Making Friends With Aunt Flo

So...Friday night I went over to Mr. Wonderful's place. He took me out for a nice dinner at the Brew House, and then we went back to his place to watch "Dogma." Of course, I knew a movie wasn't the only thing planned for the evening... but was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around Aunt Flo's unwelcome presence.

It turns out I didn't have to worry at all. Mr. Wonderful is not turned off by Aunt Flo. And while we still didn't exactly consummate our relationship, he decided to take a trip down south, and let's just say "O" is no longer just a magazine to me.

Dinner, Dogma and the big "O." I feel like the Queen of the Earth.

Mr. Wonderful

Ever since our semi-intimate night together, Mr. Wonderful has been sending me emails full of compliments and flattery. He can't wait to see me again. He thinks I'm a fabulous kisser. And then there's the one that is most near and dear to my heart: he thinks I'm funny, and he "loves" that I am.

It's gotten to the point that I am almost counting the hours until our next date. I think about his hands gently brushing up against my body. I think about his passionate kisses. I remember his eagerness to please me. I catch myself moaning out loud and blush.

As they say, timing is everything, and unfortunately for me my Aunt Flo is visiting. So, I have a feeling our Friday night date won't be as hot as our Sunday night date was. However, I am looking forward to seeing what we can do to to please each other while avoiding Aunt Flo's unwelcome presence. I'm sure we can come up with something that will be mutually pleasing to the both of us. And if we can't, there's always Netflix.

Not Allowed

The other day when I was at Todd's packing up some of my stuff, he asked me if I would sit with him and have a cup of coffee. He wanted to talk, and while I'm all done talking, I could see it was important to him so I sat down with him and talked.

After we got the "us" stuff out of the way, he asked me about Mr. Wonderful. I hesitated in answering, and he said that perhaps he had no right asking, but he was genuinely interested in what was going on.

For some reason that I couldn't immediately identify, I felt resentful and private. I didn't want to share; this was mine. And then I realized that no harm could come from me sharing some of the details, so I updated him on what was going on with Mr. W and myself.

It wasn't until later, when I was home, that I realized what caused my hesitancy in responding. It is because I feel that in asking, he was not just getting information, but that he was also seeking validation - perhaps unconsciously - that he made the right choice in replacing me with Kim.

It is my belief that he can now tell himself "See, I did the right thing. She has moved on and this is better for her." But that's not true at all. My current relationship has nothing to do with my past relationship, in that it's not the reason I left Todd. And it's definitely not a replacement for Todd.

Todd is not allowed any reprieve for his recent unfair actions to me - in holding on to me, even though he knew he didn't want me any more. In keeping me around, just because he wasn't ready to let go. In leading me to believe he was working on our relationship, when he freely admitted on Monday that was never the case - that he already knew he wanted something - someone - else.

No, my budding relationship with Mr. W does not exist so Todd can feel good about his decisions and/or his actions towards me. He has no right to use this to assuage any guilt he might feel. It is for that reason that I wanted to keep this to myself for now. But I didn't - I spilled - and now I'm just not sure I did the right thing. Because the right thing isn't to let him feel good about what he did to me. No, the right thing is for me to believe I did a good thing in letting him go.

And I know I did - but I'm still coming to terms with it. It'll take time, and between you and me, Mr. Wonderful is helping with that. But Todd doesn't have to know that, does he?

Naked Lunch

Well, okay, in my case it was a naked dinner...or rather, nakedness after dinner. Does it really matter the order in which it all happened? The only important part of this story is that I got to see a man unclothe himself, while I was wearing my glasses. For those of you who are not visually challenged, this means I got to see everything in Technicolor, and without any blurry lines.

Oh wait. Would you like an explanation? More of a story, perhaps? Well, for those of you not in the know, I have been dating someone new. Yes, as hard as it might be to believe, it is true. I haven't scared him off yet. Go figure!

His name is...well, I probably shouldn't reveal his name without his permission, so I'll just call him what Todd calls him: Mr. Wonderful. He's ten years younger than me, is a merchant sailor, and has an odd sense of humor. However, as his very first email to me left me laughing out loud, I knew I had to meet him.

