The Numbered Musings of a Mad Woman

I’ve got a lot going on in my head. It’s screaming: Let me out. So here it is. Out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Okay, maybe not ugly as much as boring. Prepare yourself.

1) I’ve been bugging Mr. Kim about my stuff. He finally contacted me back, which was good. He also asked me a personal question, prefacing it with the statement that he had no right to ask, but he was curious.

I pondered on this for a while. I wanted to respond, I really did. More out of habit than anything else - I mean, there was a time when I told him nearly everything about me. But... yeah. That time has passed.

It took some restraint, but I ignored the question. And after re-reading my reply several times before sending, I don't think he'll notice that I didn't address the question he asked.

In fact, he probably has even forgotten he asked.

2) A friend of mine told me that she thought I wasn't over Mr. Kim. I am fairly certain I am over him, as in, I don't love him anymore. And I don't want to know the details of his life. Or miss him. Well, miss HIM, the guy.

I think she has a point, though, in an off-base kind of way. I am not over losing him. I am over him. Just not the loss.

I miss having someone in my life who actually cared about what happened to me. I miss having someone calling me every day to check on me. I miss having someone to laugh with and cry with and just sit with.

I miss being cherished (even if it was an illusion). I miss planning the future with someone. I miss having a history with someone. I miss having someone to count on.

I miss being important to someone. I miss thinking about someone regularly. I miss... well, a lot of the little things that goes into the day-to-day of a relationship. Calling when something reminded me of him. Sharing secrets with him. Having private jokes.

Mr. Kim - no, I don't miss him. And I am over him. But boy, do I miss having someone special in my life.

I feel that loss every single day that goes by without someone new in it.

3) Thanks to Facebook, I was prompted to friend someone I dated for a while. His main picture is of him and a girl, so Facebook, thanks for the thought, but no, I don't think I'll be friending him any time soon.

He and she looked very happy together. And, I wasn't even jealous. I was actually happy for him - not enough to friend him, though.

Some things should just stay in the past.

4) I woke up at 2 a.m. last night and never got back to sleep. At three, I toyed with the idea of getting up and being productive. But, I was still hopeful that I could get two more hours of sleep.

I didn't.

And Coast to Coast A.M. wasn't a friend to me, either. They had some sort of uninteresting topic on, so I listened to NPR's late night jazz instead. It was nice, but I think a soothing voice might have gotten me to sleep.

Or maybe I'm just dreaming.

I'm not exactly sure why I couldn't go back to sleep. I am not particularly stressed. But I do have a lot of stuff running through my head - like when will Mr. Kim get back to me about my stuff? (well, he finally did) Why can't I get the song "Grenade" out of my head? When will I be able to get my roof fixed?

You know, that kind of stuff.

Hopefully I burned some calories while tossing and turning for three hours. Because otherwise, I probably should have just followed my first thought and gotten out of bed and three a.m. and been productive.

5) Some jerkwad heretofore known as Monkey Man blocked me on Facebook months and months ago. So, what does he do? He finds me on a dating website, and sends me a message. And a stupid message at that:

"You got new glasses?"

I thought of a thousand smart alecky replies I could send. Instead, I blocked him.

Ha! Take that, Monkey Man! No more stupid questions from you. At least on that site.

6) Speaking of dating websites, I guess my activity checking my mail on that site brought me to the top of search requests. I got another email, and was excited - that is, until I read it.

For one, it was from a 23-year-old guy who wrote in text speak. Two, even though the guy's stats said he was single, his write-up said he was married with a kid.

And thirdly, why would I want to go to Cold Springs and spend time with a total stranger?

I blocked him, too. Take that, you random booty call hunter!

7) So far, 2011 sucks the big red one. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was 2009.