The Key

“All you have to do is ask.” Well, that’s how I got the key in the first place– I simply asked. It arrived in a beautiful box, wrapped in scented tissue and sprinkled with hope. Or faith. Or maybe just simply well wishes. It was kind of hard to tell, what with the fragrance of rose petals drifting up… whatever the case, the key was given with love, and that was for certain.

The puzzle was figuring out what the key unlocked. What is its function? What do I use it for? These questions nagged at me for days.

I placed the key by my bed in hopes it would talk to me during my sleeping hours. Yet even after asking it kindly, the key remained silent during the darkness of the night and did not – or would not – infiltrate my dreams.

I sat with it often in the quiet moments, and pleaded with it to tell me what it unlocked. Still, the key remained steadfast in its silence.

Determined and unwilling to give up, I took the key into a sunlit area on a cold winter’s day. I sat cross legged, key in hands, with the sun warming my back. As I held the key, I imagined myself melding with it, becoming one. As we became one unit, I said, “What do we unlock?”

The key said, “It’s up to you – what do you want? What to you hope for? What do you need?”

All of a sudden, single words came falling down on my head like heavy droplets of rain. “Kindness.” “Creativity.” “Hope.” “Abundance.” “Love.”

Then sentences came to me in whirling cyclones of words, rushing toward my ears. “I need strong relationships.” “I want opportunity to travel.” “I wish for good health and well-being.”

More and more came rushing at me – single words, longer sentences. Affirmations. Hopes. Dreams. Wants. Needs. The air around me was busy and full of energy. There was too much to sort through – how would I narrow it down to just one item… one focus?

I opened my eyes. It was too much. I had to walk away. I put the key down and walked. The day was quiet, the cold had chased everyone indoors.

Step after step, I searched for answers. The key definitely held the potential to unlock so many things. I was overwhelmed with possibility. I felt more lost than before I received the key. What was I do with it? Which door would it unlock?

As I walked through the neighborhood it dawned on me: look through the keyhole. See what’s on the other side. I turned around and headed for home. It was time to do some peeking.

I put the key in another room. For being such a quiet key, he was awfully noisy all of a sudden. I needed quiet. I needed focus. I needed distance from the key.

With that in mind, I sat back down and fell into the sun’s warm embrace. I closed my eyes and focused on the keyhole. In my mind’s eye, I approached the door. I bent down, took a deep breath in and let it out, then peered through the keyhole. As I searched the empty room, my eye spotted a word above the fireplace. One single word, written in pink.

Kindness.

I backed up away from the door, my answer in hand. The key unlocked kindness… in me. Around me. Above me. Below me. Kindness.

It’s really very simple, isn’t it? Kindness begets kindness. And kindness opens up a world of possibilities… I can’t wait to begin my adventure in kindness – of journeys into the Pay It Forward randomness of life. Of uttering compliments to strangers. Of jumping out of the walls my shyness has built up and just becoming more… of saying more. Of doing more.

Kindness. It really is the key to everything, isn’t it?

The Sunday Seven

1) Yesterday an allegedly peaceful protest turned into a riot right here in Reno. 

2) Only 23 arrests were made, despite the number of break-ins, graffiti markings, car fires and other misc. crappy law-breaking activities.

3)  The chaos resulted in curfews for last night and tonight.

4) On the bright side, this has been my most social week since the lockdown. 

5) Visited with my friend Cindy today - she gave me plants, and we chatted for four hours while social distancing on her patio.

6) I planted the plants she gave me just a few minutes ago. After finishing up, went inside, washed my hands and looked outside to see it was pouring rain - in other words, I escaped the inevitable melting that would have occurred had I gotten wet. 

7) With a curfew in place, it seems an appropriate time to sit down and watch a few hours of TV without anyone to interrupt me but Schmutzy.

Thoughts for Thursday

I know. I know. It has been AGES since I last posted. 

I was notified of a data breach, and changed my password. Then I started reading through old blog posts and man oh man, it dawned on me what a bad memory I have. So many things I forgot about!

I'm blogging again for posterity - for memory retention. 

I have nothing much interesting to say today - I've been furloughed since April, and I am hoping and praying I get called back into work. In the meantime, I'm just trying to enjoy the time off.

I'm looking for work, but there isn't much out there in the admin field. Not yet... hopefully that changes soon as more and more places open up.

Today is our first "hot" day of the year. It got up to 93 today, so I had to buckle down and finally turn on the A/C. Cheapo homie doesn't like having to run the a/c - but hey, it's better than sweating like a stuck pig inside a hot house.

This has been my most social week in ages - one of the groups I belong to decided to get together for a social distancing evening at Rancho San Rafael on Tuesday. We all brought chairs and sat approx 6 feet apart from one another. 

It was a really good time, once everyone stopped talking about Covid and wet markets and all that depressing stuff. 

Yesterday I met a friend for a walk, and we were able to catch up on a lot of stuff.

Saturday I have plans to meet another friend for some social distancing on her back patio.

I got myself an Acorn subscription and I think I've pretty much watched everything I wanted, so it's time to cancel and move on to BritBox.

See? Nothing much interesting, but I guess that happens when one is pretty much stuck at home.

Although, that's not entirely true! Last week the Salvation Army thrift shop opened, so I went there and spent a little bit of money. This week I went to Moana Nursery and spent a little more to get my garden spruced up.

I should post pictures. Maybe later.

In the meantime, I hope to make this blogging thing a more regular occurrence, seeing how easily I seem to forget important (and not-so-important) moments in my life.

The Biggest Heartache of All

For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away in August. His passing left me totally alone in this world. I'm not married, have no children, and no connections to extended family. Needless to say, it's been a difficult transition from beloved daughter to... whatever I am now in this world.

I've had my ups and downs since he passed, but to be honest, this month has been the absolute hardest. Last year, my dad was well enough to visit me three times in the month of November: once for my birthday, once for Tanners Marketplace, and again for Thanksgiving. I can remember him saying "You are going to be so sick of me by month's end." I laughed and said no way - but inside I thought "I want you here as often as you can make it, because I know that very soon you won't be able to."

My dad's goal was to live to 80, but in June when I visited for Father's Day he told me he wasn't going to make it to April of 2016. I said he'd better... but when I laughed I had tears in my eyes, because I knew his health was failing quickly.

He kept losing his hair, and his face was becoming more and more gaunt. He had become very very thin in the months leading up to June, but after June, he started gaining water weight. And I remembered from my mom's own battle with COPD that water weight gain was not a good thing.

My dad was probably always my biggest fan, but it wasn't until my mom died that he became my best friend. We talked on the phone almost every night that first year after her death - and then it kind of morphed into every other night. Sometimes if I had some particularly good news (or - blech - bad news), I wouldn't wait the second night to call - I'd simply pick up the phone and call.

He always answered.

That first month after his passing I would find myself thinking "I have to call Dad," and almost as soon as the thought flittered through my head, I would realize he was gone.

This month, though, the pain of his loss is so much stronger and feels more real. Maybe that's simply because it's time to make the hard decisions: sell the house, sell the vehicles, arrange for an estate sale. But - if you're the type that believes this - I think part of the reason the pain is so strong this month is because the veil is thin.

I can remember so clearly what my November last year was like - preparing for his three visits, and buying the food he liked and getting excited to spend more time with him. I can remember our trips to do our favorite things - from going to our favorite restaurants in Reno, to shopping at Junkee and Assistance League, to simply just sitting at the table playing Milles Borne or watching a movie from Redbox.

This November just feels so empty. I am so thankful for friends - for Denise, who arranged a birthday get-together. For Benita, who is making sure I have someone to spend Thanksgiving with. To my friend Jodi, who has checked up on me several times.

Then there have been a few surprises from people I don't even know well - a girl at work wanted to be sure I had something to do on Thanksgiving, and one of the managers - with whom I share a birthday - went out the other day to get me a Monster cookie from Homage - one of my all-time favorite bakeries in Reno - as a belated birthday gift.

The emotional ups and downs are tremendous - the downs really hit me hard and sometimes just come out of nowhere. I have started to cry in parking lots, or on my way to work. I don't even always know what triggers it - it just happens.

The ups give me hope. I just really want to learn how to focus on moving forward. That's the challenge I'm facing right now - and one I keep failing at.

Just Say "Yes"

My weekly calender has a little section with some articles in it. Today on my break, I read one of the articles. It was written by Tess Whitehurst (author of The Good Energy Book), and she said when we encounter a difficult situation or person, our first instinct is to say "NO."

If we're encountering change, we resist. If we are dealing with a difficult person, we become enraged, or employ avoidance behavior - or simply ignore it.

Her position is that instead of pushing against the negative things in our life, we should say "yes." Acknowledge that, yes, this is happening. She further stated that by saying "yes," we become one with the situation at hand. Once we're at that point, then we start shifting the energy of the situation, making it possible for a positive outcome.

I really started thinking hard on that concept... and my most recent encounter with something like it. As some of you know, I was in a no-win situation at work. My friend told me I had a target painted on my back. Sometimes I could deflect it or hide it... but she was right, it was there.

I fought it for a long time... and at some point - maybe because I was tired of the fight - I said, "Yep, I've got a target." Once I acknowledged it and accepted it, things began to change for the better.

Now I have a new position at work. In fact, I'm in a whole new department. The people are nicer. The work is steadier. Heck, I even got a (little) bump in pay.

She might be on to something there... this year - and I know it's gonna be difficult - instead of pushing against every single obstacle in my way, I might just try saying "yes" instead. It couldn't hurt, right?

The Day That Wouldn't End

I have NO IDEA what the deal was today - it was not a bad day, not in the least. I got up on time. I had plenty of time for my morning coffee. There were no accidents in my way on the drive to work.

There was a lot of work in the queue, but not "too" much - not enough to overwhelm. I didn't get interrupted or bothered. The Manipulator didn't hang out at my desk. My cube mate was out today, so I didn't have to listen to the crunching and sucking of sunflower seeds.

So why was it such an awful day?

I have no idea... sometimes I think it's just something in the air. All I wanted to do was go home. The afternoon dragged on... and every time I looked at the clock, it didn't seem like I was any closer to quitting time than I was the last time I looked at the clock.

I couldn't believe it when the clock finally rang 4 p.m. I got my keys, and almost ran out the door.

I had one errand to run, and I was not going to do it. I just wanted to go home. But the errand was dropping something off at the lab, and as I didn't want to hold up my results any longer than necessary, I went there... grudgingly. It was way out of my way.

Dropped off the sample, and came home. Home sweet home. Opened up a bottle of wine, sat down, and played fifteen hundred games of solitaire.

Now I'm starting to finally feel more like myself. Two more days until Friday. I think I can hang...

Reflections

The year is almost over, and I did not make good on my promise to write more in 2012.

That’s not entirely true – I have been writing more, just not here.

I started a review blog, and it’s seen some marginal success. In the short time it’s been active, the page hits are up and I’ve already received a one product from a company to review. I consider that a success – and one I’m continuing to build on.

However, when it comes to disclosure in my personal blog, I’ve been absent.

The fact is, it hasn’t been the greatest of years. It also hasn’t been the worst of years, so I guess 2012 is a wash for me. Work has been the cause of most of my distress and sleepless nights – and at the risk of sounding trite, I am grateful to have a job – even if it is causing me sleepless nights.

I also realized this year something that hadn’t been readily apparent before: I was in an eleven year relationship with a complete and utter asshole. When we first stopped seeing each other, I would tell people he was a good guy, but we just weren’t a good fit. However, the farther I move away from the relationship, the clearer I see it – and him. There is no denying now that he was an asshole – and of course, then there’s some degree of embarrassment when I realize it took me eleven years to extricate myself from him.

I think his assholeness really came to light when I realized he moved out of state. He had already revealed himself as less than honest when I discovered that he allowed his wife to give away some of the boxes I left behind at his place (with his permission and promise that it would be safe in his shed and if he needed me to come get it, he would let me know). This is an old story I know – I contacted him several times to pick up my stuff, to no avail. Then one day I found a lot of my stuff at Goodwill – and he admitted she gave it all away.

So there was some concrete evidence he was indeed a lying bastard asshole, but one could argue that his wife did it without his knowledge. Okay… but then he moved out of state, and I saw things in a new light. Giving away my stuff was all part of the moving process – so instead of saying, “Hey Ex, we’re moving – come get your stuff,” they just gave it all away. Plus, there was furniture he specifically asked me if he could to keep temporarily – did I get a call to come get that as well? Nope. They either gave that away or sold it or moved it with them.

And I could probably go on – yet I won’t. Instead I’ll just say that the more distance I get from this relationship, the brighter the light that shines on the remnants is. I can’t help seeing it for what it really was – and I suppose in the beginning of the year, I dealt with some embarrassment regarding how much I put up with before giving up completely. I should have cut bait and run after the first two years – and I was very angry with myself for not doing so.

Enough of that – this year was the first year I had success in my garden. By the end of summer, my garden was beautiful – though still not a finished product. It did feel good to spend time out there, playing in the dirt, planting seeds and young plants and changing the landscape of the garden. I am already counting the days until spring comes in 2013 – I can’t wait to get out there again.

I hope to write more next year – to at least write two blog entries a week (I know! When I first started, I wrote every day!). I think writing is a good outlet for me – I really need to tap into that outlet more.

It was difficult, though, to put a lot of things down in print this year… I think I just didn’t want to see it there in black and white… because I really had hoped to forget and move on without leaving behind proof of yet another disappointing year gone by…