As the song says, "My hands are shaking and my knees are weak." Well, my hands aren't shaking, really - it's my legs. They just won't stop shaking. Saving myself for marriage probably alleviated a lot of angst along the years. I know - I didn't get married. But Mr. Kim and I were in, well, an eleven year relationship that was supposed to end in marriage - or death. But it didn't. And he was my first - therefore, the angst I had with him was, well, to be expected. And it was part of a long-term thing - which leaves me unprepared in dealing with short term things...
So, I went out into the dating world, newly single and feeling like a virgin. Believe me, this make believe virgin made a lot of mistakes. But when I met Les, I felt like I was doing something right.
From the beginning, everything he said or did indicated that he thought I was great. He liked me. He called me - sometimes twice a day. He emailed me constantly. He said all the right things. And then we had sex. And the budding relationship changed from something that could have been really great into just sex.
At first, my naivete prevented me from seeing what was happening right before my very eyes. Before Les and I had sex, he called me. Every day. Emailed me. Every day. Sometimes I heard from him twice. Or three times. Sometimes I got emails AND phone calls. But after we had sex?
Oh wait. Yes, right after we had sex, he kind of kept it up (no pun intended). But then, contact slowly ebbed away. I might not hear from him for days. And as the sex was so explosive and so wonderful, I kind of - yes I admit it - ignored some of the signs that he wasn't that into me.
But he wasn't. And today just cemented that in my brain harder and stronger than anything else he did before now.
He apparently saw me on the wine walk. I didn't see him - I was walking with my friend towards Sierra Tap House(the other witches went to Silver Peak, but neither of us like it there, so we told them we'd meet them at the Tap House). Did he come find me? No. Instead, he emailed me - not right after the wine walk - nope. He emailed me an hour ago. And did he say anything nice? Judge for yourself:
Did you have a good time on the wine walk today? I saw you once, I was in line at the sweet shop next door to the tap house. When I came out I couldn't find you and didn't see you again!I was a little surprised to see you dressed as a witch, is that for Halloween? Have a good weekend. See you soon.
I wasn't sure what to say - but being as I am running on wine, I of course had a lot to say. It began a little something like this;
It's not particularly a "Halloween" thing - it's a Black Hat Society thing. We dress up as witches for every October wine walk.
I'm a witch - if you haven't figured that out already.
Then being as I was feeling a bit, ahem, uninhibited, I went on to say that he wouldn't be seeing me soon. That it was over in my book. He didn't seem that into me. He didn't compliment me, unless we were naked - and even then it was rare. He didn't call or seem to ever want to do anything with me outside of his apartment.
I went on to tell him that I wasn't even mad at him - I took full responsibility. We had sex way too soon, and that was my fault.
Blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda yadda - you catch my drift.
His response? "Wow - well I hope you find what you are looking for."
Um, yeah, thanks buddy. You just proved it to me with that very short response - you aren't into me. At all. And, yes, I made the mistake of telling him that. To which he replied that he thinks I'm an "awesome lady," but that I could have picked up the phone to call him.
Huh? In what world does a girl chase a guy? Or rather, in what world does a girl chase a guy and it actually WORKS?
It kind of doesn't matter, because the upshot is: it's really over. And done with. And for me, there's no turning back.
As my legs were shaking after reading that last email (and why my legs, I have no idea), the phone rang. It was Les! He called to try to convince me to go out with him again. I answered eagerly: "Hello?"
"Hi Pamela - it's Eddie."
Oh. Eddie. Yeah, the guy from Winnemucca. The one I haven't seen in over a month, but who apparently still adores me. Yeah, that Eddie.
And we talked. But honestly? I was so still mulling Les-things over that I wasn't fully engaged in what he was saying - that is until he started questioning my beliefs. We started arguing - and I told him I needed to stop. It was too late, and I wasn't going to argue with him about religion or beliefs or what have you. I told him simply that he could think what he wanted about my beliefs - but he couldn't change them, nor could I ever change his.
He talked some more about how he wants to take me out next weekend, blah, blah - and I wasn't really listening. I was still worked up about the religious discussion, and I was also worked up about Les. So, we ended up saying good night, and I went back to writing this blog entry.
And the phone rang again. At 11:45 p.m.
Could it be Les? Nah, of course it was Eddie. I answered. Yep. It was Eddie.
He started saying something that made absolutely no sense to me. He said that he adored me (well, wait. That makes sense. Who wouldn't adore me?), but the part that didn't make sense was that he wanted to be sure I didn't over think things he said, and blah, blah, blah - what? Huh? I was confused. And he said he wanted me to know that even though he is talking to other girls, that I was still his first choice.
Really? Did he mention he was talking and/or seeing other women during our last phone conversation? How did I miss it? Was I honestly so into mulling over the Les-thing that I totally missed that? (of course the answer is "yes.")
I said no worries - we're grown ups. Of course we're dating other people. What did I expect? It had been over a month since I'd seen him - I figured he was seeing other people, just like I had been.
Eddie said, "What? You're dating other people?"
Um. Yes, hello.... remember? Haven't seen you for a month!
Well, now that he knows that, he REALLY wants to see me next weekend. I'll have to fit him in - I'm kind of busy next weekend. I have a costume party to go to, and a full moon ceremony to host.
But I'll fit him in. Why? Because he adores me.
I think I need a little adoration in my life right now. And really, who doesn't?