He was already aces in my book because he asked me to Claim Jumper. Yes, I might have written about that already. Believe you me, though, Claim Jumper is always worth mentioning again. Anyway, he was very physical on the first and second date, and then not at all on the third date. On the fourth date, I got a hug and a sound. "Ummmmmmmmmm" was what he uttered when he hugged me.

Okay, so I got an "Ummmmmm" but no kiss. So, perhaps I was a bit confused, but I hid it well when he asked me if he could call me again. I said "Sure thing, hunkarama." He said "Cool," and turned to walk to his motorcycle. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

He turned around and asked, "What do you want to get out of this?" Uh, huh? Out of a dinner at Claim Jumper (see? Claim Jumper was so good the first time, we had a repeat performance!). I was confused. I think I might have said "Uh...." I'm sure I sounded quite intelligent.

He continued. "You're not hoping for anything serious are you? Because I've been thinking about this a lot, and it's really stressing me out. I'm gone for four months at a time, and I'm not sure I want to worry about a relationship that I can't tend to while I'm away."

"Well, I understand about the requirements of your job, and I have no problem with that."

"Well..." he started and I thought to myself "Oh this can't be good." He mentioned an ex-girlfriend who he keeps in touch with, but no longer has a relationship with, and doesn't even want to go there...and I was starting to feel lost when he reeled it back in to the person who is really important in this equation: me.

He asked me if he could continue to call me and see me, and I said "Sure, I'd like that." I mean, really, after the disaster that was my last relationship, do I really want to get all serious and stuff about someone else so quickly? The answer to that question, dear readers, is no.

So then I said "Are you going to be around this weekend?" Now it was his turn to look confused. Perhaps he didn't think I heard a word he said. I didn't care - I threw caution to the wind. "Maybe you'd like to come over for dinner on Sunday if you're around."

He said sure, and we left it at that. Well, one thing led to another, and Saturday came and went and I hadn't had a chance to call him. Then I had a brilliant idea: I'd pull a Mr. Wonderful and call him on the same day as the date! But, he beat me to the punch. Late Saturday night, I received a call from him. "PJammy," he said "I believe you offered to have me over for dinner tomorrow. Does that offer still stand?"

Why yes, yes it did. I told him that I have a shoeless policy at my house, so he'd have to take off his shoes in the hallway. I added "Don't worry; I won't ask you to take anything else off...at least until after dinner."

Let me tell you something, readers: it sucks to reach my age and discover you only have only had one sexual partner. Time to experiment! It's especially good to experiment with someone who doesn't plan on getting serious. Or at least, that's what Cosmo says.

So, I made all the appropriate preparations. Straightened up the house, paying particular attention to the bedroom. Planned a simple yet stunning meal, so that I wouldn't be in the kitchen all day, but it would look like I was. Made a trip to the local pharmacy to buy condoms. And lube. And a brown bag. (just kidding about the brown bag.)

I was set. He came early (I mean, he arrived early). We had dinner. After dinner, we decided to watch a movie. Well, as you can probably guess, we didn't get past the opening credits. Next thing I knew we were making out. Then I noticed he was unbuttoning his shirt. I started to get nervous. He whispered, "I seem to remember you saying something about waiting until after dinner to take other things off..." I told him he had a good memory.

Well, as I believe this site is rated PG, I won't go into too many intimate details. Suffice it to say I finally got to see a naked guy other than Todd. And we had some fun - but not the kind of fun you probably expect we had, and definitely not the kind of fun I expected to have.

Was I disappointed? Well...sort of. But I was also sort of relieved. However, I did enjoy some adulation of my body, which prompted my head to swell. I bet you didn't know that I have a "small waist" and "a toned body." Heck, I didn't know it either, at least before last night.

Anyway, I think a repeat performance is probably in order. Only this time, I think I'd like to use some of the paraphernalia I bought. I'd hate to see it go to waste.

I Hate This Part

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's left's good-bye
To find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here

--Pussycat Dolls

They say that the third time's the charm... I hope that saying proves true. Friday I told Todd that I would not be seeing him any more... not even as a friend. How can I when he doesn't even treat me as a friend? What's the use - especially when he treats his other friends much better than he treats me?

The earth shook on Friday afternoon. I realized it was the result of my heart breaking. Gawd how I hate this part.

I hate this part right here

Code Word: Weather

I was told that if I mentioned the word "weather" in my next post, I'd get a surprise.

Weather! Weather! Weather!

I'm scary

Well, I guess I must be, anyway. A friend of mine is trying to fix me up with a guy, who just happens to be in the wine business (lucky me!). He called tonight, and I answered the phone. "Hello?" No reply, but I did hear sound in the background. "Hello!" Still no reply, but there was still noise in the background. Then all of a sudden the guy hung up.

Wha---?

I know that my neighbors think I'm scary when I put out the garbage while in my pajamas and robe...but I never knew my voice was so scary. Live and learn...live and learn.

Just Like Magic

On the second and fourth Tuesday of the month, I "teach" a tarot class. I use the quotes, because I really organize the class more than teach it...still, it's fun and I love the group of women who show up faithfully each week.

Tonight, I'll be teaching a bit on tarot magic. I started the lesson two weeks ago, and tonight will be a follow up. However, in writing up tonight's outline I found that it felt uninspired... I just grabbed information from other sources and it felt sort of flat.

While I was deciding what to assign for homework, I came up with what I would like to think of as a brilliant idea. Instead of having the women just set up a spell at home using instructions outlined in a book, I am going to have them craft their own spell, then instruct us how to do it at the next class.

I'm so excited! I almost can't wait until the next class to see what everyone comes up with.

Familiar Territory

Tonight, I went out on a date with Todd. Unlike my date on Saturday with G, this date was comfortable and familiar.

We went to one of our old haunts, but seeing as we both have been hit hard in the wallet in this scary new economy, we downsized our order. No alcohol. No filet...just some shared appetizers and cheap salads. Even though our menu selections were different, our conversation and relatationship dance were very much the same.

What's really different is the fact that he now has a new girlfriend. Oh, he might not be calling her that, but she is calling him her boyfriend, so it's really all one and the same when it comes right down to it.

It's very difficult for me to navigate these new waters. What was once appropriate conversation and expectations no longer apply. I find myself almost as unsure with Todd these days as I was on my first date with G. My heart still falls when I am hit with the thought that I may have lost him for good. My heart also quickens with excitement when he compliments the way I look and adds that he couldn't wait to see me.

Our physical relationship has also changed. This change is the most difficult to peg as either "bad" or "good." I no longer feel completely safe with him, and yet...I no longer feel obligated to him, either. This makes the times we connect physically almost as exciting as those first few times we explored each other's bodies. If you asked my pants, they'd tell you that it's almost as if this is a brand new relationship; the excitement is just that frantic and wrought with sexual tension as those first few months. I can't wait to put my hands on him or to feel his hands on me.

Yet...I am not sure how healthy this is for me. I have a few friends that caution me: "Step away from the sexy young man in the goatee" they warn. "His indecision and inability to stick by your side is not good for you."

And so I continue to be confused by this...by a relationship that hasn't really ended. By the fire in my pants every time I see him. By the days that go by without a call or a contact. By the fact that we still love each other, even though our love has morphed into something different and almost unrecognizable.

Are my friends right? They probably are - after all, I don't allow stupid people to be my friends. So perhaps that makes me the stupid one, still wading in familiar territory even though there are treacherous landmines around us. I am not willing to turn back just yet...so I'll keep moving forward one unbalanced step at a time, and hope to God I don't trigger an explosion.

A kiss is still a kiss...

Okay, my dear faithful readers, here's one for Ripley's Believe It or Not: I have not kissed a guy, other than my ex-boyfriend (with whom I "enjoyed" a ten+year long relationship) in about 9 years. (Yes, I did kiss someone else when we were on a Ross and Rachel break back in 2000.) So, imagine my great surprise when my Saturday night date not only kissed me once...but kissed me again and again and again.

