Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Out of Time

I had maybe four hours of sleep last night...if that. I need to get out the door to go to work, and yet, I find I can't move.

Last night marks the end of my "romantic" relationship with Todd. It was brought on because I found two pieces of evidence that he is having relationships with two other women. According to him, he hasn't (yet) met them in real life, but it was obvious from what I found, plans are in the making.

Both girls appear to be part of an online BDSM/alternative lifestyle community. One calls him "her daddy," and has a whole blog dedicated to him. The other signs herself off as "Gracie, XXXXX's Nevada Girl" (the x's represent his online name, which I will not share with the world).

After my last entry, we sort of settled into some sort of "wait and see" holding pattern, both of us believing that things would get better when I moved out. After all, the times we've lived apart have been the strongest times in our relationship. However, admittedly I never really could forget that I'm not really what he wants, and so because of that, I saw evidence of that almost every day.

Last night was the last straw for me. I can't deny it anymore, nor pretend that at some point in time, he will come back to me wholeheartedly. It just isn't going to happen.

While I didn't handle the initial confrontation well (I never seem to), after an hour or so of going back and forth, I think I finally got my real point across: I can't be in any kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship with him. He doesn't get that it just hurts me too deeply.

He kept telling me he loved me and he doesn't want me out of his life, and all the other things I've heard for over 8 years. The thing isn't enough. I want to know that I'm the person - the right person - for the man I'm with. It doesn't strengthen my already low self esteem to be with someone who has a roving eye and is always looking for that "better fit."

He said I don't understand him. And he's probably right, in the sense that I don't understand him completely. I do, however, believe that I understand him better than most everyone else in his life. I've learned a lot about living and loving someone with Aspberger's Syndrome, and I feel I've adapted as well as I can to the idiosyncrasies that present them self. But it's a cold, hard fact that I am unable to understand how someone can love me and supposedly want to be in a relationship with me, while pursuing other women.

I suppose that's what is called "polyamory," and this girl is as monogamous as they come.

At some point, he said "What do you want from me," to which I eventually responded that I want what he just can't give: total love and acceptance, without feeling that he's settling. He can't, though. I mean, he accepts a lot of my personality flaws and deals with them well. What he doesn't accept is that I'm not, as apparently these other two are, "his little girl," or "his slave."

When asked what I expect, I told him that there will be no more physical contact. No more kissing, no more sex (to which he said "Well, it's not like there's a whole lot of that going on"), no hand holding, no sitting in his other words, no type of physical contact that indicates we still have a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. He doesn't understand - I can't do it. He is angry that I can't do it. Or maybe frustrated. But whatever feeling it is, he is unhappy that I am unable to be in a "friends with benefits" type of relationship.

I think the reason he is so upset is that, in his mind, he feels I am abandoning him. I told him I'm not; he is my best friend. No matter what his faults (and of course, that's all I ever write about here; I never write about the good times), he absolutely is my best friend. He's the only person that seems to "get" me. He is my cheerleader. He is my rock. And he'll still be all that... just not my boyfriend.

Oh, I'm not under any delusions that the transition period will be easy. I know from our past try at it that it won't be. The difference is 7 years have passed since then. I am no longer under the impression that, once apart, he will all of a sudden have that "Aha" moment where he realizes I am the one for him. That moment is not going to come, because I am not that person for him.

And so, with all of that, it is imperative that I get out of here as soon as possible. The electricity and water should have been turned on yesterday in my new home. I was not moving fast because of the "no electricity" deal. And then he was notified that he would have to go out of town, so since I was going to take care of the dogs, it seemed weird to move in for two nights and move right back in here to take care of the dogs.

But maybe after last night, it's not weird. It's time.

Now if I could just find a guy with a truck...

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