The Great American Fix-Up

A while back, I let many of my friends know that if they wanted to fix me up with someone, I was game. An engaged and much-in-love friend of mine took the bait. She has a male friend who she thought I should meet. She admitted she wasn't positive we'd be a good match, but stated that we had some similarities and therefore might be attracted to one another.

I said yes to a meet.

So, she called him and he looked at my picture and said okay. She called me back, and we made plans to meet at Wild River Grille on the 25th. The group would consist of my friend, her fiancé, this guy and me.

I got to the restaurant about five minutes early, and waited outside. My friend is notorious for her lateness. True to form, she was late. She called, and said her fiancé was ahead of her and told me to look for him. Then she asked me if there were any lone men hanging around the restaurant that looked like the guy I was supposed to meet. I did see one guy - but he looked nothing like the picture I had seen, so I told her no.

Shortly after we hung up, a very good looking guy came up to me and said, "You must be Peej. I'm Peter!" He shook my hand, and then turned to the lone guy sitting all by himself and said, "And look - there's Greg!"

Here we were, less than a hundred feet away from one another, and because he didn't look like his picture I had no idea it was him. However, as I look just like my picture - and really, who could miss the red hair - I was puzzled as to why he hadn't come over and introduced himself. I chalked it up to shyness.

We made our introductions, and then got a seat inside the restaurant. I think most of us wanted to sit outside, but Greg's bald spot had gotten sunburned the day before, and so he wanted to be indoors.

My friend arrived about 10 minutes later - but Peter had made conversation easy. It turns out that Greg, my pseudo-date, is quite the talker. He's not funny - but boy can he talk.

And talk.

And talk.

And talk he did, about everything from pointing out his poison ivy infected appendages (his legs, thankfully, were covered), to his amazing chicken soup that cures all ills. He talked about river rafting and skiing and river rafting and kayaking and river rafting and equipment and river rafting and his sunburn and river rafting.

He really likes river rafting.

When the waiter came over for our drink order, I panicked just a tad. See, I'm currently very poor and I wanted to opt for water, but as we were technically meeting for drinks, I decided to splurge on a beer. However, Greg interjected before I could order, "I thought it would be nice if we got a bottle of wine to share."

Gulp. Bottles of wine are expensive...especially at the Wild River Grille. However, everyone else agreed, and I thought to myself, well, I can survive on peanut butter and low carb crackers if I have to... so I nodded my head in agreement. I would have spoken, but I was too afraid my voice would sound shaky and scared.

We decided on a bottle of wine (we couldn't order Cab, which we were leaning toward because Greg doesn't like it. I can't fault him, because if the choice was Chardonnay, I would have had to put a veto in on that as well). I calmed down a bit, thinking that maybe since it was his idea, he was going to spring for it.

I found out later that I was wrong.

We ordered some food and commenced with the fix-up. It would be a lie to say I didn't get a word in edgewise, but well, let's just say I didn't get many words in.

When the bill finally came, my part came to about $25. I panicked a bit inside - I was hoping I could get out of this for about $12, but with the wine and dessert and thank God I couldn't eat the appetizer, my portion was more than I expected it would be.

It's a good thing I have peanut butter at home and some eggs. Looks like homey ain't going grocery shopping for a week or so.

After dinner, we went for a walk and talked. Well... yeah, you guessed it - Greg did most of the talking. I managed to get in a couple of jokes, and while my friend and her fiance laughed, he kind of didn't get them.

Or maybe he did and didn't think they were funny.

Or maybe he thought they were funny but doesn't know how to laugh.

When we all decided to part ways, he was a gentleman and walked me to my car. He said he didn't trust that area of town and wanted to be sure I got to my car safely. I thought that was nice.

At the car, I asked him if he wanted a ride to his car (parked about two blocks away). He declined, shook my hand and said it was good to meet me. Then he said, "Well, I'm sure I'll see you around at some of Jodi's get-togethers."

That's when it dawned on me that he wasn't interested in me.

WTF? Not that I minded, yet I was thinking... hmmm... what just happened here? I dressed up, drove downtown and spent $25 to meet a guy who monopolizes the conversation, has no detectable sense of humor, and it turns out he's not interested in me?

I could have purchased a two-month membership to eHarmony for that - and been rejected ten times for my money, instead of just once.

I also wondered what made my friend think Greg and I could be a match. He's an outdoor guy, and I'm a girl who worships the great indoors. I have a good sense of humor, and Greg wouldn't know a joke if it bit him in the face. He plays instruments and sings, and my greatest musical ambition is to not get gonged at Gong Show Karaoke.

On the other hand, I know my friend thinks highly of both of us, so I am thankful that she thought enough of me to try to jump start my love life. I honestly don't think she completely thought it through. She probably just thought, “Hey Greg is nice and single. Peej is nice and single. Why not?”

When I got home, I asked myself if I would do something like this again. The answer was yes. Not all guys I meet are going to be a match - but if I don't meet any guys at all, then I'll never find a match, will I?

So if you're reading this and you just happen to know some guy who you think would be a match for me, go ahead and fix us up. I only ask that we not buy a bottle of wine to share... at least until I'm making more money.

The Proof is in the Rosemary

I can't write a blog entry without writing the subject line first. So this is going to be difficult for me - right now the subject line is empty and it's driving me crazy. However, the whole "can't write until I have a subject line" thing is the main reason I haven't written lately... so I'm going to try something completely different and just type... and see what comes out.

I have so much on my mind - so many things I've wanted to write about and purge from my system. But these things just keep on mulling around my head, and it's just not healthy. It's not healthy because I don't get them out. They fester and grow and I become so used to their being there that these roadblocks become easy to ignore. Oh yes, they're roadblocks - huge, obtrusive cones that slow me down and make my journey miserable. And I want to move them out of the way, but I've become so adept at sidestepping them that I sometimes forget I have the power to remove them.

This afternoon I was able to ignore the roadblocks and go out on a date - this would be my fourth date recently with someone new. This is a first for me - I have never in my life done this much dating in such a short period of time. Never. And I know some of you women are probably saying, "Yes! Go for it! That's the way to do it!" But me? I simply roll my eyes and say, "Here we go again..."

Because you see for me it's always kind of the same thing: a guy is super interested in me and can't seem to get enough of me until we meet. And then... I dunno. It could be that I'm not showing enough enthusiasm. It could be they're not attracted to me. It could be that they're dating a bunch of others, too, and I am not enough of whatever it is that I need to be to get pushed to the head of the pack. If I think about it too much it'll just make me crazy, so I don't think about it. Much.

I will admit, though, it's a bit disheartening. I come away from these dates thinking, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" Yes, that's right - what is wrong with me? Why don't I ever ask what's wrong with them? I guess I just assume it's me - after all, I spent 11 years with someone who told me I was what was wrong with the relationship - so maybe, as confident as I am and as much as I like myself, I still automatically assume it's me.

Friday I had a pretty good date with someone. It was short: we met for dinner at Outback. He did do that weird thing, though, that I just don't get - he got to the restaurant and grabbed a table. So, I'm assuming we're meeting in the waiting area - I mean, we were supposed to "meet" right? And so I get to the restaurant, look in the bar to make sure he didn't get there before me and grab a drink. Nope. Don't see him. I sit down and wait. The host comes over to me and asks if he can help. I said I was waiting for someone - and he asks if I looked in the bar. I said yes, but I look again, anyway. After all, this is one of those Internet dates - maybe he doesn't look like his photo and I missed him. So I pop up from the seat, look around the bar, don't see him, so I sit back down.

About a minute later, some guy comes over to me and says, "I'm here - I've got a table already." He leads me to the table, where I find he's already ordered a beer and made himself comfortable.

I don't get this. This confuses me - always. Not just this time. It's happened to me before, and I don't get it. How am I supposed to find someone who's already seated in a large restaurant? Isn't that...rude?

I get over myself, though, and sit down and start talking. The rest of dinner went smoothly, and as we walked out of the restaurant he told me that he wanted me to go to his truck - he had something to show me. Uh... okay.

So we get to his truck, and he shows me his dog, who was waiting patiently for his return. He knows I like dogs, so he brought his dog along to meet me. That was sweet, in a country sort of way. After I meet the dog, he says, "I have something else for you." He opens up an ice chest and brings out roses. That was really sweet - and I said so. Then he says, "Well, I don't know what white flowers mean, so please don't read any special meaning into them. I just know you like flowers so I got you some."

Uh... okay.

And then he pretty much wraps it up. I hugged him, walked to my car, and that was it. He didn't say, "I'll call you." He didn't ask me to call him so he knew I got home safely (in fact, not one of these guys has asked me that). So I drive home, not knowing if he enjoyed himself or not.

No problem - I have another date scheduled for Sunday. But honestly? Just between you and me? I'm wasn't really excited about that one. However, he seemed nice and when he asked if I wanted to attend a (free) Artown event with him, I didn't have any reason to say no, so I said yes.

When I got home, I sent my Friday night date a quick thank you - after all, maybe he was just feeling a little insecure. Maybe he wasn't sure if I liked him or not. A "thank you, I enjoyed myself" note might let him know that I did. Or it might make him think I'm a stalker. I win or lose with that one, but I took the chance anyway and sent the note.

Fast forward to Sunday - I was not looking forward to this date. I wasn't dreading it, either, though - it's just - well - damn hot outside. Too damn hot to be sitting at an outdoor music festival. Oh wait. Hip Hop Festival. Yes. Hip Hop. But that's all that was going on today (unless we wanted to look at lavender, and I didn't really think that would be his bag). He had kids, though, so he likes hip hop. Go figure.