Now, I know I sound like a school girl, but it really is strange kissing someone new. (Strange good, but strange nonetheless.) The thing about being in a long term relationship is you know how to "be" with the other person. You know what works...what the other person likes, and that person knows what you like. So, being with someone new is, well, a bit daunting to say the least. "Am I doing it right?" "Should I touch him more?" "Does he like it when I stick my tongue down his windpipe?" These are just a few of the questions that ran through my head on Saturday night.

So while I had a great time on the date (a Widow Maker, a visit to the local car show, and then a movie at his house), the thing that stands out are those kisses. He kissed so differently than my ex-boyfriend; not different bad, just... differently. It felt so new and exciting and full of promise...I felt like a teenager again.

Of course, at forty-something or other. feeling like a teenager isn't necessarily a good thing. But, it's not entirely a bad thing, either. In the "cons" column, there's that darn teenage insecurity, the hesitancy, and a lack of confidence. However, in the "pros" column, there's that teenage excitement - that heart-quickening, pants-on-fire, newness of it all.

After one date, I could not say at all where this will go, if anywhere. The guy is ten years younger than me, and is one of those outdoor types that seem to be the majority here in Reno. Still...there's a promise of a call and that's enough for now.

Earth Girls Are Easy

All I can say is, man, that was some date! Gee golly willickers, grandma...you never told me a first date could be that good. Maybe I need to go on more first dates?


**More to come when I have recovered...

It's A Date!

Wow. I can't believe it. I just got asked out on an honest-to-goodness real live date. Now, I only hope he turns out to be a real live guy...!

But seriously folks...I can see myself falling in love already. Why? Because he's taking me out for a Widow Maker at Claim Jumper. There is no faster way to my heart than a Widow Maker... except for maybe a glass of wine.

There's only one problem: He asked me out tonight for tomorrow night. Now the authors of "The Rules" are yelling at me, saying things like "PJammy, don't you know you're supposed to pretend you're busy on Saturday night?" and "PJammy, you are acting much too available...he should have asked you out three days in advance!"

To them I say "Holy crap, you Virgin Mothers! Haven't you ever had a Widow Maker before? I can't say 'no' to a Widow Maker! You guys are frickin' crazy!"

They won't listen to me, though. They keep yapping and yapping, chiding me for being so easy. I tell you, if they think eating a Widow Maker makes me easy, they haven't seen nothing yet!

Eight Steps to Reaching One's Dreams

Someone blogged about eight steps they took to reach their dreams. In honor of their very boring, I mean, interesting post, here are mine:

1) Drink two bottles of wine, then pass out on the couch. Dream about what I really want. Oh yes, that would be sobriety.

2) Wake up. Go to AA. Grab on to some sobriety before it walks out the door.

3) Once sober, go back home and think about what I really, really want.

4) Write it down so I won't forget it: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

5) Hire an interpreter so I can figure out what it is I just wrote down.

6) Decide that what I really really want is to be a Spice Girl.

7) Decide on a name: Scary Spice is already taken, so I register "Scarier Spice" and sign up for dance lessons.

8) Buy real cool outfits that show off my cellulite, and start singing on street corners, waiting to be discovered.

I was Mooned!

A friend of mine and I try to meet at least once a week for a walk around the Sparks Marina. (Well, we actually take two laps around, but you know, that's not important to anyone or anything, other than my thighs.) We decided to meet on a Friday this week, so that we could hit Happy Hour after our walk.

While we were sipping our three dollar glasses of wine at The Anchor, we noticed a guy setting up a table and stuff near the water. We were curious. Was he getting ready to have some sort of a party? Was he selling something?

Each time he dropped off a new load of stuff, our interest was increased. After noticing what looked to be a beach ball and a bunch of maps, we chugged down the rest of our wine and left The Anchor to see what in the world was going on.

"Okay, I'm curious," I said. "You piqued my interest!"

