The Key

“All you have to do is ask.” Well, that’s how I got the key in the first place– I simply asked. It arrived in a beautiful box, wrapped in scented tissue and sprinkled with hope. Or faith. Or maybe just simply well wishes. It was kind of hard to tell, what with the fragrance of rose petals drifting up… whatever the case, the key was given with love, and that was for certain.

The puzzle was figuring out what the key unlocked. What is its function? What do I use it for? These questions nagged at me for days.

I placed the key by my bed in hopes it would talk to me during my sleeping hours. Yet even after asking it kindly, the key remained silent during the darkness of the night and did not – or would not – infiltrate my dreams.

I sat with it often in the quiet moments, and pleaded with it to tell me what it unlocked. Still, the key remained steadfast in its silence.

Determined and unwilling to give up, I took the key into a sunlit area on a cold winter’s day. I sat cross legged, key in hands, with the sun warming my back. As I held the key, I imagined myself melding with it, becoming one. As we became one unit, I said, “What do we unlock?”

The key said, “It’s up to you – what do you want? What to you hope for? What do you need?”

All of a sudden, single words came falling down on my head like heavy droplets of rain. “Kindness.” “Creativity.” “Hope.” “Abundance.” “Love.”

Then sentences came to me in whirling cyclones of words, rushing toward my ears. “I need strong relationships.” “I want opportunity to travel.” “I wish for good health and well-being.”

More and more came rushing at me – single words, longer sentences. Affirmations. Hopes. Dreams. Wants. Needs. The air around me was busy and full of energy. There was too much to sort through – how would I narrow it down to just one item… one focus?

I opened my eyes. It was too much. I had to walk away. I put the key down and walked. The day was quiet, the cold had chased everyone indoors.

Step after step, I searched for answers. The key definitely held the potential to unlock so many things. I was overwhelmed with possibility. I felt more lost than before I received the key. What was I do with it? Which door would it unlock?

As I walked through the neighborhood it dawned on me: look through the keyhole. See what’s on the other side. I turned around and headed for home. It was time to do some peeking.

I put the key in another room. For being such a quiet key, he was awfully noisy all of a sudden. I needed quiet. I needed focus. I needed distance from the key.

With that in mind, I sat back down and fell into the sun’s warm embrace. I closed my eyes and focused on the keyhole. In my mind’s eye, I approached the door. I bent down, took a deep breath in and let it out, then peered through the keyhole. As I searched the empty room, my eye spotted a word above the fireplace. One single word, written in pink.

Kindness.

I backed up away from the door, my answer in hand. The key unlocked kindness… in me. Around me. Above me. Below me. Kindness.

It’s really very simple, isn’t it? Kindness begets kindness. And kindness opens up a world of possibilities… I can’t wait to begin my adventure in kindness – of journeys into the Pay It Forward randomness of life. Of uttering compliments to strangers. Of jumping out of the walls my shyness has built up and just becoming more… of saying more. Of doing more.

Kindness. It really is the key to everything, isn’t it?

The Sunday Seven

1) Yesterday an allegedly peaceful protest turned into a riot right here in Reno. 

2) Only 23 arrests were made, despite the number of break-ins, graffiti markings, car fires and other misc. crappy law-breaking activities.

3)  The chaos resulted in curfews for last night and tonight.

4) On the bright side, this has been my most social week since the lockdown. 

5) Visited with my friend Cindy today - she gave me plants, and we chatted for four hours while social distancing on her patio.

6) I planted the plants she gave me just a few minutes ago. After finishing up, went inside, washed my hands and looked outside to see it was pouring rain - in other words, I escaped the inevitable melting that would have occurred had I gotten wet. 

7) With a curfew in place, it seems an appropriate time to sit down and watch a few hours of TV without anyone to interrupt me but Schmutzy.

Thoughts for Thursday

I know. I know. It has been AGES since I last posted. 

I was notified of a data breach, and changed my password. Then I started reading through old blog posts and man oh man, it dawned on me what a bad memory I have. So many things I forgot about!

I'm blogging again for posterity - for memory retention. 

I have nothing much interesting to say today - I've been furloughed since April, and I am hoping and praying I get called back into work. In the meantime, I'm just trying to enjoy the time off.

I'm looking for work, but there isn't much out there in the admin field. Not yet... hopefully that changes soon as more and more places open up.

