Monday, March 02, 2009

Naked Lunch

Well, okay, in my case it was a naked dinner...or rather, nakedness after dinner. Does it really matter the order in which it all happened? The only important part of this story is that I got to see a man unclothe himself, while I was wearing my glasses. For those of you who are not visually challenged, this means I got to see everything in Technicolor, and without any blurry lines.

Oh wait. Would you like an explanation? More of a story, perhaps? Well, for those of you not in the know, I have been dating someone new. Yes, as hard as it might be to believe, it is true. I haven't scared him off yet. Go figure!

His name is...well, I probably shouldn't reveal his name without his permission, so I'll just call him what Todd calls him: Mr. Wonderful. He's ten years younger than me, is a merchant sailor, and has an odd sense of humor. However, as his very first email to me left me laughing out loud, I knew I had to meet him.

He was already aces in my book because he asked me to Claim Jumper. Yes, I might have written about that already. Believe you me, though, Claim Jumper is always worth mentioning again. Anyway, he was very physical on the first and second date, and then not at all on the third date. On the fourth date, I got a hug and a sound. "Ummmmmmmmmm" was what he uttered when he hugged me.

Okay, so I got an "Ummmmmm" but no kiss. So, perhaps I was a bit confused, but I hid it well when he asked me if he could call me again. I said "Sure thing, hunkarama." He said "Cool," and turned to walk to his motorcycle. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

He turned around and asked, "What do you want to get out of this?" Uh, huh? Out of a dinner at Claim Jumper (see? Claim Jumper was so good the first time, we had a repeat performance!). I was confused. I think I might have said "Uh...." I'm sure I sounded quite intelligent.

He continued. "You're not hoping for anything serious are you? Because I've been thinking about this a lot, and it's really stressing me out. I'm gone for four months at a time, and I'm not sure I want to worry about a relationship that I can't tend to while I'm away."

"Well, I understand about the requirements of your job, and I have no problem with that."

"Well..." he started and I thought to myself "Oh this can't be good." He mentioned an ex-girlfriend who he keeps in touch with, but no longer has a relationship with, and doesn't even want to go there...and I was starting to feel lost when he reeled it back in to the person who is really important in this equation: me.

He asked me if he could continue to call me and see me, and I said "Sure, I'd like that." I mean, really, after the disaster that was my last relationship, do I really want to get all serious and stuff about someone else so quickly? The answer to that question, dear readers, is no.

So then I said "Are you going to be around this weekend?" Now it was his turn to look confused. Perhaps he didn't think I heard a word he said. I didn't care - I threw caution to the wind. "Maybe you'd like to come over for dinner on Sunday if you're around."

He said sure, and we left it at that. Well, one thing led to another, and Saturday came and went and I hadn't had a chance to call him. Then I had a brilliant idea: I'd pull a Mr. Wonderful and call him on the same day as the date! But, he beat me to the punch. Late Saturday night, I received a call from him. "PJammy," he said "I believe you offered to have me over for dinner tomorrow. Does that offer still stand?"

Why yes, yes it did. I told him that I have a shoeless policy at my house, so he'd have to take off his shoes in the hallway. I added "Don't worry; I won't ask you to take anything else least until after dinner."

Let me tell you something, readers: it sucks to reach my age and discover you only have only had one sexual partner. Time to experiment! It's especially good to experiment with someone who doesn't plan on getting serious. Or at least, that's what Cosmo says.

So, I made all the appropriate preparations. Straightened up the house, paying particular attention to the bedroom. Planned a simple yet stunning meal, so that I wouldn't be in the kitchen all day, but it would look like I was. Made a trip to the local pharmacy to buy condoms. And lube. And a brown bag. (just kidding about the brown bag.)

I was set. He came early (I mean, he arrived early). We had dinner. After dinner, we decided to watch a movie. Well, as you can probably guess, we didn't get past the opening credits. Next thing I knew we were making out. Then I noticed he was unbuttoning his shirt. I started to get nervous. He whispered, "I seem to remember you saying something about waiting until after dinner to take other things off..." I told him he had a good memory.

Well, as I believe this site is rated PG, I won't go into too many intimate details. Suffice it to say I finally got to see a naked guy other than Todd. And we had some fun - but not the kind of fun you probably expect we had, and definitely not the kind of fun I expected to have.

Was I disappointed? Well...sort of. But I was also sort of relieved. However, I did enjoy some adulation of my body, which prompted my head to swell. I bet you didn't know that I have a "small waist" and "a toned body." Heck, I didn't know it either, at least before last night.

Anyway, I think a repeat performance is probably in order. Only this time, I think I'd like to use some of the paraphernalia I bought. I'd hate to see it go to waste.

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