The man was kind of cute, in a goofy sort of way, so of course I immediately looked at his ring finger. Damn. Married. Oh well. I stopped being disappointed long enough to listen to him...he told us that he was an astronomer and was doing some quickie astronomy lessons in the park.

He asked us if we wanted to see the moon, and I said "Yes!" He said "Okay, little girl, look into my telescope" and then he unzipped his pants. No he didn't...I was just checking to see if you were still reading. But, he did lead me over to his telescope and there I saw it...the moon! It was so cool to see the craters and other moony things while the sun was still out.

After we all looked at his telescope (because by then a small crowd had gathered), he gave us a short lesson and sent us on our way. He did tell us that in 25 more minutes, he would be showing off Venus. I was tempted to stay, but decided that after a glass of wine I could look at my very own Venus at home, compliments of a bendy body and a hand-held mirror.

That's Just What You Are

In our endeavor we are never seeing eye to eye
No guts to sever so forever may we wave goodbye
And you're always telling me that it's my turn to move
When I wonder what could make the needle jump the groove
I won't fall for the oldest trick in the book
So don't sit there and think you're off of the hook
By saying there is no use changing 'cause

That's just what you are
That's just what you are

Almost from the moment I agreed to exclusivity with Todd, I was told again and again and again why I couldn't be "the one." It was always up to me to make a move - a move to change something that he wasn't happy with. He wanted sex - he got it. He wanted certain types of sex. He got it. He wanted to marry me...I finally said yes. He wouldn't marry me until I lived with him for "a while." I moved in. And yet...nothing ever changed. It was always my move. Yet, the moves never got me closer to him than I was on the day I agreed to exclusivity.

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears
By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try
Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy
It's not like you would lose some critical piece
If somehow you moved point a to point b
Maintaining there is no point changing 'cause

That's just what you are
That's just what you are

I listened to and accepted Todd's fears and his struggle with living in a neuro-typical world while saddled with Asperger's. I defended his actions to friends, family and even myself. And when I would suggest changes he could make to incorporate me more into his life, he would just end up pushing me further away.

Now I could talk to you till I'm blue in the face
But we still would arrive at the very same place
With you running around and me out of the race

We have talked and talked and talked and talked, and it doesn't get us anywhere. We even tried counseling - and it didn't work. I suspected that he wanted the counselor to tell him to break up with me, and when that didn't happen, he became frustrated and we stopped going. So, there were were, back in the same place. He pushed me further away by dating other people and continuing to exclude me from his social circle, yet got on my case for not being a better life partner.

It's difficult to be someone's life partner when they're excluding you from their life. I see now I shouldn't have been surprised that I couldn't make that happen. Yet at the time, I ran that race as if my life depended on it, not realizing I wasn't even in the race, and was instead running on a treadmill and not getting anywhere.

So maybe you're right, nobody can take
Something older than time and hope you could make
It better, that would be a mistake
So take it just so far

'cause that's just what you are
That's just what you are
That's just what you are

Now he says that there is no way to fix our relationship - too much damage has been done. For years, I took the blame for the damage. After all, if I had been a better girlfriend, more nurturing, more sexual, more...fill in the blank, we wouldn't be here. Or at least that's what I was led to believe. Now I realize that it wasn't me at all, but the boundaries he put up that caused the most damage.

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears
You're like a sleepwalking man, it's a danger to wake you
Even when it is apparent where your actions will take you

That's just what you are
And that's just what you are
That's just what you are
That's just what you are

--Lyrics by Aimee Mann

I want...

Wine. Every cell in my body is screaming for a glass of wine. Oh I know, I should just have one, but see, I have a skills test tomorrow for a potential position with the local university. And, well, every once in a while wine will trigger a migraine. So, as much as I want a glass, I know that tonight is probably not the night to do it.

I have tried to unwind from a stressful weekend in other ways. Long hot bath. Pedicure. Blah, blah, blah. Nice, sure, but just not the same as curling up on the couch with a glass of wine while my body starts to relax slowly but surely as the alcohol begins its healing journey through my veins.

