Reflections

The year is almost over, and I did not make good on my promise to write more in 2012.

That’s not entirely true – I have been writing more, just not here.

I started a review blog, and it’s seen some marginal success. In the short time it’s been active, the page hits are up and I’ve already received a one product from a company to review. I consider that a success – and one I’m continuing to build on.

However, when it comes to disclosure in my personal blog, I’ve been absent.

The fact is, it hasn’t been the greatest of years. It also hasn’t been the worst of years, so I guess 2012 is a wash for me. Work has been the cause of most of my distress and sleepless nights – and at the risk of sounding trite, I am grateful to have a job – even if it is causing me sleepless nights.

I also realized this year something that hadn’t been readily apparent before: I was in an eleven year relationship with a complete and utter asshole. When we first stopped seeing each other, I would tell people he was a good guy, but we just weren’t a good fit. However, the farther I move away from the relationship, the clearer I see it – and him. There is no denying now that he was an asshole – and of course, then there’s some degree of embarrassment when I realize it took me eleven years to extricate myself from him.

I think his assholeness really came to light when I realized he moved out of state. He had already revealed himself as less than honest when I discovered that he allowed his wife to give away some of the boxes I left behind at his place (with his permission and promise that it would be safe in his shed and if he needed me to come get it, he would let me know). This is an old story I know – I contacted him several times to pick up my stuff, to no avail. Then one day I found a lot of my stuff at Goodwill – and he admitted she gave it all away.

So there was some concrete evidence he was indeed a lying bastard asshole, but one could argue that his wife did it without his knowledge. Okay… but then he moved out of state, and I saw things in a new light. Giving away my stuff was all part of the moving process – so instead of saying, “Hey Ex, we’re moving – come get your stuff,” they just gave it all away. Plus, there was furniture he specifically asked me if he could to keep temporarily – did I get a call to come get that as well? Nope. They either gave that away or sold it or moved it with them.

And I could probably go on – yet I won’t. Instead I’ll just say that the more distance I get from this relationship, the brighter the light that shines on the remnants is. I can’t help seeing it for what it really was – and I suppose in the beginning of the year, I dealt with some embarrassment regarding how much I put up with before giving up completely. I should have cut bait and run after the first two years – and I was very angry with myself for not doing so.

Enough of that – this year was the first year I had success in my garden. By the end of summer, my garden was beautiful – though still not a finished product. It did feel good to spend time out there, playing in the dirt, planting seeds and young plants and changing the landscape of the garden. I am already counting the days until spring comes in 2013 – I can’t wait to get out there again.

I hope to write more next year – to at least write two blog entries a week (I know! When I first started, I wrote every day!). I think writing is a good outlet for me – I really need to tap into that outlet more.

It was difficult, though, to put a lot of things down in print this year… I think I just didn’t want to see it there in black and white… because I really had hoped to forget and move on without leaving behind proof of yet another disappointing year gone by…