Today is our first "hot" day of the year. It got up to 93 today, so I had to buckle down and finally turn on the A/C. Cheapo homie doesn't like having to run the a/c - but hey, it's better than sweating like a stuck pig inside a hot house.

This has been my most social week in ages - one of the groups I belong to decided to get together for a social distancing evening at Rancho San Rafael on Tuesday. We all brought chairs and sat approx 6 feet apart from one another. 

It was a really good time, once everyone stopped talking about Covid and wet markets and all that depressing stuff. 

Yesterday I met a friend for a walk, and we were able to catch up on a lot of stuff.

Saturday I have plans to meet another friend for some social distancing on her back patio.

I got myself an Acorn subscription and I think I've pretty much watched everything I wanted, so it's time to cancel and move on to BritBox.

See? Nothing much interesting, but I guess that happens when one is pretty much stuck at home.

Although, that's not entirely true! Last week the Salvation Army thrift shop opened, so I went there and spent a little bit of money. This week I went to Moana Nursery and spent a little more to get my garden spruced up.

I should post pictures. Maybe later.

In the meantime, I hope to make this blogging thing a more regular occurrence, seeing how easily I seem to forget important (and not-so-important) moments in my life.

The Biggest Heartache of All

For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away in August. His passing left me totally alone in this world. I'm not married, have no children, and no connections to extended family. Needless to say, it's been a difficult transition from beloved daughter to... whatever I am now in this world.

I've had my ups and downs since he passed, but to be honest, this month has been the absolute hardest. Last year, my dad was well enough to visit me three times in the month of November: once for my birthday, once for Tanners Marketplace, and again for Thanksgiving. I can remember him saying "You are going to be so sick of me by month's end." I laughed and said no way - but inside I thought "I want you here as often as you can make it, because I know that very soon you won't be able to."

My dad's goal was to live to 80, but in June when I visited for Father's Day he told me he wasn't going to make it to April of 2016. I said he'd better... but when I laughed I had tears in my eyes, because I knew his health was failing quickly.

He kept losing his hair, and his face was becoming more and more gaunt. He had become very very thin in the months leading up to June, but after June, he started gaining water weight. And I remembered from my mom's own battle with COPD that water weight gain was not a good thing.

My dad was probably always my biggest fan, but it wasn't until my mom died that he became my best friend. We talked on the phone almost every night that first year after her death - and then it kind of morphed into every other night. Sometimes if I had some particularly good news (or - blech - bad news), I wouldn't wait the second night to call - I'd simply pick up the phone and call.

He always answered.

That first month after his passing I would find myself thinking "I have to call Dad," and almost as soon as the thought flittered through my head, I would realize he was gone.

This month, though, the pain of his loss is so much stronger and feels more real. Maybe that's simply because it's time to make the hard decisions: sell the house, sell the vehicles, arrange for an estate sale. But - if you're the type that believes this - I think part of the reason the pain is so strong this month is because the veil is thin.

I can remember so clearly what my November last year was like - preparing for his three visits, and buying the food he liked and getting excited to spend more time with him. I can remember our trips to do our favorite things - from going to our favorite restaurants in Reno, to shopping at Junkee and Assistance League, to simply just sitting at the table playing Milles Borne or watching a movie from Redbox.

This November just feels so empty. I am so thankful for friends - for Denise, who arranged a birthday get-together. For Benita, who is making sure I have someone to spend Thanksgiving with. To my friend Jodi, who has checked up on me several times.

Then there have been a few surprises from people I don't even know well - a girl at work wanted to be sure I had something to do on Thanksgiving, and one of the managers - with whom I share a birthday - went out the other day to get me a Monster cookie from Homage - one of my all-time favorite bakeries in Reno - as a belated birthday gift.

The emotional ups and downs are tremendous - the downs really hit me hard and sometimes just come out of nowhere. I have started to cry in parking lots, or on my way to work. I don't even always know what triggers it - it just happens.

The ups give me hope. I just really want to learn how to focus on moving forward. That's the challenge I'm facing right now - and one I keep failing at.

Just Say "Yes"

My weekly calender has a little section with some articles in it. Today on my break, I read one of the articles. It was written by Tess Whitehurst (author of The Good Energy Book), and she said when we encounter a difficult situation or person, our first instinct is to say "NO."

