"Don't you just hate his guts... a little bit?"
That was Chris' comment to me this morning, after I told her about my weekend.
My plan hadn't been to reveal all that to my boss. But, it was clear I'd been crying, she was concerned, and it just came out.
I was in an extremely bad state this morning. I didn't get any sleep last night. I tossed and turned and watched TV and listened to the radio and tossed and turned and walked around and... yeah. The cycle of anxiety.
The cause of the anxiety was more of the same. Last night, Todd called to check-in. Guess where he was calling from? Early in the conversation, he had the audacity to say to me "You really put Lynn in an awkward position with your earlier phone call."
After a moment of disbelief, I said "You know, quite frankly I don't care about Lynn. She is nothing to me. You are everything to me. Of course I'm going to call you. I have every right. If anything, you're the one that put Lynn in an awkward position, not me."
After eight years together, of course I'm allowed to call him... on HIS cell phone. It's not like I tracked him down to her house and called on her phone. In fact, I didn't even know he was there until he confessed.
Our conversation wasn't very productive. He tried (and I could hear that) to comfort me, but in all actuality he couldn't. He told me he was at the end of his rope. He was miserable with me, and yes, he felt as if this is the end of our relationship.
He added that because we had eight years together, he would give counseling a try. He said we've come to the point where we need a mediator to facilitate constructive communication. He said that he sees things one way, I see them another... and that perhaps an outsider sees some sort of middle ground that would make us both happy.
Honestly, I'm not holding out much hope. I think that he's already given up on us mentally, and counseling is a formality. Something to do so he can honestly say he tried to make it work.
I am scared to lose him. Not because I feel I'm incomplete without him. Not because I feel I won't find anyone else. No, I'm scared to lose him because I really do love him. He protects me. Takes care of me. And, most of the time, he goes out of his way to make me happy.
It saddens me to know that living with me lately has left him feeling miserable. I wish I could fix it.
I'm so afraid that it's too late, and I can't.