Saturday, August 29, 2009


"How many times can I break till I shatter?" That's a question I've been asking myself for years. I can even remember one of the first cracks - in one of our favorite restaurants on B Street in Hayward. It happened while we were enjoying a meal, and the words that came out of his mouth cracked my heart almost instantly. "You're not..." this. "You're not..." that.

It became a pattern I learned to hate - meals in public places often turned into a litany of unwanted information - I heard over and over again why I wasn't a good girlfriend.

So why did I stay? Maybe because I also received flowers with note cards attached which stated how important I was to him. How much I was loved. How his life would be empty without me. So many contradictions - my heart would crack, and then be fixed with the Super Glue of sweet words.

In my mind's eye, I could see my heart - every crack, chip and dent. I knew it was fragile, but wasn't prepared for the shattering break that came yesterday. He's getting married. To her.

Sure, sure...she proposed to him - just like his first wife did. I guess this is the magic trick - the one I could not ever master. Making him feel wanted and loved and desired. I gave it my best - but I didn't propose. He proposed to me, about four years after we started dating, then he spent the next six years running away from me.

I honestly thought we'd end up getting it right. After all, he often told me that one of his greatest hopes was that we would. Did he lie again? Intentionally mislead me? I do wonder, as these comments were made all the while he was pursuing her. Or allowing her to pursue him - whichever scenario suits him at the time.

I sit in this mess surrounding me, a pile of rubble that used to be my heart. I had so much hope. I loved him - love him - so much. He never understood that. Never "got" it. Was it a communication failure on my part? Was it that I didn't love him enough? And what was last week all about?

I don't really have to ask that question, because I know the answer. Once again he was feeling me out - ensuring that his safety net was still in place.

I'm tired of being his safety net. I quit.

I'm in dire need of some Super Glue. I am bound and determined that, though shattered, my heart can be put back together. Sure, it won't be the same as before, but it will be mine. I am, and always will be, the sum of my parts. Beautiful, dented, cracked, and used. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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