Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tired Of Crying

This week has been emotionally exhausting, and it's only Wednesday. I'm not sure how I'll make it to Friday with my sanity intact.

I want to say it all started on Friday, but seriously, I am having trouble remembering the details. I had to work (it's my normal day off), however it wasn't as bad as I expected. I met Todd for a late lunch/early dinner at Claim Jumper. I think that went okay... but there was some stress, as usual.

Even though he invited me, I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn't a happy camper. When probed (not anally, much to his disappointment), he admitted to feeling upset again about Lynn, and that he's still unsure as to what's happening with us, blah, blah, old news, blah blah. Even after a glass of wine, that conversation didn't get any better.

When we parted, it was on good terms, and he asked me to get together with him on Saturday. I suggested breakfast. The Marriott has a free hot breakfast every morning, and Glindy is welcome. He said "we'll see," we smooched, and went our separate ways.

Saturday morning came, and he didn't want to meet for breakfast. But, he wanted me to come over, so I did. He asked where we should go to lunch at. I suggested T.G.I.Friday's. He said "Let's bring Glindy." Um. No. Of course, that caused him to become angry with me, even though he knew even before he suggested it that I would veto that decision.

His anger lasted most of the day.

While we were enroute to the restaurant, one thought kept running through my head: Why do I bother? Seriously, why do I? What's in it for me, other than constant disappoint when Todd aims his unresolved anger issues at me? And while these questions kept running through my head, the answers were never forthcoming.

So. I really don't want to go into the gory details. Suffice it to say that the day didn't get a whole lot better until late afternoon. By then, though, I pretty much just wanted to get back to the hotel room to recoup.

For some unknown reason, we decided to try this again on Sunday. We made tentative plans, smooched, and I went on my not-so-merry way.

Sunday was better, and left me feeling that yes, this was all going to work out after all (is this sounding at all familiar? Or old? Or both?). Silly me. I should've used my crystal ball to gaze into the day that would be Monday, but I did not.

Shame on me.

Monday, after a series of messes in the house caused by our pets (my cat Lucy being one of them), Todd called me at work and DEMANDED that I take care of things. Um. Yeah. Okay. I managed not to chop his head off over the phone with the mere sharpness of my words, as I was at work and wanted to retain some sort of sense of decorum. Instead I told him I would talk to him later.

Later I had a migraine, went to the hotel, and crashed.

When we got together last night for dinner before class, Todd said that in a way, it was a good thing I didn't come over on Monday evening, as he would've said things that he wouldn't have been able to take back. He said he realized it wasn't all my fault, however it left him feeling as if he was left "flapping in the wind." He went on about how Monday's events and my not being there just reinforced this idea that I often leave him to fend for himself.

While I can understand a bit of what he was getting at, the incident on Monday should no way reflect badly on me. As I reminded him, he put me in the hotel. He chose to not have me at home, leaving him to take care of our pets. In fact, he assured me he would take care of them, no worries. Yet, the minute something goes wrong, I'm to blame.

Homey don't play that.

This conversation, along with many that had the same theme this weekend, just reinforced this idea in my head that he will continue to find reasons to get angry with me. And, as I thought of this, I began to cry.


And I'm getting really tired of crying.

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