Up In Smoke

Some days, hearing the latest news just angers me. Today is one of those days.

A Florida jury awarded $26.6 million to a smoker's widow. The widow's husband died of lung cancer.

I am outraged that she was awarded this money. She knew the hazards of marrying someone with a smoking habit. Plus, he was a grown-up and made his own choices - he chose to smoke, knowing there could be consequences. So, why should R.J. Reynolds and Philip Morris have to pay?

The truth is, they shouldn't.

I am not a smoker, nor do I think smoking is a smart choice for anyone. But the fact remains: one of the industries that helped America flourish is the tobacco industry. Years ago, we were all over smoking like white on rice. Then it was identified as having certain health risks, and slowly but surely tobacco became the scourge of the nation.

I'm not sure why we, as a nation, have come to vilify tobacco use while we stand up and cheer for legalized marijuana usage. We also stand idly by while our children are over diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and filled with Ritilin. We tout the wonders of alcohol. We ruin our hearing with loud music through our ear buds. We drink water filled with plasticized toxins from clear plastic bottles. We push to get drugs passed quickly through the FDA, apparently not learning anything from drugs like Fen-Fen and Thalidomide.

Believe me, I'm not condoning tobacco use. In fact, my mom died from emphysema. However, I do believe in her right to choose. She chose to smoke. She enjoyed it. She decided to quit a few years ago, and still got sick. Her last months were not fun for her. This I know. But, it was her right to choose how to live, even if it contributed to how she died.

What I do condone, promote and celebrate is our right as a nation to choose. My "drug" of choice is alcohol. I am not a lush or an alcoholic. But when I want to unwind, I turn to a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Sometimes I choose a a healthier option: walking. Yoga. Reading. A bath. But yes sometimes I do the easy thing and pour a glass of wine.

Smokers' rights are pretty much non-existent at this point in time. As a nation, we have hammered down one of the industries that provided a lot of jobs to our country. A smoker should have rights. They should be able to smoke if they want to. The thing is, it is getting harder and harder for smokers to smoke - even in their very own homes.

I find this fact abhorrent.

We silently cheer the fact that they can't smoke. Yay! we say, as we enjoy our smokeless environment. But what many people don't realize is that by allowing the government to dictate what smokers are able, or rather not able, to do, we are giving them permission to take away more of our rights.

We say "Yay" now, but how will we react when rights that hit closer to home are taken away? Or will we even notice? I'm afraid by the time rights that are near and dear to our hearts are taken away, we'll be so used to the government taking things away that we'll be numb to it.

So to all you sheeple out there who think this broad deserved 26.6 million dollars, I tell you this: you just opened up another door to frivolous action suits and your idle apathy is slowly erasing our right to choose. To that I say, you are all a bunch of robotic morons and are screwing it up for those of us who fought hard to keep America an independent nation.

Dumped

Although I was keeping it on the down low, for the last month I have been dating someone. Only a few friends knew, because this guy is someone who was liked, or should I say “like liked,” by some women in my circle. So, instead of rousing jealousy without need, I didn’t mention it – figuring that if the relationship fizzled, no harm done and no feelings were hurt (except maybe mine).

I’m not going to sit here and say the guy was everything I wanted and more. He wasn’t. But, I saw potential. Just because he didn’t meet all my parameters (age, height, number of past marriages), that didn’t mean he was out of the running. He treated me well. He was complimentary. And he seemed communicative.

Turns out “seemed” is the operative word.

We had dinner plans for Tuesday – he was going to come over for corned beef and cabbage. I was excited to be having him over for the first time. And then it happened – the dreaded dump email. Yes, email.

“Peej, let’s hold off on dinner…” was how he started, and went on to find all kinds of reasons that, while he could see himself falling in love with me, he could no longer date me. The main reason he stated was my “busy-ness.” I was always doing something, and he didn’t have confidence that I could live a quiet lifestyle. I explained to him that I often filled my time with extracurricular activities because I was single – but if in an exclusive relationship, of course my priorities would change.

Turns out, it’s not the busy-ness. It’s the whole witch “thing” as he put it.

I find this irritating and annoying and maddening. Why? Because 1) he knew I was a witch going into this. 2) We have never discussed it. He hasn’t asked me any questions about it, and I don’t bring it up. I wasn’t going to try to convert him or anything. And, if he would have ever bothered to ask me, he would have discovered that spiritually, we have a lot of the same beliefs, including the big one: God.

I am also irritated because while he says he’s a Christian and therefore cannot be cavorting with a witch, he doesn’t go to church (as least as far as I’ve been able to determine from how he spends his Sundays). He doesn’t pray before eating. He doesn’t tote around a bible. In fact, he’s never mentioned his faith, his beliefs, or his spirituality.

That aside, as I mentioned before, he never discussed these issues with me. My lifestyle. What I do. According to him, I’m gentle. Tender. Nice. “The perfect woman.” (His words – not mine.)

I have determined the real issue here is that he’s not ready for a relationship. These excuses are – well – excuses. They would hold weight if he had discussed them with me. Explored them with me. Found me to be unwilling to make allowances for him in my life. But no, he just made a blanket assumption, and that angers me. Because in every other way, he did everything he could to express his interest in pushing us further. He told me he hoped we would become exclusive. He bought me presents. Contacted me several times a day. Complimented me almost to the point of overkill.

So, if I’m all that and a bag of chips – the woman he could see himself falling in love with – why the sudden exit?

I know the answer and it angers me. But, I’m not one to hold a grudge – instead, I’m just moving on. Got any single guy friends you wanna fix me up with?