If we're encountering change, we resist. If we are dealing with a difficult person, we become enraged, or employ avoidance behavior - or simply ignore it.

Her position is that instead of pushing against the negative things in our life, we should say "yes." Acknowledge that, yes, this is happening. She further stated that by saying "yes," we become one with the situation at hand. Once we're at that point, then we start shifting the energy of the situation, making it possible for a positive outcome.

I really started thinking hard on that concept... and my most recent encounter with something like it. As some of you know, I was in a no-win situation at work. My friend told me I had a target painted on my back. Sometimes I could deflect it or hide it... but she was right, it was there.

I fought it for a long time... and at some point - maybe because I was tired of the fight - I said, "Yep, I've got a target." Once I acknowledged it and accepted it, things began to change for the better.

Now I have a new position at work. In fact, I'm in a whole new department. The people are nicer. The work is steadier. Heck, I even got a (little) bump in pay.

She might be on to something there... this year - and I know it's gonna be difficult - instead of pushing against every single obstacle in my way, I might just try saying "yes" instead. It couldn't hurt, right?

The Day That Wouldn't End

I have NO IDEA what the deal was today - it was not a bad day, not in the least. I got up on time. I had plenty of time for my morning coffee. There were no accidents in my way on the drive to work.

There was a lot of work in the queue, but not "too" much - not enough to overwhelm. I didn't get interrupted or bothered. The Manipulator didn't hang out at my desk. My cube mate was out today, so I didn't have to listen to the crunching and sucking of sunflower seeds.

So why was it such an awful day?

I have no idea... sometimes I think it's just something in the air. All I wanted to do was go home. The afternoon dragged on... and every time I looked at the clock, it didn't seem like I was any closer to quitting time than I was the last time I looked at the clock.

I couldn't believe it when the clock finally rang 4 p.m. I got my keys, and almost ran out the door.

I had one errand to run, and I was not going to do it. I just wanted to go home. But the errand was dropping something off at the lab, and as I didn't want to hold up my results any longer than necessary, I went there... grudgingly. It was way out of my way.

Dropped off the sample, and came home. Home sweet home. Opened up a bottle of wine, sat down, and played fifteen hundred games of solitaire.

Now I'm starting to finally feel more like myself. Two more days until Friday. I think I can hang...

Reflections

The year is almost over, and I did not make good on my promise to write more in 2012.

That’s not entirely true – I have been writing more, just not here.

I started a review blog, and it’s seen some marginal success. In the short time it’s been active, the page hits are up and I’ve already received a one product from a company to review. I consider that a success – and one I’m continuing to build on.

However, when it comes to disclosure in my personal blog, I’ve been absent.

The fact is, it hasn’t been the greatest of years. It also hasn’t been the worst of years, so I guess 2012 is a wash for me. Work has been the cause of most of my distress and sleepless nights – and at the risk of sounding trite, I am grateful to have a job – even if it is causing me sleepless nights.

I also realized this year something that hadn’t been readily apparent before: I was in an eleven year relationship with a complete and utter asshole. When we first stopped seeing each other, I would tell people he was a good guy, but we just weren’t a good fit. However, the farther I move away from the relationship, the clearer I see it – and him. There is no denying now that he was an asshole – and of course, then there’s some degree of embarrassment when I realize it took me eleven years to extricate myself from him.

I think his assholeness really came to light when I realized he moved out of state. He had already revealed himself as less than honest when I discovered that he allowed his wife to give away some of the boxes I left behind at his place (with his permission and promise that it would be safe in his shed and if he needed me to come get it, he would let me know). This is an old story I know – I contacted him several times to pick up my stuff, to no avail. Then one day I found a lot of my stuff at Goodwill – and he admitted she gave it all away.

So there was some concrete evidence he was indeed a lying bastard asshole, but one could argue that his wife did it without his knowledge. Okay… but then he moved out of state, and I saw things in a new light. Giving away my stuff was all part of the moving process – so instead of saying, “Hey Ex, we’re moving – come get your stuff,” they just gave it all away. Plus, there was furniture he specifically asked me if he could to keep temporarily – did I get a call to come get that as well? Nope. They either gave that away or sold it or moved it with them.

And I could probably go on – yet I won’t. Instead I’ll just say that the more distance I get from this relationship, the brighter the light that shines on the remnants is. I can’t help seeing it for what it really was – and I suppose in the beginning of the year, I dealt with some embarrassment regarding how much I put up with before giving up completely. I should have cut bait and run after the first two years – and I was very angry with myself for not doing so.

Enough of that – this year was the first year I had success in my garden. By the end of summer, my garden was beautiful – though still not a finished product. It did feel good to spend time out there, playing in the dirt, planting seeds and young plants and changing the landscape of the garden. I am already counting the days until spring comes in 2013 – I can’t wait to get out there again.

I hope to write more next year – to at least write two blog entries a week (I know! When I first started, I wrote every day!). I think writing is a good outlet for me – I really need to tap into that outlet more.

It was difficult, though, to put a lot of things down in print this year… I think I just didn’t want to see it there in black and white… because I really had hoped to forget and move on without leaving behind proof of yet another disappointing year gone by…

Monday, Monday

1) Good news! My cranky pants came off this morning! So now I'm running around pantsless - or am I?

2) I went on the Reno Wine Walk this weekend - my friends and I dressed up like witches. It's always a good time - and I lucked upon a good looking older gentleman who semi-flirted. Unfortunately for me, I lost track of him.

3) Homey's still got it.

4) Not sure what I've still got, though. It could just be a bad case of the "big head."

5) Snow, snow, snow and more snow. One of my co-workers got stuck in Truckee and can't get into work. Isn't it too early for snow?

6) I don't care what you say - it IS too early for snow.

7) Went for a walk along the Truckee yesterday. It's not the ocean, but it *is* relaxing.

8) Been loving baked sweet potatoes lately - nice and fall-like. Of course, I might have to switch to something else, seeing as it's winter and all.

9) Thank goodness I have my hot flashes to keep me warm.

The Not-So-Endless Summer

Summer appears to be over. When did that happen?

Oh sure, we still have some rather nice temps during the day - but it's getting dark earlier and earlier at night. I grabbed a book and started to head towards the garden last night to read, only to be surprised by the darkness. What? Wasn't it only a week ago I could read outside until about 8 p.m.? Or does time really DO go that fast when you're old...er?

I will miss summer. Granted, I didn't do anything really exciting (unless you count painting my toenails red and blue and wowing my co-workers with them). I did, however, spend a lot of time in my garden... finally got some plants to grow and some are even thriving.

I cleaned away years of debris, and freshened up the look. After all that activity, I'm not quite sure I'll know what to do with myself now that summer is at an end and my time in the garden has shortened immensely.

Maybe it's time to dip my toes in the waters of Match dot com. That should keep me busy through winter...

On My Mind

1) Today I felt fat, so I figured I should feed that feeling with a doughnut.

2) I had it with some coffee, and it was delicious. The doughnut - not the coffee. Although, the coffee wasn't bad.

3) I bought a hanger for my garden at Big Lots today. It was on clearance. I went to hang it in my garden, and could not find any picture hanger contraptions. I've got a million of 'em. Somewhere. Apparently not in plain sight, though.

4) I went to Cost Plus today for something in particular. They didn't have what I was looking for, so I wandered over to the wine section. In a matter of 15 minutes, three different salespeople asked me four different times if I needed help.

5) I know they were just doing their job, but it irritated the crap out of me. Not only did I have to answer the same question four times, but one lady asked me twice... WTF? Do I look confused? (Don't answer in the negative if you know what's good for you!)

6) I bought very small Crock Pot at the Assistance League yesterday. It was $6. So, I thought of the perfect thing to cook in it for Sunday dinner. I went to the store, and bought the cut of meat I needed and went home.

7) This morning, I found that cut of meat still in the bag. Somehow when I put stuff away yesterday, I missed it. Don't ask me how - I'm still confused on the details.

8) I had to make another trip to the store to get some meat. Homey didn't like people today (see #5), so it was quite challenging to have to go out amongst them again.

9) I had work done on my car on Friday - almost $2,000 worth. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get ahead.

10) I do need my car to get ahead, so I will trust it was money well spent.

Dead in the Water

I thought I had a live one. I really did. But it turns out he was dead before I was able to reel him in.

It's summer - the weather is warm, the birds are chirping and my vajayjay is singing, so I found myself reactivating my OKCupid profile recently to see who the new members were. OKCupid told me I'd have to stay active for a short period of time (I believe it's two weeks). I said, "Eh, why not?" and clicked okay.

Shortly after I reactivated, a guy in Carson City contacted me.

He was funny. Just a tad older than me, but not by much. He looked good for his age - and not "too good." I don't know about other women my age, but I don't want to go out with some guy who's over 50 and looks like a GQ model. I figure at this age, that's a lot of work dude is going through to look like that - and I sincerely do not wish to even try to keep up with that.

His first email was funny, so I wrote him back right away. We have been corresponding ever since - and tonight I finally sent him the "we're just not a match" email.

Why? Because of two things:

1) My Window of Opportunity Theory: I have a theory when it comes to online dating: if you seem to click with someone online, and they don't move to the next level within a 7-9 day period, you just simply aren't ever going to meet. (Whatever that level is: phone, real live meet, etc.)

That window of time is approximate, give or take a few days - but I think you get my drift - the more email that goes back and forth means the more time that goes by - and pretty soon the whole things goes from "Gee I've got a live one" to "Gee, does this guy ever venture outside of his apartment?"

2) He kept asking me all kinds of questions about things to see if I'd "pass" - the questions centered mostly on my politics. Even though I kept passing each test - it was just that: another test.

Look: I think of myself as a realist when it comes to relationships - I don't think there is a perfect one. I think there are good fits, though - and if some guy goes out with me and it turns out he voted for Obama, that's not a deal breaker for me. If he's funny, kind-hearted, generous, and gentlemanly, well... isn't that what really counts?

Anyway, when it came to this guy, the writing was on the wall: DNR. Not sure if I should stick around and hope someone else contacts me, or go back underwater.

Patriotic

Yesterday, in honor of Independence Day, I painted my toes blue and red. Today, my co-worker called me over to his desk so he could show me a project he was working on.

I scooted my chair over, and he said, "Oh look at your patriotic toes! That's so cute." Then he said, "B, did you see PJammy's patriotic toes?"

B said, "No, C, I did not. I don't tend to look at PJammy's feet during the workday."

I said, "Oh, now that's disappointing."



 

Shhh... there's a life going on

Ack! My life has been awfully quiet lately.

I need some shakin' up. Or some belly shakin'. Or just a shake.

Speaking of, I haven't had a milk shake in years. Did you know my milkshake used to bring all the boys to my yard?

I digress...

Remember when I said there was a fix up on the horizon? Well, no one has called, and my date book is empty. What the frick happened to my horizon?

Watch out, Match dot com. I am coming for you... just as soon as I get my pension check.

I'm washing my sheets right now. That's the only action they've had in months.

Speaking of action, I worked out tonight. Then I had a glass of wine and bowl of potato chips. Won't Dr. Atkins be proud?

Okay, in one more minute I will be able to watch Emily look for love. I'll be back later to check on y'all. Smoochies!

Too Tired to Think Straight

One of my teammates is very appealing to me. Honestly though - since the first time I saw him  I was drawn to him, even before we ended up on the same team. He's got red hair, and I'm a sucker for red headed guys. Plus he exudes manliness. Not icky, need-a-shower, boy-am-I-in-need-of-a-woman manliness. Nope. Good old fashioned clean-in-a-manly-way, has-a-shitload-of-confidence kind of way.

I have one of those hopeless romantics as a friend who is hoping this will turn into a romance. I have no such delusions. There are sometimes people in my life I just plain old have a crush on - and nothing will ever come of it.

Yes. I said "people" because truth be told, I have had girl crushes in the past. Don't get me wrong - I never wanted to kiss said girl crush. But I did notice that my feelings for said girl were more crushy than platonic.

That said...

My teammate falls into the "gee I'm drawn to him but nothing will ever happen" category.

Still...

Sometimes I think he is asking me out without asking me out. And I don't mean on a date. I mean just to hang out.

Tonight was one of those nights.

We both worked late today, helping out another team who is behind on a few deadlines for part creation. I was creating parts, he was auditing.

Two different team members grabbed my last two requests to audit, so Ginger and I started talking. He told me how his roommate got a puppy, and ended the story with how - in escaping the manic puppiness - he ended up at "Baron's" He went on about the cheap beer, and open mic night, etc.

After my last request was complete, I closed up shop (meaning I put my pants on. Kidding. I closed down my computer). As I was grabbing my things, he said "You know where Baron's is, right? On 4th and Keystone?" I put my hand to my head and said, "Oh yeah, it's near Gold Dust West, right?" He said, "Kind of - very close, anyway."

I said, "Well, have a good time and a good weekend!" Then I left.

It was only when I was driving away that I realized his asking me if I knew where Baron's was located might have been a lame way to ask me to join him.

Ugh. I am so clueless sometimes. But then again, I might be thinking too hard about it.

That's the thing about being tired... knowing which end is up can be difficult to figure out!

Pirate Poodle Lady

Picture this: a woman in her 60's, short cropped gray curly hair, an apple shape on top of skinny legs, a persistent smoker's hack, who uses her outside voice inside. All the time. And peppers it generously with aforementioned hacker's cough.

My teammate calls her "Pirate Poodle Lady" so I didn't know her name until today. When I found out her name, I sent the below to my teammate.

1) Pirate Poodle Lady’s real name is Kandi.

2) Kandi with a “K” and an “I” is a popular stripper’s name.

3) Pirate Poodle Lady is not a stripper.

4) Coughing is not allowed at Fantasy Girls.

5) Smoking is (or so I’ve heard).

I know he read it because I heard him giggling. And then he went to Fantasy Girls.

Or maybe he just went home. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow.

Good-Bye, Virgin

I've had a Virgin Mobile pay-as-you-go phone for about 10 years. They've always been pretty good about sending me an email to let me know I need to top-up, so imagine my surprise when I went to top up on Saturday, and discovered that I no longer had an account with them.

What? This can't be!

Apparently, though, it can be. And it was. It had been over 90 days since my last top up, so instead of notifying me like they always have in my ten year relationship with them, they canceled my phone number so I would have to upgrade to a higher cost account.

That, my friends, totally pissed this gal off.

Now I'm looking into other pay-as-you-go plans, and they really kind of stink. Virgin Mobile still might be the best deal out there - but they will not be rewarded for bad behavior - at least not with my money.

I think I'll be going with Tracfone. After spending the day researching what is available, it seems like Tracfone is the next best deal - and with two different packages, I can get double minutes for life. (I'm assuming that is the life of my phone - or perhaps the life of my account with them.) 

I don't use a cell phone except for emergencies - or for making that odd phone call from work. I basically paid Virgin Mobile $20 every 90 days just in case I needed to make an emergency phone call.

It seems kind of silly, but it did give me peace of mind knowing that I had the ability to make a call if I needed to.

For someone who doesn't use a cell phone, though, I have to admit I'm mesmerized by some of the choices available from Tracfone. They have some really nice options. I was going to get a plain old clam shell like I had - but for $5 more I can get a phone with a qwerty keyboard.

I don't text... but you know.... it might be nice to have the option!

See what I mean? I want to pay more for something I will probably never use - just like I rarely ever used my cell phone.

A girl does like to have options, though... which probably also explains all the shoes in my closet....

The Week That Was... And Still Is

I work in a department that is broken down into five channels. The channel I belong to does not consistently have work coming in. It's basically feast or famine, depending on when kit builds take place.

This week is FEAST - we're on the last part of a really intense kit build. But wait - that's not all - a "new" person had the bad timing of being assigned to our channel during the kit build.

Okay, first off - she's not "new" - she was in another department, until those jobs were moved overseas. Then for some odd reason, she was pawned off on us.

I don't understand the logic how - out of five teams - we were one of three that ended up with a T1 (which means, entry level, must be trained, etc, etc). We do not have enough work to keep the three of us busy as it is - now we have another person to try to keep busy.

I'm supposed to move my book of work over to her - a move which I'm very resentful of. This is my work - if it moves, what the hell will I be doing with my day? I know - I'm supposed to be working on the two major kit builds from now on - but again, those happen only four times a year - the other work, while sporadic, was at least consistent.

Then there's the little problem of her personality. I met her once, about a year ago. A guy I worked alongside of invited me to go to the morning "bwalk" - short for breakfast walk. A lot of the team members go to the cafe in the building next door. As a vendor, we get free drinks there, so we often just went to get our morning cup of Starbucks or stock up on sodas or "fancy fizzy water." Sometimes we splurge and get a breakfast - the food is all organic and eco-farmed - and inexpensive.

On this particular day, my new coworker was there, too. I was introduced to her, and as we were the only girls in the group that day, I struck up a convo with her. She answered my questions, she seemed friendly - but then, whenever I'd see her in the hallway and say "hi," she'd ignore me.