I met him and we walked over to the music (and I use that term loosely). The place was jam-packed with tattooed kids - girls and boys alike. As I don't have kids, I didn't realize so many parents allowed kids to get tattoos these days. Frankly, I was amazed and kind of people watched for a while.

We found a place in the shade and sat down. Of course, he wanted to sit near the speakers, which made talking kind of impossible. We shouted at each other periodically, "HOW WAS CLASS?" and "LOOK AT THAT GIRL'S CHUCKY TATTOO ON HER STOMACH!" He looked at his phone a few times - texts, I guess. "How rude," is what I thought, but you know, I'm old-fashioned and I guess if I want a guy who doesn't look at texts during a date, I should maybe date an 80-year-old.

After a couple of hours, he said he needed to go - and again it was loud so I am not sure I heard him correctly, but I could swear he said he had to bring his son to the emergency room. Huh? If it was an emergency, then why did you wait two and a half hours?

We walked out of the park together, and he didn't ask if he could walk me to my car - just kind of said good-bye and next time we should do dinner. Uh... okay.

I guess we can do dinner if I make it to my car safely. BY MYSELF.

As I was driving home, I was listening to the radio and Over My Head by The Fray came on. It reminds me so much of those last couple of months with Mr. Kim - especially the line that goes, "And suddenly I become a part of your past, I'm becoming the part that don't last, I'm losing you and it's effortless." Next thing I know, I feel overwhelmingly sad and worthless all at the same time.

I told myself to hang on...I was almost home. I'll be okay. We weren't good together. Because I somehow think if I tell myself that enough, I'll eventually believe it.

When I pulled into my driveway, I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm home. I'm safe. The date is over, the song is over, I can shake it all off.

Hungry, I started making dinner. My pepper shaker was almost empty, so I went into my pantry hoping I had some pepper in there. I started moving things around and I came across this little tiny jar that was on its side. I thought, "what is that? Capers?" I grabbed it and it felt light. Not capers. I looked at it. It was a small jar of rosemary that my mom gave me a month or so before she died.

I lost it. I started to cry. Well, that's a lie. I started to bawl.

I miss my mom so much. And the truth is, I probably wouldn't confess to her all this crap if she was alive. I wouldn't tell her how much it still hurts that Mr. Kim and I broke up. I probably wouldn't tell her how much I question my worth after these dates. I wouldn't tell her how awful I feel about my life right now. But if she were alive, at least I'd have the feeling that someone loved me and cared about me. That small jar of rosemary showed me how much she cared. She knew how much I loved rosemary and how I was so sad that I couldn't keep a rosemary plant alive. So she sent my dad out to the garden (she couldn't walk then) to cut me some rosemary from her plant - in fact, a rosemary plant that I bought her years before that had grown lush and huge in her care.

After I was done crying, I put the jar of rosemary back in the pantry. I don't know if I'll ever use it. I don't know if I could. But it's tangible proof that at some time in my life, I was worth something to someone. And that someone also loved me enough to give me something I wanted.

And now I've got a title for this blog entry, which eases my anxiety about it somewhat. Now if I could just find someone I love who will love me back... unfortunately I'll probably have to go out on a lot more crappy dates before that will happen.

Link to Redemption

So, this guy I dated is a Christian. You might remember me writing about him before - he's the one who said he couldn't date me because I am a witch, but then two seconds later said it was because I was busy, and three seconds after that said it was because he was scared. Yeah, now you remember.

Well, he sent me an email with a link to some Christian lectures on the evils of witchcraft that he thought I should listen to. I told him thanks, but no thanks - I'd heard it all when I was involved with the independent fundamental Baptists, and didn't need to have my memory refreshed.

I ended the email by stating that the Christians also don't condone pre-marital sex, and asked him if he'd like me to forward him some lectures about that.

I still haven't received a reply. I wonder why?

Wednesday By The Numbers

1) Every time J did something senior specialist-y to my work today, I felt tears of humiliation creep up. No, I didn't actually cry - crying is for sissies. And your mother. Word.

2) The phone rang, but I was nearest to my office phone with the broken Caller I.D. Do I answer and take a chance? Or let it ring? I answered and said, "I hope this isn't a telemarketer." The guy on the other end laughed. Turned out, it was the guy who hooked up my swamp cooler, which brings me to...

3) He told me that he didn't pay attention, and thought perhaps my swamp cooler was on top of my house, so he put his ladder up against my home and climbed on up. He said I'm missing a lot of shingles on my roof. Thank you, Universe. Any thing else you wanna do to screw me?

4) Speaking of screwing, on a whim I went to Goodwill after work. I looked in the protected glass cases to see if there was anything interesting and/or exciting. I saw a book I have on my Amazon wishlist: Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. It had a big old sticker on it: Adults Only (hence it being in the locked case). I scratched my head. It's not porn. I asked to see it, just in case I was wrong. Nope. No nudie pics, no talk of positions, lube, or condom usage. It's just a book about being more womanly. I guess the people at Goodwill don't know how to read.

5) Dinner tonight was low carb flax seed tortilla chips, low carb guacamole, wine, and two squares of Lindt 85% chocolate. I think dessert will be another glass of wine.

p.s. I bought the book, but I guess if I want porn tonight I'll have to surf over to slutload dot com. At least it's free.

It is Finished

“I don’t want to marry that girl!” This is what Todd said to me in August of 2009, on an afternoon when we got together for lunch. Lunch turned into sex. Sex turned into a conversation about regrets.

On that afternoon in August, Todd was frustrated and feeling cornered. Kim was forcing his hand. According to him, she first gave him an ultimatum regarding allowing her to move in. Once in, she gave him another ultimatum about marriage. He was frustrated and fearful and unloaded on me.

And I hate to say it: I was heartened. Maybe we would get back together. Maybe there was still hope for us. After all, that same afternoon he told me that she really didn’t even turn him on, and that he often thought about me when he masturbated. He said just the thought of me excited him, and that it took much more to get excited by her.

And yet… a part of me knew he had moved on. He had closed a door on us, because she wanted to have his baby. And be in business with him. And simply take care of him. I was never the nurturing kind. It taxed my energy to go through his depressive stages and deal with his lethargic nature and propensity to procrastinate. The lethargy and procrastination increased when he was depressed, and there times I felt like I was the only one contributing to the upkeep of the house.

But, she enjoys these things. And I have a feeling she thrives in this atmosphere. According to him, she only wants to make his life easier. And while I didn’t want to make his life harder, not at all, I believe I inadvertently did so.

“I don’t want to marry that girl!” I thought of that when I saw their wedding date posted publicly. It hasn’t even been a year since he uttered that sentence, and there it was in black and white: Todd and Kim are getting married. In fact, they did more than announce it – they filed for a marriage license.

I shook with loss after reading that. And yet, in all honesty, I knew this already. Intuitively. I had a dream about it in March, and another dream about it last week. You could say I knew without knowing. However, seeing the official evidence of it was jarring and upsetting and left me feeling like a failure.

I have never tried so hard to make something a success as I did with that relationship. He wanted me to be more this. More that. I did my best to be more this and that, to no avail. It still wasn’t good enough. I was still not enough.

He would often tell me that he loved me more than I loved him, and that bothered him. Twelve years later, I realize that all the time I was the one who loved him more. After all, I was the one who tried to make it work, despite all odds. Despite his disability. Despite his continued ambivalence about our future. But more than that, my love for him was unconditional. I loved him even though – and I never asked him to change.

“I don’t want to marry that girl.” I remember the frustration and anger in his voice when he almost yelled that sentence out. In fact, his emotional outburst surprised me. I hadn’t even asked about their relationship – and yet there it was. And when I thought about that outburst last night, I cried. Another lie – maybe to himself, but a lie nonetheless.

Why can’t I be over him? Why can’t I let go emotionally? Why does this still hurt so much?

I’m not sure I know all the answers, or maybe I do and I’m not ready to write them all out for fear the answers will expose me as being a loser. All I know is that when I read the news last night, I heard the door lock and I felt lonely, lost, and left behind.

First Child Syndrome

As many of you know, I've been working for a company since December 16th through Applied Staffing as a temp - almost six months for those of you who don't want to take out the calculator. A guy I work with started late March - today I was informed that we are both being hired on FTE.

This should be good news, right? Well, I guess it is - kind of. I mean, yay, benefits. But, at the same time I was informed that I would be taking over one of my co-workers duties, and he would be taking over H's.

I know this is Greek to you: Basically, what it means is that H., who used to be on the same channel, is a T2. As such, she has product launches that need to be off-loaded. Does the more experienced T1 (a.k.a. me, for those of you not in the know) get them? Nope. J gets them.

No wonder he was talking to me about T2 pay today - not only is he getting hired on, but it appears he is on track to be a T2.

And, yes, this upsets me, on several levels. One, that J is getting hired on after only two months, and it took them over five to make up their mind about me. Two, that even though I'm more experienced, they have more confidence in him to run a product launch.

Don't get me wrong: I love J, just like everyone else does. He's easy to like. Calm. Cool. Collected. Knowledge-wise, he's caught on quickly. But without intending to sound like the ugly step-sister, I know what he knows - and probably a bit more. The difference? I've made a few people unhappy on my team.

There are only two reasons why I know this: One, because J. gave me some gentle advice one day about a conversation he overheard after I left work one day. The guys (my whole team is guys - I am the only girl) were upset because I had disputed several Issue Noteds that were given to me.

What is an Issue Noted? It's a "training tool," used to identify mistakes made - which is sent to a QA Team, in the hopes that training would be built around commonly found mistakes. The other guys? When they get an Issue Noted, they move on. But when I get one due to faulty request details or incorrect information given to me, I send a return email back to the Issuer and the QA team, outlining why the mistake was made in the first place.

Simply put: The guys don't like having their part in the mistake highlighted.

I am not bitchy in these emails - I normally am as diplomatic as possible (for me) - but if I'm given the wrong information after I ask how to do a task, and that very same person who gave me the wrong information then writes me up for doing something incorrectly, well - let's just say homey don't play that game.

The reason I know this played into my FTE hiring being delayed and the T2 opportunity being given to J instead of me? Because my boss kind of let it slip - she said she knows that I take the Issue Noteds personally, and that the guys have come to her about that. She said she told them that they don't understand how "girls" feel - and that they tend to take criticism personally. I attempted to nip that in the bud.

I told her that I don't take them personally - and then I laughed and said that, well, not entirely true - in the beginning, when they were called Failed Audit or Failed Validation instead of Issue Noteds, I took them personally. I mean, who wants to see a big FAIL in their inbox when they get to work? But then I told her that yes, I realize the guys think I take them personally, but honestly, if they are the training tool we've been told they are, if X tells me to do something, and then X audits my work and says, "hey, you did this wrong," but I did it wrong because X told me to - well, then we both need to be trained, and the training issue doesn't lie solely with me.

My boss and J are Facebook friends. They IM on and off during the day, talking about movies and stuff. I know when it comes to personality, she simply likes him better. I can't fault her for that - I like him, too. He's a very likable guy. However, because he's so likable, I know that I am being punished for not being as likeable.

I know it takes a while for people to warm up to me. Believe me, I am self-aware. However, I feel that in this case, my work talents were overlooked because of a work relationship that became something more entangled - more personal. And also because J. doesn't dispute the Issue Noteds (even when he admitted to me that there were times he was also given bogus information) - he just rolls with the flow. So, the guys invite him to breakfast and IM him about game nights. But more than that, they used their power as T2s to influence his promotion over me.

I was in the Army, and for a couple of years, I was in a unit that was about 97% male. I know how the good old boy network works. And I feel as if I have been dumped right back into it. I could have taken J's advice and just kept quiet and ignored the bad information. Maybe if I had played nice, I would have gotten hired on sooner. Or been considered for the promotion.

But no - that's not me.

I have what I call First Child Syndrome - or as some people know it: Mommy likes you better than me. As a first child, life is just harder. Those are the scientific facts. Parents are harder on the first child. When they realize that the first child got through major events just fine, they ease up on the second child - they've become more comfortable with child rearing. Somehow though, that first child is still, well, going through firsts. By the time the second or the third comes on through, the parents have it down pat and have relaxed their discipline and their methods. However, this leaves the first child feeling as if Mommy and Daddy like the other kids better.

I went through my whole childhood thinking my parents loved my brother more than me. He got away with murder - I got away with nothing.

My brother was also smarter than me - and this isn't me being hard on myself - it's true. He was smarter. He was in the gifted minors program at school (I realize it's called something different nowadays, but back then that's what it was called). He had a high IQ. He made friends easily.

Life was never easy for me - in fact, I remember my mom saying to me once when I was young that I put in so much more effort than my brother ever did, and still everything came so much harder for me. She was talking about studies, but it really crossed over to everything, from taking me almost a year to learn how to tie my shoes to not being comfortable in my own shoes until I was in my mid-twenties.

At work, it is very clear that I am the ugly step-child. They don't hate me, but they haven't warmed up to me. And because I know this and can feel it, I am not comfortable at work - which just feeds into it.

So today, after being told I was being hired on FTE, instead of being happy, I found myself close to tears. My stomach was tied up in knots. J was going to be promoted - and here I was, six months into it, and still being thought of as the plodding team member, when in reality - if our work was compared side-by-side, it would show I get more done and get it done correctly more often than J. does.

I can't begrudge him this, though - I just wish Mommy liked me as much and saw my potential as well.

Your Ass is Calling

A guy I dated during the 2009 September-October time frame kept my number in his phone. You wouldn't think this would be a problem, except that he has a bad habit of sitting on his phone, causing it to dial my number in the wee hours of the morning. This has been going on for months - the first time, I called him back, and he said he was sorry - he didn't realize his ass had dialed my number. He apologized, and we hung up.

Then it didn't happen for awhile, but for the last few weeks, I've been receiving odd calls at all hours of the night and morning. The latest call was about 11 p.m., and the earliest about 4 a.m. I know it's his butt, because I check caller ID, and it says, "Jeff's Butt." (Kidding - it really says his place of business, because his phone is company-issued.)

Today was the last straw. I went to bed a little too late last night, and was awakened this morning by the phone. I looked at the clock - it was way too early for a sane person to be calling. Could something be wrong with my dad? "Who could be calling me this early?" I said out loud, to nobody in particular.

I grabbed my glasses and stumbled to the phone. By then, the caller had hung up. I checked Caller ID - "Jeff's Butt" had called. Crap - that's it!

I picked up the phone and dialed his number. "Hi Jeff? This is PJammy. Could you please remove your phone number from your phone? Your butt keeps calling me at wee hours in the morning."

"Hi PJammy, I could remove your number, sure."

"Thanks," I said. "it's appreciated, especially since I know you're not going to call me any more."

He said, incredulous, "I'm not? What makes you think that?"

"It's been months..."

"Oh yeah, I guess you're right," and then he assured me he would remove my number from his phone so his butt would stop calling me.

What surprised me the most, though, wasn't so much how his butt seemed to dial my number every single time it sat on his phone, but that he actually seemed surprised that I would think he would not call me again - he seemed to indicate that he had planned to at some time in the future. This is the fourth time this past month I've had this sort of reaction from someone - I don't get it.

Am I really on that many guys' back burners?

Do I really want an answer to that?

Probably not.

Girlfriend?

Today I went on a date with someone I've been seeing on and off for almost two months. I say on and off, because as you, my ardent fans, may remember, this guy gave me three different reasons why we shouldn't see each other any more (1. I was too busy. 2. I'm a witch. 3. I'm a blogger.)

The date today was nice: he took me to Tahoe and we had lunch at The Hard Rock Cafe. Then, he gave me $10 to gamble with, and we hit the penny slots. I won over 56 free games - and walked away with $37 and some change. Guess my horoscope was right: it was a lucky day with regards to finances.

We walked around town, did a little window shopping, and then decided to call it a day. On the drive back, I realized I really didn't want to date him any more. He's nice, but I just don't get excited at the thought of kissing him. Or even while actually kissing him. We held hands on the way home, and I felt like a traitor, because while he was holding my hand, I was thinking "I've got to break this off."

As he was taking me back to my car, he asked if I might want to see his bachelor pad. I said sure. And then the strangest thing happened... I thought maybe he was going to make a move on me at his apartment, and I actually got kind of excited. Well, okay, more than "kind of" - My Scorpio mind was racing - what would it be like? How do I bring up the subject of protection? Would it feel natural or forced?

As we were walking into his apartment complex, we saw a woman piecing together a jigsaw puzzle. He talked to her for a minute, then said, "Carol, I want you to meet my girlfriend PJammy." Um. Girlfriend? Really? When did that happen? I mean, less than two weeks ago you weren't sure of me again. Now two dates later, we're together?

I mulled this over on the way up to his apartment. As soon as we walked in, he realized he had forgotten something - would I wait while he ran to get it? Sure. He told me to look around, make myself comfortable. So I did.

The apartment looked like it belonged to a college kid. Blow up air mattresses in both bedrooms. Rubbermaid storage containers doubling as tables. A couple of posters tacked up on the walls. When he returned, I mentioned something about the dorm room feel - he said he decided to downsize a few years ago and either sold or gave away most of his furniture.

I think he should try to get it back. There's something kind of sad about a 57-year-old using a Rubbermaid container as a table. Especially when, at one time, he had an actual table to use and for some misguided reason decided that Rubbermaid was the way to go.

He took me to his bedroom to see this art deco nightlight he had. I thought "Here we go. PJammy, are you ready? It's been almost a year since you've done this." It turns out, I didn't have to be ready. Because, really, he only wanted to show me the lamp. Then he said, "Well, let's take you back to your car," and off we went.

My body felt let down, but the rest of me was slightly relieved. We didn't have sex. That makes the decision to break this off a little easier.

Not sure the girlfriend comment does, though. That one I may have to mull over some more...

Back To The Future

For the last few months, I've wished I had a time machine. I wouldn't want to go back too far - 10 years outta do it. I would love to go back to the year 2000. That was the year the X-Factor and I went on a "break." He wasn't sure if I could fulfill his needs. He thought our differences might get in the way of us enjoying a lifetime together. He also knew I was a monogamous kind of girl and he wanted to play the field - "sow" his oats (as he put it).

That was in August of 2000. We had tentative plans to meet again 3 months later to see how we felt. One month was enough for me.

I questioned myself. Couldn't I try harder? Couldn't I be more of the type of girlfriend he wanted? So, I asked him out on a date in October. We went back and forth until December, when I demanded that he make a decision between me and another girl he was seeing.

He chose me.

If I could go back 10 years, I would go back to that break period - I would have dated more people. I would have gone out more with my friends and family. And maybe, just maybe, I would have been better off if he had decided three months down the road to stay with Allyson.

See, I think I wasted the next 8 years holding on to someone who wasn't right for me. That point really hit home last night when I was reading "Mars and Venus on a Date." I don't even know why I bought it, really - it was at the Goodwill store and seemed like a bargain for $1.99. In the first chapter, John Gray said, "Sometimes love is not enough."

Yes, it's an old saying. He's definitely not the person to coin the phrase. However, he clarified it by going further, deeper. He said, and I paraphrase, that one of the biggest mistakes men and women make in a relationship is that, after falling in love, they don't acknowledge that sometimes love isn't enough. They don't want to admit that, even though they may love each other, they are not right for each other. That they won't be able to build a future together.

I know this was my mistake.

See, I remember the X-Factor saying this often - that love was not enough. And I acknowledged he was right, but then added my own justifications and protestations: We had what it takes. We were working through our problems - we would get there. And the worst one of all: I could change.

The truth is, I couldn't. I mean, I did all that I could. And I know I changed some - but never enough for him. And I hate to say it, but I don't know that I have a right to be angry with him about that. Oh I definitely have a right to be angry at him for other things - for lies. For the way he strung me along. But the other? Yes, that was my own doing.

In thinking about this further today, I realized that part of the reason I hung in there was because I am more of a romantic than I ever thought I was. I always poo-poo the notion of romance. I'm a realist. I know that romance dies slowly after the honeymoon stage. It kind of peters out slowly... and then before you know it, it's gone.

And yes, while that may be true about romantic gestures and words, the truth is that I had this idea that, even though I KNEW love might not be enough, that it actually was enough. I can't believe I fooled myself in that regard. And I know some if this isn't as simple as I make it out to be - I made allowances because of his disability, of his actual inability to understand someone else's feelings. But still... I thought that love could see us through his disability.

I realize that his current girlfriend is probably a better fit for him. Another book I got from the Goodwill is "Why Men Marry Some Women and not Others." (I know! What's wrong with me? I guess I can't pass up a book bargain - even if it is a relationship book.) The author states that men marry women who push/guide the relationship towards marriage. Women who press for a commitment. Sure, they might not marry every woman who pushes - but it's the pushing that forces them to evaluate the partner and decide if they want to go further or not.

I never pushed.

Should I have? I wonder. I remember a time after our engagement - I wanted an October wedding, and every time I brought it up, he would panic. So, I stopped bringing it up. I told him he could have time to process and decide. Wrong choice to give a procrastinator. He never decided or made a choice.

And so our relationship lasted almost a full eleven years. I would say anything past the first two years was a mistake. The break we took in 2000 should have been the breaking point. I never should have moved to Nevada to follow him, especially without a wedding date in place.

But I did.

Is my life better because of it? In some ways it is. My spiritual journey really took an intense and interesting turn when I got here. But in other ways, this move has been one of the worst things I ever did in my life. I had my own home in California. And savings. I lost both in the move - the home, and the savings when I couldn't get a job in Nevada.

Do I regret what I did?

It's difficult to say yes. It's difficult because I have better friends here than I had in California. I have more learning opportunities when it comes to spiritual things. And I can finally have what I always wanted: straight hair. The dry air here allows me to straighten my hair and keep it that way, without worrying about frizzies or unexpected curls.

Yes, that's a silly reason to like it here. I know - but for my hair, it's a dream come true.

The thing is, there's another saying that holds true: Don't cry over spilt milk. I did what I did, and it kind of doesn't matter - it's done and over with, now I have to deal with it.

"When life deals you lemons, make lemonade." And I guess I have - against all odds (my shyness, the transient nature of the Reno/Sparks area), I have made a life for myself here. I have some wonderful friends. An active women's group. A home I enjoy.

If there really was such a thing as a time machine would I get in it, knowing what I know now? Surrounded by this life I carved for myself? The answer is yes, but in all honesty I'm glad there isn't such an easy fix available. It's kind of fun to make lemonade.

Up In Smoke

Some days, hearing the latest news just angers me. Today is one of those days.

A Florida jury awarded $26.6 million to a smoker's widow. The widow's husband died of lung cancer.

I am outraged that she was awarded this money. She knew the hazards of marrying someone with a smoking habit. Plus, he was a grown-up and made his own choices - he chose to smoke, knowing there could be consequences. So, why should R.J. Reynolds and Philip Morris have to pay?

The truth is, they shouldn't.

I am not a smoker, nor do I think smoking is a smart choice for anyone. But the fact remains: one of the industries that helped America flourish is the tobacco industry. Years ago, we were all over smoking like white on rice. Then it was identified as having certain health risks, and slowly but surely tobacco became the scourge of the nation.

I'm not sure why we, as a nation, have come to vilify tobacco use while we stand up and cheer for legalized marijuana usage. We also stand idly by while our children are over diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and filled with Ritilin. We tout the wonders of alcohol. We ruin our hearing with loud music through our ear buds. We drink water filled with plasticized toxins from clear plastic bottles. We push to get drugs passed quickly through the FDA, apparently not learning anything from drugs like Fen-Fen and Thalidomide.

Believe me, I'm not condoning tobacco use. In fact, my mom died from emphysema. However, I do believe in her right to choose. She chose to smoke. She enjoyed it. She decided to quit a few years ago, and still got sick. Her last months were not fun for her. This I know. But, it was her right to choose how to live, even if it contributed to how she died.

What I do condone, promote and celebrate is our right as a nation to choose. My "drug" of choice is alcohol. I am not a lush or an alcoholic. But when I want to unwind, I turn to a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Sometimes I choose a a healthier option: walking. Yoga. Reading. A bath. But yes sometimes I do the easy thing and pour a glass of wine.

Smokers' rights are pretty much non-existent at this point in time. As a nation, we have hammered down one of the industries that provided a lot of jobs to our country. A smoker should have rights. They should be able to smoke if they want to. The thing is, it is getting harder and harder for smokers to smoke - even in their very own homes.

I find this fact abhorrent.

We silently cheer the fact that they can't smoke. Yay! we say, as we enjoy our smokeless environment. But what many people don't realize is that by allowing the government to dictate what smokers are able, or rather not able, to do, we are giving them permission to take away more of our rights.

We say "Yay" now, but how will we react when rights that hit closer to home are taken away? Or will we even notice? I'm afraid by the time rights that are near and dear to our hearts are taken away, we'll be so used to the government taking things away that we'll be numb to it.

So to all you sheeple out there who think this broad deserved 26.6 million dollars, I tell you this: you just opened up another door to frivolous action suits and your idle apathy is slowly erasing our right to choose. To that I say, you are all a bunch of robotic morons and are screwing it up for those of us who fought hard to keep America an independent nation.

Dumped

Although I was keeping it on the down low, for the last month I have been dating someone. Only a few friends knew, because this guy is someone who was liked, or should I say “like liked,” by some women in my circle. So, instead of rousing jealousy without need, I didn’t mention it – figuring that if the relationship fizzled, no harm done and no feelings were hurt (except maybe mine).

I’m not going to sit here and say the guy was everything I wanted and more. He wasn’t. But, I saw potential. Just because he didn’t meet all my parameters (age, height, number of past marriages), that didn’t mean he was out of the running. He treated me well. He was complimentary. And he seemed communicative.

Turns out “seemed” is the operative word.

We had dinner plans for Tuesday – he was going to come over for corned beef and cabbage. I was excited to be having him over for the first time. And then it happened – the dreaded dump email. Yes, email.

“Peej, let’s hold off on dinner…” was how he started, and went on to find all kinds of reasons that, while he could see himself falling in love with me, he could no longer date me. The main reason he stated was my “busy-ness.” I was always doing something, and he didn’t have confidence that I could live a quiet lifestyle. I explained to him that I often filled my time with extracurricular activities because I was single – but if in an exclusive relationship, of course my priorities would change.

Turns out, it’s not the busy-ness. It’s the whole witch “thing” as he put it.

I find this irritating and annoying and maddening. Why? Because 1) he knew I was a witch going into this. 2) We have never discussed it. He hasn’t asked me any questions about it, and I don’t bring it up. I wasn’t going to try to convert him or anything. And, if he would have ever bothered to ask me, he would have discovered that spiritually, we have a lot of the same beliefs, including the big one: God.

I am also irritated because while he says he’s a Christian and therefore cannot be cavorting with a witch, he doesn’t go to church (as least as far as I’ve been able to determine from how he spends his Sundays). He doesn’t pray before eating. He doesn’t tote around a bible. In fact, he’s never mentioned his faith, his beliefs, or his spirituality.

That aside, as I mentioned before, he never discussed these issues with me. My lifestyle. What I do. According to him, I’m gentle. Tender. Nice. “The perfect woman.” (His words – not mine.)

I have determined the real issue here is that he’s not ready for a relationship. These excuses are – well – excuses. They would hold weight if he had discussed them with me. Explored them with me. Found me to be unwilling to make allowances for him in my life. But no, he just made a blanket assumption, and that angers me. Because in every other way, he did everything he could to express his interest in pushing us further. He told me he hoped we would become exclusive. He bought me presents. Contacted me several times a day. Complimented me almost to the point of overkill.

So, if I’m all that and a bag of chips – the woman he could see himself falling in love with – why the sudden exit?

I know the answer and it angers me. But, I’m not one to hold a grudge – instead, I’m just moving on. Got any single guy friends you wanna fix me up with?

Funky Town

Today's horoscope: Peej, there are some really funky energies in your love life right now. If you don't get yourself into a secret passionate affair, you may still be surrounded with interesting, unusual suitors. One word of warning, remember that hot passion sometimes burns out quickly.

There aren't just funky energies in my love life, there have been funky energies in my life all freakin' week. When I talked to one of my best friends today, she said it was the same with her. The energy this week has been draining and erratic and full of barbed wire.

I really hope this next week will be better.

As for the romance part of the horoscope, I have had some unusual suitors. One guy hit on me at the grocery store. Another guy who recognized me from an online dating site creeped me out by trying to find out when the last time was I "made love." First, anyone who knows me knows I hate the term "make love." Ugh. Secondly, really? Do I look like the kind of girl who is going to spill all my sexual secrets to a stranger? Ugh.

As for the secret passionate affair, I'm working on it.

Cloudy Day

Today's Tarot:
The Sun Reversed
The Sun Reversed Clouds may be obscuring truth. Not as bright as things could be, but not dark either. A mitigating of circumstances. Possible sadness. Burn out from a job or relationship. Time to sit this one out until bright sun returns. Positive energies dampened, but not completely gone. Focus on good still at hand until time passes. Confusion and concealment. Truth is still there, but may be hidden.

***

Yesterday was a horrible day at work. It should have been a good day - it was my first early day, my first chance to get off at 4 p.m. I knew I only had one thing on my plate - a request that I should have come in to find in the status of "Pending Closure." Instead, I found a note from the auditor - the whole request had been done incorrectly, and the ensuing steps to correct it took all day - and most of the night.

The problem? The first validator didn't quite know what to look for, and therefore okayed the import template. Once the data was imported, it of course generated incorrect data. To the untrained eye, the data looked correct. However, to the more experienced auditor, it was wrong and had to be redone.

And of course, these things never go smoothly. The tools wouldn't work. Canceling the parts became a nightmare as the import tools kept generating errors. I ended up crying out of frustration - thankfully not at my desk and not in the bathroom - I was lucky enough to find an empty office, closed the door, and stayed in there until I could compose myself.

In the light of a new day, I hate myself a little for getting that frustrated. But I did, and now I just need to move on.

The day was probably a little more tension filled than normal anyway because another new person on my team was let go. I have a feeling it wasn't due to performance - he kept taking days off to go to other interviews. Still, it's always unnerving to have someone fired, especially on a day when nothing is going right and I couldn't look at myself and say, "At least my performance is good." Yesterday, it wasn't.

Again, I know the fault wasn't entirely mine. The import never should have passed validation in the first place. But it did, and the time it took to fix the request meant it wasn't finished on time, which will cause another slight in metrics.

I'll take my cue from the card: the sun is gone for now, but it'll be back. I'll hold on the the promise that positive energies are not completely gone and wait for the clouds to part. Until then, I may just need to be patient and realize that not every day can be a winner.

The Bad Guy

Two years ago, I had this little nugget of an idea for a group of women. I knew I wanted to call it The Black Hat Society. I also knew I would prefer it to be a women-only group. And… I knew I wanted the group to be mostly for older women who practiced magic. And to me, that was the key: I wanted real practitioners – not dabblers or wannabes or those with only a passing interest.

A close friend of mine hashed out details with me. She had a few ideas, and added to my own the “Black Hat Society – Reno” was born. I put a lot of time into organizing that first meeting. I advertised everywhere I could think of. When it finally came time for the first meeting, I was nervous – would anyone besides my friend show up?

We were pleasantly surprised – we had a modest attendance at that very first meeting. And with the exception of one woman who moved away, and another who just never came again, the women have stayed. And we grew – we’re not big, but we’ve managed to keep our numbers about the same month after month after month.

I feel as if I’ve been lucky in that the woman who have become members are women I adore. They’re nice. They contribute, both their time and sometimes their homes. But as with any fringe group, there are bound to be a few infiltrators that come in that don’t fit in.

A few months ago, we had a monthly open meeting and not one, not two, but three women came who had never been before. And I can honestly say I didn’t want any of them there. Ever. Again.

One woman was actually a man, I think. Well, that’s the general consensus, anyway. And he/she spoke a lot about sex – about wanting it, about getting it, about missing it. Another was new to the Craft – and it was doubtful she even practiced. She just decided one day that she wanted to be a witch, and boom, showed up at our meeting. The third, well, I’ve come in contact with her at other meetings around town – she’s a dabbler. She might actually practice magic, but she doesn’t really stick to any one group. She flits around and while nice, is kind of flaky.

The list for the group is private. I don’t invite people to join unless they are actual members. So, I made up my mind that night that I was not going to invite these women to join. While they all gave me their email addresses, in fact, pressed me to take them, I didn’t invite them to join. Thankfully, they’ve never returned to an open meeting.

Around the same time, another woman came to try us out. She moved here from Oregon and practices green magic. She’s into herbs and global warming and cleaning the house with herbal concoctions instead of store bought substances. In Oregon, she was in charge of several groups. So while I found her to be nice, I also watched as she subtly took over the meeting with her own agenda.

She came to a few meetings, and I was never quite happy with having her as part of the group. She could monopolize the conversation. She ws so used to being in charge that it was difficult for her to let someone else facilitate. Still, the other women seemed to like her so I made sure to include her. At some point she dropped out, and after several unanswered emails from me asking her if she was going to return, I took her off the list and breathed a sigh of relief. I had done my due diligence – she didn’t respond, and I felt my obligation was over with.

Flash forward a few more months. She started her own group and her own herbal institute. But now that she’s trying to get members, who does she come back to? That’s right: BHS. She first found out she was no longer a member when she tried to post an advertisement for her own group to our list and wasn’t able to. That’s when she contacted me and asked me to advertise for her.

I did not. But because I felt a little bad for her, (after all, I remembered what it is like to start a group from scratch) I did announce her new group at our next monthly meeting, just in case someone was interested. They all said they weren’t, and so that was that.

Kind of.

Her group is slow growing, so she is reaching out to me again. She came to our open meeting last night, and has been hounding me since to join our mailing group. Last night she asked if she could post her own stuff to our group. I hesitated. It felt like everyone turned to me, and not knowing how to say “no” nicely in such a public forum, I said, “sshhhhhure.”

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning because I absolutely do not want her pushing her green agenda in my group. It’s great that she believes. It’s great that she has her own thing. But that’s not our thing. And my group is not an advertising venue. So I know I’ve got to regroup and say “no.”

I’ve also got another member I’ve got to deal with as well. It’s been on my mind for a long time, but the time has come for me to take a stand. I hate being the bad guy. However, I guess part of being a leader is making those hard decisions. No one really likes to do it – I found this out the hard way when I thought I’d have to leave Reno and I asked the group if anyone would like to step up and take over. No one did. You see, most people just like to follow. I can’t fault ‘em for that – it’s easy to follow. To have the schedule made out for you. To have someone else worry about scheduling and coming up with topics and teaching classes and dealing with the occasional oddball who crosses our paths.

And so here I am, filled with the knowledge that I have to do the hard thing. It’s the right thing in the long run, but hard to do. As my instructor would say, everything has a price. The price for keeping the integrity of the group is being the bad guy, and like it or not, I know I am willing to pay the price.

Verdict

Actually, I think the jury's still out - not on the date, per se, but on how many dates will follow.

Don't get me wrong - the date was nice. He was gentlemanly and paid a lot of attention to me. He said a lot of the right things. But, he also said a lot of the wrong things. He's kind of crude. Has an odd sense of humor. On top of that, he tells the corniest jokes I ever heard outside of the Merv Griffin show.

But he brought me flowers. And he said things like "You're the prettiest woman in this restaurant," and "I like that you're smart." He told me I could have anything I wanted - even the most expensive thing on the menu (but homey don't roll that way). We shared our food. We talked about a lot of different things. He didn't talk over me like my last date constantly did.

When he asked me if I'd like to do it again, I said yes. Why not? I had no real reason to say no.

And that's not to sound callous - I felt the same after my first date with Todd, and look, we lasted almost eleven full years. So I guess you could say that this bodes well.

In some ways, he's a lot of things I don't want in a partner: he's a full foot taller than me. He's ten years older than me. He used to be a pothead. He's been married THREE times before. He doesn't really like alcohol. He likes to take life slow.

I prefer guys around my height. I tend to like 'em younger, or right around my age. I've never done drugs in my life. I've never been married before. And while I wouldn't say I take life "fast," I do live a fairly active lifestyle - classes, outings with friends, activities, BHS, Hot Stix - I'm always doing something. Unless I'm not. But most of the time I am.

Then again, focusing on our differences might be a moot point. After all, opposites attract. I know that too well - and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Not at all.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

I have a date on Saturday night. It'll be my first date since my mom died. It's weird to me how life just goes on without her.

I'm really looking forward to this date, and not for the usual reasons. I can find every reason in the book NOT to like this guy. He's ten years older than me - I tend to like 'em around my age. He once told me he could never date me, because I'm a witch. He's a foot taller than me - I like 'em short.He's corny, and I prefer sarcasm.

But...

I dunno. I sense he is a good man. He called several times this week while I was sick just to see if I needed anything. He actually wants to come pick me up for our date, you know, like how it used to happen in the good old days. And he made plans, but gave me veto power after saying, "Whatever you want. Always."

I dunno what might be going through your brain as you read this, but as for me, I think this bodes well for the future.

The Friday Five

1)I discovered that busy weeks don’t fill up the emptiness inside of me.

2)The saying “Be careful what you wish for because it might come true” resonated deeply with me this week. Don’t get me wrong - I love my new hours – however, getting out the door by 7:30 a.m. is proving to be a huge problem for a girl who spent the last year staying up until the wee hours and sleeping in late.

3)Speaking of my new improved work hours, I was able to make free drinks night on Wednesday at GSR this week – the first time in two months. Spent some time with girlfriends and had a nice time.

4)Just when I thought it was safe to wear sweaters and long sleeved shirts, my hot flashes came back. Before you know it, I’ll be stripping in public again. Thank God I don’t go commando.

