Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Hump Day Ramblings

I swear it feels as if I haven't had one cohesive thought today. My mind has jumped around all day, and it all started when I was in the car driving to work. At a stop light, and seemingly from nowhere, I thought of my mom. I realized that next week will be three months since her death, and I started to cry.

When I say that thought came from nowhere, it really did. I had just finished singing a song on the radio - one that didn't remind me of her at all. The next thing I know, this thought popped into my head and the water works began.

I composed myself before getting on the freeway, and made it to work on time and with most of my eyeliner still intact. At work, I tackled a training exercise given to me yesterday - one that was difficult and had gotten stuck on. I told myself I was going to clear my mind and just get through it. Just as I was starting to clear my mind, one of my co-workers called me over. He wanted to show me a request he was working on.

So, my mind wasn't cleared after all - just simply refocused. While it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, it still worked. I went back into my cubical and started back on my project.

At some point, it finally started to make sense. I was so happy - I still had to muddle through it kind of slowly, but I noticed I was getting the hang of it. I even used a vlookup to check data, and it worked.

Even though my mind jumped around a bit at work, it jumped around on work related topics, so it was all good, that is, until I got into the car to go home. Now, while I was walking to my car (in the dark), I felt good about my day. It was the first time since I started there that I felt like "Hey, I'm gonna get this!" I got into the car and headed towards home...but was sidetracked by Goodwill.

I wasn't gonna stop. Then I was gonna stop. Then I wasn't. Then I was. Then I was off the freeway, headed towards Goodwill. I was about to park, when a cat jumped in front of my car to grab some food. Huh?

I backed up, he ran away. I pulled in, and went after him. Poor little kitten - looked extremely cute, but wouldn't come out from underneath a car. I talked to him, he talked back. I wanted to get him, because he didn't run well - I thought he was injured. He kept talking, and next thing I knew, he ran back towards my car to get the food. I never saw this "food," but I know it was there. It was probably something from McDonald's (which is in the same shopping center).

Once it became clear I wasn't going to get the cat, I went into the store and looked around. Once again I was hit with memories of my mom - I thought of something silly - how for the last few months before she died, she really wanted a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Now, you know, it's one of those things I know I've seen a hundred times at garage sales and thrift stores, but the minute she wanted one, I couldn't find one anywhere.

And I looked.

I had gotten into the habit of looking at dolls at Goodwill to see if I could find one, but of course I've stopped now. But the thought of that hit me so hard - just "Why couldn't I have found one before she died? Why couldn't she have one before she passed away?" I felt myself tear up again, and realized it was time to go.

One more time I scoured the parking lot for the kitten. I looked under my car. I walked a bit around looking for it. I couldn't find it. I was disappointed - not because I want another cat because I don't - but because I just don't think it was in good shape and it really needed some care.

Now I'm home and I'm restless. My mind goes from one thing to another - some things I am not ready to talk about, even here. Other things are just silly and strange and kind of random. I'm wondering if I'll get any sleep tonight, because my mind just doesn't seem to want to quit.

If it weren't for the fact that I have the beginnings of a migraine, I would down some alcohol to insure a fast getaway into dreamland. Looks like I'll have to do it the hard way or not at all.

No comments: