Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Line in the Sand

I know. I have a million and one things I need to update this journal with...I simply have not had the energy or inclination to do so. However, I had a heart-tugging conversation with Todd last night, so I have all kinds of stuff jumbled up in my head that I need to see "on paper" (or in this case, screen) to start to make sense of it all.

WARNING: This post contains rambling thoughts, run on sentences, and rabbit trails.

This weekend was the Psychic Fair. When I saw the list of readers, I realized that none of my favorites were going to be there, so I made an appointment with Carrie at The New Pathways for a reading. The earliest I could see her was Tuesday (last night), as she doesn't keep as full a schedule as she once did.

However, at the Fair I was surprised to see Eugenia, a woman I met while taking Risting classes. She is an excellent reader, so I got a reading with her. Long story short: I received two readings in a span of three days, and both basically said the same things (only in different ways).

I asked about my job (and I won't go into that now...that's for a separate post if I have time) and of course my relationship. But this time, I didn't ask about what would happen between Todd and me. This time I asked if there was new love on the horizon. I have finally realized that it is time to move on.

Eugenia said that she saw that I needed to be single for a while, but that there was love in my future. And solid love at that. Carrie did not talk about being single for a while; only that there was new love, but that person wouldn't come into my live until around March of next year. Both said it was time to move on, that the cards revealed that I wasn't loved the way I needed to be loved in this current relationship (duh).

This post isn't really about the readings, though, so I won't go into more detail about those. This post is really about how I was hit with a brick of reality this past week...the readings only served to affirm what was going on in my head already.

Let me first say that I love Todd. I can't imagine living without him, and I probably won't. I think we will be in each other's lives for the duration. However, I just cannot be the "go to" girl anymore.

Facts: he has been dating other women for over a year. He has an online slash phone sex slash hot email relationship with at least one girl that I know about, and from the looks of what I found on one of his profiles, he might even have more than that. And the hardest fact of all: he has been telling me - sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly - for nine years that I am not really the woman that he wants or needs. So, with all of these facts, why is it that he doesn't really understand that I want to put up a boundary now?

Anyway, after these two readings, I realized that mentally, I've moved on. That doesn't mean that I don't occasionally feel overwhelmed with sadness. Or that I'm glad the relationship is on its way to the trash bin. Or that I'm jumping for joy. It simply means that, after nine years of being told over and over again that if only I was more sexual, more this, more that, everything would be fantastic, I realize that even if I was all of that, I still wouldn't be what he wants. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.

And that became clear to me when I looked at his online profile again last week. He had this whole list of what he is looking for in a woman, and it was so not me (as I believe I've whined about before in this journal). Only, this time instead of taking it personally, I realized that he probably doesn't really know what he wants. Or perhaps it is that he doesn't know what sort of relationship is good for him. I think he just threw something out there that was such the opposite of me because "me" didn't work for him.

So how does this go back to Todd and our conversation last night? some point he said that it didn't appear to him that I missed him, at least not in the way that he missed me. And I said that I think that's because mentally, I've just moved on. And that hurt him. And I feel bad that what I said hurt him and perhaps surprised him as well. But what I don't get - what I totally don't understand - is why he would think that I want to continue being in relationship limbo with him - especially after nine years. At some point, it becomes time to move on.

In a perfect world, he would love me. Period. With no ifs, ands, or buts. With no "if only's." But he doesn't. And he never did. He always wanted me to be different. And I'm not.

At some point, he also said that I totally don't understand what's going on with him and this girl - that it is so not serious or something like that. But that's not the point, really, is it? The point is he HAS this girl in his life. He visits with her every day online. He sends her gifts. He engages in phone sex with her. He tells her in email how much he desires her. He even told her that he has marked her as his, and gave her a choker to wear to remind her that she is his. So...not serious? Perhaps. But having a girl on the side doesn't do anything to pull us together.

So, yes, perhaps because of the way he thinks (due to Asperger's) he is able to look at this clinically or in a more detached way...but I can't. And I can't be second fiddle. Or even if I'm first, I don't want some other girls hanging out in the periphery. I am totally and completely monogamous. That is no surprise. I've not ever hid that. I've proclaimed it loudly and proudly.

I'm not saying I have been the perfect mate. I probably haven't been. I'm not a nurturing person, and I know he needs that. I need vast amounts of time alone. I am not the best communicator about my feelings. And yet, while I am lacking in some areas, I feel that I did not get credit for the areas that I tried to change - just for him. And even though I changed some wasn't enough.

I'm sick of not being enough.

I want someone to think I am enough. I want someone to accept the type of love I have to give.

I am sorry that he's hurt by my wanting to move on. And it hurts me as well to move forward without him as my boyfriend. However, for my own peace of mind, it simply is time.

I shouldn't feel guilty about that.

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