Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Girl Went Into A Bar...

Well, no I didn't go into a bar. Instead, I sat down at my computer and started writing a blog entry. And it was really good, too. But I got distracted and next thing I knew, the whole entry was MISSING. Couldn't be recovered. Kind of like my life.

A few of my friends on FaceBook were first my friends on LiveJournal. I used to blog there every day. Every. Single. Day. And I pretty much did that for years - with maybe a day or two missed here and there. But after a while, I started blogging once or twice a week. And then maybe once a week. And then once a month... and now rarely.

The downhill slope started when things were just not good in my life. While blogging is a release of sorts, I started realizing that my normally funny and light blogs were heavy and depressing. And, honestly? I sometimes didn't even know what to write. My life was falling apart, and I wasn't even sure what was happening - how could I tell that story? And really, did I want to tell that story?

But LiveJournal is my first love, and while I sometimes get caught up in the fun social aspect of FB - Fairyland, status updates, YouTube clips - I miss the more tangible and heartfelt connections on LJ. So, I still blog there occasionally, and I do check in to catch up on my friends list, which brings me to the heart of this post.

Today I read a post from someone who is going through something really difficult. And I could FEEL it when I read it. I could feel her angst. Her frustration. Her sadness. Her desperation. And sadly, I could relate to it because I was in a similar place last year myself.

It's kind of like death - when someone you know loses a loved one, you murmur how sorry you are and move on. But, if you lost someone yourself, you know that pain in a different way - you are more empathetic and sympathetic. You reach out more sincerely and actively, because you just KNOW.

When I read my friend's post, with her heart so openly splayed out, I could feel her anguish from thousands of miles away. One thing she said, though, struck a different cord. She said something about how she felt too old to be going back into the world of dating. Now, friend if you're reading this I know those weren't your exact words - still, it hit me in a strange way. Why? Because I would give ANYTHING to be back in my 30's and in the dating pool.

And I know it's one of those things - because we're only in our own heads. So, a 28-year-old is newly single and thinks "Oh god, not this again! It's so much harder now." And a newly single 35-year-old thinks, "Really? I have to do this again? I thought it was all over with!" Seriously though... doing this again in your late forties? Not so much fun.

Well. Wait. I have said in the past and I still think it's true: Dating is fun. And it is. But the available pool of men is shallower. Guys in this age group think they can get a woman ten years younger than them. And, for the most part, they can. Or they are set in their ways: "if you won't go camping with me, I won't date you." Uh. Okay.Or they're damaged from past relationships, and because they don't want to be hurt again, they don't give as much this time around.

Let's just say it can be a challenge.

Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of challenges. My life has been one big challenge after another. It's never been easy - and I'm not whining about how bad my life is - honestly that's not it. I just haven't figured out how to recover from the gaffe that was my last long-term relationship.

So, I dunno... maybe this girl should walk into a bar. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet a rabbi, a priest and a minister, and then I'll have a new story to tell.


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