Can't Breathe

It really shouldn't have come as such a big surprise. One would think that by now, after 9 years, I would realize that I'm not the person Hunky wants. However, I didn't really realize it until today.

What made today so special? Such a turning point?

I came across one of his online personals. I had actually found it a few days ago, but being new to the site, I hadn't really clicked around to explore more fully. I saw his picture, read his opening line, and sexual preferences. I thought "Yeah, that's my hunky," and moved on.

This morning, I went to the site to see if there were more people on it from the area I live in. Hunky's was the third profile from the top, so after reading the first two, I clicked on his again, mostly because his is a familiar face and seeing it made me smile.

What I read next took the smile completely off my face.

Without going into too much detail, he basically wrote he was single (kind of true, but not really), looking for a Long Term Relationship with someone who, after 8-10 bullet points, definitely was not me. Someone who was submissive. Someone who was ready to move in with him and be his slave and/or submissive. Someone who...blah, blah, blah, definitely wasn't me.

So if he wants someone who is so totally not me, why has he been with me for 9 years? Is it laziness? Is it that I'm just a warm body to keep him company until the real thing comes along?

What is it?

Oh, I know he tells me he loves me. He can say it until the cows come home, however after reading what he really wants in a mate/girlfriend/lover, it's so the completely opposite of me that I don't know what the hell he's doing with me, let alone believe that he could actually love me.

No wonder we have problems.

I have definitely been a fool in love before, but I don't know if I've ever been this much of a fool. Nine years worth of fool.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I can see now that moving out is the best thing for me. And probably for him, too. That way he can stop wasting his time with me and move on.

And maybe I can move on as well.