Funky Town

Today's horoscope: Peej, there are some really funky energies in your love life right now. If you don't get yourself into a secret passionate affair, you may still be surrounded with interesting, unusual suitors. One word of warning, remember that hot passion sometimes burns out quickly.

There aren't just funky energies in my love life, there have been funky energies in my life all freakin' week. When I talked to one of my best friends today, she said it was the same with her. The energy this week has been draining and erratic and full of barbed wire.

I really hope this next week will be better.

As for the romance part of the horoscope, I have had some unusual suitors. One guy hit on me at the grocery store. Another guy who recognized me from an online dating site creeped me out by trying to find out when the last time was I "made love." First, anyone who knows me knows I hate the term "make love." Ugh. Secondly, really? Do I look like the kind of girl who is going to spill all my sexual secrets to a stranger? Ugh.

As for the secret passionate affair, I'm working on it.

Cloudy Day

Today's Tarot:
The Sun Reversed
The Sun Reversed Clouds may be obscuring truth. Not as bright as things could be, but not dark either. A mitigating of circumstances. Possible sadness. Burn out from a job or relationship. Time to sit this one out until bright sun returns. Positive energies dampened, but not completely gone. Focus on good still at hand until time passes. Confusion and concealment. Truth is still there, but may be hidden.

***

Yesterday was a horrible day at work. It should have been a good day - it was my first early day, my first chance to get off at 4 p.m. I knew I only had one thing on my plate - a request that I should have come in to find in the status of "Pending Closure." Instead, I found a note from the auditor - the whole request had been done incorrectly, and the ensuing steps to correct it took all day - and most of the night.

The problem? The first validator didn't quite know what to look for, and therefore okayed the import template. Once the data was imported, it of course generated incorrect data. To the untrained eye, the data looked correct. However, to the more experienced auditor, it was wrong and had to be redone.

And of course, these things never go smoothly. The tools wouldn't work. Canceling the parts became a nightmare as the import tools kept generating errors. I ended up crying out of frustration - thankfully not at my desk and not in the bathroom - I was lucky enough to find an empty office, closed the door, and stayed in there until I could compose myself.

In the light of a new day, I hate myself a little for getting that frustrated. But I did, and now I just need to move on.

The day was probably a little more tension filled than normal anyway because another new person on my team was let go. I have a feeling it wasn't due to performance - he kept taking days off to go to other interviews. Still, it's always unnerving to have someone fired, especially on a day when nothing is going right and I couldn't look at myself and say, "At least my performance is good." Yesterday, it wasn't.

Again, I know the fault wasn't entirely mine. The import never should have passed validation in the first place. But it did, and the time it took to fix the request meant it wasn't finished on time, which will cause another slight in metrics.

I'll take my cue from the card: the sun is gone for now, but it'll be back. I'll hold on the the promise that positive energies are not completely gone and wait for the clouds to part. Until then, I may just need to be patient and realize that not every day can be a winner.

The Bad Guy

Two years ago, I had this little nugget of an idea for a group of women. I knew I wanted to call it The Black Hat Society. I also knew I would prefer it to be a women-only group. And… I knew I wanted the group to be mostly for older women who practiced magic. And to me, that was the key: I wanted real practitioners – not dabblers or wannabes or those with only a passing interest.

A close friend of mine hashed out details with me. She had a few ideas, and added to my own the “Black Hat Society – Reno” was born. I put a lot of time into organizing that first meeting. I advertised everywhere I could think of. When it finally came time for the first meeting, I was nervous – would anyone besides my friend show up?

We were pleasantly surprised – we had a modest attendance at that very first meeting. And with the exception of one woman who moved away, and another who just never came again, the women have stayed. And we grew – we’re not big, but we’ve managed to keep our numbers about the same month after month after month.

I feel as if I’ve been lucky in that the woman who have become members are women I adore. They’re nice. They contribute, both their time and sometimes their homes. But as with any fringe group, there are bound to be a few infiltrators that come in that don’t fit in.

A few months ago, we had a monthly open meeting and not one, not two, but three women came who had never been before. And I can honestly say I didn’t want any of them there. Ever. Again.

One woman was actually a man, I think. Well, that’s the general consensus, anyway. And he/she spoke a lot about sex – about wanting it, about getting it, about missing it. Another was new to the Craft – and it was doubtful she even practiced. She just decided one day that she wanted to be a witch, and boom, showed up at our meeting. The third, well, I’ve come in contact with her at other meetings around town – she’s a dabbler. She might actually practice magic, but she doesn’t really stick to any one group. She flits around and while nice, is kind of flaky.

The list for the group is private. I don’t invite people to join unless they are actual members. So, I made up my mind that night that I was not going to invite these women to join. While they all gave me their email addresses, in fact, pressed me to take them, I didn’t invite them to join. Thankfully, they’ve never returned to an open meeting.

Around the same time, another woman came to try us out. She moved here from Oregon and practices green magic. She’s into herbs and global warming and cleaning the house with herbal concoctions instead of store bought substances. In Oregon, she was in charge of several groups. So while I found her to be nice, I also watched as she subtly took over the meeting with her own agenda.

She came to a few meetings, and I was never quite happy with having her as part of the group. She could monopolize the conversation. She ws so used to being in charge that it was difficult for her to let someone else facilitate. Still, the other women seemed to like her so I made sure to include her. At some point she dropped out, and after several unanswered emails from me asking her if she was going to return, I took her off the list and breathed a sigh of relief. I had done my due diligence – she didn’t respond, and I felt my obligation was over with.