And now this is the girl I am supposed to be training. The word resentful doesn't quite cover the range of emotion I'm feeling right now.

Enter this week: probably the most intense week of milestones regarding the kit build. My cube-mate is gone - she is on vacation. So anything "Ess" submits to the queue, I have to audit and validate - as well as anything my other co-worker does. However, it isn't as simple as auditing and validating - nope, there is also training involved.

To her credit, she seems eager to work - but it is driving me FUCKING insane. Yes. I used the eff-word. I am in major overload here.

My experienced and newly promoted co-worker keeps saying, "Girl, you gotta give her some work! Train her!" I say, "Holy crap, dude, I have no time!" He says, "Just give it to her! She isn't doing anything! She has to work!" I say, "I was here three whole weeks before any of you gave me any work! Why should it be any different for Ess?"

And so it goes...

Today I flat out refused to validate or audit any of her work. I said, "I'm too busy and I cannot take the time out for training. So sorry you got dealt the short straw this week, Ess. The work requests are Normal Priority, so we can put them off for a day or two."

In talking with a friend who also works at the same company, I realized that part of my resistance, reluctance and resentment stems from the fact that for months she gave me what we call "stank face." In fact, my friend says she's not sure how I'm doing it - she isn't sure she could be cordial under the same circumstances.

But she could be - and I'm learning how to be as well. Yet at the same time, I will admit that I do not want to train her. I do not want her taking my book of work. And most of all, I do not want her on my team. At all. Admittedly I might not feel so strongly, had I not gotten so much attitude and rudeness from her before she was assigned to our team.

It's true - I was not happy to hear we'd be getting a T1 to train. I still don't know why she didn't go to another team, unless the others were more vocal about not needing someone. We weren't asked - however, we also don't have weekly meetings like the other teams do. So, I'm sure the other teams knew well ahead of time about the influx of these three homeless workers, and put in their bids for nay or yay - I wish we had the same opportunity.

My newly promoted co-worker told me that he would like me to take tomorrow off from the kit build and focus on Ess. I told him I'd rather do the kit build work. But... short straw, since my other co-worker is out. He's the most senior, and so I suppose I'll have to train her.

I'll be hating every minute of it. I wish I could call in sick tomorrow, but as we're a company with no sick time, no PTO, and a policy that says you have to have a doctor's excuse if you're sick - you can best believe I'll be there... even though I'd rather be almost anywhere else.

Contest Entry

NHS (Nevada Humane Society) is holding a contest in support of their current "Less-Adoptable, But Still Lovable" promotion. Below is my entry - wish me good luck!
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I love cats. I have cats. I know that makes me – a single woman of a “certain” age - a walking cliché. I was determined to break the cliché and get myself a dog for my birthday. This required many visits to the Nevada Humane Society – about two a week – to check out the dogs. So imagine my surprise when it was a cat that caught my eye.

His name was Buster, and he was one of the Virginia City rescues. I first saw him on Facebook: he was the only one of the bunch who didn’t look scared or cautious. Below his picture were no less than 15 posts all stating that he was a lovely boy, along with an expressed interest in adopting him. I was quite surprised to find him at NHS, as there had been so much online interest in him.

He communicated with me, so I spent time with him. He was bony, and had something wrong with his left eye. Despite his physical challenges, he was friendly and playful. But I was there to get a dog, so I left to check them out.

The next time I went to NHS, he was still there. What? So many people were interested in him. Why was he still there? Was it because of his eye? It actually looked worse. Was it his lack of teeth? I had no answers.

A week later, Buster was still there. He’d had eye surgery, and his eye area was shaved and he almost looked worse than when he had a growth over his eye. Still, he was glad to see me and pushed his paw out, beckoning me to come closer. I did. I talked to him a while, petted him, and then told him I was going to go visit with the dogs. However, when I left it wasn’t a dog on my mind – it was Buster.

Finally, I couldn’t fight it any more – Buster, gross eye and all, was going to be my next pet.

He required medication for his eye – and it was not easy to put on. I decided I could do it, filled out the paperwork. I was told he’d need a special diet and of course his eye would need to be looked after. However, at that point I could not be dissuaded – it was obvious he was going to be my “dog.”

