Speaking of penises (oh come on now, you know you were), I have a somewhat interesting story to tell that doesn't have to do with me whatsoever, except for the fact that the star of the story told it to me (along with several others) in class last night.
A little bit of background music first, please: I belong to the local metaphysical store's Yahoo! group. Members of the group belong to several different pagan communities in the area; it's sort of a melting pot of local pagans, if you will. So, for a few weeks before Beltane, there was all kinds of talk about the different Beltane rituals happening in the area (not to mention arguments over whose would be better, blah, blah, blah).
A guy in my class is also on the list. This guy, we shall call him Dudley, lives out of his van, and believe me, it shows. He's probably about 300 pounds, has very few teeth, wears clothes that are torn and ragged, and kind of... smells. Bad. Still, he's really intelligent, and while people may not always agree with him, he is able to answer just about anyone's question about anything pagan-related.
Anyway, during the Beltane discussions it came out that one group was holding their ritual indoors this year, because the normal outdoor spot was too difficult to get to, given that there was still a lot of snow and ice up there. Dudley chimed in that the indoor ritual held no interest for him; that Beltane was a sexually-charged ritual, and he wouldn't get to experience the sweet sounds of sex he heard last year.
Well. You would’ve thought he flashed the whole group by the response. People assumed he was looking to troll the ritual for a sex partner, and they got nasty about it. "Dudley, who'd even want to have sex with you, you stinky, homeless, toothless man?" Even after Dudley explained himself by stating that there was a couple near last year's campsite who had noisy sex, which instead of deterring from the celebration actually seemed to add to it, people still got on his case. One of the moderators (my instructor) had to put a stop to the abuse.
Now, it was even clear to prudish me that he wasn't going to the Beltane ritual for sex. Yet, people just wanted to read what they wanted to read, and a part of me wondered if they were just looking for yet another reason to chastise this guy. And, after my instructors demand that it all stop, it did... sort of.
Cut to last night's class. Dudley was late, and when he came in, he was noisy and boisterous and almost giddy. He apologized to the class several times for his giggling. When class was over, he asked our instructor if he could take over to spill some good news... to tell us why he was so happy. Our instructor said yes.
Dudley began telling us about a situation that happened at work that day. The story centered on visitors at the worksite, a small, diminutive man and a tall, Amazonian woman. The man, clearly dominant, bossed the woman around all day. Dudley said he couldn't quite figure out their relationship, as the woman didn't seem to be submissive, yet she put up with this tiny guy's antics. However, at lunchtime, the small man and Amazonian woman began to argue in the lunchroom.
Dudley started to leave, and happened to walk behind the small man just as he raised up his hand to whack the woman. Dudley moved quickly, grabbed the man's arm from behind and said "Oh no you don't." The man struggled and yelled and said he could treat his woman any way he liked. The woman was crying, and Dudley suggested that she leave. She did.
Dudley's boss came in and when the small man began to make accusations, the boss just ignored him and asked Dudley if he needed any help in subduing the small man. Dudley said no, he had it under control. The man finally stopped struggling and so he was freed to go back to work.
After work, Dudley walked over to the 7/11 to use the pay phone to call our instructor. While he was placing the call, serendipitously the couple he'd seen at work drove by in a car. It was clear that they were arguing. Soon, the car pulled over and dropped the woman off. She slammed the door, and began to hitch a ride.
Dudley walked over to her and asked if he could give her a ride. She said sure, and she was glad to see him, because she never did get a chance to thank him properly for stepping in earlier. Dudley said no problem, and drove her home.
When they got to her place, she invited him up and said she really wanted to thank him properly. However, before she did, she felt he should know that she was a transsexual. Dudley's response? "Damn, woman! Who did your surgery? You look wonderful!" Then he followed her up, and let her thank him "properly." I take it she didn't write him a note...
Anyway, he was clearly happy, and most everyone in class congratulated him on his conquest. After all, it's true... there is someone for everyone. Even a Beltane cast-out.