Thursday, March 05, 2009

Not Allowed

The other day when I was at Todd's packing up some of my stuff, he asked me if I would sit with him and have a cup of coffee. He wanted to talk, and while I'm all done talking, I could see it was important to him so I sat down with him and talked.

After we got the "us" stuff out of the way, he asked me about Mr. Wonderful. I hesitated in answering, and he said that perhaps he had no right asking, but he was genuinely interested in what was going on.

For some reason that I couldn't immediately identify, I felt resentful and private. I didn't want to share; this was mine. And then I realized that no harm could come from me sharing some of the details, so I updated him on what was going on with Mr. W and myself.

It wasn't until later, when I was home, that I realized what caused my hesitancy in responding. It is because I feel that in asking, he was not just getting information, but that he was also seeking validation - perhaps unconsciously - that he made the right choice in replacing me with Kim.

It is my belief that he can now tell himself "See, I did the right thing. She has moved on and this is better for her." But that's not true at all. My current relationship has nothing to do with my past relationship, in that it's not the reason I left Todd. And it's definitely not a replacement for Todd.

Todd is not allowed any reprieve for his recent unfair actions to me - in holding on to me, even though he knew he didn't want me any more. In keeping me around, just because he wasn't ready to let go. In leading me to believe he was working on our relationship, when he freely admitted on Monday that was never the case - that he already knew he wanted something - someone - else.

No, my budding relationship with Mr. W does not exist so Todd can feel good about his decisions and/or his actions towards me. He has no right to use this to assuage any guilt he might feel. It is for that reason that I wanted to keep this to myself for now. But I didn't - I spilled - and now I'm just not sure I did the right thing. Because the right thing isn't to let him feel good about what he did to me. No, the right thing is for me to believe I did a good thing in letting him go.

And I know I did - but I'm still coming to terms with it. It'll take time, and between you and me, Mr. Wonderful is helping with that. But Todd doesn't have to know that, does he?

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