5)I didn’t make it to the gym at all this week. Twice I even changed into sweats, and drove out of the community – but still didn’t find myself on the elliptical. Did I get lost? Or did I just fizzle out? I dunno – but my hips are really mad at me this week, so I might have to placate them with a trip to the gym this weekend.

More Questions Than Anwers

Last year at this same time, I started dating The Sailor. We dated for about two months, and then he left for sea. He told me at the beginning that he didn't want anything serious. That worked for me, as I had just broken up with the X-Factor and wasn't sure I wanted anything serious, either.

We spent two months together - kind of always doing the same thing. Dinner, movies at his place, and then some naked time. Believe me that when I say "naked time" it was only naked time - we didn't do anything. Not for lack of trying - but he seemed to kind of peter out in that department (pardon the obvious pun).

I liked him. He treated me with respect, he was of high moral character, and if he said he'd call, he would call. When he left for sea, he said "let's keep in touch and see what happens." We did - and nothing much happened.

He came back into town in August and called me up. He asked me out to dinner. We had a nice dinner out, went to Hot August Nights, and then (since I was driving) back to his place. As we parked, he said "I'd invite you in, but I got back with my ex-girlfriend so I can't." And that was kind of that.

I told him not to feel weird about it - I could tell he did. I was glad he told me in person, although some of my friends were all "WTF?" I dunno - maybe it's because I know him, but I knew that he felt it the right thing to do to tell me in person, so I did not take offense at all.

I did feel a little sad, but not majorly so. I mean, this was a casual relationship at best. Nothing deep, and not a whole lot invested, other than some time.

He said we'd keep in touch, but it really kind of dropped off after the girlfriend bomb was exploded. So imagine my surprise when a couple of weeks ago I returned home to find a message from him on my machine. He'd been in town and called me to take me out to dinner. Unfortunately for me, I missed out. But I called him back and he said next time he came to town he'd give me a "shout."

True to his word, he called me Thursday saying that he knew it was short notice, but he was flying in on Friday night - if I picked him up at the airport, he'd promise he'd make it worth my while. I said yes, and plans were made.

I picked him up, we went to Claim Jumper, and had a nice time. We sat and talked over dinner - and he told me some stuff going on with his job and his career. I was a little surprised at how much he divulged, only because we always kind of kept it light before.

After dinner, I took him home and he invited me in. Huh? I was confused. I told him that I was sure he probably just wanted to get settled, and he said yes and no - that I was welcome to come in. I declined. I don't know why I did - but I did.

I should have simply asked him about his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or whatever. I didn't, so now it's the next day and I'm not sure what it was all about. He said he would like to see me again this weekend, and I said I would love to see him as well. So there's that to maybe look forward to.

I kind of wish I had said yes, but I kind of am glad I said no. I guess you could say I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not. It would have been nice to go in and see what was up. Then again, I'm not sure I'm ready for disappointment yet.

Still, he did send me a quick email to let me know it had been nice to see me again so I took the opportunity to tell him I always enjoy his company. And that's true - I always have. It's been nice and easy-going and consistently pleasant.

I just wish I knew what he had in mind so I could proceed without caution.

The One That Got Away

The other day I picked up a magazine and there was an article in it about “the one that got away.” Both women and men told their sob stories on how someone special got away. Well, I’ve got news for you criers: There’s a reason the person “got away.” It’s because they weren’t the one. So stop yer cryin’ and get on with life.

I guess this article hit a nerve because I went through my own period of remorse after breaking up with the X-Factor. But serious introspection showed me that we really weren’t each other’s “one.” Of course, I’m not convinced his new gal is his “one” either, but that’s not my problem and I shouldn’t even be going there. The truth is, if I was his “one,” he would have treated me better. If he was my one, well… I don’t know, honestly. I think I did my best – and maybe that’s where people get hung up. Just because you might feel someone is your “one,” that doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual. And that alone means the person isn’t “the one” for you (or me, as the case might be).

My point is: There’s a reason they got away. They were never really yours in the first place. As King James might say, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Instead of looking at these old romances as “the one who got away,” I encourage us all to look instead at them for what they really are: important people in our lives. After all, we learned something from the one who got away, didn’t we? We either learned something important about ourselves, about the world, about relationships in general.

The relationships we had with these people – no matter how short-lived – left a lasting impression for a reason. I don’t believe that reason is so that we can pine away focused on unrequited love. The reason is so much deeper than that – so instead of crying, celebrate. Celebrate that you are in a different place because of that person. You have a different outlook. You learned something new – about the world, about relationships, about yourself.

So the one that got away? Not at all. That person is with you much more than you’ve been aware of – and that’s a good thing.

No More Crying

Today’s tarot card: Eight of Cups

In search of something missing in life. Searching for a piece of the puzzle to a loving relationship or fulfilling life. A person in search of loving partner. Patterns have been repeated only to give same outcome. A letting go. Going forth alone to find happiness and fulfillment. Improvement of a difficult situation. New hope and vitality. Weariness and apathy.

I haven’t been paying much attention lately to my “tarot card of the day” app. However, when I took a quick look at today’s, it really hit home.

I don’t know why, but I’ve had Todd on the brain. It’s over. It’s been over. We haven’t even spoken since September. But… yeah. I hate it when this happens. When I’m brushing my teeth and think of a lie I caught him in. When I’m washing my face and think of the betrayal. When I’m putting my shirt on and break down and cry.

It’s over.

Why am I going backwards?

It could be because Valentine’s Day is approaching. And while this normally wouldn’t put me over the edge, it was two days after Valentine’s that we broke up last year. For good. It was when he told me he had plans with Kim instead of me for Valentine’s Day that I realized we were no longer “redefining our relationship” as he put it – “working on our relationship” was how I put it. The vernacular didn’t matter – whatever we called it, it wasn’t happening any more. Time to call it quits and move on.

Let’s face it: last year was a year of loss. I am grieving many losses – so perhaps I should be gentler with myself when I find myself going backwards. The thing is, I’ve always been tough on myself. I expect a lot from myself. Growth, for instance. I do not want to be that girl who can’t get past the loss of someone. I’ve never been her before, and I don’t want to be her now.

And so… I think of my relationship with the Eight of Cups. I guess I am searching. More than that, I am moving forward. Letting go. Or at least, that’s what I’m doing on my good days.

Saturday will be a day of cleansing. I am taking down my Christmas tree. Putting away the decorations. Straightening up the house. And when it’s all done, I’ll sage my home. Clear out the bad vibes. Make way for the good.

As I was telling myself this morning: Baby, it’s a new year. Keep on keepin’ on. Smile, and the world smiles with you. At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

The Friday Five

1) This was my first full work week in over a year. It was long, it was hard, and it felt damn nice to be there.

2) Some things take longer to forget than others.

3) I wish Donald Dishman would stop giving out my phone number as if it was his. I am tired of yelling at his bill collectors.

4) I've missed quite a few people this week. Just call me your melancholy baby.

5) Just as I started to think I was "getting it" at work, I learned that really isn't true - but at least they haven't given up on me yet!

Cutbacks

I’m cutting back on coffee again. Not that I’m a caffeine addict or anything – however, Dr. Atkins believed that caffeine could interfere with weight loss, and so I’m cutting back to one cup a day (from two). Not sure if it’s necessary – after all, because of a bad case of reflux I can’t drink “real” coffee. So I drink Kava, a low-acid instant coffee an old boss of mine turned me on to. Being instant, I don’t believe it has the caffeine punch of regular coffee… still, I have cut down.

I got into the habit of drinking an afternoon cup of coffee when I was not working. My sleep schedule was off kilter and so when the late afternoon hit, I would find myself ready for a nap. Instead of napping and risking throwing my sleep schedule off even more, I would fix a cup of Kava. This started off as an occasional thing, then a more frequent thing, and then a regular thing. Soon, I found it a habit – at approximately 2 p.m. every day, I would stop whatever I was doing an head for the kitchen. I heated the water, measured out the coffee and cream, and in two minutes and thirty seconds I was enjoying my second cup of coffee of the day.

During my “time off,” I gained weight. Strange, since I was going to the gym. Well… actually, probably not as often as I should have. Or could have, given the circumstances. I guess laying around the house in my pajamas bemoaning my circumstances didn’t do much good for my metabolism. Or, if Dr. Atkins was correct, having that second cup of coffee everyday didn’t help either. So here I am, muddling through the day on one cup of coffee. I haven’t noticed a difference in my weight yet, but I do have great hope that I will.

Of course, sometimes all one simply has to do is get off one’s ass and get to the gym. I’ll try that next month.

Hump Day Ramblings

I swear it feels as if I haven't had one cohesive thought today. My mind has jumped around all day, and it all started when I was in the car driving to work. At a stop light, and seemingly from nowhere, I thought of my mom. I realized that next week will be three months since her death, and I started to cry.

When I say that thought came from nowhere, it really did. I had just finished singing a song on the radio - one that didn't remind me of her at all. The next thing I know, this thought popped into my head and the water works began.

I composed myself before getting on the freeway, and made it to work on time and with most of my eyeliner still intact. At work, I tackled a training exercise given to me yesterday - one that was difficult and had gotten stuck on. I told myself I was going to clear my mind and just get through it. Just as I was starting to clear my mind, one of my co-workers called me over. He wanted to show me a request he was working on.

So, my mind wasn't cleared after all - just simply refocused. While it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, it still worked. I went back into my cubical and started back on my project.

