Tonight, I went out on a date with Todd. Unlike my date on Saturday with G, this date was comfortable and familiar.
We went to one of our old haunts, but seeing as we both have been hit hard in the wallet in this scary new economy, we downsized our order. No alcohol. No filet...just some shared appetizers and cheap salads. Even though our menu selections were different, our conversation and relatationship dance were very much the same.
What's really different is the fact that he now has a new girlfriend. Oh, he might not be calling her that, but she is calling him her boyfriend, so it's really all one and the same when it comes right down to it.
It's very difficult for me to navigate these new waters. What was once appropriate conversation and expectations no longer apply. I find myself almost as unsure with Todd these days as I was on my first date with G. My heart still falls when I am hit with the thought that I may have lost him for good. My heart also quickens with excitement when he compliments the way I look and adds that he couldn't wait to see me.
Our physical relationship has also changed. This change is the most difficult to peg as either "bad" or "good." I no longer feel completely safe with him, and yet...I no longer feel obligated to him, either. This makes the times we connect physically almost as exciting as those first few times we explored each other's bodies. If you asked my pants, they'd tell you that it's almost as if this is a brand new relationship; the excitement is just that frantic and wrought with sexual tension as those first few months. I can't wait to put my hands on him or to feel his hands on me.
Yet...I am not sure how healthy this is for me. I have a few friends that caution me: "Step away from the sexy young man in the goatee" they warn. "His indecision and inability to stick by your side is not good for you."
And so I continue to be confused by this...by a relationship that hasn't really ended. By the fire in my pants every time I see him. By the days that go by without a call or a contact. By the fact that we still love each other, even though our love has morphed into something different and almost unrecognizable.
Are my friends right? They probably are - after all, I don't allow stupid people to be my friends. So perhaps that makes me the stupid one, still wading in familiar territory even though there are treacherous landmines around us. I am not willing to turn back just yet...so I'll keep moving forward one unbalanced step at a time, and hope to God I don't trigger an explosion.