Flash forward a few more months. She started her own group and her own herbal institute. But now that she’s trying to get members, who does she come back to? That’s right: BHS. She first found out she was no longer a member when she tried to post an advertisement for her own group to our list and wasn’t able to. That’s when she contacted me and asked me to advertise for her.

I did not. But because I felt a little bad for her, (after all, I remembered what it is like to start a group from scratch) I did announce her new group at our next monthly meeting, just in case someone was interested. They all said they weren’t, and so that was that.

Kind of.

Her group is slow growing, so she is reaching out to me again. She came to our open meeting last night, and has been hounding me since to join our mailing group. Last night she asked if she could post her own stuff to our group. I hesitated. It felt like everyone turned to me, and not knowing how to say “no” nicely in such a public forum, I said, “sshhhhhure.”

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning because I absolutely do not want her pushing her green agenda in my group. It’s great that she believes. It’s great that she has her own thing. But that’s not our thing. And my group is not an advertising venue. So I know I’ve got to regroup and say “no.”

I’ve also got another member I’ve got to deal with as well. It’s been on my mind for a long time, but the time has come for me to take a stand. I hate being the bad guy. However, I guess part of being a leader is making those hard decisions. No one really likes to do it – I found this out the hard way when I thought I’d have to leave Reno and I asked the group if anyone would like to step up and take over. No one did. You see, most people just like to follow. I can’t fault ‘em for that – it’s easy to follow. To have the schedule made out for you. To have someone else worry about scheduling and coming up with topics and teaching classes and dealing with the occasional oddball who crosses our paths.

And so here I am, filled with the knowledge that I have to do the hard thing. It’s the right thing in the long run, but hard to do. As my instructor would say, everything has a price. The price for keeping the integrity of the group is being the bad guy, and like it or not, I know I am willing to pay the price.

Verdict

Actually, I think the jury's still out - not on the date, per se, but on how many dates will follow.

Don't get me wrong - the date was nice. He was gentlemanly and paid a lot of attention to me. He said a lot of the right things. But, he also said a lot of the wrong things. He's kind of crude. Has an odd sense of humor. On top of that, he tells the corniest jokes I ever heard outside of the Merv Griffin show.

But he brought me flowers. And he said things like "You're the prettiest woman in this restaurant," and "I like that you're smart." He told me I could have anything I wanted - even the most expensive thing on the menu (but homey don't roll that way). We shared our food. We talked about a lot of different things. He didn't talk over me like my last date constantly did.

When he asked me if I'd like to do it again, I said yes. Why not? I had no real reason to say no.

And that's not to sound callous - I felt the same after my first date with Todd, and look, we lasted almost eleven full years. So I guess you could say that this bodes well.

In some ways, he's a lot of things I don't want in a partner: he's a full foot taller than me. He's ten years older than me. He used to be a pothead. He's been married THREE times before. He doesn't really like alcohol. He likes to take life slow.

I prefer guys around my height. I tend to like 'em younger, or right around my age. I've never done drugs in my life. I've never been married before. And while I wouldn't say I take life "fast," I do live a fairly active lifestyle - classes, outings with friends, activities, BHS, Hot Stix - I'm always doing something. Unless I'm not. But most of the time I am.

Then again, focusing on our differences might be a moot point. After all, opposites attract. I know that too well - and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Not at all.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

I have a date on Saturday night. It'll be my first date since my mom died. It's weird to me how life just goes on without her.

I'm really looking forward to this date, and not for the usual reasons. I can find every reason in the book NOT to like this guy. He's ten years older than me - I tend to like 'em around my age. He once told me he could never date me, because I'm a witch. He's a foot taller than me - I like 'em short.He's corny, and I prefer sarcasm.

But...

I dunno. I sense he is a good man. He called several times this week while I was sick just to see if I needed anything. He actually wants to come pick me up for our date, you know, like how it used to happen in the good old days. And he made plans, but gave me veto power after saying, "Whatever you want. Always."

I dunno what might be going through your brain as you read this, but as for me, I think this bodes well for the future.

The Friday Five

1)I discovered that busy weeks don’t fill up the emptiness inside of me.

2)The saying “Be careful what you wish for because it might come true” resonated deeply with me this week. Don’t get me wrong - I love my new hours – however, getting out the door by 7:30 a.m. is proving to be a huge problem for a girl who spent the last year staying up until the wee hours and sleeping in late.

3)Speaking of my new improved work hours, I was able to make free drinks night on Wednesday at GSR this week – the first time in two months. Spent some time with girlfriends and had a nice time.

4)Just when I thought it was safe to wear sweaters and long sleeved shirts, my hot flashes came back. Before you know it, I’ll be stripping in public again. Thank God I don’t go commando.

5)I didn’t make it to the gym at all this week. Twice I even changed into sweats, and drove out of the community – but still didn’t find myself on the elliptical. Did I get lost? Or did I just fizzle out? I dunno – but my hips are really mad at me this week, so I might have to placate them with a trip to the gym this weekend.

More Questions Than Anwers

Last year at this same time, I started dating The Sailor. We dated for about two months, and then he left for sea. He told me at the beginning that he didn't want anything serious. That worked for me, as I had just broken up with the X-Factor and wasn't sure I wanted anything serious, either.

We spent two months together - kind of always doing the same thing. Dinner, movies at his place, and then some naked time. Believe me that when I say "naked time" it was only naked time - we didn't do anything. Not for lack of trying - but he seemed to kind of peter out in that department (pardon the obvious pun).

I liked him. He treated me with respect, he was of high moral character, and if he said he'd call, he would call. When he left for sea, he said "let's keep in touch and see what happens." We did - and nothing much happened.

