Thursday, January 14, 2010

No More Crying

Today’s tarot card: Eight of Cups

In search of something missing in life. Searching for a piece of the puzzle to a loving relationship or fulfilling life. A person in search of loving partner. Patterns have been repeated only to give same outcome. A letting go. Going forth alone to find happiness and fulfillment. Improvement of a difficult situation. New hope and vitality. Weariness and apathy.

I haven’t been paying much attention lately to my “tarot card of the day” app. However, when I took a quick look at today’s, it really hit home.

I don’t know why, but I’ve had Todd on the brain. It’s over. It’s been over. We haven’t even spoken since September. But… yeah. I hate it when this happens. When I’m brushing my teeth and think of a lie I caught him in. When I’m washing my face and think of the betrayal. When I’m putting my shirt on and break down and cry.

It’s over.

Why am I going backwards?

It could be because Valentine’s Day is approaching. And while this normally wouldn’t put me over the edge, it was two days after Valentine’s that we broke up last year. For good. It was when he told me he had plans with Kim instead of me for Valentine’s Day that I realized we were no longer “redefining our relationship” as he put it – “working on our relationship” was how I put it. The vernacular didn’t matter – whatever we called it, it wasn’t happening any more. Time to call it quits and move on.

Let’s face it: last year was a year of loss. I am grieving many losses – so perhaps I should be gentler with myself when I find myself going backwards. The thing is, I’ve always been tough on myself. I expect a lot from myself. Growth, for instance. I do not want to be that girl who can’t get past the loss of someone. I’ve never been her before, and I don’t want to be her now.

And so… I think of my relationship with the Eight of Cups. I guess I am searching. More than that, I am moving forward. Letting go. Or at least, that’s what I’m doing on my good days.

Saturday will be a day of cleansing. I am taking down my Christmas tree. Putting away the decorations. Straightening up the house. And when it’s all done, I’ll sage my home. Clear out the bad vibes. Make way for the good.

As I was telling myself this morning: Baby, it’s a new year. Keep on keepin’ on. Smile, and the world smiles with you. At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

No comments: