Thursday, September 27, 2007

I am 32 Flavors and then some

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say...
Ani DeFranco

When I listened to this song on the way home tonight, the one line that really hit me was "I did everything that I could do."

Sometimes I think about the accusations thrown at me by Todd, and I think "Well, yes, perhaps I could have done that..." And maybe I could have...but the truth is, I did everything that I physically and emotionally could do, based on my perception of safety and comfortability within the relationship.

"You could have contributed more money to the household."

"You could have had more sex with me."

"You could have been..."


But not really. Because doing so would have drained me in a way I am not sure I could recover from. What Todd doesn't understand, and never did (and I don't know if that's due to the way Asperger's has his mind wired, or due to miscommunication on my part, or some sort of dysfunctional melding of the two) is that I can't - won't? - give fully when I'm not secure.

And in this relationship, I wasn't ever fully secure.

There were things I was secure about: I knew he loved me. I knew we were best friends. I knew he would support me in my endeavors. The insecurity laid in the threads that unraveled around us; the threads that were snarled and torn at because he always wanted "a better fit."

So while I may occasionally beat myself up about the things I wasn't and the things I didn't do, I am also fully aware that emotionally, I had reached my limit of what I could do.

No comments: