Monday, August 23, 2010

Me vs. Marie Osmond

I had a "surprise" date on Saturday night. I went to a party in Carson (which I never found), and returned home to find a message on my machine from some guy who wanted to meet me.

He said he was going to be at Flowing Tide at 9 p.m. wearing a "burnt orange" shirt. I should have known just by that comment alone what the date would be like.

But noooo, instead I thought, "9 p.m. is kind of a random time..." so I looked online to see if there was something special going on at 9 p.m. and low and behold there was going to be karaoke! My joy was barely contained! Because he suggested a place that had karaoke, I figured he read my profile and knew enjoyed it, so I gave him a few bonus points for paying attention and decided to go.

I got there, and the burnt orange shirt stuck out in a crowd so I found him right away. However, when the bartender brought me my drink, he made no move to pay for it, so I pulled the money and a tip out of my purse and paid for it myself. This was a sure sign the date was going to go badly. As we eased into conversation, it turned out he didn't know there was karaoke - yet another sign this date was going to go horribly and completely awry. However, I did not expect it to turn out like this:

Unprompted by me, he started to tell me how much he liked Donny and Marie Osmond, and that he was able to meet them, not once but twice, in Las Vegas. I don't know about you, but I haven't met any straight guys who would admit to liking Donny Osmond. Ignoring the Donny Osmond part of the equation, I asked him if Marie was as pretty in real life as she is on TV.

Good going, PJammy. You opened up a Pandora's box with that question. "Oh no, not at all," the guy responded. Then he pulled out his iPhone and started pulling up the pictures. When he got to the first one, he said "See? She is SO MUCH better looking in person. She is absolutely beautiful. And nice. And..." Well, the list just went on and on.

He was obviously star struck.

Then he paged through photo after photo, telling me about each pose and the story leading up to it. He relayed what he thought to be a funny/cute story about him clunking Marie on the head, and how the second time he met her she remembered and laughed about it.

He showed me a picture of him presenting her with a music box with white roses on top, and then joyously proclaimed that he found out from her on their second meeting that she still had it in her dressing room. Oh how proud he was!

Then he showed me another picture of her gasping with delight over a gift he gave her. As I was in the process of tuning him out, please forgive me for not remembering the minute details, but from what I can gather from the bits of information that I heard that just won’t go away, the gift was some sort of program from some sort of performance she was in. Her joy at receiving the program was because she lost most of her personal memorabilia in a fire at her house. Knowing this, he generously gave it to her for her collection, to which she uttered an orgasmic “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh!” right as the picture was taken.

Then he showed me a picture of him lifting up his pants leg to reveal to Donny his purple socks (for those not in the know, back in the days when Donny graced the cover of many a 16 Magazine, his favorite color was purple - a fact every Osmond fan cherished back then).

At some point, he managed to stop talking about Donny and Marie, and told me that he used to sing karaoke a lot, and that he often made up his own parodies (think Weird Al wannabe). He decided he would sing one for me, and went up to request Margaritaville, which he turned into Marijuanaville. On a date. With someone who has never smoked a doobie in her life.

Oh, but that wasn't the worst of it. He got up to go to the bathroom, and as soon as he left, a grandpa who had been eying me came over and asked me if the seat was free. I took a moment to assess the situation: am I better off sitting with Grandpa or listening to Donny and Marie stories? Both scenarios were pretty grizzly, so as I figured it would be rude to let a complete stranger and Viagra patient take my date's seat, I regretfully told him no, the seat was taken.

Gramps went off and I saw him hitting on at least three more women much younger than myself. The Viagra company must love him.

Was the night a complete bust? Nah, I did get to sing California Gurls with the DJ acting as Snoop Doggy Dog for me.

But when Marie Osmond's Biggest Fan asked me if he could walk me to my car, I said no, I was staying. And so I did. The DJ talked to me a bit, and I left when I was sure the coast was completely clear.

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