what you are

Almost from the moment I agreed to exclusivity with Todd, I was told again and again and again why I couldn't be "the one." It was always up to me to make a move - a move to change something that he wasn't happy with. He wanted sex - he got it. He wanted certain types of sex. He got it. He wanted to marry me...I finally said yes. He wouldn't marry me until I lived with him for "a while." I moved in. And yet...nothing ever changed. It was always my move. Yet, the moves never got me closer to him than I was on the day I agreed to exclusivity.

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears
By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try
Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy
It's not like you would lose some critical piece
If somehow you moved point a to point b
Maintaining there is no point changing 'cause

That's just what you are
That's just what you are

I listened to and accepted Todd's fears and his struggle with living in a neuro-typical world while saddled with Asperger's. I defended his actions to friends, family and even myself. And when I would suggest changes he could make to incorporate me more into his life, he would just end up pushing me further away.

Now I could talk to you till I'm blue in the face
But we still would arrive at the very same place
With you running around and me out of the race

We have talked and talked and talked and talked, and it doesn't get us anywhere. We even tried counseling - and it didn't work. I suspected that he wanted the counselor to tell him to break up with me, and when that didn't happen, he became frustrated and we stopped going. So, there were were, back in the same place. He pushed me further away by dating other people and continuing to exclude me from his social circle, yet got on my case for not being a better life partner.

It's difficult to be someone's life partner when they're excluding you from their life. I see now I shouldn't have been surprised that I couldn't make that happen. Yet at the time, I ran that race as if my life depended on it, not realizing I wasn't even in the race, and was instead running on a treadmill and not getting anywhere.

So maybe you're right, nobody can take
Something older than time and hope you could make
It better, that would be a mistake
So take it just so far

'cause that's just what you are
That's just what you are
That's just what you are

Now he says that there is no way to fix our relationship - too much damage has been done. For years, I took the blame for the damage. After all, if I had been a better girlfriend, more nurturing, more sexual, more...fill in the blank, we wouldn't be here. Or at least that's what I was led to believe. Now I realize that it wasn't me at all, but the boundaries he put up that caused the most damage.

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears
You're like a sleepwalking man, it's a danger to wake you
Even when it is apparent where your actions will take you

That's just what you are
And that's just what you are
That's just what you are
That's just what you are

--Lyrics by Aimee Mann

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I want...

Wine. Every cell in my body is screaming for a glass of wine. Oh I know, I should just have one, but see, I have a skills test tomorrow for a potential position with the local university. And, well, every once in a while wine will trigger a migraine. So, as much as I want a glass, I know that tonight is probably not the night to do it.

I have tried to unwind from a stressful weekend in other ways. Long hot bath. Pedicure. Blah, blah, blah. Nice, sure, but just not the same as curling up on the couch with a glass of wine while my body starts to relax slowly but surely as the alcohol begins its healing journey through my veins.

I guess my next attempt at relaxation will be a mug of chamomile tea. It works just as well - but it's just simply not as much fun to drink.

Friday, January 23, 2009


One of my favorite bosses of all time organized a reunion luncheon for those of us who had been laid off of the now defunct company we had once all been a part of. That luncheon was today. I was hesitant about going, as I have now been laid off again and did not feel as if I had a lot of "happy chat" in me. But, a woman I worked closely with at the organization insisted I go, and sweetened the pot by treating. How could I resist?

After we were all assembled, my boss asked us all to go around the table and brief everyone as to what we'd been up to since our company disbanded. Thankfully, I wasn't the only loser, I mean, laid off person there. Several hadn't found work since the company went up in smoke, and others were like me: had found new jobs and gotten laid off again.

One guy, Bob, said that he still hadn't found work, so he was spending a lot of time with Ellen DeGeneres and the cast of Friends. That got a laugh. When it was my turn, I said "I'm gainfully unemployed, so I spend my days crying, drinking, and marinating in my pajamas." Bob said "You should try spending some time with my Friends; they might not convince you to put on pajamas, but they might help with the crying."

Thanks, Bob, for the advice. Now where's the remote?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Suddenly Last Summer

I watched the movie "Suddenly Last Summer" recently via the streaming video feature on Netflix. I love this feature! Kind of makes me wish I had a TiVo, so I could just stream the videos on to my TV. But I digress...back to the movie.

If you haven't seen the movie or the play, the basic theme is that a guy named Sebastian takes his beautiful cousin (played by Elizabeth Taylor) on a trip. He uses her as bait to reel in the pretty boys, then he does whatever it is he does to them (in the movie, it's never quite clear, but it is obvious that he is gay and makes moves on the young men after his cousin brings them to him). He used to use his mother for this task, but she apparently got too old to attract the "tasty" men (the use of the word "tasty" and "delicious" is ironic, it turns out). See, after he tries his little deviant tricks on some island boys, he is repayed for his trickery by being attacked and eaten by the boys (and not the good kind of eating, by the way).

The movie (and play) were touted as quite forward thinking for 1958. However, one can't help but wonder if the real theme is that homosexuality is wrong and should be punished by cannibalistic young men. Or, perhaps the theme could be that what one thinks is fun in private is shunned once all the townspeople find out they did the same thing? the real theme people taste good after baking in the island sun for weeks on end?

I don't know. I'm confused. However, I don't think I'll be making any trips to any third world islands any time soon, with or without my cousin Sebastian.