Saturday, April 08, 2006

And He's Off...

While driving to the house this morning, I saw a dead cat on the side of the highway and I started to cry.

I know it really wasn't the dead cat that I was sad about (although it did tug at my heartstrings)... no, it is the fact that Todd is in the Bay Area this weekend for a date and then a naked hot tub and play party.

He met a girl that he was interested in at the Doctor Who convention. But of course, then he was chained to me, so he didn't do anything about it, other than (obviously) get her contact information. As soon as he found out it was okay to date during our break, he contacted her and set up the date. She lives in San Francisco, hence his westward journey.

I'm a little torn up inside, more than I thought I would be. I'm nervous and anxious. My hands shake as I type this entry, and my heart is beating so fast I think it will beat itself out of my chest.

The sane part of me says "nothing will ever really happen between these two." Sure, they might date and have sex or whatever, but come on? Todd in a long-distance relationship? It will never happen. And what are the chances that some broad who lives in San Francisco (not the outskirts, mind you; the actual city), would leave all that behind for Reno?

I say the chances are slim to none.

Still... it bugs me.

I think what really got me is that he had obviously been interested in her from the start. And that leaves me thinking that he was hoping we would break up or go on a break so he could pursue her.

And don't get me started on how revved up he was sexually yesterday... I know that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her, and yes, that leaves me feeling vulnerable.

And then there is the play party. As I've hinted to before, Todd and I have some problems in the bedroom. The problem is mostly due to my lack of libido since perimenopause hit... but the problem existed before then. Todd's just into things that I am not. For example, he likes submissive play. I can't even fake submissive play, because I'm just not submissive. I might be passive at times, but submissive? No way.

So, even if his date with the Doctor Who hooker, I mean looker, doesn't work out, then he's still got a naked hot tub & play party he's attending where he might meet some submissives who would be willing to do anything he says at a drop of a hat. Like move to Reno. (Oh, I'm sure that's the last thing... I probably should be focusing on the sex, but I'm more worried about the long-term than the short-term.)

And yet, as upset as I am, I know this is the right thing. I can't fully explain how disheartening it has been for me to know that he's never really been completely happy with me. I compare it to that car that you spent a lot for, but it turns out it isn't really what you want... you spent a lot of money on it, and it gets you where you want to go... but still, there are things wrong with it that irk you. Yet, you don't have the money to get a new one, so you make do.

And I feel like for years, he's been just making do with me.

Not too long ago, I told an online friend who was struggling with self-esteem issues about my own. I used to hate myself... so much so that I thought I didn't even deserve to live. My plan was to kill myself when I turned 18. Why 18? I don't know why now, but it made some sort of sense to me then. However, when I turned 17, I joined the Army.

The Army helped me to accept, trust and love myself.

Those feelings have increased as time goes on, but when Todd & I were on the infamous break of 2000, I was hit with some of those feelings again. "I'm not good enough." "If I could only change more so he would like me better." Etc. Etc.

I loathe to admit that here. I hate THAT woman. The one who thinks there is something wrong with her, so she must change to hold on to the guy. But during the break, after the initial self-berating, my sense of self came back.

So this time around, my sense of self is much stronger. Now he's dating, and I'm not thinking to myself "Why can't I be cute like the Doctor Who girl," or "Maybe I can try to play submissive." No, this time I'm thinking "Fuck that, if he wants her, he can have her. Good luck with that."

Because as much as his dating others preys on my mind and causes some anxiety, deep down inside I know that if I'm not "good enough" for him, then he can just hit the highway. The only thing I lose is time... and not my self esteem.

In the end, I think that's all that really matters.

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