His eye still doesn’t look right, and although he was supposed to be on a special diet of “pate,” he decided he likes dry food better, and gums it on down. I’m still not quite sure how he does it –it is kind of fascinating to watch.

Don’t tell the other cats I told you so, but he’s my favorite. He is the easiest cat to have around and he’s affectionate, in an easy, undemanding way. He greets me at the door, and he follows me around the house. You know, kind of like a dog, only without the bark.

Fat Fast - The End?

I did it. I really did it. I can't believe I did it - but I did. Three days of Fat Fast. I am so impressed with myself for sticking with it.

But... it was kind of all in vain. Why? Because the day after the Fat Fast ended, I got sick.

So, instead of going directly from Fat Fast to Induction to really kick that weight loss action into gear, I wasn't able to. My body simply could not look another protein in the eye.

I don't know about you, but when I'm sick my body does not want any protein. What it wants is oatmeal. And crackers. And split pea soup.

Luckily, I wasn't really hungry when I was sick - but when I was hungry, I had lots of carby goodness. It's been a week, and I'm just now getting my appetite back.

I did lose a pound - but I should have lost more. And I probably would have lost more, if I stayed away from the oats and grains and split pea soup.

Do I consider the Fat Fast a success? Yes and no. Yes, I did lose some weight - but is one pound really worth the sacrifice of a Fat Fast? My answer: probably not.

However, I can't really judge this Fat Fast fairly, as had I not gotten sick, this would be my first week back on Induction, and I may have lost more had I kept the momentum going.

I will wait a month to try this again. I think my body should recover completely from this cold or flu before I abuse it again. Because whether or not you agree, a Fat Fast is hard on the body - or maybe more on the psyche.

I read the blogs before I did it - people who've tried it claimed they were satisfied on the Fat Fast. Don't believe it - it's not satisfying. And at the end of the day I found myself counting the hours until I could eat again. I woke up hungry every single morning I was on it.

I will, however, try it one more time so I can do it correctly - without illness and cold medicine and carbs getting in the way. Should I happen to gain the weight back after that, I won't bother trying it again. After all, I'm not a spring chicken. Maybe I'll never be 127 and a size 8 again. Maybe I'm not supposed to be. So perhaps I just need to make peace with it and stop trying to get my body back to the way it used to be and embrace what it is now.

After all, it ain't that bad for an old lady!

Fat Fast

I've heard about the Fat Fast for years, and toyed with the idea of implementing it, but the strict caloric restrictions made it unappealing to me - that is, until I hit the world's longest weight loss stall.

I've been following the Atkins diet for years now with fairly consistent results. However, age and hormone depletion when added to a few major life stresses caused a bit of a weight gain.

I decided to ride that out until the new year - I mean, why ruin a perfectly fun holiday season with worries of weight gain, weight loss, counting carbs, etc.?

Come January 3rd, I went back on Induction. It's not a fun period, but I was prepared with the right foods and a "can do" mental attitude. It took me about a month, but the weight started finally falling off.

I lost about 8.5 pounds, and then I hit a stall. I wasn't worried - they normally don't last long.

And then this stall just wouldn't unstall. It kept going, and going, and going. There was no budge on the scale, no matter what I tried: carb cycling, back to induction, cutting out certain foods - nope. Didn't work. The scale stayed fairly steady.

It was time to entertain the Fat Fast.

I read up on it, and decided I couldn't do it. Yes, it was only for three days - but boy, what a long three days that could be. I nixed the idea... and the scale continued to mock me and my weight loss efforts.

Let's face it: no one likes a smart ass weight scale, so drastic moves had to be taken. Fat Fast it is. I bought the foods needed this weekend, and decided come Monday there would be no excuses. I would be on the Fat Fast for three days. I could do anything - well almost anything - for three days, right?

Maybe. We'll see. It's the beginning of Day 2, and I've had my first *cough* meal of the day: a 1/4th cup of macadamia nuts. Lots of calories and fat, no carbs.

Yesterday I went over my allotted caloric intake by probably 200 calories. Still, when I got on the scale today, I noticed the needle had moved a bit. I wouldn't say I lost a pound - but maybe a half a pound? (Is it time to get a digital scale?)

The mere fact that the needle moved more than it had in two months is enough for me to want to see this thing through. I can make it through today - let's see how I do tomorrow.

Keep tuned for progress...