Last night, I found myself without any major plans, so I decided to enjoy my living room (the room I love the best). I rented "Blue Valentine," lit a bunch of candles, and settled in on the couch to watch the movie.
I found the movie difficult to watch. Using juxtaposition, the movie showed the beginnings and the end of a relationship. The cute meet. The giddiness and elation that comes when two souls start to gel. The smiles that appear automatically upon nearing that person.
The movie also portrayed - almost startling so - the stark contrast of love gone bad - or perhaps just stale. Of one partner who grew and one who did not. Of the day-to-day things that can either draw two people closer together or drive them further apart.Of the painful silences and simple conversations that dovetail into arguments.
Michelle Williams' character uttered a phrase I myself said many times, "I just can't do this anymore." I can remember saying this more times than I'd care to admit to over the course of my last three years or so with Mr. Kim. I remember that feeling - the deep knowing that the relationship was over. And yet allowing myself to believe it wasn't and holding on to his words as if they were my only lifeboat.
I had trouble shaking the movie off after it was over. I went to bed, but couldn't sleep. The movie reawakened the pain of holding on to something that just isn't working - and the pain that comes from letting go.
I've been told that I'm not over Mr. Kim yet. But I know that's simply not true - if he were to show up on my doorstep today to beg me to take him back, I know I would not. What I do have trouble getting over, though - or maybe simply not forgiving myself for - is for not giving up sooner. Of wasting time.
Well... as the saying goes, "It's no use crying over spilled milk." So cry I didn't - but almost 24 hours later I find I'm still having trouble shaking off that movie.
It was too real for comfort.