He came back into town in August and called me up. He asked me out to dinner. We had a nice dinner out, went to Hot August Nights, and then (since I was driving) back to his place. As we parked, he said "I'd invite you in, but I got back with my ex-girlfriend so I can't." And that was kind of that.

I told him not to feel weird about it - I could tell he did. I was glad he told me in person, although some of my friends were all "WTF?" I dunno - maybe it's because I know him, but I knew that he felt it the right thing to do to tell me in person, so I did not take offense at all.

I did feel a little sad, but not majorly so. I mean, this was a casual relationship at best. Nothing deep, and not a whole lot invested, other than some time.

He said we'd keep in touch, but it really kind of dropped off after the girlfriend bomb was exploded. So imagine my surprise when a couple of weeks ago I returned home to find a message from him on my machine. He'd been in town and called me to take me out to dinner. Unfortunately for me, I missed out. But I called him back and he said next time he came to town he'd give me a "shout."

True to his word, he called me Thursday saying that he knew it was short notice, but he was flying in on Friday night - if I picked him up at the airport, he'd promise he'd make it worth my while. I said yes, and plans were made.

I picked him up, we went to Claim Jumper, and had a nice time. We sat and talked over dinner - and he told me some stuff going on with his job and his career. I was a little surprised at how much he divulged, only because we always kind of kept it light before.

After dinner, I took him home and he invited me in. Huh? I was confused. I told him that I was sure he probably just wanted to get settled, and he said yes and no - that I was welcome to come in. I declined. I don't know why I did - but I did.

I should have simply asked him about his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or whatever. I didn't, so now it's the next day and I'm not sure what it was all about. He said he would like to see me again this weekend, and I said I would love to see him as well. So there's that to maybe look forward to.

I kind of wish I had said yes, but I kind of am glad I said no. I guess you could say I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not. It would have been nice to go in and see what was up. Then again, I'm not sure I'm ready for disappointment yet.

Still, he did send me a quick email to let me know it had been nice to see me again so I took the opportunity to tell him I always enjoy his company. And that's true - I always have. It's been nice and easy-going and consistently pleasant.

I just wish I knew what he had in mind so I could proceed without caution.

The One That Got Away

The other day I picked up a magazine and there was an article in it about “the one that got away.” Both women and men told their sob stories on how someone special got away. Well, I’ve got news for you criers: There’s a reason the person “got away.” It’s because they weren’t the one. So stop yer cryin’ and get on with life.

I guess this article hit a nerve because I went through my own period of remorse after breaking up with the X-Factor. But serious introspection showed me that we really weren’t each other’s “one.” Of course, I’m not convinced his new gal is his “one” either, but that’s not my problem and I shouldn’t even be going there. The truth is, if I was his “one,” he would have treated me better. If he was my one, well… I don’t know, honestly. I think I did my best – and maybe that’s where people get hung up. Just because you might feel someone is your “one,” that doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual. And that alone means the person isn’t “the one” for you (or me, as the case might be).

My point is: There’s a reason they got away. They were never really yours in the first place. As King James might say, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Instead of looking at these old romances as “the one who got away,” I encourage us all to look instead at them for what they really are: important people in our lives. After all, we learned something from the one who got away, didn’t we? We either learned something important about ourselves, about the world, about relationships in general.

The relationships we had with these people – no matter how short-lived – left a lasting impression for a reason. I don’t believe that reason is so that we can pine away focused on unrequited love. The reason is so much deeper than that – so instead of crying, celebrate. Celebrate that you are in a different place because of that person. You have a different outlook. You learned something new – about the world, about relationships, about yourself.

So the one that got away? Not at all. That person is with you much more than you’ve been aware of – and that’s a good thing.

No More Crying

Today’s tarot card: Eight of Cups

In search of something missing in life. Searching for a piece of the puzzle to a loving relationship or fulfilling life. A person in search of loving partner. Patterns have been repeated only to give same outcome. A letting go. Going forth alone to find happiness and fulfillment. Improvement of a difficult situation. New hope and vitality. Weariness and apathy.

I haven’t been paying much attention lately to my “tarot card of the day” app. However, when I took a quick look at today’s, it really hit home.

I don’t know why, but I’ve had Todd on the brain. It’s over. It’s been over. We haven’t even spoken since September. But… yeah. I hate it when this happens. When I’m brushing my teeth and think of a lie I caught him in. When I’m washing my face and think of the betrayal. When I’m putting my shirt on and break down and cry.

It’s over.

Why am I going backwards?

It could be because Valentine’s Day is approaching. And while this normally wouldn’t put me over the edge, it was two days after Valentine’s that we broke up last year. For good. It was when he told me he had plans with Kim instead of me for Valentine’s Day that I realized we were no longer “redefining our relationship” as he put it – “working on our relationship” was how I put it. The vernacular didn’t matter – whatever we called it, it wasn’t happening any more. Time to call it quits and move on.

Let’s face it: last year was a year of loss. I am grieving many losses – so perhaps I should be gentler with myself when I find myself going backwards. The thing is, I’ve always been tough on myself. I expect a lot from myself. Growth, for instance. I do not want to be that girl who can’t get past the loss of someone. I’ve never been her before, and I don’t want to be her now.

And so… I think of my relationship with the Eight of Cups. I guess I am searching. More than that, I am moving forward. Letting go. Or at least, that’s what I’m doing on my good days.

Saturday will be a day of cleansing. I am taking down my Christmas tree. Putting away the decorations. Straightening up the house. And when it’s all done, I’ll sage my home. Clear out the bad vibes. Make way for the good.