At some point, it finally started to make sense. I was so happy - I still had to muddle through it kind of slowly, but I noticed I was getting the hang of it. I even used a vlookup to check data, and it worked.

Even though my mind jumped around a bit at work, it jumped around on work related topics, so it was all good, that is, until I got into the car to go home. Now, while I was walking to my car (in the dark), I felt good about my day. It was the first time since I started there that I felt like "Hey, I'm gonna get this!" I got into the car and headed towards home...but was sidetracked by Goodwill.

I wasn't gonna stop. Then I was gonna stop. Then I wasn't. Then I was. Then I was off the freeway, headed towards Goodwill. I was about to park, when a cat jumped in front of my car to grab some food. Huh?

I backed up, he ran away. I pulled in, and went after him. Poor little kitten - looked extremely cute, but wouldn't come out from underneath a car. I talked to him, he talked back. I wanted to get him, because he didn't run well - I thought he was injured. He kept talking, and next thing I knew, he ran back towards my car to get the food. I never saw this "food," but I know it was there. It was probably something from McDonald's (which is in the same shopping center).

Once it became clear I wasn't going to get the cat, I went into the store and looked around. Once again I was hit with memories of my mom - I thought of something silly - how for the last few months before she died, she really wanted a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Now, you know, it's one of those things I know I've seen a hundred times at garage sales and thrift stores, but the minute she wanted one, I couldn't find one anywhere.

And I looked.

I had gotten into the habit of looking at dolls at Goodwill to see if I could find one, but of course I've stopped now. But the thought of that hit me so hard - just "Why couldn't I have found one before she died? Why couldn't she have one before she passed away?" I felt myself tear up again, and realized it was time to go.

One more time I scoured the parking lot for the kitten. I looked under my car. I walked a bit around looking for it. I couldn't find it. I was disappointed - not because I want another cat because I don't - but because I just don't think it was in good shape and it really needed some care.

Now I'm home and I'm restless. My mind goes from one thing to another - some things I am not ready to talk about, even here. Other things are just silly and strange and kind of random. I'm wondering if I'll get any sleep tonight, because my mind just doesn't seem to want to quit.

If it weren't for the fact that I have the beginnings of a migraine, I would down some alcohol to insure a fast getaway into dreamland. Looks like I'll have to do it the hard way or not at all.

The Best and the Worst

I wish I could remember when I was so glad to see a year die, but unfortunately I remember the year: 1987. It was the year that I was attacked in my apartment and almost raped. The year hadn't been any better before that point, and it certainly got worse afterward. I look at that year as the year when I realized bad things could happen - and honestly, nothing was quite the same after that.

As the years have gone by, they've been a mix of both good and bad. I can honestly say that before 1987, most of my adult years could be classified as "good." After 1987, I counted it a great year if the good outweighed the bad.

But 2009 has nothing on 1987 - nothing. This has been, by far, the worst year I've been through. However, as nothing is truly ever bad, I've highlighted some of the good things as well.

The Best of 2009

1) Living on my own - again. It's been years since I've been living in my own home. Granted, I bought this home about two years ago, but didn't really live in it on my own until a year ago. Before that, I was still spending time at the X-Factor's house - both with him and without (as I was still dog sitting when he went away on long trips). While I do believe I would like to eventually live with someone again - preferably married this time - I do enjoy having a house to myself.

2) Friends. If it weren't for some of my friends, I have no idea how I would have made it through the year with my sanity intact. There were so many instances when I thought I couldn't make it through another day and I'd get a call or an offer for a night out, and I knew I'd be okay...again.

3) Family. While my mom is no longer living, it is because of her and my dad's generosity that I was able to stay in my home this past year. Unemployment would not have paid the bills - if it weren't for a gift from my folks, I would have lost the home I so love and enjoy.

The Worst of 2009

1.) Unemployment. I was laid off in December of 2008, and spent all of 2009 looking for work. I didn't even get my first interview until April or May of 2009 - and after that, it was a series of rejection after rejection. As someone who has been working in some form or fashion since the age of 8, being jobless for a whole year was one of the worst things that has happened to me - ever.

2) My break-up. This is a hard one to talk about - even now. I don't know if I can even sum it up succinctly. Suffice it to say that as time went on, I realized that I was probably being cheated on long before I ever caught on. I should have left years ago - so I'm just as mad at myself as I am at him, if not more. For the most part, I have forgiven myself and am moving forward - but sometimes I still like to beat myself up over it.

3) My mom's death. I knew my mom wasn't doing well, but I had no idea how unwell she really was. Her death hit me hard - and I understand from talking to friends who have lost their mom's that the hurt and emptiness really never goes away. My only hope is that it will get easier with time.

4) Bad behavior. I don't know if it was the year's bad mojo or if people just went a little wacko this year, but I was on the receiving end of some really bad crap. Four make it to the top of the list - mostly because I encountered several sleepless nights over them:

A) Lost a friendship that had lasted over 20 years. I'm still not entirely sure what happened here - if you listened to his side of the story, you'd wonder why he was ever my friend in the first place. His nasty email which notified me that our friendship was severed spewed hate-induced venom and I'm not sure what I did to deserve that.

B) Lost a new friendship. This one shouldn't hurt me as much as it does, because 1) she hadn't been in my life long and 2) she was kind of crazy, anyway. Still, it did and to this day I still work at mending the fence, but I fear it has been torn down for good.

C) Internet stalker. You know, this is one of those things Dateline warns about but you think it will never happen to you. Well, guess again. I've been dealing with this guy for months now, and he still hasn't stopped. He also harasses my online friends, and poses as me while he does it. The ones who are stupid fall for it. The smart ones know it's him. Either way, it has strained some of my relationships and I am sometimes afraid I'll never shake this guy.

D) Sympathy card from the X-factor's fiance. Yeah, you read that right - the girl who won't allow him to contact me and threw a fit any time I called him sent me a card signed by the both of them. Why he would ever think this was a good idea is still beyond my reach. "Oh yes, honey, I know how you've made your hate for her clear in the past, but I think sending her this sympathy card from the both of us would be an excellent idea." Ugh.

I've been sitting here thinking "There has to be a five..." but I guess not, seeing as the bad behavior category kind of encompasses a lot of random bad crap, including Boner Fest 2009, formerly known as the November Cupid Birthday Bash. I didn't go into details on that one...but it does fall under the Bad Behavior category quite well.

Yes, 2009, I am so glad you are gone. "A good riddance to bad rubbish." 2010 is going to be better, dammit - I demand it!

Good-bye 2009, Hello 2010

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Had a one night stand.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make resolutions - that way, I have nothing to break!

3. Did anyone close to you die?
My mom. I still can't believe she's gone

4. What countries did you visit?
The Republic of California

5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Money! Okay, and maybe a boyfriend. Or a boy toy. Or some sort of male thing-a-ma-jiggy.

6. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 10th, because that was the day my mom died.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not committing suicide.

And in case you think that's a joke, it really isn't.

8. What was your biggest failure?
I can't help but think I failed as a daughter. I knew my mom was sick, but admittedly not as sick as she apparently was. Still, I should have known my parents were keeping something from me and I should have spent more time with them last year.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
In this area, I was blessed - I was pretty healthy this past year. The two health issues I had, I was able to take care of with OTC meds.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Just one thing? I had so much luck at Goodwill this year - I found a lot of books on witchcraft and a couple of really cool tarot decks. Plus, with my dad's help I just got a Wii this week! I haven't set it up yet, but I can't hardly wait to do so!

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend, Denise's. She was a true friend when I needed one the most.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't like the word "made." No one can make me feel something. Yet on the other hand, their actions can trigger a reaction in me. However, there were some people I encountered whose behaviors appalled me, especially my "friend" Colleen.

I was also appalled at my own behavior with a someone. I apologized, yet I still haven't totally forgiven myself for it.

As for depressed... yeah, I had that, too. But I don't want to talk about it any more.

13. Where did most of your money go?
Mortage, bills, food and a couple of emergency repairs (house, car, etc.).

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This was not a year of excitement for me, so using the "really really" doesn't apply. However, I enjoyed seeing Joel McHale at the Silver Legacy, and also was pretty excited about the Black Hat Society's annual participation in the October Wine Walk. Witches Rule!

15. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
"Good-bye to you" by Scandal. Yes, I know it wasn't released this year - but it will remind me of this 2009 for years to come.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Happier.

ii. Thinner or fatter? Guess.

iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer, dangnamit.

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading for fun. Spending time at the park. Having sex.

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Hibernating.

19. How will you be spending Christmas?
Hopefully with my dad, if the weather holds up.

20. How will you be spending New Years?
New Year's Day will be spent with my covenmates.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.

22. How many one night stands?
One.

23. What were your favorite TV programs?
Cougar Town. Life. Life on Mars. Medium. The Big Bang Theory.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't tend to "hate" people. There is someone I really dislike, though!

25. What was the best book you read?
Whistling in the Dark by Lesley Kagen.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pink (I know - she's been around for a while, but I've been listening to talk radio for the last five years or so!).

27. What did you want and get?
A job.

28. What did you want and not get?
A loving relationship with a guy.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
It's a tie between "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Julie and Julia."

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my birthday, I was fortunate to be able to spend it with my dad in California. We went to the flea market and then to my favorite book store, Half Price Books. As for my age - who knows? I've been lying about it for so long, I'm not sure I really even know any more.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A lot of things - but if I were to narrow it down to just one thing, I'd say "a job."

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Sweats and pajamas, and sometimes the two were mixed together.