I guess my next attempt at relaxation will be a mug of chamomile tea. It works just as well - but it's just simply not as much fun to drink.

TMI

One of my favorite bosses of all time organized a reunion luncheon for those of us who had been laid off of the now defunct company we had once all been a part of. That luncheon was today. I was hesitant about going, as I have now been laid off again and did not feel as if I had a lot of "happy chat" in me. But, a woman I worked closely with at the organization insisted I go, and sweetened the pot by treating. How could I resist?

After we were all assembled, my boss asked us all to go around the table and brief everyone as to what we'd been up to since our company disbanded. Thankfully, I wasn't the only loser, I mean, laid off person there. Several hadn't found work since the company went up in smoke, and others were like me: had found new jobs and gotten laid off again.

One guy, Bob, said that he still hadn't found work, so he was spending a lot of time with Ellen DeGeneres and the cast of Friends. That got a laugh. When it was my turn, I said "I'm gainfully unemployed, so I spend my days crying, drinking, and marinating in my pajamas." Bob said "You should try spending some time with my Friends; they might not convince you to put on pajamas, but they might help with the crying."

Thanks, Bob, for the advice. Now where's the remote?

Suddenly Last Summer

I watched the movie "Suddenly Last Summer" recently via the streaming video feature on Netflix. I love this feature! Kind of makes me wish I had a TiVo, so I could just stream the videos on to my TV. But I digress...back to the movie.

If you haven't seen the movie or the play, the basic theme is that a guy named Sebastian takes his beautiful cousin (played by Elizabeth Taylor) on a trip. He uses her as bait to reel in the pretty boys, then he does whatever it is he does to them (in the movie, it's never quite clear, but it is obvious that he is gay and makes moves on the young men after his cousin brings them to him). He used to use his mother for this task, but she apparently got too old to attract the "tasty" men (the use of the word "tasty" and "delicious" is ironic, it turns out). See, after he tries his little deviant tricks on some island boys, he is repayed for his trickery by being attacked and eaten by the boys (and not the good kind of eating, by the way).

The movie (and play) were touted as quite forward thinking for 1958. However, one can't help but wonder if the real theme is that homosexuality is wrong and should be punished by cannibalistic young men. Or, perhaps the theme could be that what one thinks is fun in private is shunned once all the townspeople find out they did the same thing? Or...is the real theme people taste good after baking in the island sun for weeks on end?

I don't know. I'm confused. However, I don't think I'll be making any trips to any third world islands any time soon, with or without my cousin Sebastian.

Christmas Special

Today, I received an email from "Santa's Slave" asking me if I wanted to get laid on Christmas. No, I really don't, but thanks for the offer. I find that at this time of year, it takes too much effort to go through all the trouble of being a top. I mean, gathering the toys, making the time, let alone thinking of creative ways to use lumps of coal is enough to make my head swim.

Instead what I really want is to see Joel McHale at GSR. And...I think I might be able to swing it. Todd is going to give me half the cost of the ticket, and I am fairly certain I can come up with the other half, as I just received a rebate in the mail reimbursing me for a club membership fee that was done away with.

So, I must apologize to Santa's Slave, for instead of filling up her "stocking" with lumps of coal, I must spend my time with Joel McHale. But, if Santa's Slave really needs it, I'm sure there's a willing reindeer out there somewhere.

Druish

Tonight before class began, one of the owners of the store said she had a funny story about a couple who came in earlier. When the girls asked if they could help the couple find anything, the man said "Yes, we are looking for books on Wick."

"Wick? Are you sure?"

"Yes," replied the man. "Wick."

"Perhaps you mean Wicca? Or maybe witch?"

"No...Wick. My wife, she's Druish and wants a book on Wick."

"That's funny," muttered another customer standing by. "She doesn't look Druish."

We had a good laugh at the couples' expense and decided that maybe it was time to design a Druish tradition. I'm sure it would involve lots of magical latkes and eight days of candle magic in December. As long as I could still wear a Yarmulke in a skyclad ritual, I suppose I'd be happy.