As I was telling myself this morning: Baby, it’s a new year. Keep on keepin’ on. Smile, and the world smiles with you. At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

The Friday Five

1) This was my first full work week in over a year. It was long, it was hard, and it felt damn nice to be there.

2) Some things take longer to forget than others.

3) I wish Donald Dishman would stop giving out my phone number as if it was his. I am tired of yelling at his bill collectors.

4) I've missed quite a few people this week. Just call me your melancholy baby.

5) Just as I started to think I was "getting it" at work, I learned that really isn't true - but at least they haven't given up on me yet!

Cutbacks

I’m cutting back on coffee again. Not that I’m a caffeine addict or anything – however, Dr. Atkins believed that caffeine could interfere with weight loss, and so I’m cutting back to one cup a day (from two). Not sure if it’s necessary – after all, because of a bad case of reflux I can’t drink “real” coffee. So I drink Kava, a low-acid instant coffee an old boss of mine turned me on to. Being instant, I don’t believe it has the caffeine punch of regular coffee… still, I have cut down.

I got into the habit of drinking an afternoon cup of coffee when I was not working. My sleep schedule was off kilter and so when the late afternoon hit, I would find myself ready for a nap. Instead of napping and risking throwing my sleep schedule off even more, I would fix a cup of Kava. This started off as an occasional thing, then a more frequent thing, and then a regular thing. Soon, I found it a habit – at approximately 2 p.m. every day, I would stop whatever I was doing an head for the kitchen. I heated the water, measured out the coffee and cream, and in two minutes and thirty seconds I was enjoying my second cup of coffee of the day.

During my “time off,” I gained weight. Strange, since I was going to the gym. Well… actually, probably not as often as I should have. Or could have, given the circumstances. I guess laying around the house in my pajamas bemoaning my circumstances didn’t do much good for my metabolism. Or, if Dr. Atkins was correct, having that second cup of coffee everyday didn’t help either. So here I am, muddling through the day on one cup of coffee. I haven’t noticed a difference in my weight yet, but I do have great hope that I will.

Of course, sometimes all one simply has to do is get off one’s ass and get to the gym. I’ll try that next month.

Hump Day Ramblings

I swear it feels as if I haven't had one cohesive thought today. My mind has jumped around all day, and it all started when I was in the car driving to work. At a stop light, and seemingly from nowhere, I thought of my mom. I realized that next week will be three months since her death, and I started to cry.

When I say that thought came from nowhere, it really did. I had just finished singing a song on the radio - one that didn't remind me of her at all. The next thing I know, this thought popped into my head and the water works began.

I composed myself before getting on the freeway, and made it to work on time and with most of my eyeliner still intact. At work, I tackled a training exercise given to me yesterday - one that was difficult and had gotten stuck on. I told myself I was going to clear my mind and just get through it. Just as I was starting to clear my mind, one of my co-workers called me over. He wanted to show me a request he was working on.

So, my mind wasn't cleared after all - just simply refocused. While it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, it still worked. I went back into my cubical and started back on my project.

At some point, it finally started to make sense. I was so happy - I still had to muddle through it kind of slowly, but I noticed I was getting the hang of it. I even used a vlookup to check data, and it worked.

Even though my mind jumped around a bit at work, it jumped around on work related topics, so it was all good, that is, until I got into the car to go home. Now, while I was walking to my car (in the dark), I felt good about my day. It was the first time since I started there that I felt like "Hey, I'm gonna get this!" I got into the car and headed towards home...but was sidetracked by Goodwill.

I wasn't gonna stop. Then I was gonna stop. Then I wasn't. Then I was. Then I was off the freeway, headed towards Goodwill. I was about to park, when a cat jumped in front of my car to grab some food. Huh?

I backed up, he ran away. I pulled in, and went after him. Poor little kitten - looked extremely cute, but wouldn't come out from underneath a car. I talked to him, he talked back. I wanted to get him, because he didn't run well - I thought he was injured. He kept talking, and next thing I knew, he ran back towards my car to get the food. I never saw this "food," but I know it was there. It was probably something from McDonald's (which is in the same shopping center).

Once it became clear I wasn't going to get the cat, I went into the store and looked around. Once again I was hit with memories of my mom - I thought of something silly - how for the last few months before she died, she really wanted a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Now, you know, it's one of those things I know I've seen a hundred times at garage sales and thrift stores, but the minute she wanted one, I couldn't find one anywhere.

And I looked.

I had gotten into the habit of looking at dolls at Goodwill to see if I could find one, but of course I've stopped now. But the thought of that hit me so hard - just "Why couldn't I have found one before she died? Why couldn't she have one before she passed away?" I felt myself tear up again, and realized it was time to go.

One more time I scoured the parking lot for the kitten. I looked under my car. I walked a bit around looking for it. I couldn't find it. I was disappointed - not because I want another cat because I don't - but because I just don't think it was in good shape and it really needed some care.

Now I'm home and I'm restless. My mind goes from one thing to another - some things I am not ready to talk about, even here. Other things are just silly and strange and kind of random. I'm wondering if I'll get any sleep tonight, because my mind just doesn't seem to want to quit.

If it weren't for the fact that I have the beginnings of a migraine, I would down some alcohol to insure a fast getaway into dreamland. Looks like I'll have to do it the hard way or not at all.

The Best and the Worst

I wish I could remember when I was so glad to see a year die, but unfortunately I remember the year: 1987. It was the year that I was attacked in my apartment and almost raped. The year hadn't been any better before that point, and it certainly got worse afterward. I look at that year as the year when I realized bad things could happen - and honestly, nothing was quite the same after that.

