Sunday, April 09, 2006

Epiphany or Stupidity?

My stomach has been tied up in knots all weekend. I can barely eat, and when I sleep, I have odd, strange, and sort of bad dreams.

And as I sorted all this in my head... all the things I've been thinking and feeling and worrying about, I came to the conclusion that I am a stupid, stupid girl.

Why oh why would I tell Todd he could date other people? That was fine the last time we were on a break. We had been together for a few years, weren't living together, and attempting to find out if we had a future together.

This time, though, is different. We're living together. We're SUPPOSED to have some sort of committment to each other... how can we work on us if we're pursuing others?

The simple answer is we can't.

I'm so fucking stupid for even suggesting it.

The thing is, I ultimately want him to be happy. And, I suppose I thought that if he dated other people, he would be able to determine who made him happy: me or someone else.

All along, the answer was right in front of our faces. We just both ignore it. The simple facts are these: He loves me but he's not happy with me as a life partner. I love him, but I am severely unhappy with our living conditions. I think my unhappiness is fixable. But I also believe that his is not.

Where does that leave us?

Nowhere good, I'm afraid.

Believe it or not, neither one of us has ever broken up with someone before. Well, I sort of did once... I found out that a guy I had been dating was married AND had a girlfriend. I didn't officially break up with him, though. I just refused to see him after that (didn't take his calls, etc.).

We talked about this just the other day. I think the fact that neither one of us has ever broken up with someone has left us crippled... neither one of us can make that move.

Today I think I can.

The trouble is, I have absolutely NOWHERE else to go. He has promised that he won't kick me to the curb. I am assuming I can stay here (although obviously I'll move into the office) until I can get my cottage into a somewhat liveable condition.

I'm not saying that will be a comfortable situation, but it's something I can deal with much better than saying we're still together and working on it, when in reality we've already emotionally disengaged.

Who knows? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe we will work things out.

My heart says we won't, though, at least not anytime soon.

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