So... I called Todd several times today, and he didn't return any of my calls.
I finally reached him this afternoon, and guess who he was with? Yeah... well. That was almost to be expected. I could sense that's what happened.
We had it out on the phone. He got my messages, but didn't call because he thought I wouldn't answer the phone, and that "would've made me very angry." So, instead of calling me, someone who he's been with for 8 years, he decides to hunker down with Lynn instead. After all, she's much more fun to be around than an old time girlfriend, right?
He wouldn't really accept my breaking up with him. He thinks we should see a counselor to try to work things out.
I don't know... I see where he's coming from, and am willing to do it, but at this point, when his heart is already not on me and looking around at other people, well... that doesn't quite make things on the up and up.
I did get some good advice from a friend, though. She suggested that there be no dating and no contact with other people during our counseling period. If we're going to work on this, we need to work on this together, with no outside influences breaking the chain.
She has a good point. And honestly, in my present state of mind I don't know if I would've thought to make that a mandate.
I am going to, though.
I still think we're on the verge of breaking up. He doesn't see it from my point of view... he tries, but he can't. For almost eight years, he's never been truly happy with me. He says that I am not happy, either. And he's right, but that unhappiness has been relatively new. And I really do believe it has more to do with our living conditions than with him.
But maybe he's right... maybe it's something else. And in that case, a counselor would help me figure that out.
I take it he's still with Lynn, though, and that bugs me. It's almost like he's saying "Fuck, she's going to make me be monogomous for awhile longer, so I'll just nail this girl while I've got the chance."
Now I'm not saying that's what he's doing... it's what is going through my head. But I also don't doubt I'm that far off the mark.
Right this very minute, I can say that I wish I had never moved to Reno. I wish I had never given up everything that I had for this... for a man who is not happy with me, and may never be. For a man who is always kind of keeping his eye out for someone who might make him happier than I do. For a man who says he loves me, but when I'm in desperate need, would rather have coffee with some relative stranger than to call me.
The thing is, I'm scared. I have absolutely no one to turn to here in Reno. If I have to move out of Todd's house, I have absolutely nowhere to go. And, yes, I'm also scared of losing him, but a part of me believes that I lost him already.
What am I going to do?
More importantly, what is going to happen to us?
I wish I had a crystal ball for that.