As the years have gone by, they've been a mix of both good and bad. I can honestly say that before 1987, most of my adult years could be classified as "good." After 1987, I counted it a great year if the good outweighed the bad.

But 2009 has nothing on 1987 - nothing. This has been, by far, the worst year I've been through. However, as nothing is truly ever bad, I've highlighted some of the good things as well.

The Best of 2009

1) Living on my own - again. It's been years since I've been living in my own home. Granted, I bought this home about two years ago, but didn't really live in it on my own until a year ago. Before that, I was still spending time at the X-Factor's house - both with him and without (as I was still dog sitting when he went away on long trips). While I do believe I would like to eventually live with someone again - preferably married this time - I do enjoy having a house to myself.

2) Friends. If it weren't for some of my friends, I have no idea how I would have made it through the year with my sanity intact. There were so many instances when I thought I couldn't make it through another day and I'd get a call or an offer for a night out, and I knew I'd be okay...again.

3) Family. While my mom is no longer living, it is because of her and my dad's generosity that I was able to stay in my home this past year. Unemployment would not have paid the bills - if it weren't for a gift from my folks, I would have lost the home I so love and enjoy.

The Worst of 2009

1.) Unemployment. I was laid off in December of 2008, and spent all of 2009 looking for work. I didn't even get my first interview until April or May of 2009 - and after that, it was a series of rejection after rejection. As someone who has been working in some form or fashion since the age of 8, being jobless for a whole year was one of the worst things that has happened to me - ever.

2) My break-up. This is a hard one to talk about - even now. I don't know if I can even sum it up succinctly. Suffice it to say that as time went on, I realized that I was probably being cheated on long before I ever caught on. I should have left years ago - so I'm just as mad at myself as I am at him, if not more. For the most part, I have forgiven myself and am moving forward - but sometimes I still like to beat myself up over it.

3) My mom's death. I knew my mom wasn't doing well, but I had no idea how unwell she really was. Her death hit me hard - and I understand from talking to friends who have lost their mom's that the hurt and emptiness really never goes away. My only hope is that it will get easier with time.

4) Bad behavior. I don't know if it was the year's bad mojo or if people just went a little wacko this year, but I was on the receiving end of some really bad crap. Four make it to the top of the list - mostly because I encountered several sleepless nights over them:

A) Lost a friendship that had lasted over 20 years. I'm still not entirely sure what happened here - if you listened to his side of the story, you'd wonder why he was ever my friend in the first place. His nasty email which notified me that our friendship was severed spewed hate-induced venom and I'm not sure what I did to deserve that.

B) Lost a new friendship. This one shouldn't hurt me as much as it does, because 1) she hadn't been in my life long and 2) she was kind of crazy, anyway. Still, it did and to this day I still work at mending the fence, but I fear it has been torn down for good.

C) Internet stalker. You know, this is one of those things Dateline warns about but you think it will never happen to you. Well, guess again. I've been dealing with this guy for months now, and he still hasn't stopped. He also harasses my online friends, and poses as me while he does it. The ones who are stupid fall for it. The smart ones know it's him. Either way, it has strained some of my relationships and I am sometimes afraid I'll never shake this guy.

D) Sympathy card from the X-factor's fiance. Yeah, you read that right - the girl who won't allow him to contact me and threw a fit any time I called him sent me a card signed by the both of them. Why he would ever think this was a good idea is still beyond my reach. "Oh yes, honey, I know how you've made your hate for her clear in the past, but I think sending her this sympathy card from the both of us would be an excellent idea." Ugh.

I've been sitting here thinking "There has to be a five..." but I guess not, seeing as the bad behavior category kind of encompasses a lot of random bad crap, including Boner Fest 2009, formerly known as the November Cupid Birthday Bash. I didn't go into details on that one...but it does fall under the Bad Behavior category quite well.

Yes, 2009, I am so glad you are gone. "A good riddance to bad rubbish." 2010 is going to be better, dammit - I demand it!

Good-bye 2009, Hello 2010

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Had a one night stand.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make resolutions - that way, I have nothing to break!

3. Did anyone close to you die?
My mom. I still can't believe she's gone

4. What countries did you visit?
The Republic of California

5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Money! Okay, and maybe a boyfriend. Or a boy toy. Or some sort of male thing-a-ma-jiggy.

6. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 10th, because that was the day my mom died.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not committing suicide.

And in case you think that's a joke, it really isn't.

8. What was your biggest failure?
I can't help but think I failed as a daughter. I knew my mom was sick, but admittedly not as sick as she apparently was. Still, I should have known my parents were keeping something from me and I should have spent more time with them last year.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
In this area, I was blessed - I was pretty healthy this past year. The two health issues I had, I was able to take care of with OTC meds.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Just one thing? I had so much luck at Goodwill this year - I found a lot of books on witchcraft and a couple of really cool tarot decks. Plus, with my dad's help I just got a Wii this week! I haven't set it up yet, but I can't hardly wait to do so!

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend, Denise's. She was a true friend when I needed one the most.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't like the word "made." No one can make me feel something. Yet on the other hand, their actions can trigger a reaction in me. However, there were some people I encountered whose behaviors appalled me, especially my "friend" Colleen.

I was also appalled at my own behavior with a someone. I apologized, yet I still haven't totally forgiven myself for it.

As for depressed... yeah, I had that, too. But I don't want to talk about it any more.

13. Where did most of your money go?
Mortage, bills, food and a couple of emergency repairs (house, car, etc.).

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This was not a year of excitement for me, so using the "really really" doesn't apply. However, I enjoyed seeing Joel McHale at the Silver Legacy, and also was pretty excited about the Black Hat Society's annual participation in the October Wine Walk. Witches Rule!

15. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
"Good-bye to you" by Scandal. Yes, I know it wasn't released this year - but it will remind me of this 2009 for years to come.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Happier.

ii. Thinner or fatter? Guess.

iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer, dangnamit.

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading for fun. Spending time at the park. Having sex.

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Hibernating.

19. How will you be spending Christmas?
Hopefully with my dad, if the weather holds up.

20. How will you be spending New Years?
New Year's Day will be spent with my covenmates.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.

22. How many one night stands?
One.

23. What were your favorite TV programs?
Cougar Town. Life. Life on Mars. Medium. The Big Bang Theory.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't tend to "hate" people. There is someone I really dislike, though!

25. What was the best book you read?
Whistling in the Dark by Lesley Kagen.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pink (I know - she's been around for a while, but I've been listening to talk radio for the last five years or so!).

27. What did you want and get?
A job.

28. What did you want and not get?
A loving relationship with a guy.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
It's a tie between "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Julie and Julia."

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my birthday, I was fortunate to be able to spend it with my dad in California. We went to the flea market and then to my favorite book store, Half Price Books. As for my age - who knows? I've been lying about it for so long, I'm not sure I really even know any more.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A lot of things - but if I were to narrow it down to just one thing, I'd say "a job."

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Sweats and pajamas, and sometimes the two were mixed together.

33. What kept you sane?
Exercise, wine, classes and my friends. I have to say, I have some really excellent friends. God has blessed me richly in that department.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
It's probably still Chef Colicchio from Top Chef, although if I were younger, I am sure I'd be pining over Daniel Radcliffe.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Government bailouts.

36. Who did you miss?
My mom.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Suz. While technically I met her in July of 2008, we didn't see each other again until January of 2009. We really hit it off, and she has become one of my closest friends since then.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Let people help. I have been independent for so long - I hate asking people for help. But this year, I had to - and I was surprised at how much people - well those close to me, anyway - not just wanted to help, but actually put their money where their mouths were and sprung into action.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."
--Counting Crows

And the future?


In 2010...
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Hopefully, no. I have every reason to believe this temp job will morph into something more permanent. It feels like a good fit, and I absolutely already love three of my co-workers.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Duh. Of course!

3. New house?
Hopefully not!

4. What will you do different in 2010?
I don't know if there's something in particular I feel that I have to do differently. I will continue to work on myself, to grow, to learn, to strive to be a contributing member of society. I am sure I will still have my foibles and my limitations, however I will continue to move forward, just as I have always done.

5. New Years resolution?
I don't make New Years' resolutions.

6. What will you not be doing in 2010?
One thing I definitely will not be doing in 2010 is having a baby! Other than that, who knows? "Never say never!" After all, I said I'd never have a one night stand, and now look at me, sullied, disheveled and satisfied!

7. Any trips planned?
No trips planned, but I would love to get to Carmel again this year.

8. Wedding plans?
WTF?

9. Major thing(s) on your agenda?
Nope.

10. What can't you wait for?
Spring.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I would like to see government voting differently, planning differently, and organizing differently - I am so afraid of the direction our country is going.


12. What about yourself will you be changing?
This is a secret.

13. What happened in 09 that you didn't think would ever happen?
I didn't get a job until my unemployment ran out. I sincerely thought I'd only be out of a job for 3 months - 4 months tops. I never EVER thought I'd be out of work for a year.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I think I'm pretty nice as it is, but I would certainly hope I'd be nicer. After all, becoming softer and more aware and nicer is hopefully part of the evolution process as we age.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 09?
Oh yes, most definitely. Pajamas and sweats aren't welcome at acme digital services!

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I already drink, so starting is moot. I will not quit because I do not drink too much. I pretty much only have a glass or two of wine on the weekends (and Corona Light in the summer) is a nice way to end a day. And there are some weeks I don't crack open anything at all - yet other weeks when a six pack just doesn't seem like it's going to be enough (it always is - but still I worry!).

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
There's really only my dad, and I think we have a good relationship. However, again as he is lonely since my mom died, I will strive to spend more time with him.

18. Will you do charity work?
I would love to, but honestly? Probably not.

19. Will you go to bars?
Hmmm... It's not like I hang out in them now. I am sure that in the year 2010, I will go to at least one bar at some point in time.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Why? What's in it for me?

(I'm joking!)

21. Do you expect 2010 to be a good year for you?
I actually do. I feel like I am coming out of a dark tunnel and emerging into the light.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I changed a lot. One of the things I feared most in life happened: unemployment. I have been working since I was 10 years old. I never thought there'd be a time when I wouldn't be able to find work. But it happened, and it changed me. It showed me that yes, it could happen to me. It showed me that I could rely on people - and the Universe. And it showed me that there is a chink in my armor - not sure I wanted to know that, but I do, and it's changed me.

My mom's death also changed me. It showed me that there is no going back - no changing things.

The loss of my 11-year-old relationship also changed me. I'm still not quite sure how - I guess I'm figuring that one out still. In some areas, the loss changed me in welcome ways: I feel freer and more like myself once again. In other areas, well, let's just leave that unsaid for now.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Fuck no!

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope to God I will be - and I hope to add some more to the mix.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Maybe one.

26. Will you be moving?
I do not think so.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 10 that happened in 09?
I will not gain another 10 pounds.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I have absolutely no idea.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Probably not.

30. One wish for 2010?
To continue to be gainfully employed.

First Week

Well my first week on the new job is over with. Okay, it wasn't a complete week - but it sure felt like it! So much to learn. So much to take in. So many people to know.