33. What kept you sane?
Exercise, wine, classes and my friends. I have to say, I have some really excellent friends. God has blessed me richly in that department.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
It's probably still Chef Colicchio from Top Chef, although if I were younger, I am sure I'd be pining over Daniel Radcliffe.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Government bailouts.

36. Who did you miss?
My mom.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Suz. While technically I met her in July of 2008, we didn't see each other again until January of 2009. We really hit it off, and she has become one of my closest friends since then.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Let people help. I have been independent for so long - I hate asking people for help. But this year, I had to - and I was surprised at how much people - well those close to me, anyway - not just wanted to help, but actually put their money where their mouths were and sprung into action.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last."
--Counting Crows

And the future?


In 2010...
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Hopefully, no. I have every reason to believe this temp job will morph into something more permanent. It feels like a good fit, and I absolutely already love three of my co-workers.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Duh. Of course!

3. New house?
Hopefully not!

4. What will you do different in 2010?
I don't know if there's something in particular I feel that I have to do differently. I will continue to work on myself, to grow, to learn, to strive to be a contributing member of society. I am sure I will still have my foibles and my limitations, however I will continue to move forward, just as I have always done.

5. New Years resolution?
I don't make New Years' resolutions.

6. What will you not be doing in 2010?
One thing I definitely will not be doing in 2010 is having a baby! Other than that, who knows? "Never say never!" After all, I said I'd never have a one night stand, and now look at me, sullied, disheveled and satisfied!

7. Any trips planned?
No trips planned, but I would love to get to Carmel again this year.

8. Wedding plans?
WTF?

9. Major thing(s) on your agenda?
Nope.

10. What can't you wait for?
Spring.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I would like to see government voting differently, planning differently, and organizing differently - I am so afraid of the direction our country is going.


12. What about yourself will you be changing?
This is a secret.

13. What happened in 09 that you didn't think would ever happen?
I didn't get a job until my unemployment ran out. I sincerely thought I'd only be out of a job for 3 months - 4 months tops. I never EVER thought I'd be out of work for a year.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I think I'm pretty nice as it is, but I would certainly hope I'd be nicer. After all, becoming softer and more aware and nicer is hopefully part of the evolution process as we age.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 09?
Oh yes, most definitely. Pajamas and sweats aren't welcome at acme digital services!

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I already drink, so starting is moot. I will not quit because I do not drink too much. I pretty much only have a glass or two of wine on the weekends (and Corona Light in the summer) is a nice way to end a day. And there are some weeks I don't crack open anything at all - yet other weeks when a six pack just doesn't seem like it's going to be enough (it always is - but still I worry!).

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
There's really only my dad, and I think we have a good relationship. However, again as he is lonely since my mom died, I will strive to spend more time with him.

18. Will you do charity work?
I would love to, but honestly? Probably not.

19. Will you go to bars?
Hmmm... It's not like I hang out in them now. I am sure that in the year 2010, I will go to at least one bar at some point in time.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Why? What's in it for me?

(I'm joking!)

21. Do you expect 2010 to be a good year for you?
I actually do. I feel like I am coming out of a dark tunnel and emerging into the light.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I changed a lot. One of the things I feared most in life happened: unemployment. I have been working since I was 10 years old. I never thought there'd be a time when I wouldn't be able to find work. But it happened, and it changed me. It showed me that yes, it could happen to me. It showed me that I could rely on people - and the Universe. And it showed me that there is a chink in my armor - not sure I wanted to know that, but I do, and it's changed me.

My mom's death also changed me. It showed me that there is no going back - no changing things.

The loss of my 11-year-old relationship also changed me. I'm still not quite sure how - I guess I'm figuring that one out still. In some areas, the loss changed me in welcome ways: I feel freer and more like myself once again. In other areas, well, let's just leave that unsaid for now.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Fuck no!

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope to God I will be - and I hope to add some more to the mix.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Maybe one.

26. Will you be moving?
I do not think so.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 10 that happened in 09?
I will not gain another 10 pounds.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I have absolutely no idea.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Probably not.

30. One wish for 2010?
To continue to be gainfully employed.

First Week

Well my first week on the new job is over with. Okay, it wasn't a complete week - but it sure felt like it! So much to learn. So much to take in. So many people to know.

However, I think I am going to really like it there. For one, it really is pretty much a paperless office. Our area doesn't deal with paper at all. The only paper I have are some handouts from training and my notepad. Everything else is on the computer. Such a new concept for me!

Secondly, I already love three of my co-workers: D, A, and M. These three guys have been so helpful and nice. If they weren't about 15 years younger than all of my friends, I'd be hookin' those bad boys up with some sistahs!

Again, the money is not good especially for the types of skills the job calls for. Still, it seems a given that, unless one totally screws up, the temps do get hired on. Everyone I met was a temp at some time, as that's the company's policy: to hire temps, train, and then bring them on board.

The only thing I don't like is the placement of the bathrooms. I have to go to the back of the offices, leave, then go through the energy company's hallway to finally get to the restroom. It's a long haul - not that I oppose to walking - but you know, it's kind of inconvenient that there aren't bathrooms located in our part of the facility.

I am still getting used to the hours (9:30 a.m. - 6 p.m.). This is an awkward shift to work. I can't run errands before work, and by the time I get off, most places are closed (except for dept. stores and grocery stores). Don't have enough time to run errands at lunch, because we only get 30 minutes.

I'll have to figure out how to navigate these hours more successfully, as by the time I go grocery shopping or whatever after work, I get home at almost 8 p.m. That's hecka late for dinner, and then in another hour or two it's bedtime. Yes, I'll have to figure out a better system!

However, I am blissfully happy to be working and learning and feeling like a productive member of society once again. I am very thankful to have this job, and I have a feeling it's going to be a very good fit.

The Wisdom of Avalon

The Wisdom of Avalon is an oracle deck by Colette Baron-Reid, and I used this deck a lot after I was laid off last December.

Today I pulled a card to see what I could expect today from my new job: the card is Birth/Rebirth. Some highlights from the card's meaning:

Rejoice for spring is in the air and you're beginning again. This marker bodes well for any new project, endeavor, relationship, or idea to take shape and be birthed into the world.

This marker reminds you that the process leading up to a birth can feel cumbersome, restrictive, painful and never-ending, yet the final shift brings an extraordinary gift of new life, a new vision born of surrender, and a total release. Know you've come far and are at a place to celebrate your ideas and all things anew.

It has been a long, restrictive and painful road. And like any birth/rebirth, there is a learning curve. I must first learn to walk before I can run. Still, it's nice to know I finally received my walking shoes.

The First

Friday morning, I left to go visit my dad for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. This was my first birthday since my mom's death. I knew it would feel incomplete. My dad knew it would feel incomplete. But - we celebrated, anyway.

We got through Friday night by watching a movie I rented: the remake of Pelham 1-2-3. I never saw the original, but I have to say this version was entertaining. If there's one thing John Travolta can do, it's play crazy well.

Saturday was my birthday. I woke up feeling some trepidation - but my dad and I had plans for the morning to keep us busy. We went to the flea market, then off to my favorite store (Half Price Books, where I got a great deal on a tarot deck), and then to lunch. So far, so good.

We went home, and it was time for gifts and pie. I knew opening my gifts would be difficult, because the gifts were things my mom ordered from catalogs for me when she was bedridden. In other words, the gifts were from her, but she wasn't there to celebrate with me.

All the gifts touched me, but two stood out: a copper wall hanging of a pentacle next to a moon, and the Jessica Galbreth's Enchanted Oracle. My mom picked these out of my favorite "witchy" catalog without any hints from me at all. My mom was so supportive of my alternative life path - much more so than she was when I was following the independent fundamentalist Baptist path I was on when I was in my 20's. In fact, after I became born again, she told me I was not allowed to talk about God and stuff in her house. I think it relieved her greatly when I chose a different path later in life.

After my dad and I shed a few tears, we put "House of Wax" (from the clearance rack at Half Price Books) into the DVD player. Nothing can get rid of tears faster than Paris Hilton in a shriek fest. Again, this is a movie to which I hadn't seen the original, but as scary movies go, this one was good - and of course, pretty gory and quite frightening - at least to me.

It was difficult to say good-bye to my dad this afternoon. He started to cry when I left - and he hadn't done that since I was 17-years-old and on my way to boot camp. I know he must feel so alone there, surrounded by so much that reminds him of my mom. After all, he met her when he was 18 years old, and had been with her ever since.

And so the first celebration has come and gone without my mom. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't complete. However, I still felt her love and that certainly helped more than it hurt.

So Fresh To God

My mom died a month ago. I have so much sadness inside regarding that, and I'm not even sure how to express it. One saying that keeps running around in my head is this:

"I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing, when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens

What grabs me is the "so fresh from God" part. That certainly describes the gift of birth - but what about death? "So fresh to God" is more apropos there. I feel that she is now fresh to God; it's as if I can still feel her here, and yet feel her gone as well.

Soon I will no longer feel her here. I look at some of the things I use in my daily life. Just today I used a notepad which she had put in my stocking last year. I just finished a bottle of water from a case she had bought for me before she went into the hospital. One day soon, those things will all be gone and I'll no longer have much tangible evidence of her existence - only memories.

I can remember sitting with her that last night at the hospital. I held one of her hands, and my dad held the other. Every once in awhile she would come out of her morphine stupor and say "Oh Pam" or "Oh John." Sometimes she would simply wake up and say "I love you." I can remember her voice, heavy with drugs. But will I remember it in a month? In a year? I hope so, because my greatest fear is that I'll begin to forget those things that were so clearly a part of her: her voice. Her eyes. Her laugh.

I don't want to forget. I want to hold on for dear life.