However, I think I am going to really like it there. For one, it really is pretty much a paperless office. Our area doesn't deal with paper at all. The only paper I have are some handouts from training and my notepad. Everything else is on the computer. Such a new concept for me!

Secondly, I already love three of my co-workers: D, A, and M. These three guys have been so helpful and nice. If they weren't about 15 years younger than all of my friends, I'd be hookin' those bad boys up with some sistahs!

Again, the money is not good especially for the types of skills the job calls for. Still, it seems a given that, unless one totally screws up, the temps do get hired on. Everyone I met was a temp at some time, as that's the company's policy: to hire temps, train, and then bring them on board.

The only thing I don't like is the placement of the bathrooms. I have to go to the back of the offices, leave, then go through the energy company's hallway to finally get to the restroom. It's a long haul - not that I oppose to walking - but you know, it's kind of inconvenient that there aren't bathrooms located in our part of the facility.

I am still getting used to the hours (9:30 a.m. - 6 p.m.). This is an awkward shift to work. I can't run errands before work, and by the time I get off, most places are closed (except for dept. stores and grocery stores). Don't have enough time to run errands at lunch, because we only get 30 minutes.

I'll have to figure out how to navigate these hours more successfully, as by the time I go grocery shopping or whatever after work, I get home at almost 8 p.m. That's hecka late for dinner, and then in another hour or two it's bedtime. Yes, I'll have to figure out a better system!

However, I am blissfully happy to be working and learning and feeling like a productive member of society once again. I am very thankful to have this job, and I have a feeling it's going to be a very good fit.

The Wisdom of Avalon

The Wisdom of Avalon is an oracle deck by Colette Baron-Reid, and I used this deck a lot after I was laid off last December.

Today I pulled a card to see what I could expect today from my new job: the card is Birth/Rebirth. Some highlights from the card's meaning:

Rejoice for spring is in the air and you're beginning again. This marker bodes well for any new project, endeavor, relationship, or idea to take shape and be birthed into the world.

This marker reminds you that the process leading up to a birth can feel cumbersome, restrictive, painful and never-ending, yet the final shift brings an extraordinary gift of new life, a new vision born of surrender, and a total release. Know you've come far and are at a place to celebrate your ideas and all things anew.

It has been a long, restrictive and painful road. And like any birth/rebirth, there is a learning curve. I must first learn to walk before I can run. Still, it's nice to know I finally received my walking shoes.

The First

Friday morning, I left to go visit my dad for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. This was my first birthday since my mom's death. I knew it would feel incomplete. My dad knew it would feel incomplete. But - we celebrated, anyway.

We got through Friday night by watching a movie I rented: the remake of Pelham 1-2-3. I never saw the original, but I have to say this version was entertaining. If there's one thing John Travolta can do, it's play crazy well.

Saturday was my birthday. I woke up feeling some trepidation - but my dad and I had plans for the morning to keep us busy. We went to the flea market, then off to my favorite store (Half Price Books, where I got a great deal on a tarot deck), and then to lunch. So far, so good.

We went home, and it was time for gifts and pie. I knew opening my gifts would be difficult, because the gifts were things my mom ordered from catalogs for me when she was bedridden. In other words, the gifts were from her, but she wasn't there to celebrate with me.

All the gifts touched me, but two stood out: a copper wall hanging of a pentacle next to a moon, and the Jessica Galbreth's Enchanted Oracle. My mom picked these out of my favorite "witchy" catalog without any hints from me at all. My mom was so supportive of my alternative life path - much more so than she was when I was following the independent fundamentalist Baptist path I was on when I was in my 20's. In fact, after I became born again, she told me I was not allowed to talk about God and stuff in her house. I think it relieved her greatly when I chose a different path later in life.

After my dad and I shed a few tears, we put "House of Wax" (from the clearance rack at Half Price Books) into the DVD player. Nothing can get rid of tears faster than Paris Hilton in a shriek fest. Again, this is a movie to which I hadn't seen the original, but as scary movies go, this one was good - and of course, pretty gory and quite frightening - at least to me.

It was difficult to say good-bye to my dad this afternoon. He started to cry when I left - and he hadn't done that since I was 17-years-old and on my way to boot camp. I know he must feel so alone there, surrounded by so much that reminds him of my mom. After all, he met her when he was 18 years old, and had been with her ever since.

And so the first celebration has come and gone without my mom. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't complete. However, I still felt her love and that certainly helped more than it hurt.

So Fresh To God

My mom died a month ago. I have so much sadness inside regarding that, and I'm not even sure how to express it. One saying that keeps running around in my head is this:

"I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens

What grabs me is the "so fresh from God" part. That certainly describes the gift of birth - but what about death? "So fresh to God" is more apropos there. I feel that she is now fresh to God; it's as if I can still feel her here, and yet feel her gone as well.

Soon I will no longer feel her here. I look at some of the things I use in my daily life. Just today I used a notepad which she had put in my stocking last year. I just finished a bottle of water from a case she had bought for me before she went into the hospital. One day soon, those things will all be gone and I'll no longer have much tangible evidence of her existence - only memories.

I can remember sitting with her that last night at the hospital. I held one of her hands, and my dad held the other. Every once in awhile she would come out of her morphine stupor and say "Oh Pam" or "Oh John." Sometimes she would simply wake up and say "I love you." I can remember her voice, heavy with drugs. But will I remember it in a month? In a year? I hope so, because my greatest fear is that I'll begin to forget those things that were so clearly a part of her: her voice. Her eyes. Her laugh.

I don't want to forget. I want to hold on for dear life.